The Happiness Machine

I forgot to add something last night. I love Ray Bradbury. His writing is so eloquent and so astonishing. He seems to understand human nature so well, he captures the very essence of our personality and tendency. I wanted to share this passage from Dandelion Wine, one of my favorite novels. This always strikes me, and I have to read it several times to let the full effect sink in. I hope that we can all recognize this.

And then inside the Happiness Machine, Lena Auffmann began to weep.
The inventor's smile faded.
"She's crying," said Naomi.
"She can't be!"
"She is," said Saul.
"She simply can't be crying!" Leo Auffmann, blinking, pressed his ear to the machine. "But...yes...like a baby..."
He could only open the door.
"Wait." There his wife sat, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Let me finish." She cried some more.
Leo Auffmann turned off the machine, stunned.
"Oh, it's the saddest thing in the world!" she wailed. "I feel awful, terrible." She climbed through the door. "First, there was Paris..."
"What's wrong with Paris?"
"I never even THOUGHT of being in Paris in my life. But now you got me thinking: Paris! So suddenly I want to be in Paris and I know I'm not!"
"It's almost as good, this machine."
"No. Sitting in there, I knew. I thought, it's not real!"
"Stop crying, Mama."
She looked at him with great dark wet eyes. "You had me dancing. We haven't danced in twenty years."
"I'll take you dancing tomorrow night!"
"No, no! It's not important, it SHOULDN'T be important. But your machine says it's important! So I believe! It'll be all right, Leo, after I cry some more."
"What else?"
"What else? The machine says, 'You're young.' I'm not. It lies, that Sadness Machine!"
"Sad in what way?"
His wife was quieter now. "Leo, the mistake you made is you forgot some hour, some day, we all got to climb out of that thing and go back to dirty dishes and the beds not made. While you're in that thing, sure, a sunset lasts forever almost, the air smells good, the temperature is fine. All the things you want to last, last. But outside, the children wait on lunch, the clothes need buttons. And then let's be frank, Leo, how long can you LOOK at a sunset? Who WANTS a sunset to last? Who wants perfect temperature? Who wants air smelling good always? So after awhile, who would notice? Better, for a minute or two, a sunset. After that, let's have something else. How could you forget?"
"Did I?"
"Sunsets we always liked because they only happen once and go away."
"But Lena, that's sad."
"No, if the sunset stayed and we got bored, that would be a real sadness. So two things you did you should never have. You made quick things go slow and stay around. You brought things faraway to our backyard where they don't belong, where they just tell you, 'No, you'll never travel, Lena Auffmann, Paris you'll never see! Rome you'll NEVER visit.' But I ALWAYS knew that, so why tell me? Better to forget and make do, Leo, make do, eh?"

Leo tries out the machine and while he's in it, it catches on fire.

Grandpa Spaulding studied the smoke ball in the sky and said, quietly, "Leo, was that it? Your Happiness Machine?"
"Some year," said Leo Auffmann, "I'll figure it and tell you."
Lena Auffmann, standing in the dark now, watched as the fireman ran in and out of the yard; the garage, roaring, settled upon itself.
"Leo," she said, "it won't take a year to figure. Look around. Think. Keep quiet a little bit. Then come and tell me. I'll be in the house, putting books back on shelves, and clothes back in closets, fixing supper, supper's late, look how dark. Come, children, help Mama."

When the firemen and the neighbors were gone, Leo Auffmann was left with Grandfather Spaulding and Douglas and Tom, brooding over the smoldering ruin. He stirred his foot in the wet ashes and slowly said what he had to say.
"The first thing you learn in life is you're a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you're the same fool. In one hour, I've done a lot of thinking. I thought...Leo Auffmann is blind!...You want to see the REAL Happiness Machine? The one they patented a couple thousand years ago, it still runs, not good all the time, no! but it runs. It's been here all along."
"But the fire-" said Douglas.
"Sure, the fire, the garage! But Lena said, it don't take a year to figure; what burned in the garage don't count!"
They followed him up the front-porch steps.
"Here," whispered Leo Auffmann, "the front window. Quiet, and you'll see it."
Hesitantly, Grandfather, Douglas, and Tom peered through the large windowpane.
And there, in small warm pools of lamplight, you could see what Leo Auffmann wanted you to see. There sat Saul and Marshall, playing chess at the coffee table. In the dining room Rebecca was laying out the silver. Naomi was cutting paper-doll dresses. Ruth was painting water colors. Joseph was running his electric train. Through the kitchen door, Lena Auffmann was sliding a pot roast from the steaming oven. Every hand, every head, every mouth made a big or little motion. You could hear their faraway voices under glass. You could hear someone singing in a high sweet voice. You could smell bread baking, too, and you knew it was real bread that would soon be covered with real butter. Everything was there and it was working.
Grandfather, Douglas, and Tom turned to look at Leo Auffmann, who gazed serenely through the window, the pink light on his cheeks.
"Sure," he murmured. "There it is." And he watched with now-gentle sorrow and now-quick delight, and at last quiet acceptance as all the bits and pieces of this house mixed, stirred, settled, poised, and ran steadily again. "The Happiness Machine," he said. "The Happiness Machine."

