"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers, and me."

Being sick gives you lots of time to think and dream. I'm not even going to begin to describe the weirdness of my dreams lately (probably because they were drug-induced), but I mean, today I was on a plane or sitting in an airport since 6:30 so I had lots of time to think about my life and where I am. There have been ups and downs, sure, but there has been a lot that has worked out. But can you really appreciate what you have when you see others suffering? I mean, you can look at them and say "wow, I'm really glad that I'm not going through that," but it's hard to do when you can see how much pain they're going through. I don't want that pain, and luckily I don't have it, but you wish you could do something to help others. You wish you could reach out and help someone through their troubles, but there are some things that you can't help with, and you just have to stand helplessly by, whether because of something you did or because there is no outside help that will suffice.

But then there are the little things that happen every day that help when you're down, like listening to Water Night or reading your scriptures, even if only for a few minutes. I haven't read my scriptures in so long, because I've been doing other things or being sick (not that it justifies it), but when I started reading again there where an evident difference in my life. I slept better at night, going to seminary adds a measure of brightness to the day, I have scriptures going through my head instead of stupid things I might have heard. There's comfort there. At my Oma and Opa's 50th wedding anniversary (which was tremendously fun) they talked about Roxanne, and how she's always been a part of the family even though Eric is passed away. We threw a rose out into the bay for him, and even though I don't really remember him, there was that spirit there. I almost started crying several times, but was it because of the missed opportunities on my part, how I never got to know him? I don't even know. I just know that it was touching, and that I'm so grateful to have the family that I have, even though none of that side of the family share the same beliefs as I do. We're still a family, even if some have passed on. Or was I crying because it's not eternal as it should be? I don't know. It's hard to discern emotions sometimes in the moment.

I'm feeling terrible, so I think I'll go to bed, but I guess the point of this is that there's joy in the little things in life. Being sick has really brought me down and made my emotions go crazy and made everything dreary, but there's little moments of happiness that creep up on you and before you know it, you're enjoying yourself. I don't know about the trials in other people's lives, but I wish you all the best, and pray that the Lord will be with you always. I love you all, you're all wonderful people, so I bid you a good night.

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."~Albert Einstein

Shalom

"I don't love her! She kicked me in the face! I hate her!" ~Madmartigan from Willow

I was just thinking about Willow and what a great movie it is. I mean, like this chick, Sorsha? Holy crap. She is the baddest movie-girl ever. Like, Xena Warrior Princess looks like a Barbie compared to this girl. She just goes around kicking people in the face and killing people with her freaky serrated sword. Anyway, that was my girl power moment of the day...

I'm stuck between having Battle of Jericho and Silver and Cold stuck in my head. A very bizarre combination. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it. Probably nothing.

I'm leaving again today, and I finally got caught up in all of my classes. But I'm so stressed with everything that's going on, I just have to relax this weekend, and have fun in the nice warm sun, and not worry about it. I'll get caught up again on Tuesday, and luckily I won't be missing rehearsal, unlike today, which will be the second dance rehearsal in a row I've missed. Ha, dance captain. But we had a dance rehearsal on Wednesday as well, so I actually don't know what tonight's is going to be. Oh well. I'm too lazy to find out, and I don't care enough to...care. I'm really tired and everything is kind of weird right now, but I had a muffin and I can't say orgy. Life is moving too fast and I wish I could just run away from it all. I wish some moments wouldn't end and I didn't have to be home at a certain time and I want to go horseback riding. I want lots of chocolate and to sleep in late and then read a book sitting by the window all wrapped up in a quilt while it's raining. Wow. I don't know where all of that came from. But my head hurts so I'll think I'll leave you all now.

Life is good, I'm doing ok, getting better (yay!). Love to all! And this is most definitely the coolest character in Labyrinth. Sir Didymus. "Was that my stomach or yours, Ambrosius?" Ha!

Heartbreak, incarnate, I'm nothing if not your memories
Heartbreak, please let me be your joy and your pain
Someday I will be...
I'll be those common words spoken uniquely
Because I may, will forever be floating as you feel.
Where all remaining failed.

Please let me haunt as scent on your pillow
Letters of past are tear stained and wrinkled
Please let me haunt as scent on your pillow
Letters of past are tear stained and wrinkled

(Just say) Say you will for me (for me)
Invite me to your memory
(Just sing) Sing again for me (for me)
That long forgotten song

"Synesthesia"~AFI

My life is a roller coaster. I wouldn't mind so much if I didn't get queasy. I don't mind change or anything like that, and I don't really mind the bad times. But sometimes it just happens too fast. Life was wonderful, things were moving along nicely, not too fast, not too slow. I was beginning to find myself again. Now I'm hurtling down a slope with no way to brake. Is it anybody's fault? Probably not. Maybe I just don't want to accept the mistakes I've made and it's causing me to slip. But I thought I was doing ok. I thought we had worked everything out. But once again, I can't be happy. There's too much at stake. Too many others depending on me. Too many people pulling from different sides. Where do I go? I lose myself in music, in the words of others, in the haunting melodies. But is it enough? Can I bring myself to step back from open arms when that's all I really want? Can I allow myself to give up something that I've come to look forward to? Whose happiness is really important here? Must I totally forget myself and give my all to others? Will that really make me happy? They say happiness comes from losing yourself in the service of others. But you mustn't kill yourself, even if it's only your heart that's breaking. I can't go on like this. I find strength in the Lord, and in music, and in the friendships that have formed recently, but now I'm losing it. It's all becoming grey. To keep from hurting others, I have to step back. I have to leave it all to them.

