"When you die, do you think you'll smell better because you're a vegetarian, as opposed to being a carnivore?" "You mean if they set me on fire?"

I don't know, I just don't want to do my Calculus, so I think I'll write a little story. And I'll call it "The Pants of Mollie."

"Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl named Mollie Pants. Everyone just thought that she was an abnormally pretty girl in high school, but really she was a Princess from the faraway land of Tweed. She had a little brother named Toto Baggypants and a fish named Norman. She had come to high school to see if she could find someone to take back with her and forever play hide-and-seek pillow fight. But everyone loved her so much and she had so many friends that she couldn't choose who to take. So she decided to go to the wise man at the top of There's-a-Wise-Man-At-The-Top-of-This-Hill Mountain and ask for his advice. She began her journey on what looked like a beautiful day but really it was cold and windy. While she was walking toward the mountain she met her friend Jeffrey Jacket, who generously offered the use of his coat, which she gladly accepted. After having lunch at Pizza Hut together, Princess Pants went on her way. As she emerged from downtown, she met Jamie Jeans and little Ethan (the very ugly baby or very cute monkey), with whom she had a dance party before realizing that it was getting late. She said goodbye and went on her way. Pretty soon though, she discovered that it was too late to reach the mountain that day, so she dropped in on her friend Beckah Bucket, who gladly accepted her into her home. They invited their friend Jillian the Fillian, who came over for the slumber party. After eating many Swedish Fish and laughing at Sam on helium, they decided to watch The Emperor's New Groove. Little did they realize, however, that the Swedish Fish that Princess Pants and the Fillian ate were drugged with a sleeping potion by the fiendish Yosef, in a mad attempt to reveal the identity of Cletus and Cap'n Shadysheets aka Horkley. While they were sleeping, Beckah Bucket fought the evil cur and fatally wounded him with a plastic sword. All was well. The next day, Princess Pants bid farewell to her dear friends and continued her journey. Closer to the mountain now, she began to take courage, when her close friend Steven The Resonator waylaid her on her quest. He snatched her away and took her in a little plane (lovingly called 'The Star Prince Charlie') and flew her to the top of Mount There's-a-Wise-Man-At-The-Top-of-This-Hill. Once there, Princess Pants and the Resonator searched beneath the bushes together until they found a small brown rabbit with a black nose, who introduced himself to them as Reepacheep the Wise Man. He didn't say why he was a rabbit. The Princess Pants asked him who she should take with her to forever play hide-and-seek pillow fight in the land of Tweed. Reepacheep told her that whoever made her the happiest was the one who she should be with. Princess Pants thought about it, and realized that everyone that she had met along her journey had made her happy, and that there was no one person she could choose, because if she only took one, then she would sometimes miss the others and she didn't want them to be left out. So she gave Reepacheep a carrot, built a 747 out of cranberries and asphalt, and flew all of her friends to her house in the land of Tweed, for an all-night party with lots of cookies and Canadians. No Swedish Fish. Then she flew all of her friends home, promised to see them the next day, and played a game of hide-and-seek pillow fight with Toto and Norman. THE END

There. That was ridiculously satisfying. And I can't wait for Mollie to read it. I hope she laughs a lot. Anyway, prom was fun. Not amazingly exciting, but fun. I just wasn't really in the mood to go to a dance, I guess. And I've been a little out of sorts lately, though I don't really know why. I miss some of my old friends, I suppose. I never really adjusted to the life here, and I miss them all. I suppose that's also why I didn't enjoy the dance as much. I just wanted all my old friends to be there. And Jeff. Anyway, my story was my biggest contribution today, I had better go work on my Calculus, so I bid you all a fond farewell, and love to all! Shalom

Save an Iraqi. Eat a sniper.

I absolutely love this painting, The Broken Pitcher. I saw it at the Legion of Honor in San Francisco, and fell in love with it. I'm pretty sure I stood there staring at it for at least ten minutes. It's much better up close and big, where you can see her eyes. It looks like she's staring right at you, so much sadness and guilt in her eyes. Oh, it's beautiful.

