Take II

I'm back! Sorry it took so long. I had a ridiculously busy weekend and then I've been gone camping with Mom and Ray, so I haven't had a chance to write. But now I'm finally continuing the chronicle of my New York trip.

Day Three: Saturday.
This turned out to be the most interesting day of the trip, though that wasn't my intention. After walking everywhere Thursday and Friday my hip was giving me pain, so I decided to take it easy for the morning (aka afternoon, since I don't think I left the house till noon). I took the train all the way down to South Ferry, where the ferry leaves to go to Ellis and Liberty Island. I wanted to get some cash, finally find some postcard stamps, and then just sit in Battery Park and read for a while.

Unfortunately, nothing happened the way I planned. I went to a Duane Reade (which is the pharmacy in New York; it's like Starbucks in San Francisco. There's one on every corner.), where it turns out I couldn't get cash back. I did get a compliment on my haircut, but no money. So then as I continued up the street, I finally found a post office. But because it was Saturday, there was no counter open, nor was there a stamp vending machine. So now stamps and no cash. I did get some money at a bank (because USAA is awesome and pays ATM fees back) and so I walked to Battery Park to relax and read. However, this plan was also soon foiled.

I sat down on a bench and starting watching tourists getting on the ferry, snacking on some almonds. I was there barely five minutes when a squirrel approached me. I shook my head and told it politely that I was not planning on feeding it, but this did not satisfy. The squirrel promptly jumped onto the bench, into my lap, and proceeded to try and enter the bag of almonds my hand was in. Not wanting to let the squirrel eat my almonds, I attempted to shoo it away. It would not be shooed. It persisted in trying to get into the bag, or at least chew holes into it, which I would not allow. People were walking by, and then were stopping and taking pictures of my struggle with the squirrel. One man asked me for an almond so he could feed it, and I refused. I did not want to perpetuate the trend of aggressive animals. One girl asked me if she could take a video. She said, "You're so calm. I would be freaking out." And while I agree that I maintained a level of composure, after about five minutes during which the squirrel actually did chew a hole in the bag of almonds, I was ready to be squirrel-free. So I picked up the squirrel by its middle and moved it off my lap, during which it nibbled on my finger. I stuffed the almonds in my bag and the squirrel, finally thwarted, ran away.

While I was attempting to regain a more solid sense of reality, I realized the finger the squirrel bit was actually bleeding. I rinsed it off with water from my bottle, but the bleeding would not stop. So I started walking around the park trying to find a way to clean my wound (which wasn't that big; I have no idea how it bled so much). The bathroom at the ferry had, of course, a long line, so I went into the bookstore and asked if they had a first aid kit, which oddly enough, they did not. There was a police car idling, but all of the windows were blacked out and I couldn't even tell if there was anyone inside, and since I didn't want to knock on the window because that seemed sketchy, so I went across the street to the Museum of the American Indian. I went inside and asked the guard if they had a first aid kit I could use, as I had been bitten by a squirrel. He gave me a funny look, but called downstairs and told me they had one I could use, and that someone would bring me something shortly. It took me a ridiculous amount of time to find downstairs, because I kept going down the wrong corridor. Once I did, however, there was a guard who, after I told him what I was needing, told me I could sit and wait while the sergeant brought me some alcohol swabs and antibacterial hand wipes.  So then of course he asked what happened, and when I told him, he was very surprised. I told him the story and he thought it was hilarious and strange, because apparently no one had ever heard of anyone being bitten by a squirrel before. He started telling the other guards about what happened, and soon I was recounting the story to them all, making clear I was not feeding the squirrel, but rather it aggressively approached me while I was just trying to relax and eat my almonds. I found I adopted a tiny bit of an accent while I was speaking with the guards; it gave me a certain amount of pleasure they didn't take for granted I was a tourist. Then the sergeant came and we joked about turning into a were-squirrel while I cleaned and bandaged my wound. They said several times I should get a rabies shot, and while I was reluctant (I really didn't think it was that big of a deal), they finally convinced me it would be better to be safe than sorry. Blaine texted me about this time to let me know he was done with work and on his way, so I waited for him to arrive, and when he did I told the whole story all over again.

