"And so we dream, yet our dreams turn to vapour and sift through our fingers in frightening beauty."

Life certainly has been interesting of late. A lot of strange things have transpired, and I am so ready for vacation. Classes aren't that bad, but I'm working my butt off doing the show and finding some minimal time to study. I really should be doing that right now, or at least going to bed, but I need to take a break and talk, and I was doing my Old Testament homework and thinking about how life has been lately which made me think about a few things. For example:

I have come to realize thoroughly that this life is not about me. It's about being a tool in the Lord's hands to allow Him to finish His work on this earth. Sometimes I think about how weird my life is and I get all depressed about it, but then things like this week happen and my whole perspective is changed. Monday I think it was, Liz got a call from Kathleen saying that Jesse was at the Student Health Services with an IV and he was really sick. That of course was stressful enough, but then Tuesday night Kathleen gets a call while she's preparing for the show that Jesse is now in the hospital and not able to make the show. He had pneumonia and was out for a couple days. It was scary because we got Paul to be Fred about ten minutes before the show opened and he did a marvelous job. He actually brought things to the show that Jesse didn't. Not that he did a better job of course, but it made us all realize something different in the show and we were able to make it all the more meaningful. I missed Jesse terribly and he came back tonight so I gave him a hug and told him I was glad he was back, but it's strange how it all works out. We, though we would like to think we're all "special," are all replaceable. If we don't fulfill the role (temporally and spiritually) that we were chosen to fulfill, the show will go on with someone else in your place. We are here to be the Lord's instruments in performing His work, and if we don't do it, He will find someone else who can and will. Of course we have to be careful about getting in the Lord's way ("mourn with those who mourn, comfort those that stand in need of comfort"), but like Jesse, if we can't be there, the Lord will find someone who can. How interesting. JD talked about that today during talk-back after the show, when someone asked him how he made the final Cratchit scene so powerful and moving. He said that for a long time he thought about how terrible it must have been for the Cratchit's to lose their son, and how lost they were without him, when one day he accidentally looked at Scrooge during the scene, and realized that it's not about the Cratchit's at all. It's about Scrooge and the change that comes over him. So he changed his thoughts to what he was supposed to teach Scrooge, and how to do it. How like life that is. If only we were put on this earth to turn people to Christ, how soon would I that everyone remember that and act accordingly! Of course, I am guilty of forgetfulness myself, but there are times when I find myself pondering the very subject, and isn't that the point? I, though I try not to be, am a very judgmental person. All I can do is not talk about it, but silently I watch and judge people, mostly their personality and find things that I don't like. Even though I know this isn't good, at least God has given me the good sense to recognize that what I see in others that I don't like is what I don't like in myself, and the desire to change that in myself. And studying the Old Testament and the children of Israel helps me realize my true purpose in life and the idols that I place beside God. It's a truly amazing feeling when you can learn about yourself and become a better person and grow closer to God because you make yourself available to the revelations that He sends you.

Dreams can be very frightening things. I had a dream just last Tuesday that everything that really happened that night did happen in my dream (which is always disorienting). So Jesse was at the hospital and Ben got sent to the hospital after the show for passing out, but then I was on stage and saying lines, but there was no audience, and there was a cat walk that went right above the stage. I heard a thump and a crack and when I turned around, Bro. Clifford was lying on his back and all these people were around him because he had fallen off the catwalk and broken his neck. It was so scary. I saw him the next day and told him about it and told him that I was glad that he didn't really die. But still, it really shook me. But a few nights before that, I had the scariest dream I've had in a long time. I have had dreams periodically where I see people die, and it's one of the freakiest things imaginable. But in this dream, there was a flock of crows in this old deserted town that were all fighting each other. It focused on two of these crows who flew into a building and were fighting. The room was very small, a tiny entryway really, with the door at the top of three or four steps, a glass ceiling, and one doorway in the far left hand corner of the room (if you were standing on the steps). One of the crows was completely beating the other one, slamming him into the glass ceiling and cracking it and all and he fell to the ground. Then they turned into people, and it's hard to describe, because they looked completely humanoid, but there was something still distinctly crow-like about them. But then the one who was on the floor stood up and the other one was on the steps with his back to the one. And he turned on the steps and lifted his arm and he had a semiautomatic in his hand, and he shot the other one. And he shot him again. And again. And again. And again. Until the one finally staggered against the wall, and slid to a sitting position, and his eyes were open but dead, and there was blood everywhere, all over the walls and his body, and his mouth was open and his tongue was hanging out, and blood just flowed and dripped from his tongue. Oh, it was so vivid and so frightening. What do you do when you wake up in the dark with those images so clearly imprinted in your head? I still shudder to think of it, it was so gruesome and so terrible but it cannot be forgotten. My dreams, though still as weird as ever, have been increasingly scary, and sometimes I don't like going to bed for fear of what I may see in dreams.

This morning was so interesting and the only way I can describe it is through narrative, so I'll do the best I can.
I stepped out into the early morning air and looked out into the fog-filled air. The sky was overcast, the air misty but no rain was falling. I began my walk up to class, clutching my books to my chest to keep my arms warm. The going was easy and the cold not so biting that I couldn't enjoy the vapor on my cheeks. I crossed the street, headlights on either side framing my body in the dim light. I started up the hill when it changed. Suddenly the air was hard to breathe, thick, heavy. Not oppressive. But sluggish. Then the wind. It came abruptly from the hill and whipped my hair into my eyes, masking my view. It pulled against my legs like an unseen current. There were very few people out, and those who were were silent. No friendly greetings or pleasant talks on cell phones sliced the tangible air. If they looked at each other, it was for but a moment. A cursory glance, nothing more. I fought these separating forces until I made it into my building. But looking back, it was surreal, like it never happened, or happened in someone else's dream. Mornings like this make you wonder about the reality and importance of your own life.

I know that there is more I want to say, but it is eluding me. I have two finals to take tomorrow and I need sleep, so I will leave you now, hopefully with questions or discoveries in your own mind. I hope that health and happiness prevails in your life and that you find yourself growing in the gospel and learning of the Savior every day. May the Lord make His face to smile upon you. Shalom.

"In a phrase to cut these lips, I love you." Coheed and Cambria

There's something about you that I'm drawn to. You have a kind of melancholy understanding about you. Like a lost boy from Neverland. Like Tootles.

It's your eyes. There's a remarkably beautiful sadness in them. Like you're separated from life. The world is passing you by, and no matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to reach it. Your fingertips brush the surface, and no one seems to notice the distance. I did.

I don't want to go to our ward thing tonight. Or I do, but I don't want to go play football, so I won't. I'll sing to the Sptifire Grill and then change and go up and eat some food. Whoo hoo. I'm reading Watership Down right now, hence the picture of the Black Rabbit of Inle.

I had a really really cool experience visiting teaching yesterday. I was alone, because Jenny's in Florida, but it turned out amazing. It's so cool that you can get revelation and give people what they need most of all. I had the coolest time with Jackie and we talked for more than an hour, and it was what we both needed. It was so cool. I'm singing in the Messiah choir too, and so rehearsals for that are always fun. It's really great music, and I feel so blessed that I get to sing it again. The first time I did so wasn't as fun. Last week I went to the Jazz Combos concert because Jenny sings in a jazz combo, and she was really good, besides the fact that the microphone wasn't working. So what we could hear of her was really good. And all of the combos were so good. It was so nice to be able to just sit back and not think about anything but the amazing talent that I was listening to and let the music move me. It was wonderful. I'm excited for Christmas Carol to open, and for everyone to come see it. It's going to be so cool. We're just waiting for the set to be done, so we can actually rehearse with it all. The whole show is just amazing, we have a great cast, the costumes are beautiful, the set is going to be spectacular. It's going to be great. I also can't wait for next semester, to get Crazy For You all together. The tapping is hard, but I'm learning and having so much fun doing so. Next semester's schedule is a little disappointing, but I'm not going to regret it. I finally get to take an English class, I'm taking second semester Russian, Book of Mormon, and Reader's Theatre, where we put on children's productions. But because of the way my schedule works out, I can't fit in any more GE, major, or theatre classes, so I'm taking two dance classes: beginning jazz, and beginning tap. I'll have a head start on that, but I'm excited. I haven't taken a dance class in about three years and I miss it. I want to take ballroom, but they all fill really fast, and I'm not so excited about the attitude that a lot of people have when they sign up that class, that you never know who you'll meet. Ugh. Oh well. It's a good schedule, not too hard but academically satisfying. I can't wait to start writing again. I've been thinking lately, and I think I want to go into editing. It's something I'm really good at, and I enjoy it. Like work for a publishing company or something. That would be great fun. I don't know if I'd like the reporting deal. We'll see. I have a little while. I'm going to audition for the House of Bernarda Alba next semester, and I'm thinking of auditioning for Comic Frenzy, and seeing how that might turn out. I don't know if I could handle all the load that I had this semester though. I'm so ready for Thanksgiving, you don't even know.