And I'm sorry if my title is a bit inappropriate, Dad said it last night, and I must say I liked it, even though it is a rather large slander. I found it funny. And it's true. I wish we had never gotten ourselves into this war in the first place. We were stupid to do so. And now we're all getting sucked into it, whether we like it or not. Oh, what a tangled web we weave. That's why I like those little reminders, in songs, or movies, or books, about where we're headed, and what we can do to stop it, or at least how to promote awareness. Ignorance is one of the biggest hindrances to action. People don't do anything simply because they don't know. And we could point fingers all night as to who's fault that is, but I'd rather not get into a large debate. I have my opinion, and others may come talk to me if they wish to throw ideas around. I try to avoid political debates, mostly because there's a lot I don't know. I try to avoid learning about the mistakes of our government, so I don't watch the news or keep up with current events. It's pretty much all the same now, anyway.

But enough of that. Today was fast Sunday. I like fast Sunday. Even though it means my stomach deciding to speak up at the most inconvenient times, it certainly is a good reminder. I don't think about the Lord as much as I ought to during the day, so it's nice to have a day set aside so that I can get into the habit. And I'm a coward and didn't get up and bear my testimony like I said I was going to. I just missed the opportunities and was stupid and never got up when I got the chance. I just don't like crying in front of everyone, it embarrasses me, and it's an inevitability that I'll cry. But yeah, I'm an idiot. Maybe next time. I'll have to have someone pinch me or something so that I'll be sure to get up. But other than that, it was a really nice Sunday. All my meetings were fun (Young Women's consisted of me, Melissa, Annalicia, Karen and Brooklyn) and we had waffles for dinner yay! Then we went singing, which wasn't very exciting until we decided to go to Safeway and sing in the entryway, which has really good acoustics. We sang a bunch of choir songs for about an hour, it was really cool. And I love the weird looks we get from people. Though that one guy that asked us if we all had a personal relationship with Jesus was a little creepy. And I froze my butt off sitting inside the little ice container thing. I really wanted someone to walk by though and see me, that would have been fun. I like creeping people out. But not seriously. Just for fun.

You know, I was just listening to a commercial about the Ten Commandments (I guess they made a remake), and I wonder why no one has ever made an accurate movie. I guess because it wouldn't sell, but I'm interested in seeing a movie where Moses really does have trouble speaking, where it shows that he's a man, and therefore has the obstacles that come with being a mortal. Does that make sense? I think it would be cool.

So life is going pretty good right now. I've got another fest planned, General Conference is coming up, house-sitting is fun (though that stubborn cat is sometimes a pain), and if the weather gets better I'm going to have a picnic in the park or something. It's so nice just to relax. I've been going and going for so long, not being able to get rest, that it's so nice just to slow down. Though I don't sleep well at nights. That's when the coughing comes back and it keeps me up. So then I end up sleeping late and wasting half the day. Bummer. We'll see though. Hopefully I'll get better before school starts again, because I hate being sick at school. It is no fun. I can't wait to get back to work in choir though. We've got some serious work cut out for us, and I hope that the people who don't care now will come to care, because this means a lot to a lot of us. A lot to a lot of us. Ha. What fun. Anyway, I think I'll split. Like a log. Shalom!

One smile away from death

I don't want to seem negative or degrading to anyone or what anyone else believes or has said, but by nature I'm a rather cynical and sarcastic person, and so if you think that you'll get offended, please don't continue reading this post. I need to get some things off of my chest, and this is the easiest way to do so. This is just going to be the random thoughts that have been floating around lately.

