Life certainly has been interesting of late. A lot of strange things have transpired, and I am so ready for vacation. Classes aren't that bad, but I'm working my butt off doing the show and finding some minimal time to study. I really should be doing that right now, or at least going to bed, but I need to take a break and talk, and I was doing my Old Testament homework and thinking about how life has been lately which made me think about a few things. For example:
I have come to realize thoroughly that this life is not about me. It's about being a tool in the Lord's hands to allow Him to finish His work on this earth. Sometimes I think about how weird my life is and I get all depressed about it, but then things like this week happen and my whole perspective is changed. Monday I think it was, Liz got a call from Kathleen saying that Jesse was at the Student Health Services with an IV and he was really sick. That of course was stressful enough, but then Tuesday night Kathleen gets a call while she's preparing for the show that Jesse is now in the hospital and not able to make the show. He had pneumonia and was out for a couple days. It was scary because we got Paul to be Fred about ten minutes before the show opened and he did a marvelous job. He actually brought things to the show that Jesse didn't. Not that he did a better job of course, but it made us all realize something different in the show and we were able to make it all the more meaningful. I missed Jesse terribly and he came back tonight so I gave him a hug and told him I was glad he was back, but it's strange how it all works out. We, though we would like to think we're all "special," are all replaceable. If we don't fulfill the role (temporally and spiritually) that we were chosen to fulfill, the show will go on with someone else in your place. We are here to be the Lord's instruments in performing His work, and if we don't do it, He will find someone else who can and will. Of course we have to be careful about getting in the Lord's way ("mourn with those who mourn, comfort those that stand in need of comfort"), but like Jesse, if we can't be there, the Lord will find someone who can. How interesting. JD talked about that today during talk-back after the show, when someone asked him how he made the final Cratchit scene so powerful and moving. He said that for a long time he thought about how terrible it must have been for the Cratchit's to lose their son, and how lost they were without him, when one day he accidentally looked at Scrooge during the scene, and realized that it's not about the Cratchit's at all. It's about Scrooge and the change that comes over him. So he changed his thoughts to what he was supposed to teach Scrooge, and how to do it. How like life that is. If only we were put on this earth to turn people to Christ, how soon would I that everyone remember that and act accordingly! Of course, I am guilty of forgetfulness myself, but there are times when I find myself pondering the very subject, and isn't that the point? I, though I try not to be, am a very judgmental person. All I can do is not talk about it, but silently I watch and judge people, mostly their personality and find things that I don't like. Even though I know this isn't good, at least God has given me the good sense to recognize that what I see in others that I don't like is what I don't like in myself, and the desire to change that in myself. And studying the Old Testament and the children of Israel helps me realize my true purpose in life and the idols that I place beside God. It's a truly amazing feeling when you can learn about yourself and become a better person and grow closer to God because you make yourself available to the revelations that He sends you.
Dreams can be very frightening things. I had a dream just last Tuesday that everything that really happened that night did happen in my dream (which is always disorienting). So Jesse was at the hospital and Ben got sent to the hospital after the show for passing out, but then I was on stage and saying lines, but there was no audience, and there was a cat walk that went right above the stage. I heard a thump and a crack and when I turned around, Bro. Clifford was lying on his back and all these people were around him because he had fallen off the catwalk and broken his neck. It was so scary. I saw him the next day and told him about it and told him that I was glad that he didn't really die. But still, it really shook me. But a few nights before that, I had the scariest dream I've had in a long time. I have had dreams periodically where I see people die, and it's one of the freakiest things imaginable. But in this dream, there was a flock of crows in this old deserted town that were all fighting each other. It focused on two of these crows who flew into a building and were fighting. The room was very small, a tiny entryway really, with the door at the top of three or four steps, a glass ceiling, and one doorway in the far left hand corner of the room (if you were standing on the steps). One of the crows was completely beating the other one, slamming him into the glass ceiling and cracking it and all and he fell to the ground. Then they turned into people, and it's hard to describe, because they looked completely humanoid, but there was something still distinctly crow-like about them. But then the one who was on the floor stood up and the other one was on the steps with his back to the one. And he turned on the steps and lifted his arm and he had a semiautomatic in his hand, and he shot the other one. And he shot him again. And again. And again. And again. Until the one finally staggered against the wall, and slid to a sitting position, and his eyes were open but dead, and there was blood everywhere, all over the walls and his body, and his mouth was open and his tongue was hanging out, and blood just flowed and dripped from his tongue. Oh, it was so vivid and so frightening. What do you do when you wake up in the dark with those images so clearly imprinted in your head? I still shudder to think of it, it was so gruesome and so terrible but it cannot be forgotten. My dreams, though still as weird as ever, have been increasingly scary, and sometimes I don't like going to bed for fear of what I may see in dreams.
This morning was so interesting and the only way I can describe it is through narrative, so I'll do the best I can.
I stepped out into the early morning air and looked out into the fog-filled air. The sky was overcast, the air misty but no rain was falling. I began my walk up to class, clutching my books to my chest to keep my arms warm. The going was easy and the cold not so biting that I couldn't enjoy the vapor on my cheeks. I crossed the street, headlights on either side framing my body in the dim light. I started up the hill when it changed. Suddenly the air was hard to breathe, thick, heavy. Not oppressive. But sluggish. Then the wind. It came abruptly from the hill and whipped my hair into my eyes, masking my view. It pulled against my legs like an unseen current. There were very few people out, and those who were were silent. No friendly greetings or pleasant talks on cell phones sliced the tangible air. If they looked at each other, it was for but a moment. A cursory glance, nothing more. I fought these separating forces until I made it into my building. But looking back, it was surreal, like it never happened, or happened in someone else's dream. Mornings like this make you wonder about the reality and importance of your own life.
I know that there is more I want to say, but it is eluding me. I have two finals to take tomorrow and I need sleep, so I will leave you now, hopefully with questions or discoveries in your own mind. I hope that health and happiness prevails in your life and that you find yourself growing in the gospel and learning of the Savior every day. May the Lord make His face to smile upon you. Shalom.