Eileen is going to curl my hair for my class tomorrow, because I have a scene for Song Interp that I'm going to be a cheerleader for. Isn't that exciting? I'm in two scenes, and one I'm a cheerleader, and the next I'm in I'm a white pregnant rapper. It's going to be amazing. I'm really excited. I like that class, except for the fact that Hyrum is getting really frustrated because we don't really know what to focus on, because we have to do our scenes, and it gets in the way of our learning the actual music for the show. I'm so excited for the show though, it's going to be so much fun. Yay for Follies. I really should go and get ready, everyone's in a rush to get the food ready and I'm sitting here doing nothing. So love to all, and I'll see you guys over Christmas break. All remember to thank your Heavenly Father for all that He has given you, and for the situations and blessings and challenges that He has the faith in you to give you. Shalom!

"Just so there's no confusion, in spirit prison there probably won't be pineapples." -Jeremy, Sunday School Instructor

Hello to the world! These images didn't upload in the order that I wanted them to, but I'm too tired and lazy to fix it. Aren't we so cute pregnant? I just woke up from a two and a half hour nap, and I'm regaining my strength so that I can go help set up for the banquet tonight. Banquet and ghost stories from this cool story telling guy! Whoo hoo! And I get in free because I'm in theatre council. Good deal. So the guy I just quoted just walked into our house. How strange. He's Jenny and Eileen's home teacher apparently, and I really like his sense of humor. It's very very dry and sarcastic, so you can't really tell if he's being serious or not. I think it's raining.

This is currently my profile picture on Facebook. I know, I started a Facebook. But I deleted my myspace account because I hated it. Facebook is a little better. This was the crazy hair night, but it settled down a little. I like wearing the little poncho. I have the most amazing story to tell you! This is a ransom note that we got last night from our dear friend Brett. I'll include the scriptural references.
As you may have noticed, a certain prized possession of yours has gone missing. This is a mere retaliation. You have been mercilessly holding a certain valued piece of china hostage for nearly 2 months. Our people will no longer stand by actionless. We demand a prisoner trade, but that will not be enough. We simply demand an increase to make up for the time that we have spent lacking. The dishware must needs be returned in a similar state in which it arrived, full. You must realize that we bear you no malice. Our intent is only that justice be served. Your possession will be returned only AFTER receipt of the china plus a full restitution for emotional damages. Alma 60:6, 35 and 36 (but not the first sentence)
"And now behold, we desire to know the cause of this exceedingly great neglect; yea, we desire to know the cause of your thoughtless state."
"And behold, if you will not do this I come unto you speedily; for behold, God will not suffer that we should perish with hunger; therefore he will give unto us of your food, even if it must needs be by the sword. Now see that ye fulfill the word of God.
I seek not for power, but to pull it down. I seek not for honor of the world, but for the glory of my God, and the freedom and welfare of my country."

This is us in our sexy pose. Vaughn pointed out to me that I look like a Japanese anime character, and I find that I cannot disagree. But is that not BRILLIANT? It was the most amazing ransom note I've ever received. Liz is working hard on a very good response, which we will give with the desired dishware with a tower of rice krispies on it. Along with an invitation to join me and Jenny and Brad on a double date. What fun.

This is Garett being extremely attractive in The Jacket. I tell you, it does something to you. But I just realized that I have to go help with the banquet now, and since I have to walk all the way up to the Hinckley (I was going to describe it as "freakin," but that just seems wrong right next to the word Hinckely), I should probably go. I hope you enjoy these pictures and I hope your lives are going well, as mine generally is. Love to all! Shalom

Oh yeah, and this is us being the Hawmps Hookers. Well, mainly me, showing a bit of leg there. You know you'd pick us up.

"I was going to go to bed early tonight until we decided to get pregnant." -Shanelle Baxter

That statement is not to be taken literally. So this is what we did one Monday night when we were quite bored. Jenny put the squishy in her shirt and she looked absolutely amazing! We walked over to Davey and Brad's to see if Davey was home but only Garret and Brad and this random girl (it was a little awkward) were over. It was funny though because we all walked in holding hands and leading Jenny along. But then we took pictures (which was hard because we were laughing so hard) and then we all decided to get pregnant! So Nelli and I put stars in our shirts (which was also difficult because we had to tie down the little star arms) and started wandering around looking for someone to show our tummies to. Of course, the night that we do something totally crazy is the one night that no one came over. So we tried to think of people that we could go visit and got the amazing idea to go over to Curtis', because he's the sort of person who would totally go along with it. So we waddled over to his apartment and on the way we had a strange encounter with a young man walking down the street. He asked us when we were due and we said around the end of October, about Halloween. He laughed and said "Oh, I'm a little flustered," crossed the street, and started playing the harmonica. How delightful. Upon reaching Curtis' apartment, we found that the only person was home was a roommate that we didn't know. The following conversation ensued.

Us: Hey, is Curtis home?
Roommate: Um, no.
Us: Because he scheduled a yoga session with us at ten tonight.
Roommate (nervous laughter): Curtis doesn't teach yoga!
Us: Well, I mean, since it's with pregnant women, he might be a little embarrassed about it and not like to talk about it.
Roommate (completely didn't believe that we even knew Curtis): Sure. How do you guys know Curtis?
Us: He's our yoga instructor! And he did make up on Jenny for his class.
Roommate: Well, I know he is in a makeup class. Here, I'll call his cell.
awkward silence where Roommate leaves a message on Curtis' phone
Roommate: He's not answering his phone.
Us: Oh wait, he's at rehearsal! How could he schedule a yoga session when he has rehearsal! How inconsiderate! We should go talk to him about it!
So we left, leaving Roommate to doubt our pregnancy. How rude. But really funny. So we went and found Curtis and he came out of rehearsal and died laughing, but as we expected, he went along with it and apologized profusely for missing our appointment. Liz came out too and we made her night, fortunately. She thought it was incredible.
After leaving the Kirkham, we wandered around campus for a while, talking loudly about weird cravings and how many children we've had. Oh, and side note: during our adventures we made sure to get weddings rings and display them wherever we went. We managed to get together with Tim and Curt (different Curt) and Garret, and revealed that they were Curt's children. All of them. As we were all Curt's wives. He was a little weirded out by that, but soon went along with it. What fun guys we have across the street. We ended up going back to Curtis' to schedule another appointment, and he was actually there that time. But Roommate (bless his gullible heart) said to us, "Hey, I'm really sorry for not thinking that you guys were actually pregnant." We did nothing to enlighten him, but I think they got it after us girls and Curtis talked for a while. But then right before we left, Curtis calls out, "So call my secretary, we'll reschedule. I think we'll start with some basics, like breathing exercises and basic postions," and Roommate (same one!) says "Wait, you really do yoga?" I think he got it when we just laughed at him. Poor guy. But I think that was pretty much our evening, except that we all sat around being pregnant for quite some time, just because we could.

So I just had an amazing fabulous reality. I also have many other stories to tell, including the one where we had the amazing lightsaber war that lasted more than an hour, which included blood and many bruises, but that will have to be for another time when I can get the pictures from Jenny. But back to the fabulous reality. Liz and Kyra and I were all sitting on the couch on the porch when Kyra realized that it was curfew so she went to leave. As she was walking down the sidewalk a random guy comes up to her and says, "Hey, where are you going?" She replied that she was going home, and he answered with, "Well, what am I supposed to do then?" She said that he could go make out/cuddle with us on the porch, and he said OK, and walked up the steps and wrapped his arms around us. After asking our names, he continued to embrace us and informed us that his name was Tad and he was from Arizona. Then when our RA came and told him that it was curfew and that he would have to go home, he adopted this weird accent and talked about "where he was from" and how the rules were different there. Then he just walked away. How strange and amazing. I also bounced for Comic Frenzy tonight and that was so much fun. There are a lot of new people but it's still hilarious. What fun.

I was just going to tell one more story, but I completely blanked and forgot what it was. Oh yeah! Last night Liz, Nelli, Jenny and I stayed up till 3 in the morning reading balderdash cards and laughing at what they said. We found the HAWMPS! one and the one with dunkle (orginal HAWMPS! jokes) and so we placed them up on our shrine, which currently consists of: three railroad spikes, one small collection of little BMW bugs, one Santa Barbara candle, one Mr. Potato Head, one stuffed bunny, one broken (alas! but that's another story) Sting, and one Garret's lightsaber. What fun. But we discovered fun words like "whisterpoop" and I finally found out what a hodad really is. It was amazing. And now before I repeat the same thing, I think I'll leave you all to your fun and games and head for bed. I love and miss you all and I hope that your lives are going well. Love to all! Shalom!

Alas, the legend of "Crikey! Look at the size o' that one!" is no more.

I want to dedicate this blog to Steve Irwin, the ever-famous Crocodile Hunter, who died yesterday at the barb of a sting ray. His khaki, risk-ready form will forever be in our hearts.

How sad. But at least he didn't die in a car accident or something. At least he gave his life to the wild...or something like that.
Well, I'm here in beautiful Rexburg, I just got back from my two classes of Tuesday, ready to eat lunch, go to the Devotional and take a nap! I stayed up till one last night, talking with roomies and eating ice cream. It was good times. But I had geology (Natural Disasters) and Russian today, and when I found out that I needed textbooks for Russian, I went to the Bookstore and spent another $127! What fun. I will sure be glad when I can return that one book and get money back for it on Thursday. Liz and I are going to the Rockapella concert on Friday, that's pretty cool. Um, I think some of the bishopric is coming over tonight. Maybe we should make cookies or something.