I wish people could understand that nothing is permanent. People always talk about how they never would have made it if it weren't for their friends and how they're so much a help in their lives, blah blah blah. I mean, that's very true. I'm very grateful for the people in my life, and they've taught me a lot, but I'm going to leave them. Or they're going to leave. In my life experience, you can't rely on the people to always be there for you. I just can't stand it when people talk about how their friends saved their life and how they couldn't live without them. The one time that I struggled with that the most was because of friends. I felt like no one really cared and that I didn't have any friends who could help me. I had a best friend, sure. But it was true. There was no one. So I turned to the one person who is always there, who will always be there, who will never let you down. Christ lifted me that day, when I came so close to giving up and throwing it all away. And that's where I discovered permanence. In the love of Jesus Christ. His arms are always open, and He is always willing to wrap His arms around us to comfort us in our darkest hours. I know that without the knowledge of His love, I would not have made it, so long ago when I left all that I knew. And I know how terrible it would be if I lost those people that I love the most, but with what I have, I think I could make it. I know that the Lord sometimes sends us people to help with our trials, and sometimes He doesn't. Sometimes (like when I moved here, and had only my family), we are alone. That's it. We don't have anyone, except our family, who sometimes aren't the best help. And yet, they truly are the only ones who know what we're going through. And soon they won't be there either. I'm going off to college, and I will be alone. I will not know anyone (except for a select few, who I probably won't see) and I won't have anyone to turn to. What do I do then if I have learned to rely so much on others? I would probably go crazy. That's why we have to learn to be independent. We don't have to completely separate ourselves from others, that's not what I'm saying. The people in our lives can be a huge help, but you can't completely rely on them to provide for your happiness. It's hard enough going through your own life without trying to completely support others as well. That's why I get so annoyed with the people who bear their testimony of their friends. I'm not perfect, of course. I'm very far off. But if your testimony and view of life isn't centered and focused on Christ, you're going to have major problems, even more so than the ones you signed up for before this life. Christ can help you through anything. He knows the true meaning of being alone. He didn't even have His family during His most terrible sufferings. He had nothing. He knows the true meaning of sorrow and pain. As in Alma, the first two things that Christ suffered for were not our sins, but our pains and our afflictions. He knows. And I know that He knows. I have laid in bed and cried and cried and talked to the Savior, thanking Him for His grace, and for suffering so that He could comfort me. He knows. I have imagined feeling the prints in His hands and feet, and looking into those eyes that have seen so much pain, so much sorrow. I have literally felt His arms around me in the cold isolation of night, when you're sitting in bed with your arms clasped around your knees, rocking back and forth. I know of the tears of pain that turn to tears of joy when you realize how much your Heavenly Father loves you. It's taken me quite a while to get to the point where I can think of my Father in Heaven as much as I do. I'm still trying, I still have trouble with it. But it's so much better than it was before. And to know that you are a child of God puts so much into perspective. Sometimes I just lay in bed and talk, talk to Him. He understands, and even though He knows it all anyway, I think that He appreciates me telling him nonetheless.

I guess the tone rather changed in this. There is hope. The Lord will always be there for you and me, and though your entire world crumbles around you, there is always the Savior to reach out and place His hand on your shoulder, to brush the tears off your face, to fill you with such love and peace that every inch of your body is filled with joy, till you could spread wings and fly. Lift your head, and see what Father and Brother is waiting for you, waiting for you to simply look up.


Please. Look up.

"Ah, there's nothing like a good didgeridoo." ~Becky Holt

Guess what today is? It's Steven's birthday! Happy Birthday, Steven! Even though absolutely nothing significant happens on your 17th birthday, I'm sure it will be wonderful. See, even this guy is excited about it. But with the musical and all. Not really. Go make yourself a cake. Or I'll make you a cake. Do you want a cake? I'll bring you a cake. And don't share it with anybody.

It's also opening night, which is totally not as cool. And even less cool is the fact that tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day, which means Emily was wrong. Last year we opened on April Fool's, so we thought we were opening on St. Patrick's Day, which would mean that we open on a holiday twice in a row, but that's tomorrow and not today. Oh well.

This is a message to my dear friend Cap'n Shadysheets, AKA Horkley: I hate you! You make me so mad and frustrated! If you think for one minute that I'm going to let you treat me that way you did before, you're wrong! I will seek you out and destroy your pitiful existence! There is nothing you can do that will hurt me anymore! You suck! Eat my drugs, you worthless piece of crap.

