Quietous Lumberful

I'm tired. Tired of lack of sleep, tired of unexcused absences, tired of Calculus, tired of being yelled at, tired of not working, tired of being sad. I'm just tired. I get into these little bouts of happiness, where I have fun and make jokes and stuff, and then I go back to just sitting around and thinking about life and getting all depressed. There are some good things recently. I used to dread rehearsal, and I still complain about going, but once I get there it's not so bad. I'm fasting today and tomorrow for the Fast for Freedom, which is good, and I'll be inspired by that, especially because it will be so hard tomorrow during rehearsal. I have good books to read, I have someone near to talk to me, I have family that's coming to see the show. And the show of course. I was telling Katelyn how all the bad things that have happened during rehearsal all go away on opening night. When you get out there, and the audience is there feeding you energy, and so you give it back, and the lights are shining on you...that feeling...there's nothing that can compare. That's why I do this. I love to look out into the dark house and feel the eyes on me, expecting. So I step up for them. I give them my heart, and they give it back in full. I love it so much. There's nothing that comes even close to that feeling. It's hard to put it into words, but I think you understand what I mean.

Laura and I gave the lesson today in seminary. It was so much fun. I love teaching. Well, not teaching in general (I've already found out that I suck at teaching math, I can't explain anything) but I love to teach the gospel. Once I get older and get a calling, I really want to be a teacher. There's just something about teaching the principles of the gospel to others that does something for me. And I think I can do if proficiently, as in I think people understand what I'm trying to say.

Though I have to be careful what I say everyday. Katelyn and I had this conversation too (actually, it was a very good conversation that we had...good old Aviation) and I'm a very cynical person. It's hard for me to look at things innocently...does that make sense? I mean, I can't look at things as they are, I have to wait and investigate and figure things out before I can judge them. I can't just look at something and assume it's wonderful. And this, in turn, has made me very sarcastic. I have the witty sarcastic comebacks just waiting on the tip of my brain, and it's not such a good thing. I'm trying to work on it, because I've hurt people before, and I don't mean to. It's just what comes out first. And it's really hard to try and redeem yourself. After you say something, you can't just tell people you didn't really mean it that way. So I'm working on it. It's just hard.

I don't know. I've been a lot more contemplative lately. Life has just been a little weird lately. I have nothing really to complain about, some things are working out, but it just seems like I can't look at anything and really be happy. And it's hard, because I want to be happy, and make other people happy, but there's something about the way the days have been that just get me in a rut that I can't get out of. Sometimes I just wish I had wings so that I could fly off and not come back. Just be somewhere different. Experience different things, meet different people. Make a difference. Just be somewhere where it really matters.

I love you all, and have a wonderful day. Shalom


Let My Spirit Soar