Agreeing that it would be better to get a rabies shot than take the chance of my dying from a squirrel bite, we decided to try a Duane Reade and see if they offered rabies shots. We went to the same one I had no luck getting cash back at, where we were informed by the pharmacy that they did not give rabies shots, nor was it likely a doctor's office would carry them. We then decided to find a hospital, which for some reason proved more difficult than it ought to have been. We asked a female police officer, and she pointed us in the right direction, though she couldn't remember the name of the street. We did find it, by randomly taking the street we thought looked promising, and talked about 9/11, since the site was very close to where we were. We realized the hospital I went to was probably very busy on that day, and it was interesting to reflect on what it must have been like.

At the hospital we went to the emergency room, which was not nearly as busy as I thought it would be. We were there for about an hour and a half, and the woman who took down my insurance information was very, very nice. (I had brought my insurance card along with me that day, for no particular reason. Thank you foresight. And probably God.) The man who cleaned me up and re-bandaged my finger was also very nice, although he accidentally stabbed my hand while he was trying to cut off the fabric bandage from the museum. The hospital did not give me a rabies shot, having never heard of a case of rabies in a squirrel, but sent me off with a prescription for antibiotics, which I filled at good old Rite Aid (since I had filled there before, but let me tell you, it was difficult to find one in the sea of Duane Reades).

We took it easy that evening, after a crazy afternoon, and ate burgers at some place near Times Square, because we had tickets to see "Clybourne Park." If you know nothing about the play (as I did not), here is a link to a New York Times article about the production: http://theater.nytimes.com/2012/04/20/theater/reviews/clybourne-park-by-bruce-norris-at-walter-kerr-theater.html?_r=0. Although I would disagree with some of the article's main points. I liked the script for the most part, but I did not care for the majority of the actors. I did like Sarah Goldberg and Jeremy Shamos, but none of the other actors seemed particularly realistic. In some cases I don't think the part was written very well, but sometimes the actor would affect a certain physical characteristic that was completely distracting. I did like the parallels between the first and second act, when one character in the second half would repeat a line another character said in the first. However, with some plays it's difficult to ascertain a playwright's choices and purpose. In some cases an author has a specific agenda, and in others she just wants to bring attention to an issue. Gentrification and racism are still huge issues, particularly in the United States, but I wasn't sure what the playwright's final motivation for writing the play was. It was an interesting show, and it sparked lively conversation between Blaine and I and I'm sure other patrons, but it was not the best show I've seen.

This has become a much longer entry than I imagined (that darn squirrel), but Sunday was pretty mellow, so I'll wrap it up with a quick summary of that day's adventures.

Day Four: Sunday. 
Blaine had Sunday off from work, so we did the two things I asked him specifically to join me in: go to the Natural History Museum, and walk across the Brooklyn Bridge (and we have good pictures, I promise. I'll get them up soon). On our way to the museum, we walked across Amsterdam Street, and discovered there was a street fair going on, so we walked up and down the fairly uncrowded street. That was one of those things tourists wouldn't necessarily know about, so it was mostly locals, and not that many people at that. I found my gift for Cat (some fresh passion fruit tea that she says was amazing) and looked at all the other interesting wares. There was a cotton candy truck (hallelujah) but we waited till after the museum to come back so I could get some.


The museum was wonderful, of course: lots of dead animals and weird historical recreations, and of course DINOSAURS. I had a blast and we spent a good chunk of the afternoon there. I did not go to the spiders exhibit because it cost extra, which is a shame because I just read an article on CNN about it. Oh well. But then we decided to go into Brooklyn and walk around before we went on the bridge. We went to Prospect Park (potato salad!) where I tried to find a bridge like the one they dumped Buzzy Bellew's body off of, but did not find one. We walked a long ways and saw a lot of people out playing and having picnics. It's always nice to see people out having fun and laughing in the sunshine when we're so technologically-centered these days. But the park is beautiful because it's huge (almost 600 acres!) and when you're in the middle of it you can't even tell you're in the city anymore. You can't see any buildings, just grass and trees and blue skies.

Then we took the train back into Manhattan so we could walk across the bridge back into Brooklyn (I'm not sure why, but it was a really good idea) and it was gorgeous. We crossed it at the perfect time of day (about 6:30pm) and although parts are under construction and the view is obstructed, there are still plenty of places to look out at the city and Liberty island. It was lovely. We then had dinner at a delicious pizza place called Ignazio's, wandered around by the river, then took the train into the Village where we walked around for a bit before heading home to eat Ben and Jerry's. It was a fun, interesting, and fairly peaceful day, which was just what we both needed. It was great to spend time together and catch up, which is really why I went in the first place. So mission accomplished.

Only two more days to write about, but they're full ones, so I'll try to get them up soon! Ciao till then!