Ok, I'm done. I just had to get that out there. I'm super tired and kind of sore, but I am excited and scared that it's opening night. Though we did do a lot better with the orchestra last night than the night before, so hopefully tonight will be even better. I can't wait to perform in front of an audience. Well, an audience that responds. Even though we only had a few people there and it was only final dress, I hate dead audiences. We should have put laughers out there. I remember once when we put Evan Birchfield out in the audience to be a laugher, and it was hard not to laugh yourself because you could hear his distinctive laughter pop out. It was great. Evan is the sort of person who when he thinks something is funny he freaks out. He'd lean forward and laugh loudly and then lean back and chortle. I can't quite describe it, but it was great. Quite amusing. And very contagious. I miss him, actually. I remember when I first went to school with him, he kind of scared me, but then I got to know him a little better by hanging out with him and Liz, and started to understand him better. Then his senior year we worked together on theatre stuff a lot, and we became good friends. He's the sort of person who you would hate and would be really offensive if you didn't know him, the way he explains things is really degrading. But he's very intelligent, and quite funny, and you just have to get over his quirks. We've had some very interesting conversations about politics and theories of time and stuff.

Ok, enough reminiscing. I'd probably better go read Hamlet, as we're supposed to have Act IV done today. So love to all, everyone who can come to the musical, and a very happy birthday to Steven! Shalom

Quietous Lumberful

I'm tired. Tired of lack of sleep, tired of unexcused absences, tired of Calculus, tired of being yelled at, tired of not working, tired of being sad. I'm just tired. I get into these little bouts of happiness, where I have fun and make jokes and stuff, and then I go back to just sitting around and thinking about life and getting all depressed. There are some good things recently. I used to dread rehearsal, and I still complain about going, but once I get there it's not so bad. I'm fasting today and tomorrow for the Fast for Freedom, which is good, and I'll be inspired by that, especially because it will be so hard tomorrow during rehearsal. I have good books to read, I have someone near to talk to me, I have family that's coming to see the show. And the show of course. I was telling Katelyn how all the bad things that have happened during rehearsal all go away on opening night. When you get out there, and the audience is there feeding you energy, and so you give it back, and the lights are shining on you...that feeling...there's nothing that can compare. That's why I do this. I love to look out into the dark house and feel the eyes on me, expecting. So I step up for them. I give them my heart, and they give it back in full. I love it so much. There's nothing that comes even close to that feeling. It's hard to put it into words, but I think you understand what I mean.

Laura and I gave the lesson today in seminary. It was so much fun. I love teaching. Well, not teaching in general (I've already found out that I suck at teaching math, I can't explain anything) but I love to teach the gospel. Once I get older and get a calling, I really want to be a teacher. There's just something about teaching the principles of the gospel to others that does something for me. And I think I can do if proficiently, as in I think people understand what I'm trying to say.

Though I have to be careful what I say everyday. Katelyn and I had this conversation too (actually, it was a very good conversation that we had...good old Aviation) and I'm a very cynical person. It's hard for me to look at things innocently...does that make sense? I mean, I can't look at things as they are, I have to wait and investigate and figure things out before I can judge them. I can't just look at something and assume it's wonderful. And this, in turn, has made me very sarcastic. I have the witty sarcastic comebacks just waiting on the tip of my brain, and it's not such a good thing. I'm trying to work on it, because I've hurt people before, and I don't mean to. It's just what comes out first. And it's really hard to try and redeem yourself. After you say something, you can't just tell people you didn't really mean it that way. So I'm working on it. It's just hard.

I don't know. I've been a lot more contemplative lately. Life has just been a little weird lately. I have nothing really to complain about, some things are working out, but it just seems like I can't look at anything and really be happy. And it's hard, because I want to be happy, and make other people happy, but there's something about the way the days have been that just get me in a rut that I can't get out of. Sometimes I just wish I had wings so that I could fly off and not come back. Just be somewhere different. Experience different things, meet different people. Make a difference. Just be somewhere where it really matters.

I love you all, and have a wonderful day. Shalom


Let My Spirit Soar

"A brass unicorn has been catapulted across a London street and impaled an eminent surgeon!" ~The Abominable Dr. Phibes

I looked up "bored" in the Google Image search and found this picture. How bizarre. But it makes me laugh. This is what I do when I'm bored. Dress up like an old man that's dressed up as a pirate. What else is there to do when you're bored? Eat Popsicles, I guess. But if you don't have any Popsicles, as I do not, you are forced to sit in the library and blog because there's freaking nothing else to do. Especially if you left your book at home. And did all your homework. And I'm not hungry. I brought a dollar today to pay Katelyn back, but since she's not here, I was going to use it to buy cookies with Mollie. I guess I could buy cookies for myself...But cookies are the sort of thing you share with people. Like rainbows and good books. Oh well.