It really is amazing, isn't it. I don't want to ruin it with too many words of my own, but I wish we would all appreciate what we have and not go searching for that which we can't have. Love to all. Shalom

Talking about "Purple Stew," Lakin Rigby: "But you never get tired of it! You can sing it again and again...like Tupperware!"

I was just reading past blogs, and it was very enjoyable. Reading about what I used to do, and just thinking out loud (gee, I thought my life was complicated then), writing directly to Steven. I miss that. Honestly, I miss a lot of things that we used to do. I read the entry where I almost lost Abish, and when I came home and was just really stressed out over it, Steven came over and we went to Riverside and walked around for like, three hours. That was awesome. And entries where I just thank him publicly for being so cool. I guess I can say that again. Thanks for being such a good friend, Steven. Thanks for being patient and for waiting. I've missed you.

Wow. I can think of nothing else to say. I don't want to be all sentimental (I guess it's too late for that), but I don't want to think about leaving or anything yet. So this is all you get. Love to all. Shalom and godspeed.

I guess others are better at saying things than I am.

Here's something to think about
When things go wrong all the time
That luck can change like that high tide
Bad things can soon turn out alright

Misfortune, a tragedy
I can't seem to mind
Soon good will happen
If you look you just might find

So when you think this is the end
Good things are just around the bend
Again, bad things are just a sign
Good things will happen in due time

And with each passing day
So goes another life
Everybody wants to live
Some people want to die
So close your eyes
'Cause it's alright to say
Hello, Goodnight

Goodnight

So if this is to be our time
Just think of what we left behind
Will they say good of you to last
Or lose the memory of you fast?

Forever and ever
A wonderful thing
Will someone be grateful
For what we tried to bring?

It's late....
But just remember then
This day will never come again

Everybody wants to live
Some people wait to die
So close your eyes
'Cause it's alright to say
Hello, Goodnight

Goodnight
Goodnight
Hello, Goodnight. . . . .

~The Aquabats~

Strangely enough, one of the more mellow Aquabats songs. Actually, the only slow one I've ever heard. And I like it a lot. But yeah, there's too much to say and no courage to say it. Too much to say and not enough will. I can't write what I feel like some people can. Oh well.

"I would love to go somewhere else and pick peachy fruits in the early morning from the back of an elefunt." ~The BFG

I've been much more contemplative lately. Sure, I've also had some wildly fun times, like jumping off the stage and lying in the middle of the hallway, but it seems like I have to put my life into perspective. I don't like to think about it, and it's kind of hard to, but I'm leaving very very soon. And it seems weird, because school hasn't lightened up, I haven't even begun to pack yet, but then sometimes I look over at my friends and just smile because I remember something that we did together. And it's sad that I'm leaving soon and probably won't see them for quite some time. I don't want to be all sentimental about it, or make a list, because for some reason, they really bother me, but I just want to say that even though I've had some crappy times, so far I've led a pretty good life. I think Jill said it best. Go read her blog.

I can't tell you how much it hurts to see the ones you love suffer. I remember in Medford, I had a friend named Brandon Manley, who I speak of with much fondness. He was an amazing person, highly intelligent, very talented, extremely funny and caring. But he had such problems with drugs and that sort of thing, that it hurt to know what he was doing when he wasn't at rehearsal or hanging out with you. You wished that he could just be with you all the time so that he knew that someone loved him and that he didn't need to be doing those sort of things. And what hurts the most was that it got worse after I moved. I'm not saying that I could have kept him from doing drugs or helped him become a better person, but I wish I had more time to tell him how much I cared for him, and how much I loved him for who he was. I do wish that I'll get to see him again someday, and tell him. Sometimes I think about all the wonderful times I've had and wish that I could have told the people I left behind how much I appreciated them and all that they did for me. It's something I'm trying to work on. I don't think you can ever tell someone that you love them too much. It just isn't possible. And as I go throughout my life, I think about how much more I could be doing for others, how much of a better example I could be, how much more Christ-like I could be every day. And I hope it's something I'm improving on, because goodness knows I'm working on it. Who knows. Maybe I should ask him.

Anyway, I went to my Dad's office and stayed there for a long time, waiting for a ride home and getting sheet music for Cabaret. He watched Big Fish with me tonight, something we've been wanting to do for a really long time. It was nice, the whole family joined in, minus Melissa.

I just want to say that though I've been going through some hard times lately, I really am grateful for the people in my life. Melissa was around for me this weekend when I was having a really tough time, and Monday morning wasn't much better. But seeing Mollie playing catch with herself and a tennis ball made me laugh and made me so much happier. Did I ever tell her that? I hope so. It's things like that that make me realize how lucky I am to have known these people and to have had them helped shape my character. So thank you all for being the best people I know. Let's make the last weeks I'm here the craziest and most fun a group of people could possibly have. Love to all. Shalom

"How frail the human heart must be-a mirrored pool of thought." ~Sylvia Plath

This is one of my favorite songs. I was listening to it this morning, and decided that I wanted to share it with you. Isn't it strange how the songs of someone you have never known can describe your life perfectly?

