"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers, and me."

Being sick gives you lots of time to think and dream. I'm not even going to begin to describe the weirdness of my dreams lately (probably because they were drug-induced), but I mean, today I was on a plane or sitting in an airport since 6:30 so I had lots of time to think about my life and where I am. There have been ups and downs, sure, but there has been a lot that has worked out. But can you really appreciate what you have when you see others suffering? I mean, you can look at them and say "wow, I'm really glad that I'm not going through that," but it's hard to do when you can see how much pain they're going through. I don't want that pain, and luckily I don't have it, but you wish you could do something to help others. You wish you could reach out and help someone through their troubles, but there are some things that you can't help with, and you just have to stand helplessly by, whether because of something you did or because there is no outside help that will suffice.

But then there are the little things that happen every day that help when you're down, like listening to Water Night or reading your scriptures, even if only for a few minutes. I haven't read my scriptures in so long, because I've been doing other things or being sick (not that it justifies it), but when I started reading again there where an evident difference in my life. I slept better at night, going to seminary adds a measure of brightness to the day, I have scriptures going through my head instead of stupid things I might have heard. There's comfort there. At my Oma and Opa's 50th wedding anniversary (which was tremendously fun) they talked about Roxanne, and how she's always been a part of the family even though Eric is passed away. We threw a rose out into the bay for him, and even though I don't really remember him, there was that spirit there. I almost started crying several times, but was it because of the missed opportunities on my part, how I never got to know him? I don't even know. I just know that it was touching, and that I'm so grateful to have the family that I have, even though none of that side of the family share the same beliefs as I do. We're still a family, even if some have passed on. Or was I crying because it's not eternal as it should be? I don't know. It's hard to discern emotions sometimes in the moment.

I'm feeling terrible, so I think I'll go to bed, but I guess the point of this is that there's joy in the little things in life. Being sick has really brought me down and made my emotions go crazy and made everything dreary, but there's little moments of happiness that creep up on you and before you know it, you're enjoying yourself. I don't know about the trials in other people's lives, but I wish you all the best, and pray that the Lord will be with you always. I love you all, you're all wonderful people, so I bid you a good night.

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."~Albert Einstein

Shalom