I'm in a bit of a dilemma. I tried out for Vocal Union yesterday, and my audition went pretty well. The song that she had to read rhythm from is one that I knew, and was singing just that morning. I told her that. The song went well, but she didn't check my range or anything so I don't know if I'm going to be called back. Which wouldn't really be bad, because here's the thing. If I don't make call-backs, that's all fine and dandy, I'll just concentrate on my Spitfire audition and do that. If I DO get called back, then I have to go tomorrow from 3-5 and then my Spitfire audition at 7. If I do well on Spitfire auditions AND Vocal Union call-backs, then I would much rather do that, because if I stayed in Vocal Union, it completely conflicts with all of the theatre plans I had, and I would much rather be involved in theatre than this choir. So we'll see how it goes.

I'm actually going to go because I am quite hungry, but I love you all and I'll try to post more often so you know what's going on in my life. Love to all! Shalom

"You would not call a man humane for ceasing to set mousetraps if he did so because he believed there were no mice in the house."

I have no real commentary on my life right now. I just wanted to share some excerpts from one of my favorites books. These passages are so insightful and so interesting that I wanted others to know about them. Please enjoy!

Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
Note from "What Lies Behind the Law"
One reason why many people find Creative Evolution so attractive is that it gives one much of the emotional comfort of believing in God and none of the less pleasant consequences. When you are feeling fit and the sun is shining and you do not want to believe that the whole universe is a mere mechanical dance of atoms, it is nice to be able to think of this great mysterious Force rolling on through the centuries and carrying you on its crest. If, on the other hand, you want to do something rather shabby, the Life-Force, being only a blind force, with no morals and no mind, will never interfere with you like that troublesome God we learned about when we were children. The Life-Force is a sort of tame God. You can switch it on when you want, but it will not bother you. All the thrills of religion and none of the cost. Is the Life-Force the greatest achievement of wishful thinking the world has yet seen?

From "We Have Cause to be Uneasy"
All I am doing is to ask people to face the facts-to understand the questions which Christianity claims to answer. And they are very terrifying facts. I wish it were possible to say something more agreeable. But I must say what I think true. Of course, I quite agree that the Christian religion is, in the long run, a thing of unspeakable comfort. But it does not begin in comfort; it begins in the dismay I have been describing, and it is no use at all trying to go on to that comfort without first going through that dismay. In religion, as in war and everything else, comfort is the one thing you cannot get by looking for it. If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end: if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth-only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with, and, in the end, despair. Most of us have got over the pre-war wishful thinking about international politics. It is time we did the same about religion.

My favorite analogy, actually found in the Preface
I hope no reader will suppose that "mere" Christianity is here put forward as an alternative to the creeds of the existing communions-as if a man could adopt it in preference to Congregationalism or Greek Orthodoxy or anything else. It is more like a hall out of which doors open into several rooms. If I can bring anyone into that hall I shall have done what I attempted. But it is in the rooms, not in the hall, that there are fires and chairs and meals. The hall is a place to wait in, a place from which to try the various doors, not a place to live in. For that purpose the worst of the rooms (whichever that may be)is, I think, preferable. It is true that some people may find they have to wait in the hall for a considerable time, while others feel certain almost at once which door they must knock at. I do not know why there is this difference, but I am sure God keeps no one waiting unless He sees that it is good for him to wait. When you do get into your room you will find that the long wait has done you some kind of good which you would not have had otherwise. But you must regard it as waiting, not as camping. You must keep on praying for light: and, of course, even in the hall, you must begin trying to obey the rules which are common to the whole house. And above all you must be asking which door is the true one; not which pleases you best by its paint and paneling. In plain language, the question should never be: "Do I like that kind of service" but "Are these doctrines true: Is holiness here? Does my conscience move me towards this? Is my reluctance to knock at this door due to my pride, or my mere taste, or my personal dislike of this particular door-keeper?"
When you have reached your own room, be kind to those who have chosen different doors and to those who are still in the hall. If they are wrong they need your prayers all the more; and if they are your enemies, then you are under orders to pray for them. That is one of the rules common to the whole house.

I hope I gave you a bit of a thought-provoking moment, and I hope that we can all be kind to one another, even if we don't believe the same thing. Shalom to all the world.

"Something is a-happening behind my face." ~Chico Marx, The Big Store

I just wanted to share the glorious stories that we have created using that wonderful and hilarious game, Mad Libs. Here are our favorites. You can guess which works were substituted.

We decided that if you go to hell, this is what you're going to have to be doing for eternity. You can try it if you want.
How to do that new dance, the Monstrosity
Here's how you do the Monstrosity. Stand with your feet together. Now stamp your right foot 206 times and put your hands on your partner's pinkies. Next, you both skip slowly to the right and bend your clavicles backward. For the next eight counts, both of you meander harshly to the left. Next, you and your partner stand back to back and wiggle your chimney stacks and slap your whips together. Don't forget to keep stamping your right foot. Now, face your partner again, put your fudgesicles together and shout, "spork!" Now, leap backward and repeat the whole thing 3 billion times. If you feel that you can't learn this dance, you can always secrete the next one out.

Everyone should try this. Who needs sheep? I was trying to read it aloud and after "breathe knowingly" I could barely control myself. I think this is my favorite. I could barely breathe from laughing.
How to go to Sleep
If you have trouble falling asleep, you probably have a naked mind. You must learn to relax so that you will have a perturbed mind instead. First, drink a cup of hot shampoo and stretch out on a wispy bed in a harmful position. Then, breathe knowingly and think about something beautiful, such as stubby noodles. Do not think of your frumpy enemies or entertain any other sparkly thoughts. Concentrate on something restful, such as snorkels, which will make your castanet more relaxed, or count imaginary clams jumping over a lugie. Follow these overbearing rules and you will fall into a hoity-toity sleep the minute your bicuspid hits the pillow.

And last but not least, it's eerie how some of these work out. Just picturing some of those weapons made us lose it entirely.
Army Information
If you plan on joining the army, here are some hilarious hints that will help you became a crystal soldier. The army is made up of officers, non-coms, and hedgehogs. You can recognize an officer by the nuclear weapons on his shoulders and the crankshaft on his cap. When you address an officer, always say "quilting bee" and salute grouchily. If you get a putrid haircut, keep your everlasting gobstoppers shined, and see that your doe is clean at all times, you will be a credit to the slogan, "the Army builds scabs." And at roll call, when the fuscia sergeant calls your name, shout "Phooey!" loud and clear. Also, become familiar with basic weapons such as the thirty-calibre rotting meat and the automatic udder. Follow this advice and in no time you'll win the Indulgent Conduct Buoy.

I hope I at least helped crack a smile. Love to all! Shalom

Enjoy each day to the fullest, because in the grand scheme of things, most of the time you're dead.

"Hold on to [life] as if you are holding on to the love of your very truest friend." ~Summerland, Michael Chabon

Look at me (I'm a winner)!

I'm bored, so I'm going to add pictures from EFY. Yay for Effie!

We begin with the lovely counselors of my company, Suzy and Ashley. Suzy was really sweet and fun and had feety (feetie?) pajamas. She would always escort me everywhere because there weren't enough guys in our group and was my greatest friend in my company. Ashley was so nice to me (even though she was the other girls' counselor) and listened to all my problems. They were both awesome. Oh yeah, Suzy's the one on the right, Ashley's on the left.


And we come to my dear friends Cooper and Steven. Steven manages to look exactly the same in every single picture I took of him this week, except for one, that you'll get to see later. Apparently you can only upload 5 pictures at a time, so it will come. In all the pictures I took at the dances, everyone is all glowy and I can't explain why. Coop is awesome as usual, and Steven will be happy to know that his nose does not look ginormous.


Here are the awesome kids that I hung out with during the dance. Steven, Cooper (who looks amazing in this picture), Landon, and Soren. I'm sorry if I spelled any names wrong. Please correct me if I did. They are all so sweet and we had tons of fun at the dances. Aren't they all so cute?


Ah, the vibe. What more can I say? I was doing the vibe and Chad (the one in green, he was the guys' counselor) knew what it was! So he and Brett demonstrated the correct technique of the vibe. Spanky is the back is just doing his thing. Living up to his name, I guess. I never did learn his real name.


And finally, Chad. Chad who knew Brian Regan. He was really funny and could dance. Really. This was one of my attempts to catch people off guard and it turned out pretty well. All the others failed. But I like this one.


Well, I hope I made your day a little bit better. My day was ok. My excursion to Berkeley wasn't a complete disaster. I did go to Hot Topic but didn't buy anything because they were stupid and didn't have anything that appealed to me. Not even cool socks. But my trip did pay off because I came back with the Aquabats CD Charge! (from which my title comes from) and Benny and Joon. I also got a new pair of Chuck Taylors, navy and cream pinstripe. Hi Top. Of course. They are a thing of beauty. Or things of beauty, since there are two of them. Two things. Of beauty.