I don't want to go home either, because there's nothing for me there but a twenty minute walk to and from school. And that's not something I want to do right now. I just want to go home and stay there. Sleep and sleep until I'm no longer sick and tired. It's just ridiculous how long I've been sick and I want it to be done. I want to be healthy again. I want to have fun at rehearsal instead of just sitting around being exhausted and annoyed. I want to be able to concentrate at school and learn instead of just sitting there in a stupor. I want to be able to sing! I miss it so much. Ok, I want to be able to sing well. I sang today but it sounded horrendous, and I don't like sounding horrendous.

Anna just pointed out to me that there are now 26 flyers for military recruitment in the library. 26. All in one place. And there are four of the exact same advertisements for summer jobs for the military in the school paper. Four! And we want to know why there are no alternate job listings or alternate career flyers available in plain sight. I guess we have a topic for SFT tomorrow. Ugh. I hate getting military junk. I've already expressed to them that I'm not interested in the army. I don't want to support an idea I don't believe in. But why can't they provide alternate careers and jobs? Because they want you to believe that the military is the only option. The only honorable career. Well, they can suck my big toe. Fighting is not the answer. Bring our troops home. Stop the killing for a cause that was either won or lost long ago. Who even knows what we're fighting for anymore? Grrr. This sort of thing gets me all worked up. And I just read a little article in our school paper about military recruitment, and how you can get your education payed for by joining the military. Too bad they fail to mention the fact that while on active duty, you might die.

Boredom sucks. I'm dying from ennui. I wish I could just run away from school, take a little while to get better, and then go live with Liz for a while. I wouldn't have to worry about school or homework or the musical or friends or anything else that might cause me stress. I just want to be able to be happy, and that ability is slipping away from me. Little things make me happy, like chocolate, and certain songs, and reading books, and word searches, and curly hair, but I'm just so tired, I don't even pay attention to those things anymore. Ho hum.

Well, in closing, I would like to share a traditional Abaratian song with you, one that's been stuck in my head for a while now, and it gives me some amount of joy in this dark existence of mine.

(to be sung to the familiar tune of "O Christmas Tree")
O woe is me!
O woe is me!
I used to have a hamster tree!
But it was eaten by a newt
And now I have no cuddly fruit!
O woe is me!
O woe is me!
I used to have a hamster tree!

"I wish more art was made with explosives." ~Buster Baxter from "Postcards from Buster"

I had forgotten that I had never posted these pictures. These are from Single Awareness Day, if you hadn't guessed, and Jill and I dressed up for the occasion. We're pretty hot, aren't we? And we're mourning the loss of our nation, so we had to have tear drops signifying our pain. We did not kill anyone. All I can say is I will never go totally goth, cause it takes way too long to get ready.

I really don't want to go to rehearsal tonight. My voice is starting to come back but it still sounds kind of funny. It just sounds like one big voice crack. However, there is something good about it, because the single most amazing thing happened to me today. Well, maybe not, but it's pretty up there. I will put it in blod type just to emphasize the wonder of the event. I sang bass in choir today. In the octave. Seriously. I was going to sing tenor, but I couldn't sing that high, so I decided to sing baritone. But I switched back and forth because some of the baritone notes were too high. How amazing is that. That's a fabulous reality right there. It was incredible. Seriously. I am so proud of myself that I get to say that now, that I have sung bass. Wow. I must chronicle this event because I know that it will never happen again, because I never hope to be sick like this again. But yeah. It was wicked sweet. Udo magnolia and snickers.

The other thing about being sick is it does wonders for your figure. I've lost a bit of weight from not really eating for the past two weeks, and my abs are really tight because the coughing has really been a good workout. Not that I really care, but it was kind of a nice discovery.