On Manhattan

I was in Manhattan! And I'm going to write about it! Yaaaay! (Kermit arms.)

I'm going to document this trip in three posts, because that way you and I won't get overwhelmed with all the adventures. Unfortunately I have not been able to get any of my pictures from my trip onto my computer yet, so you'll just have to check back and see what I add later.

Day One: a tiny bit of Wednesday and all of Thursday. 
There was only a tiny bit of Wednesday because I arrived at the JFK airport at about 11:45pm EST. Taking the subway from JFK in Brooklyn to the upper West Side on a Wednesday around midnight when the trains don't run as often meant we arrived at Blaine's apartment at around 2:30am. He lives on one of the only hills on the island and he lives on the fourth floor of his apartment building, which doesn't have an elevator. He was kind enough to carry my suitcase, or I would have collapsed and slept on the stoop outside all night.

While we were waiting for the trains, Blaine was telling me about his roommates. He said I might know them, since they went to BYU, but I reminded him I went to the school in Idaho and probably wouldn't know them. Their names didn't ring a bell either. However, after introducing myself to Rachel (who I thought looked uncannily familiar) and starting to chat with his other roommate Dalton, I realized that I did know them. Or, at least, I knew Rachel, and they both know Liz. Rachel went to Playmill with Liz, and Dalton was at BYU-I before I got there. Small world, people. What are the odds?

Before I go on, let me tell you, humidity. I'm telling people the two things I did most in Manhattan is walk and sweat, and I swear no one else looked at sweaty as I felt every day. Thank goodness for parks and shade and cool buildings. Not thank goodness for subway platforms, which feel like hell. 

Blaine was at work during the day so he left me his keys and went off to try and sell expensive apartments while I didn't drag myself out of bed until 11am (this, by the way, was a common occurrence. I don't think I ever fully adjusted to the time difference). But once I finally emerged, I had an interesting and pleasant day. I spent the morning exploring Blaine's neighborhood, which actually became one of my favourite parts of Manhattan. I cut across to Riverside Park, walked down and then hooked up with Broadway, which I walked down until I found a place called the Cathedral School. Within this campus was a small isolated park that was home to a beautiful pure-white peacock. There I stopped for a short rest and did Tai Chi, which refreshed and rejuvenated me. I felt incredibly clean and chipper as I continued my walk, which took me through the Columbia campus, through Morningside Park, and into Central Park.

I spent a few hours in the park, watching people and calling Liz and Mom. And there are so many dog walkers! People walking four, five, six dogs at a time, big and small, fuzzy and short-haired. It was so much fun. After the park I wandered around to find something to eat and stopped at a vegan cafe called Blossom, where I had split pea soup and sauteed Brussels sprouts (which was delicious, but the sprouts needed to be done just a little more lightly). Then I asked my waitress where I could go to get a cheap manicure, and she recommended a place called Polish. I went there and just got a cut and polish, so afterwards my nails were very very shiny. I got a hand massage and they were playing "Pillow Talk" on their TV. It was very nice.

I walked back toward the park and found a chocolate shop called Suger and Plumm, where I bought a little bag of assorted chocolates, and soon after Blaine called me to tell me he was on his way home from work, and since I had his keys I needed to meet him back there. So I went home, and we made ourselves a delicious dinner (of what, I can't remember. Blaine is really good at throwing a random selection of food into a pan and cooking it into something tasty).

Later that night Blaine's friend Michael Keeny came over and took us out to this club that was like a really, really fancy karaoke bar. They had paid singers and then you could sing for $30 a song. Keeny knew the singers, and the bartender (who was awesome and reminded me of Rosie Perez), who made us all free drinks. She made me some juice concoction, and I don't know what was in it, but it was magical. So we hung out there for a while until I got tired and we went home, and went to bed around 3am or so.

Day Two: Friday.
The next day I got up around 10:30am, after Mom texted me to see if I was okay after the unfortunate shooting at the Empire State Building (which I was; I was still in bed). This day I took a roundabout route through Central Park to get to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, where I spent several hours wandering and taking a lot of pictures.  I saw a lot of the Greek sculptures, the interesting modern art section, the fantastic Egyptian art, and the whopping four El Greco's they have. Then I just wandered around Midtown, which, for the record, has NO food. They have a few fancy restaurants (and street vendors, of course), but it's all designer shops, rich people, and tourists. Not my favourite place in the city.