What do I do? My heart is being torn apart. There's so much to care for, but so much responsibility. I don't shy away from responsibility, but I can't choose. But I'm being forced to. So what do I choose?

what once did exist, now is meaningless
and doesn't it seem funny, how soon you did forget
all the words have now lost their weight
but i remember, i remember

desperation, devastation
all i truly know
is isolation
self damnation
all life that i'd own
was shed and worthless now

what i knew was wrong
one who lived is gone
guess it was just an echo
when you would sing my song
all the notes you'd forgotten now
you left abandoned, i remember

desperation, devastation
all i truly know
is isolation
self damnation
all life that i'd own
was shed and worthless now

i can
hate myself
more...
more than anyone

will you join me?

i know that you know that this tortures me!
have i created the suffering?
show me!

or do you happily cut, further in?
to sever what's left inside, that binds me

now all i feel is

desperation, devastation
all i truly know
is isolation
self damnation
all life that i'd own
was shed and worthless now

desperation, devastation
all i truly know
is isolation
self damnation
all life that i'd own
was shed and worthless, worthless now

"Rabbits Are Roadkill on Route 37"~AFI

"Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life." ~Bertolt Brecht

I had such an awesome time with the Tibetan monks yesterday. The performance Wednesday night was amazing, with the chants and the dances and the instruments, it was so incredible. Then yesterday I had lunch with them (they came to our school) and stayed for fourth period making butter sculptures, which was very fun and I was very proud of mine. But talking with them was so cool. And it is interesting, because there is so much that they know that I know to be truth. There are discrepancies in our beliefs, but there is so much the same. Basic principles, of being kind and not having worldy attachments and giving all you have. So much that is so true about life. And I was talking to this one guy, and he was talking about how much of our lives are spent doing completely pointless things, how much of our life is spent just trying to satisfy our "needs," and how much time we waste. Before you know it, half of your life is gone and you don't have much to show for it. It really made me think about what I'm doing in my life, and if it's all really worthwhile. And their devotion fascinates me. To spend all day studying, for most of your life. You must have such a desire to learn and grow. Which I do. A lot of the times I just want to run away from school and home and life and just go around learning about the gospel and sharing it with others and learning about life through experience and not from a textbook. The monk I was talking to the whole time, we asked him what he wanted to do when he was finished with his studies, and he said that he wanted to be a vagabond. He just wants to wander around, not worry about having a job or food or clothing, but just follow the paths that are set before him. I think that that is so cool. It really makes you think about what you're doing with your life and how selfish it tends to be. We always think about me or I, when really we're not isolated in this world. There are so many other people that need our help, and those that have more have an obligation to help those that don't have. It's a simple rule that a lot of people missed in the course of life. Instant gratification. That's all we care about. And I'm not saying I'm not guilty of this as well, I know I am. But sometimes someone comes along and shows you how much happier and more content you could be with your life if you devoted yourself to helping others. It's really nice when things like that happen. A real eye-opener.

I am kind of mad at myself too, having that amazing experience and then just going back to my normal life like nothing happened. But I have a few reminders now, and I think about what I'm doing more often. I put my butter sculpture on my shelf where I can see it, and I bought a set of prayer beads that are hanging on my wall to remind me what I should be praying about. So it changed me a little, at least. I hope permanently.

On a different note, we had so much fun last night. Darcy, Jeff and Sam came over to watch Corpse Bride, even though we only ended up watching about an hour of the movie. We watched a half hour or so, and then decided to make brownies, so we ended up standing around the kitchen talking for a long time. Almost an hour, I'd say. Talking about dreams and licking batter off spoons....ah, good memories. We even have pictures, so I'll post one once Darcy develops the film. Then when we found out that everyone had to leave by 10:30, we watched twenty more minutes of the movie, ate brownies and then everyone left. Not exactly what we came to do, but a heck of a lot of fun nonetheless. I would love to do it again. And what was said and done in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.

Dance rehearsal tonight, whoo hoo! I'm so not excited. Well, dance rehearsals are better than regular rehearsals, cause I'm actually doing stuff the whole time, instead of sitting around doing nothing. We actually work on stuff. I just get frustrated that we can't go faster, but I can live with that. I'm just going to have to take a nap before, because the only thing that got me through rehearsal on Wednesday was my nap in the library. That was nice. But I can't do that again for fear of getting in trouble. Oh well. Sleep is good.

I hope that everyone is doing hunky-dorey, I miss Liz but I'm going to see her very soon, yay! I hope that she is doing wonderfully, I hope that Jeff has fun in Ashland for the short time he'll be there (seeing his friend too), I hope that Mollie has a better day, I hope that everyone has a splendiforous and amazingly glorious day, and that life is going good for them. I may not show it all the time (in the correct manner), but I love you all and wish you all the very best in life. Shalom!