Anyway! I'm off to look for a job again tomorrow. The one that I had hoped for, that looked pretty promising, called today and said that they wanted a permanent employee. Well, fine. So we'll see what happens. Wish me luck everyone, and I'm still open to phone calls. ; ) Love to all! Shalom

"I wonder if he rides a scooter.....I wonder if he looks like a scooter." ~Mom talking about Scooter Libby

Isn't Logan adorable? I just love him. I'm going to miss his hugs. He gives good, yummy smelling hugs. Wait, hold up, I'm going to get some music. K, I'm back. I got Mates of State to listen to. I like them. They make me happy.

I went and saw 1776 today. Ray is John Hancock in it, and he did very well. Last time he was Richard Henry Lee, which I thought he did better than this guy, but I liked this production better. It was more professional and overall the cast was better suited to their roles. I really like the Rutledge and the Dickinson. I thought that they did very well in their roles, very superior and noble. Dickinson had a good voice too. And the courier was very cute, I must say. Especially when he missed his entrance and came on with his glasses on. Adorable. I tell you, glasses does something to me. I love a nerdy guy. Ah well. Overall, it was very good and I enjoyed it a lot. I really liked Abigail Adams too. She was good. Not so much with Martha Jefferson. I didn't like her voice very much, not to mention I don't like that "He Plays the Violin" song. The subject matter is fine, but the song isn't very well-written. Oh well. That was about the only complaint I had. I enjoyed myself.

Afterwards we went to Fresh Choice for an early lunch before Ray's night show, and I kept looking out the window and seeing interesting things. First, there were these cylindrical poster displayer thingies. Apparently one of them broke, because I looked out to see two janitor people brushing the glass off of the edges, and it was all shattered on the ground. They swept it up and the next time I looked there was a police officer there. Cool. The other side, though, had a poster for a new show called "Kyle XY" or something like that. But he was holding his shirt up and had a confused look on his face and we were trying to figure out why. We had a few speculations. One was that the photographer told him to lift his shirt up, and so he was like "you want me to do what?" as he was lifting his shirt and that explained the confused look. Another was that it seemed that he didn't have a belly button, and so that could also explain the confusion as he showed the world his dilemma. However, we just wanted to go up and write "constipated" or "bloated" on his tummy like those commercials. I guess we'll never know.


Can I tell you, when I first saw this picture, I could not stop staring at it. Isn't Liz hot? Seriously. I was looking at some other pictures and we look a lot more alike now than we did when we were younger, and I am glad for that. If I look even remotely like Liz, that would make me happy. She's so beautiful, in body and in spirit. I am so glad to have a sister like her. She's so lovely and talented and bright and funny and the best friend I could ever ask for. I remember calling her when I was freaking out and crying so much and she was just there for me, talking to me and helping me forget. And I can never hesitate to call her whenever I need her and she'll always listen. I can tell her everything and she won't laugh. She'll give me advice about anything I ask about and she's so understanding. Man, am I lucky. I'm glad we found each other in the pre-existence and said, "Hey. Let's be sisters." I am so grateful to be related to someone as wonderful as she is. I am so proud of her for working at Playmill this summer, for getting in and being a trooper even when she's sick. And she never has too much to do that she can't talk to me for a few minutes. She's a terribly incredible person, and I love her.

I'm going to Singles Ward tomorrow, and I must admit that I'm a bit nervous about that. I won't know anybody as a safeguard to hang out with. Oh well, I'm sure I'll make friends soon enough. I hope that Benjamin and I become friends fairly soon, considering he's probably going to be my ride from now on. Mom's taking me tomorrow so that she can work for a few hours, but she can't take me every week. Well, we'll see what happens, and I'll keep you posted.

You know, I should probably go, because Mom's asleep on the couch and has been for almost an hour, and she won't sleep tonight unless I wake her up. I wonder what we'll do tonight. I'll probably eat more ice cream. Maybe that's what's causing me to have such strange dreams. Oh! I had the freakiest dream last night. I don't even remember all of it, but what I do remember is creepy enough. I had a dream that some guy was stalking me, and I don't mean like "ha ha, you had better give me that book or I'll stalk you." I don't mean that. I mean seriously and horribly stalking. The part I remember was I was in a hotel room with another girl and it was night and the lights were off and he had called and was talking to me on the phone, in a deep and rough voice. I don't remember what he was talking about, but it was enough it instill a deep horror in me. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and so I hung up the phone. I crawled into the other bed with the girl and was talking to her about how scared I was and if it was smart to hang up on him like that and the phone rang again. And then I woke up. I just laid there for a second, so thankful that I had woken up. That's one of those dreams that you are so glad that you wake up from and don't have to endure it anymore. But all's well.

Mom woke up actually, and is going to go on a walk, and I think I'll join her, so talk to you all later! Love to all! Shalom


I think this one is better, don't you? We're kind of glowy, like angels. Cool. It's the EFY spirit, man. CTRock on

"Have you ever interdigitated?"

I found this old picture of San Francisco, and decided that it was appropriate to use because this blog will be about that very place. Well, it's a bit different now, but it's still the same lovely place.

Today was a Spare the Air day and so BART and the buses and even the ferry was free, but I didn't take the ferry. I thought about it, but then decided against it. I was too lazy to find out when it left and stuff. But yeah, because of the freedom (and free-dom, ha ha), I took the bus to the Fruitvale BART and then BARTed to the Embarcadero Station, which takes me to San Francisco, right by the pier. So I spent the day wandering around San Fran. Nothing really significant happened. I bought the Incredibles at Rasputin music, and three cards from a little card shop for Mollie, Steven, and Liz. Liz's is the best, I'll post a picture of it on here soon. I did have an awesome experience, because I brought my camera with me, and as I was wandering around I saw a myriad of posters about iPods. There was a picture of a sheep that said "iSheep say bah." And a guy hanging from strings with the token "Have you become an iPuppet?" And my favorite, a robot with the slogan, "iDroid. Programmed to comply." Well, I thought it was very interesting, so I went to take a picture of it, and just as I was doing so, two guys with iPods walked by. I took the picture and I think that I just got the second guy in the shot, but it was amazing. It was a fabulous reality, I might even say. It was awesome. I don't necessarily agree with it, but it is interesting. If you want to check out the poster, go to idont.com and click on materials. I think that they're rather clever.

I also took a picture of a beautiful brick building with trees all lined in front and the sunlight filtering through to create patterns on the wall. Who knows if it will turn out, but it was very pretty. I also walked some of the more shady streets in the city, including where all the "men's houses" were. Actually, one of them caught my eye and made me laugh, because the advertisement on the building said "continuous live nude girls on stage!" As opposed to "continuous dead nude girls on stage!" I thought it was funny. But I guess that's not for everyone. However, I did see an ad for RENT live at the...oh, the something theatre. Dang, now I can't remember. Oh well, I doubt I would have been able to go anyway. Oh yeah, the Golden Gate Theatre. But yeah. That was kind of cool. That was about it though. It seemed strange that I walked around for about two and a half hours and didn't really do much, but I saw so much, and that's what I really love to do, just watch people. When I first got there, I got a sourdough bagel (which was amazing) and an apple juice at Noah's Bagels and just sat outside and watched the people go by. I love doing that. But then I came home and had some pizza and watched the Incredibles (which just gets better every time I see it) and now I'm content. Tomorrow I'm going with my mom and JoRene to see 1776, which Ray is in, and then we're all going out to dinner afterwards. I'm going to Singles Ward on Sunday (freaky!) and then going to Carla's to hang out with Gwen and Lenna. So I should have a pretty good weekend before I have to go back to pounding the pavement to look for a job. Oh, and congrats to Jill and Jeff, who now work at Bear Mountain Pizza. Hope that I can get a job soon too.

I had the weirdest dream last night. Well, I had quite a succession of dreams. You know how you wake up, and then say, oh I'm going to shut my eyes for a few more minutes and then you wake up an hour later? I did that all morning, and some weird dreams came out of it. I'm not going to go into detail, but Melissa and I tried to sneak into the choir room at the BYU campus at night but got caught, Jill let a 13 year old boy drive the White Knight while she and I spent the entire drive trying to find the Sons of Provo soundtrack, and Kelly Clarkson was at an EFY event. Talk about weird. I don't remember what I ate before I went to bed. Maybe it was the mint ice cream. And crap, I had some more tonight. Well, we'll see if I have weird dreams tonight. Anyway, I think that's about it in my life for right now, I'm still lonely so don't hesitate to call, and love to all! Shalom

P.S. I forgot to add something. I had lost my wallet at the airport here in Oakland, or on the plane somewhere or something, but nothing really important was in it, my Safeway Club card, my Albertson's Preferred card, my frequent buyer card from Hot Topic. The only thing important that was in there was my check card. Whoops. So I called and cancelled it and got a new one and that was all hunky dorey. So I got a package in the mail today from Southwest Airlines and you know what was in it? My wallet! Yay! Now I can save money at Safeway again! Thank you Bettie, Margaret and Woody! You're my heroes of the day!