Well I guess this is where I left my life
And all its operations
And I know that I will never get this twice
With all negotiations

This feels like the place between what is and might have been
So I guess this is where we both find out
If this is meant to be

And I'll tell myself, I don't need you
I'll tell myself enough to get me through
But I'll finally show you how I should have been being with you every day
If you can take a little more

Now it takes me back to times on Lincoln Avenue
When you said you'd never get tired of the boy
That seemed to be so far from growing up
But we were different then

This feels like the place between being ready and being in the way

And I'll tell myself, I don't need you
I'll tell myself enough to get me through
But I'll finally show you how I should have been being with you every day
If you can wait a little more

This feels like the time that I'm ready for you
Are you ready for me

'Cause I'll tell myself I'll make it through
I'll tell myself anything to get over you
And I won't blame you but I'm finally ready to show you
That I'm ready to show you, I'm ready to show you
I'll tell myself that I never needed anybody anyway, but anyway
I need you
I need you now
I need you now
I'm ready now

~Lincoln Avenue, Train

Life sure is weird. I only have a week and a half left of school and there seems to be so much that I have to do. So much. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because I'm worrying over everything that has to be done, not to mention I'm not doing so well emotionally right now. I'm so confused and worried. So much to be done, there's no time for emotions. Ugh.

Wow, it's only 10:10, and I am bored out of my mind. I guess I could sing with the treble choir. I think I might in a minute, because I don't have any homework to do and don't have much else to say. I don't know. Anyway, I wish you all the best of luck. I'm leaving in three weeks. How strange. So love to all. Shalom

"I'm dressed up as a ninja. I think I'll start fighting her once she stops talking." ~KC Harris in his dream

I don't know, I've just been in a bad mood lately. I don't know what's wrong. It's not hormones, I know, because I've already been through that. I guess I'm just ready to get out of here and start a new life but I'm stuck here for another month. It sucks both ways, too. Cause I'm going to miss people and everything, but I'm just so ready to be done with high school. It didn't help that I probably failed a Calculus test today, mainly because I couldn't remember that the derivative of ln(x) is 1/x. How silly of me. I just skipped that problem. It was a Quotient Rule problem, so I probably would have gotten it wrong anyway. But there goes 4 points down the drain. Oh well. And I have the second half of the test to look forward to tomorrow. At least I'm finally getting my hair trimmed on Wednesday. I've been needing it for quite some time now.

I'm really excited for State Choir though. I have absolutely no idea how well we'll do, and so I won't offer an opinion on it, but just the prospect of performing in front of all those people gives me pleasant goose chillies. I'm so glad we're going to go last. It's going to be sweet. I really hope that I have a good experience outside the competition as well. We're right by the temple again, which is so cool so I'm definitely planning on going up there as often as I possibly can. Maybe Darcy and I will go up there at five in the morning again ; ). That was fun. Especially cause it was raining and we found a secret path behind the temple. And we got lost in the land of rich people homes. There was a Suburban and a basketball hoop in every driveway, I swear. But yeah, I hope I have a cool experience like that again.

Oh, I had the coolest experience on Sunday night but I don't really feel like relating it. So too bad for you. Though I will tell you it involved fright and horses. You can figure out the rest.

I've discovered that I'm becoming less and less tolerant of immaturity. There are some times when I just want to smack people and tell them to grow up. Or to stop acting stupid. I like having fun and being spontaneous, but I don't like being annoying or constantly crazy. More and more lately I've just wanted to slow down and observe the world around me instead of running through life only concerned about myself. I like silence. Sometimes the talking and laughing just gets too much. I mean, I love laughing, but sometimes I just want to listen. You can learn a lot by listening. Wow. That was meant in a good way, not a weird gossipy way or anything. Sorry.

Remind me to never go hang out at Max's when his parents aren't there ever again. It wasn't pleasant. Now don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed the movie, and I think I enjoyed it more because it was just me, Jeff, KC, Max and Cale actually watching the movie, but people kept coming in and out and apparently any plans that people have over the weekend involve going over to Max's house without his knowledge. So it was a little weird. But I did make Cale laugh twice. Which means my life is fulfilled. The first time was only because I fell off the bed, but I count it, and the second time was I actually said something funny and he laughed. Huzzah! I can die happy. But next time, someone come up with something that we had planned. So that I don't have to be mean to Max or them.

I'm reading the Da Vinci Code right now, and I haven't gotten very far, but so far I'm enjoying it. I hadn't read it before, and I bought it for six bucks at Albertson's, because, come on, how can you pass that up. K, I'm going to stop, because I don't sound like myself.

"I'm small and insignificant. Please don't squish me." Shalom