I offer no explanation. I leave you to speculate.
Life has been interesting, to say the very least, of late. As a warning, this is not a "oh, my life sucks and terrible things keep happening to me" kind of blog. I do not want your sympathy. This is merely a blurb of feelings and speculations. I also did not allow for new comments on this blog, because I don't want to know what you think. This is what I think, and I need to allow some integrity for my blog. Not that what you think isn't important, it's just...inappropriate for this entry.
Actually, I really want a glass of milk right now.
How typical. Society is so bent on filling its material needs that it can't even reflect on its individual's lives without fulfilling physical desires first. Why is that? Was Maslow correct when he established the idea of his hierarchy of needs? Do our bodily needs outweigh our spiritual ones so much that we can't fill our spiritual needs until everything else is taken care of? Of course not. We've gotten so used to instant gratification that the time we have spared is not used for meditation, but for fulfilling more needs. I just want to step back and let the flow carry on without me, so that I can observe it from the sidelines and figure out what I'm supposed to do before diving back in to be swept along with the tide of life. I wish I had time for that sort of pondering, time to just sit back and learn through observation, and not in a school setting. I want to change things. I want to change people's lives, influence them for good, help someone back on their way, make people think!
I've noticed a lot about myself lately. I used to think that I really depended on someone to help me through the hard times and to give me advice and to just be there for me, to hold me when I needed it. But people move, people change, and sometimes you can't even count on your best friend. I always knew I was solitary, but it was mostly at home, to avoid arguments or conversation. But lately, I've noticed that I'm not so sure about people's company. I like to be with people. No. I like to laugh. And people sometimes do that. But more and more I've curled deeper into my books and away from the blaring, blinding bedlam of life. I don't enjoy company like I used to. I don't want to talk to people. I want to watch. And listen. And learn. I don't want to interact. I want to be done with public education and travel. Travel to different states and learn about different dialects. Travel to different countries and learn and imitate their culture, their language, their politics, their games. I'm not content with what I have. I want more, and then I want a way to share that information to wrest ignorance and prejudice from the close-minded. I want to share the peace I have found from the scriptures and the gospel. I want freedom to do what I want when I want. I want to learn tennis. I want to dance. I want a lot of things. And that opportunity just isn't here. Where to go? It seems that all fantasy stories involve a journey of some kind, a quest to rescue a maiden, or an adventure to find your true identity. That's what I want. I want to pack a backpack and start walking up the hills, and keep walking and walking to see what I'll find. Mountains seem to call to me. It seems that whenever I'm around mountains, I feel a pull, beckoning me to climb, climb and climb to see what's on the other side. Maybe there is no other side. Maybe I'll just keep traveling over hills and vales until I find a nice quiet spot to finally lay down my pack and settle down. Maybe if I'm really lucky, I'll find a young man on the way, to accompany me and share stories and ideas. But not get in the way. Be a constant companion who knows when to be quiet. Like an imaginary friend, but one you can actually hold. Words can enhance and they can hinder, and I feel that this is one of those hindering times. I can't really say what I want to. I can't express it in words, or pictures, or even colors. Touch maybe. That sense is used so rarely, and it has become a controversial action. It is also not entirely truthful. It can be, if the intentions behind it are well. People distrust each other so much now, that nothing can be taken seriously anymore. The brushing of hands, a casual hug. Innocence is not naivete. It is purity of intent, excellence of character, honesty of heart. It is so easy to lie. But to have truth emanate from every fiber of your being, till people know that you are true and honest in your dealings, and that everything from you can be trusted. It's hard. Which is why it is so unpopular. Chivalry has lost its place in this world. But there's always something better. There's always that beautiful sunset, that moonlight on you face, that whisper of wind through your hair. Beauty is not lost, just the appreciation.
Remember, this is not fact, nor even opinion. Speculation, nothing more. My intent was not to offend, but to broaden. You may disagree, but you now have the glimmer of another idea, another mind. Shalom. Peace be unto you, my friend.