"Look at that guy! He's got a beard and he's riding a scooter!" ~Steven Baxter

This is the house that I was talking about in my last blog. I took a picture of it the day I got back from EFY. Quite a good picture, too, if I do say so myself. I'll add more pictures from EFY as I progress, I don't want to add them all now. But isn't this a gorgeous house? I get to bike past it any time I want. Sometimes I just stop and look at it because it's so beautiful. This really is an amazing place. On Saturday night Mom and I went down to the beach and walked up and down until the sun set. Just standing there with the city just to the left of the setting sun, with the breeze in your face and the waves gently rolling beside you. It was so amazing. I wish everyone I loved could have been there then. But then again, it was nice to just have Mom and I enjoy a quiet moment together. Either way, it was perfect the way it was. It was incredible.

EFY, by the way, was also incredible. I learned so much about the Lord Jesus Christ, and so much about the love that Heavenly Father has for me, and for all of His children. One thing that really hit me, was I was in a class about how much Heavenly Father loves you no matter what you're going through. And we were watching a clip from a conference talk, and I don't even remember who was speaking, but he said "Heavenly Father loves us so much more than our happiness." And that really got to me, because as the class went on and as I pondered on that, it is so true. Heavenly Father knows when he needs to send trials to us, and He knows when we need hardships in our lives, because He knows the outcome. He knows that it will be better for us in the end. On of the analogies that our teacher, Bro. Martin, gave to us, is taking his daughter in for her shots. He said that what if he had given in to her crying and pleading and not had her have to get a shot and then years later, she had developed polio because she didn't get that shot. When she came to him and asked him why she had polio, could he look at her and say, "it's because I love you. It's because I love you so much that I wouldn't let them give you that shot." A few moments of pain is infinitely better than a lifetime of suffering. We need to realize that the trials we have now are given to us because Heavenly Father loves us. He loves us so much, that He has to let us have that shot, because He knows that
that shot will prevent us from so much more pain. And He won't let us suffer any more than we need to suffer. Heavenly Father will only give us the trials that we need. He doesn't just hand out trials randomly. He knows us, each and every one of us, and He knows what we individually need. I guess that's what I really really got this last week. It was emphasized over and over, and that was what I needed to hear the most. It was truly awesome.

K, this has been going on for three days now, I keep trying to add more pictures and it won't let me, so forget about that.

Silly how I was talking about trials and then yesterday was one of the worst days I've had while I have lived here. I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, in fact, I don't want anyone to feel bad, but I just need to get it off my chest. I just started crying and crying and I couldn't stop. I seriously haven't cried that much in a long long time. I just sat on the couch and hugged my legs and cried. Finally, I called Liz and talked to her for a while and it really helped. I just get so lonely, knowing that I can't call anyone up to go hang out, or that no one will stop by to say hi. And I can't keep calling people because I'm sure the phone bill is extremely expensive because of me. So finally after talking to Liz I cried some more, put in a Sherlock Holmes movie to distract me, and took a little nap. It was bad. That's how Mom found me when she got home. But luckily she's an amazing mother and made me a fruit shake and took me out. We went to Blockbuster and got the Matrix and then we went down to the beach for another walk. I should have brought my camera with me, but don't worry, we'll go again. Because it was so beautiful. The sun had already set but the horizon was fiery as the stars were coming out. I walked along the beach with my feet in the warm waves (yes, warm). We saw a fish once, all flashing silver in the shallow water. The ocean was the color of filtered moonlight and it was amazing. I need to have moments like this more often.

I had a really nice dream last night, that involved me going to prom with a very attractive young man who looked like the doctor from A Flea In Her Ear. Those who saw the show (and are female) know what I'm talking about. And he liked me. That was a plus. That dream also included me walking on water with the guy from King of Queens. Talk about weird. Don't worry, I wrote it all down in my dream journal. I also had a half dream yesterday morning after signing up for classes (which includes Russian, if I do say so) that was about me meeting my guardian angel. Pretty cool.

Ok, I am dying of heat, so I think I'm going to get some ice cream and watch Ordinary People, which is an amazing movie and I recommend it to everyone. I bought it today on sale, along with Edward Scissorhands. Oh, how my DVD collection is growing. I actually went to buy the Incredibles, but they only had it in fullscreen. Oh please. Anyway, I love you all, and miss you tons, so don't hesitate to ring me up! Love to all and to all a good day. Shalom

Be bold hence

I want to include some poetry in this entry. I'm going to start with two that Darcy wrote with the magnets in the Jacobson's house, that I really enjoyed so I copied them down.

"shadow and storm beneath the moon
black rain was near beauty
frantically fall then soar in life
true loves stare like mist"

and

"his vision whispers music
I dream of symphonies
we sing for eternity"

Yay for Darcy. You're my hero.
You know, I'm going to rant for a minute about the Planet of the Apes, the new one. I did not enjoy it at all. Ok, the music was good, what I could remember of it. Which would be, like, the overture. But the rest of the movie was ridiculous. Sure, the makeup was amazing, but the acting wasn't, and the story? My goodness. There was no story. Fifteen minutes into the movie I was completely bored but somehow felt obligated (but what force I'm not sure) to finish watching it. There was no plot. No story line. The humans could talk? What was that all about? When it got to the end I wasn't surprised or even entertained at all. When they found out how the apes became intelligent I was just like, "oh. That was stupid." I didn't care about the characters at all. What about the old ones? I mean, come on, I cried when Cornelius and Zira died. I cheered when the apes took over the city. I felt something. Those movies are amazing. Pure genius. I kind of want to watch them again. Well, not really. But they are incredible.

And oh, the glories of public transportation. I took the bus to the BART station, and then took BART to Hayward, and then another bus up to the university so that I could watch a little musical theatre dealio with my mother. It was fun. And relatively easy. But at the moment, I'm bored, so someone call me. I can't think of anything else to say, nothing deep or spiritual or enlightening. So I'd like to close with a poem that I just wrote with the refridgerator magnet words. Love to all! Shalom

"to her he was but an angel
she sings his joy and screams his pain
morose as she observed his form and hers
fingers copulated
together they create a wax dream
a silhouette of music though she loves him
I am their lachrymose sleep"

"The notes are only seven." ~Andrea Bocelli

You know, as I was bike riding around today, I realized just how beautiful it is here. Most of the streets that I was riding along looked like this. The houses are all old and Victorian, there is one that is simply gorgeous. It's big and white and has this awesome porch and there are vines and trees and plants all around it and it's amazing. I'll take a picture someday. But as I was riding along, I just thought of how happy I was to be back here. The streets are beautiful and all I can hear are the birds, the sunlight is filtering through the trees, and the breeze blowing in my face smells of the ocean. Hopefully I get a job down at the Alameda Towne Square because I would love to have to do that ride every day. And I must be in better shape than I thought because I rode everywhere and I'm not sore at all. Well, my butt is, but I think that was just the seat.

I cut my hair and it's amazing. It's so much lighter and cooler. It feels so comfortable to get all that weight off my head. Oh, several things. One, I got that quote because Andrea Bocelli was on KQED when we wanted to watch Antiques Roadshow, and he said "The notes are only seven." ? We think it means that he only knows seven notes. Maybe that's why we can't stand him. We also discussed the implications of Andrea Bocelli, Kenny G, and Yanni all doing a concert together, and the rift in the universe it would create, destroying all forms of life as we know it. I also learned how to play the didgeridoo that night. And I can tell you that you can't play the didgeridoo while laughing, but it is impossible not to laugh while playing the didgeridoo. It tickles. Anyway, I'm listening to Decemberunderground and loving what I'm hearing. I love Jade's voice, that's all I'll say. Oh, and Jeffrey? Guess who's picture I got? Adam! Ha ha! I'm very happy. With everything.

I actually was gone for about four hours getting applications and getting my hair cut and stuff. It really didn't feel that long. I left at about 11:30 and got back at a quarter to four. So I watched another Planet of the Apes movie. I only have one left to go. My goal was to watch them all before the end of the week, but that seems kind of stupid now. Pantherius is completely crazy, and we think that he has OCD now too. He licks constantly. Oh well. It's kind of hot in here. I miss you all and are thinking of you. I can't wait to go to EFY though, and hang out with Steven and Logan and Coop and Conklin. It's going to be beautiful. I can't really think of anything else to say. I guess I could go fill out applications now. But that's not fun. Maybe I'll watch the last Planet of the Apes movie while I do that. Wow, what a pointless existence I have. Mom won't be home till 7:30. Maybe I'll go on a walk. You know, actually, that sounds like a good idea. Maybe I'll bike down to the beach and hang there for a while. Yeah...Love to all. Shalom!

The Happiness Machine

I forgot to add something last night. I love Ray Bradbury. His writing is so eloquent and so astonishing. He seems to understand human nature so well, he captures the very essence of our personality and tendency. I wanted to share this passage from Dandelion Wine, one of my favorite novels. This always strikes me, and I have to read it several times to let the full effect sink in. I hope that we can all recognize this.