Hmmm, what else to talk about? I'm reading Abarat right now, which is a really good book and I recommend it to everyone. I don't have any Calculus because I finished the assignment in class today, which was also cool because it was easy and I actually understood what I was doing. And it was actually Calculus. That's remarkable. I'm going to try and sleep all day tomorrow (besides doing chores and going to the basketball game) so that I can get better. I'm also going to ask Dad for a blessing because I really need to get well and stay well, because the show's coming up, and then there's choir districts, and I really need to rehearse the songs cause I haven't been singing lately. My own part. Ha. Anyway, there really isn't anything else to report, so I think that I'm going to go take a bubble bath with Incredibles bubbles before rehearsal and relax for a little while. Love to all!

Oh yes, and good luck to everyone who is participating in Solo and Ensemble tomorrow. I hope that you all do well! While I'm sleeping! Ha ha! Sorry. Had to throw that in there. I love you all. Shalom!

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." ~Groucho Marx

Ah, I haven't seen a Marx Brothers movie in so long. I miss them. They have become family to me. I grew up with them, and they will always be a part of Liz and I. Such fun.

I feel like crap. That pretty much sums it up. I'm not going to go into detail to avoid grossing anybody out, but it is not fun, and I can't taste anything. I'm also kind of worried, because I'm not really hungry (which usually happens when you're sick) but I should probably eat something anyway. Oh well. I'm sitting here in the library blogging because I don't have a lunch and Mollie's not here and so I have nothing to do. Donnelly said that I can drop AP Lit but I need half of an English credit, so I might switch into 2nd period American Lit with Katelyn, so that I can have fourth free. Max is trying to convince me to stay because I'm almost half way through, but I've thought about this a lot, and I'm pretty sure that I don't want to stay in a class that is taking up so much time and energy and I'm not learning a thing. Sure, I can get college credit for it, but I didn't get credit for AP Comp and I learned so much more in that class. We'll see. I told Donnelly that I'd think about it and get back to her tomorrow so I have the evening to think about it. Though my plans were to go home and sleep until rehearsal. Oh well. I'll have rehearsal. But I have a shotgun in AP Lit today (though what it's on beats me, considering we're supposed to be working on individual projects and we haven't learned anything recently, not to mention I haven't been here for the past two days) and I have a test in Calculus, which I'm not taking because I haven't been here. Life is crazy. And with the musical and being sick, I don't know if I can handle it all. So I'll think about it.

I listened to the Edward Scissorhands soundtrack last night, and man oh man, is it amazing. It just gives me goosebumps to listen to it. That movie is so emotional for me. But it's a good emotional. It's not all depressing and dumb, it's very enlightening. I think a lot after that movie, and that's what good movies should do. Make you think. Unless you're sick and just want to shut your brain off for a while, then you watch a cartoon or something. But most of the time I don't like to waste my time with those sort of movies. I like movies that make you think. Or laugh. Or both. Those are the best kinds.

I'm sorry that this is so sporadic. I tried to give a little thought in early morning seminary today and I guarantee that I didn't get my point across. It made sense to me, but then again, I'm on drugs to make me feel better, so I don't know what it sounded like to the others. Probably completely pointless. Oh well. You do what you can. I really want to feel better too. I'm tired of being sick. I'm doing all I can to get better but I just want to know that I don't have to care and feel wonderful and not lose sleep because it feels like I swallowed a stick that is now lodged in my throat the wrong way. But what would I do fourth period? Go home, for sure, cause I'd have an extra long lunch, and probably do my Calculus. My mouth tastes like Throat Coat and cough drops. Kind of a weird combination. See? This all makes sense and is connected in my mind, but you're probably all thinking that I'm absolutely crazy and probably should be taken away by the men in the white coats. With beady red eyes. In the form of mice. But that's Hitch-hiker's, and that's a different story. A very interesting and well-written story, I might add. Wow, I think I'll stop now.

I wish you all a fond farewell, I'm going to go sit on the couch and read a book, or go sit on the couch and look like I'm reading a book but actually I'll just be staring at the words on the page with my mouth hanging open looking like an idiot, so love to all! Shalom