And then inside the Happiness Machine, Lena Auffmann began to weep.
The inventor's smile faded.
"She's crying," said Naomi.
"She can't be!"
"She is," said Saul.
"She simply can't be crying!" Leo Auffmann, blinking, pressed his ear to the machine. "But...yes...like a baby..."
He could only open the door.
"Wait." There his wife sat, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Let me finish." She cried some more.
Leo Auffmann turned off the machine, stunned.
"Oh, it's the saddest thing in the world!" she wailed. "I feel awful, terrible." She climbed through the door. "First, there was Paris..."
"What's wrong with Paris?"
"I never even THOUGHT of being in Paris in my life. But now you got me thinking: Paris! So suddenly I want to be in Paris and I know I'm not!"
"It's almost as good, this machine."
"No. Sitting in there, I knew. I thought, it's not real!"
"Stop crying, Mama."
She looked at him with great dark wet eyes. "You had me dancing. We haven't danced in twenty years."
"I'll take you dancing tomorrow night!"
"No, no! It's not important, it SHOULDN'T be important. But your machine says it's important! So I believe! It'll be all right, Leo, after I cry some more."
"What else?"
"What else? The machine says, 'You're young.' I'm not. It lies, that Sadness Machine!"
"Sad in what way?"
His wife was quieter now. "Leo, the mistake you made is you forgot some hour, some day, we all got to climb out of that thing and go back to dirty dishes and the beds not made. While you're in that thing, sure, a sunset lasts forever almost, the air smells good, the temperature is fine. All the things you want to last, last. But outside, the children wait on lunch, the clothes need buttons. And then let's be frank, Leo, how long can you LOOK at a sunset? Who WANTS a sunset to last? Who wants perfect temperature? Who wants air smelling good always? So after awhile, who would notice? Better, for a minute or two, a sunset. After that, let's have something else. How could you forget?"
"Did I?"
"Sunsets we always liked because they only happen once and go away."
"But Lena, that's sad."
"No, if the sunset stayed and we got bored, that would be a real sadness. So two things you did you should never have. You made quick things go slow and stay around. You brought things faraway to our backyard where they don't belong, where they just tell you, 'No, you'll never travel, Lena Auffmann, Paris you'll never see! Rome you'll NEVER visit.' But I ALWAYS knew that, so why tell me? Better to forget and make do, Leo, make do, eh?"

Leo tries out the machine and while he's in it, it catches on fire.

Grandpa Spaulding studied the smoke ball in the sky and said, quietly, "Leo, was that it? Your Happiness Machine?"
"Some year," said Leo Auffmann, "I'll figure it and tell you."
Lena Auffmann, standing in the dark now, watched as the fireman ran in and out of the yard; the garage, roaring, settled upon itself.
"Leo," she said, "it won't take a year to figure. Look around. Think. Keep quiet a little bit. Then come and tell me. I'll be in the house, putting books back on shelves, and clothes back in closets, fixing supper, supper's late, look how dark. Come, children, help Mama."

When the firemen and the neighbors were gone, Leo Auffmann was left with Grandfather Spaulding and Douglas and Tom, brooding over the smoldering ruin. He stirred his foot in the wet ashes and slowly said what he had to say.
"The first thing you learn in life is you're a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you're the same fool. In one hour, I've done a lot of thinking. I thought...Leo Auffmann is blind!...You want to see the REAL Happiness Machine? The one they patented a couple thousand years ago, it still runs, not good all the time, no! but it runs. It's been here all along."
"But the fire-" said Douglas.
"Sure, the fire, the garage! But Lena said, it don't take a year to figure; what burned in the garage don't count!"
They followed him up the front-porch steps.
"Here," whispered Leo Auffmann, "the front window. Quiet, and you'll see it."
Hesitantly, Grandfather, Douglas, and Tom peered through the large windowpane.
And there, in small warm pools of lamplight, you could see what Leo Auffmann wanted you to see. There sat Saul and Marshall, playing chess at the coffee table. In the dining room Rebecca was laying out the silver. Naomi was cutting paper-doll dresses. Ruth was painting water colors. Joseph was running his electric train. Through the kitchen door, Lena Auffmann was sliding a pot roast from the steaming oven. Every hand, every head, every mouth made a big or little motion. You could hear their faraway voices under glass. You could hear someone singing in a high sweet voice. You could smell bread baking, too, and you knew it was real bread that would soon be covered with real butter. Everything was there and it was working.
Grandfather, Douglas, and Tom turned to look at Leo Auffmann, who gazed serenely through the window, the pink light on his cheeks.
"Sure," he murmured. "There it is." And he watched with now-gentle sorrow and now-quick delight, and at last quiet acceptance as all the bits and pieces of this house mixed, stirred, settled, poised, and ran steadily again. "The Happiness Machine," he said. "The Happiness Machine."

It really is amazing, isn't it. I don't want to ruin it with too many words of my own, but I wish we would all appreciate what we have and not go searching for that which we can't have. Love to all. Shalom

Talking about "Purple Stew," Lakin Rigby: "But you never get tired of it! You can sing it again and again...like Tupperware!"

I was just reading past blogs, and it was very enjoyable. Reading about what I used to do, and just thinking out loud (gee, I thought my life was complicated then), writing directly to Steven. I miss that. Honestly, I miss a lot of things that we used to do. I read the entry where I almost lost Abish, and when I came home and was just really stressed out over it, Steven came over and we went to Riverside and walked around for like, three hours. That was awesome. And entries where I just thank him publicly for being so cool. I guess I can say that again. Thanks for being such a good friend, Steven. Thanks for being patient and for waiting. I've missed you.

Wow. I can think of nothing else to say. I don't want to be all sentimental (I guess it's too late for that), but I don't want to think about leaving or anything yet. So this is all you get. Love to all. Shalom and godspeed.

I guess others are better at saying things than I am.

Here's something to think about
When things go wrong all the time
That luck can change like that high tide
Bad things can soon turn out alright

Misfortune, a tragedy
I can't seem to mind
Soon good will happen
If you look you just might find

So when you think this is the end
Good things are just around the bend
Again, bad things are just a sign
Good things will happen in due time

And with each passing day
So goes another life
Everybody wants to live
Some people want to die
So close your eyes
'Cause it's alright to say
Hello, Goodnight

Goodnight

So if this is to be our time
Just think of what we left behind
Will they say good of you to last
Or lose the memory of you fast?

Forever and ever
A wonderful thing
Will someone be grateful
For what we tried to bring?

It's late....
But just remember then
This day will never come again

Everybody wants to live
Some people wait to die
So close your eyes
'Cause it's alright to say
Hello, Goodnight

Goodnight
Goodnight
Hello, Goodnight. . . . .

~The Aquabats~

Strangely enough, one of the more mellow Aquabats songs. Actually, the only slow one I've ever heard. And I like it a lot. But yeah, there's too much to say and no courage to say it. Too much to say and not enough will. I can't write what I feel like some people can. Oh well.

"I would love to go somewhere else and pick peachy fruits in the early morning from the back of an elefunt." ~The BFG

I've been much more contemplative lately. Sure, I've also had some wildly fun times, like jumping off the stage and lying in the middle of the hallway, but it seems like I have to put my life into perspective. I don't like to think about it, and it's kind of hard to, but I'm leaving very very soon. And it seems weird, because school hasn't lightened up, I haven't even begun to pack yet, but then sometimes I look over at my friends and just smile because I remember something that we did together. And it's sad that I'm leaving soon and probably won't see them for quite some time. I don't want to be all sentimental about it, or make a list, because for some reason, they really bother me, but I just want to say that even though I've had some crappy times, so far I've led a pretty good life. I think Jill said it best. Go read her blog.

I can't tell you how much it hurts to see the ones you love suffer. I remember in Medford, I had a friend named Brandon Manley, who I speak of with much fondness. He was an amazing person, highly intelligent, very talented, extremely funny and caring. But he had such problems with drugs and that sort of thing, that it hurt to know what he was doing when he wasn't at rehearsal or hanging out with you. You wished that he could just be with you all the time so that he knew that someone loved him and that he didn't need to be doing those sort of things. And what hurts the most was that it got worse after I moved. I'm not saying that I could have kept him from doing drugs or helped him become a better person, but I wish I had more time to tell him how much I cared for him, and how much I loved him for who he was. I do wish that I'll get to see him again someday, and tell him. Sometimes I think about all the wonderful times I've had and wish that I could have told the people I left behind how much I appreciated them and all that they did for me. It's something I'm trying to work on. I don't think you can ever tell someone that you love them too much. It just isn't possible. And as I go throughout my life, I think about how much more I could be doing for others, how much of a better example I could be, how much more Christ-like I could be every day. And I hope it's something I'm improving on, because goodness knows I'm working on it. Who knows. Maybe I should ask him.

Anyway, I went to my Dad's office and stayed there for a long time, waiting for a ride home and getting sheet music for Cabaret. He watched Big Fish with me tonight, something we've been wanting to do for a really long time. It was nice, the whole family joined in, minus Melissa.

I just want to say that though I've been going through some hard times lately, I really am grateful for the people in my life. Melissa was around for me this weekend when I was having a really tough time, and Monday morning wasn't much better. But seeing Mollie playing catch with herself and a tennis ball made me laugh and made me so much happier. Did I ever tell her that? I hope so. It's things like that that make me realize how lucky I am to have known these people and to have had them helped shape my character. So thank you all for being the best people I know. Let's make the last weeks I'm here the craziest and most fun a group of people could possibly have. Love to all. Shalom

"How frail the human heart must be-a mirrored pool of thought." ~Sylvia Plath

This is one of my favorite songs. I was listening to it this morning, and decided that I wanted to share it with you. Isn't it strange how the songs of someone you have never known can describe your life perfectly?

Well I guess this is where I left my life
And all its operations
And I know that I will never get this twice
With all negotiations

This feels like the place between what is and might have been
So I guess this is where we both find out
If this is meant to be

And I'll tell myself, I don't need you
I'll tell myself enough to get me through
But I'll finally show you how I should have been being with you every day
If you can take a little more

Now it takes me back to times on Lincoln Avenue
When you said you'd never get tired of the boy
That seemed to be so far from growing up
But we were different then

This feels like the place between being ready and being in the way

And I'll tell myself, I don't need you
I'll tell myself enough to get me through
But I'll finally show you how I should have been being with you every day
If you can wait a little more

This feels like the time that I'm ready for you
Are you ready for me

'Cause I'll tell myself I'll make it through
I'll tell myself anything to get over you
And I won't blame you but I'm finally ready to show you
That I'm ready to show you, I'm ready to show you
I'll tell myself that I never needed anybody anyway, but anyway
I need you
I need you now
I need you now
I'm ready now

~Lincoln Avenue, Train

Life sure is weird. I only have a week and a half left of school and there seems to be so much that I have to do. So much. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because I'm worrying over everything that has to be done, not to mention I'm not doing so well emotionally right now. I'm so confused and worried. So much to be done, there's no time for emotions. Ugh.

Wow, it's only 10:10, and I am bored out of my mind. I guess I could sing with the treble choir. I think I might in a minute, because I don't have any homework to do and don't have much else to say. I don't know. Anyway, I wish you all the best of luck. I'm leaving in three weeks. How strange. So love to all. Shalom

"I'm dressed up as a ninja. I think I'll start fighting her once she stops talking." ~KC Harris in his dream

I don't know, I've just been in a bad mood lately. I don't know what's wrong. It's not hormones, I know, because I've already been through that. I guess I'm just ready to get out of here and start a new life but I'm stuck here for another month. It sucks both ways, too. Cause I'm going to miss people and everything, but I'm just so ready to be done with high school. It didn't help that I probably failed a Calculus test today, mainly because I couldn't remember that the derivative of ln(x) is 1/x. How silly of me. I just skipped that problem. It was a Quotient Rule problem, so I probably would have gotten it wrong anyway. But there goes 4 points down the drain. Oh well. And I have the second half of the test to look forward to tomorrow. At least I'm finally getting my hair trimmed on Wednesday. I've been needing it for quite some time now.

I'm really excited for State Choir though. I have absolutely no idea how well we'll do, and so I won't offer an opinion on it, but just the prospect of performing in front of all those people gives me pleasant goose chillies. I'm so glad we're going to go last. It's going to be sweet. I really hope that I have a good experience outside the competition as well. We're right by the temple again, which is so cool so I'm definitely planning on going up there as often as I possibly can. Maybe Darcy and I will go up there at five in the morning again ; ). That was fun. Especially cause it was raining and we found a secret path behind the temple. And we got lost in the land of rich people homes. There was a Suburban and a basketball hoop in every driveway, I swear. But yeah, I hope I have a cool experience like that again.

Oh, I had the coolest experience on Sunday night but I don't really feel like relating it. So too bad for you. Though I will tell you it involved fright and horses. You can figure out the rest.

I've discovered that I'm becoming less and less tolerant of immaturity. There are some times when I just want to smack people and tell them to grow up. Or to stop acting stupid. I like having fun and being spontaneous, but I don't like being annoying or constantly crazy. More and more lately I've just wanted to slow down and observe the world around me instead of running through life only concerned about myself. I like silence. Sometimes the talking and laughing just gets too much. I mean, I love laughing, but sometimes I just want to listen. You can learn a lot by listening. Wow. That was meant in a good way, not a weird gossipy way or anything. Sorry.

Remind me to never go hang out at Max's when his parents aren't there ever again. It wasn't pleasant. Now don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed the movie, and I think I enjoyed it more because it was just me, Jeff, KC, Max and Cale actually watching the movie, but people kept coming in and out and apparently any plans that people have over the weekend involve going over to Max's house without his knowledge. So it was a little weird. But I did make Cale laugh twice. Which means my life is fulfilled. The first time was only because I fell off the bed, but I count it, and the second time was I actually said something funny and he laughed. Huzzah! I can die happy. But next time, someone come up with something that we had planned. So that I don't have to be mean to Max or them.

I'm reading the Da Vinci Code right now, and I haven't gotten very far, but so far I'm enjoying it. I hadn't read it before, and I bought it for six bucks at Albertson's, because, come on, how can you pass that up. K, I'm going to stop, because I don't sound like myself.

"I'm small and insignificant. Please don't squish me." Shalom

"Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with." ~Mark Twain

That statement, which I didn't really think about till just now, is very true. When I'm sad or depressed, I just want to be alone, and figure it all out by myself. I prefer to let my grief play itself out by crying alone or singing to Coheed and doodling or something like that. But joy. Joy you have to share with someone. When something happens that brings you such happiness, you have to tell someone. You just can't keep it to yourself. And if you share it with someone, that's even better, because you can talk about it for a long time afterwards.

I know I just blogged last night, but I'm just such a mix of emotions right now though. This picture (found under the title of So Many Emotions, So Little Time) fascinates me, and seems to entail what I'm feeling. So separate. And it has a bit of an Abaratian quality about it, which I really do like. There's just so much going on right now that I can't quite figure out, though I've spent quite a bit of time trying. I think I understand a little better, but what needs to happen now is the real question. I just don't know. We'll see, I guess.

I was just thinking about friendship and how lucky I am to know the people that associate with me. The bare fact that they hang out with me is incredible. They are all so wonderful, so loving, so fun, so forgiving. I've been quite a pest in the past, and still am occasionally (though I'm trying to be better) and they still like me. What great people. For instance, I had an amazing time yesterday. And I was just thinking about how Jill and I went through that time that we didn't really like each other and so really didn't hang out at all. But look at us now. After we swallowed our pride and admitted to each other that we were being stupid and that we missed each other (ok, ok, that's what I said), we're so much closer now because of it. I think about the times we've had together and I can't help but smile. There are so many memories there that we've shared, so many good times. So many deep conversations after snarfing chocolate and singing at the top of our lungs. I've had some of the best times of my life with Jill. And though I'm not going to go into them all, I can say the same about all my friends. There are so many memories that I am going to treasure when I leave. We have to have a mad time the week after graduation, because then I leave and the likelihood of my coming back soon is very slim. And that makes me sad, but not really. I mean, I was telling Jill yesterday, that I miss some of the old times that we had together, all the things we did. But then again, if I dwell too much on what we did then, then I wouldn't be paying attention to what I was doing now. And I was having an awesome time. So it's kind of the same thing. I'm going to miss everyone terribly, and I have tons of great memories and experiences to take with me. But I'm so excited to go out and start over, start over in a new town where no one knows me and I can rely on myself to meet people and just be myself. It's going to be crazy, but crazy cool. So as you can probably see, I am a mix of emotions and conflicting feelings. And some of them aren't going to be resolved anytime soon. But that's ok. As long as there is the sun in the sky (occasionally) and ice cream in the stores, I'm good. And I'm glad. I love you all, I hope you know. You're all amazing. Love to all. Shalom. Really.

"True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation." ~George Washington

"So if Nur is there, who's that kid?" "Older?" ~Jeffrey Jacket

I just wanted to put that quote up there to see how many people actually think it's funny, because, unfortunately, I don't. I also didn't get it for quite some time. For those of you who aren't acquainted with Raage's little brother, his name is pronounced like "newer." Hence the joke. Sorry, Jeff, I just don't see the hilarity. I'll give you credit for making Jillian laugh a lot. I am, however, having a tremendously happy day. I'm sitting here, no shoes, listening to Coheed and Cambria after having the time of my life. Let me tell you about my amazing day.

I didn't have any homework to do 2nd period, which is unusual, so I just got to sit on the couch and read "Invisible Man," and then wander around the school wondering where Mollie is and why the random band kids from Mountain View were infiltrating our school. It was fun though. Choir wasn't as unbearable has it has been lately, we actually got something done and I'm rather pleased with our work. Lunch was fun, I carried a mirror with Anna that numerous people joked about breaking, and then I went home for some delicious peaches. When I got there, I heard Abish jiggling up to me, and when I saw her I just started laughing cause she had been given a bath, and her fur was sticking out everywhere. And she was looking at me so innocently. It was great. So after the delicious peaches, I had some cookies while walking back to school, and fourth period wasn't that bad either. We talked about Invisible Man and poetry the whole time, and I didn't even have to go to Calculus. I went to an assembly about men speaking out against domestic violence and the like, which was kind of depressing but also fun. I enjoyed it. After that I went to the middle school track meet, where the day got even better. I sat with Jeff at the top of a little hill watching Melissa totally kick butt (with her shin wrapped, she got first in all of her events) and hearing him tell funny stories about when he and his friends were in track. It was great fun. I rolled down the hill once after watching a little girl do it, and it was good until I got the only patch of gravel in the grass, which skinned my knee, but no biggy. It didn't dampen my mood. And then Jillian came up and offered the amazing invitation of going to Safeway and getting ice cream. How could I pass it up? So we went and got a half gallon of Bear Feet Brownie, which I must say was incredible, besides the fact that we ate it all. We felt a little sick after that, but whatever. The best part was when Isha came up to us and was like, "So is this like an extra-period-y day?" And Jill and I laughed cause that was exactly it. Jeff couldn't figure out how she could tell but girls just know this sort of thing. We hung around watching Melissa and Nur kick butt before we decided to...wow, I don't even remember what we went to do. Somehow we got to the center of the track field and got attacked by these three random children that I have never seen before in my life. They stole Jillian's Slinky, so we spent the better part of the next half hour fighting two little boys and caring for a third little boy. Ok, well, Jill took care of the little one while I got attacked and had to withstand the blows of two little blond boys who wanted the Slinky. Finally, we hid the Slinky and found the children's mother, who we introduced ourselves to, and then went over to the tennis courts and played on the chain link fence for a while. Then comes the best part. We went back to the car and chose to give Rachel a ride to the middle school while blasting Bohemian Rhapsody with the windows rolled down. After we dropped her off, we rode around till the song ended (because I accidentally switched it again while trying to turn up the volume) and so we just kept driving around, blaring music and waving to everyone. We would seek people out and wave till they waved back. We went to Safeway to wave at the people coming out and we saw the two buses with the middle school track kids so we drove in between the buses and waved on either side. It was tremendous. Then we saw Tamson so said hi to him and various others, until one kid flipped us off. Jerk. We were just trying to make people happy. So after that we were driving home and saw Raage's car in the school parking lot, found a window marker in Jill's van, and drew all over his windows before finally coming home. It was a glorious day. Seriously. And to end it all, I found this picture which makes me tremendously giddy. This is dedicated to Mollie. Love ya, Pants! Ah, the memories. Hope that your day has been as wonderful as mine, and if it hasn't, I hope that others will be! Love to all! Shalom

I finished a blog today that I started before, so it's actually below this one, dated March 27th. It's a good one. You should read it. Shalom

Splendor Sine Occasu

I had a most glorious time in Canada. I'm sure that you can't go to Canada and have a terrible time, but still, it was amazing. A lot of wonderful things happened, I grew closer to friends, and my respect for some people grew. It really was an incredible experience.

The driving time was definitely worth it. It didn't really feel all that long once we got there, and even the bus ride back wasn't too bad. But let me be more specific about the time I had there. (I'll include inside jokes and funny stories later, this is more informational and spiritual.)

Thursday:We left the school at a little after five. Nothing significant happened on the bus ride, but once we got to Victoria things picked up a little. We actually stayed in a rental house in Sooke (13 bedrooms, 22 bathrooms, 16000 sq. ft., 90 acres right on the bay, but no hot water). That was really fun. When we got there everyone started running around and looking at rooms and stuff, and exploring the many secret passageways we found. Then a small group of us sang under the dome in the Columbus room, which wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. It sounded cool, but picked up every flaw, which is useful, but it didn't sound that good. We discovered later that down in the basement where the sopranos held their sectional the sound was much better, so that was where we rehearsed that one day. After that we pretty much hung around and explored while some people went shopping for dinner. There was a lot of mischief and fun going on in different places. There were some disappointments, the house was so big that everyone sort of spread out and we didn't hang out as a group very much. And some people disappeared and we didn't get to really hang out with them at all, but oh well. No regrets.

Friday:We got to sleep in a bit, that was nice, and then we split up for sectionals. After about an hour of rehearsal, we met again and sang through some songs before heading out for a day in Victoria. This was by far the highlight of the trip. So much happened on this day, that it was kind of hard for me emotionally, and I had to go off by myself for a while afterwards. Anyway. We wandered around downtown for a while, shopping or finding somewhere to eat. Jacobson, Mollie, Jeff and I all went to a Greek restaurant that was very good, and then headed out to find gelato. After that, we all met at Parliament, where the tour was very boring, but what happened after makes up for all the ill in my life.

We all stood in a circle in the middle of Parliament, in a room with a high dome ceiling and a circular balcony in the middle looking down to the floor below. We started singing and words cannot describe what happened there. We started by singing Water Night, and when we cut off beautiful chords would spin around our heads and echo off the walls. It was hard to look at people, feeling what I felt. People would stop what they were doing to see, security guards would walk by and stop to listen. And then we sang Os Justi. At one point during the song I looked over at KC Harris, and he was crying. I watched as he had trouble singing so he would stop and just listen. I had a hard time keeping it together after that so I would close my eyes and feel the spirit of the music wash over me. And when we finished with the song, and sang the chant, I felt that nothing else in the world was as strong as the feeling of peace in the room. We were praising the Lord. The alleluias proceeding from our lips were praises of love and gratitude for our Heavenly Father. Nothing else. It was the Lord that was with us that day, and it was He to whom we were singing. I was trembling afterwards. And for the rest of the day I couldn't think about much else than my love for the Savior. I would sit and stare out the window on the bus and talk to no one. Then, when my heart was so full that I could feel it in my throat, I was told that the Latin phrase cloaking the British Columbia coat of arms meant this: Beauty Without End. Tears came to my eyes, for what else is more significant and appropriate? Beauty Without End. The music of our voices will be echoing in that building forever.

When we got home, I slipped away and walked along the bay until I found a small rock that was raised from the rocky beach. I climbed up onto it and sat there for a very long time, thinking about my life and watching a gorgeous sunset. When the sun had finally slipped away, I climbed the hill and explored the woods for a time, before I headed back to the beach. But on my way I found a tree, whose trunk curved up and then a single branch curved off to the left sideways and then grew up, so that there was a perfect perch for me to sit on. This I did, and watched as the sky grew steadily darker and the lights came on across the bay. And as I was sitting on that tree, I noticed something on the branch just by my seat. A hand, outlined in reddish powder (not unlike the painting that Rafiki does of Simba in the Lion King) was there. A hand, that when I placed mine upon it, fit mine perfectly. It was almost as if it were signifying that I was in the right place, that the tree was meant for me. It was amazing.

I then headed back to the house and walked about and talked with Jeffrey, ate dinner, and read for while. We watched half of Rent before Jacobson sent us to bed. However, we did not go to sleep. The girls in our room (Darcy, Kristy, Meghan, Jillian, Mollie, Paige and I) all sat up in our bed (with the exception of Kristy who was sleeping) and talked. It was great fun. We got yelled at twice but ignored it. We finally went to bed at about 3:30.

Saturday:Almost as good as Friday. We went to Craigdarroch Castle in Victoria which was really cool and almost creepy. It kind of reminded me of the sorcerer's house in the BBC version of Chronicles of Narnia, with all the woodwork. We sang again in that house, in the ballroom, but nothing can rival our experience in Parliament. After that, we went back downtown to do more shopping and get lunch, where KC, Jeff, Isha and I ate at the Old Spaghetti Factory, which was very good. Then we headed to the Butchart Gardens. That were nice, but I found them rather boring. I really don't like well-manicured gardens, the ones where everything is perfect. I like it better almost overgrown, a little disheveled, almost haphazard. I really liked the Japanese Garden, because it was like that, but there was an overwhelming sense of peace about the whole place, an assurance of calm. I must say, however, that walking over the hill and looking down into the Sunken Garden was incredible. It kind of surprised me, but a wonderful surprise. We walked around the garden for some time, and it was barely drizzling, so it was quite enjoyable. After that, we pretty tired, so Paige, Mollie, and I tried to take a nap, which didn't work very well. Finally, Steven came and got us for dinner, but the second batch wasn't ready, so we went to his room and lay down on his bed and listened to Ben and him play guitar for a while. Then when we got dinner, Mollie and I decided to be anti-social (and I wanted to talk to her) so we went downstairs to eat and talk, until people followed us and bugged us, so we went and found a room that we could lock ourselves into and talk. It was actually really nice, we sorted some things out and got a lot closer. With everything being said, we went back to the room and jumped on the bed, and then started running around the house. We went to the Columbus room where I tried to slide across the floor on my pillow (with disastrous results) and then started a game of hide and seek pillow fight, where you hide and then once the person finds you, you start pillow fighting. It was a lot of fun, but really exhausting. We didn't have a curfew this night, and I didn't want to join the rave they were having downstairs (it was rather frightening, I went in for a couple seconds, then left) and so went and sat with Steven and Mollie and Jeff and we talked for a while, and then Paige joined us and started coloring. We had fun, because everyone started gathering in that little room. We ate fudgesicles and listened to KC's story of how he asked Ellyn to prom and I got asked to prom by Batman. Overall, it was a fun time, with everyone finally coming together for a while. Then we got sent to bed at about four, and we left at nine the next day. We traveled all day and got home around 11:45 and all crashed.

Overall, it was an amazing trip, with many good experiences and wonderful people. I couldn't have asked for anything better. And though some bad things happened, that's what happens. It makes you appreciate the good more when you can compare it to the bad. I won't forget this trip, any time soon, and I am so thankful that I was able to go on it, to learn more about myself and others, and to feel the Spirit that strongly in music and sunsets and tears. Just look around and you will truly see what is there for us. Beauty Without End.


"Sure, it's money runs the world, but it is music that holds down the friction." ~The Anthem Sprinters