I ended up meeting with Blaine and we went home and had Mexican takeout. Amazing vegetable fajitas, and really, really spicy guacamole. That night we went and hung out with a couple of Blaine's friends; his old high school boyfriend and a girl who lives in the city. He was visiting from LA and thinking about moving to New York and it was his last night, so we went to their hotel and hung out with them for a while, talking about shows and fashion. It was nice and they were great people. Then we went home and crashed for the night. We did walk through Times Square to get to their hotel and back, and I decided I really don't like Times Square. There are too many people and it's too bright and loud and crazy, even at 1am.

During the first couple of days in the city I had a few different impressions. I love all the different people in the city. You hear English being spoken only about 50% of the time, and I love all the colours and shapes and sizes. In general everyone was nice to me, I never felt unsafe, and quite often people assumed I was a local. I got several compliments on my haircut, and people always answered my questions with sincerity and kindness. I went with the attitude that no one wanted to specifically do me harm, and while I was always aware of where I was and where my money was, I never felt unsafe. I walked around with no specific destination in mind, so I didn't look like a tourist, and I found a lot of cool little places I never would have found if I was trying to get somewhere. It was a great couple of days, and I had a wonderful time.

To be continued, so stay tuned! (Saturday includes the squirrel bite story...)

Letter

To those who say that homo
sexuality and gay love is
an imitation
is
untrue
did not sit beside as I sat across
from you
when you
gazing out the window at the sky whose edges were leaking light
said quietly
I do love him
the words walking out from between your lips
Not proudly Not shamefully
but
Matter-of-Fact as the fingerprints on the glass
I do love him you said
and I believed you

Thoughts on "The Dark Knight Rises"

Note: This post contains spoilers. Please do not read until you've seen the film, which you should do anyway.

Also note: I wrote this blog about two weeks ago when I saw the film for the first time, but decided to wait to post it until I saw it again with some friends last night. I think I liked it better the second time, but the issues I had with it, that I discuss here, were solidified for me and I've just expanded what I wrote before. 
 
I recently watched "The Dark Knight Rises" and had an enjoyable time doing so. I had postponed going to see it for two reasons: one, although I knew I was going to see it and that I couldn't do anything about it, the tragic events in Colorado made me feel strange about going to see it. I felt weird about enjoying it when others who went to do the same thing lost their lives, or have to continue living with the memory of that horrific night. I found that, while the victims of the Colorado shooting were on my mind, I still enjoyed the film. The second reason I waited was because it had been a while since I had seen the first two "Batman" films, and I wanted to catch up. However, DJ's only had them in Standard (and come on, no movie should ever been seen in anything except Widescreen) and the Red Box near my house didn't even have them. So I decided that although it had been a while, I still had seen them several times and remembered the basic events in each. Though I do owe a big thank you to Jesse Thorson (I got to see the movie first with Jesse and Kathleen) for reminding me of major plot points.

Before I go any further, I want to say that I liked the film. I might even go so far as to say I really liked it, especially after the second time. I found it interesting, touching, and I certainly didn't see any plot points coming, which is always fun. I would recommend fans to go see it, and I enjoyed it more the second time. The violence was at times a bit much for me (it felt like an auditory and visual assault, but I may be more sensitive than others) though it wasn't overtly graphic. However, I discovered several unexpected problems I had with the structure of the film, which I will discuss here. Some of the issues are well-founded in what I believe are basic elements of story-telling, and some of them are just personal opinions. But I wanted to share them nonetheless. 

Plot Structure: I'm just going to come right out and say it. It felt too long and convoluted. There are some long movies that don't feel long, because they are interesting or beautiful. And there are some short movies that feel like they last forever. This is a long movie that felt long to me. There were moments in the middle of the film where I was, quite frankly, bored. Maybe it was the knowledge at the back of my mind that whatever the fate of Batman, the bomb could not go off, the city would not be destroyed, they couldn't all die. But the tension just wasn't there for me. It was a little too predictable. This may contradict my next point, which is that I felt the story was too complicated. I generally don't have a problem with a lot of information presented to me that I have to remember (I love psychological thrillers and mysteries), but I had a hard time remembering what I was apparently supposed to remember. I think part of the problem was focus. There was a LOT going on, with a lot of different people, and I had a hard time knowing whose story it was and even what the story was. If it was about Batman, a lot of the movie was not about Batman. My friend said she found there were too many people to pay attention to, and consequently, did not feel anything for anyone. I wouldn't go that far, because I think the best parts of the film were the moments of human connection: Bruce and Alfred, Blake and Bruce, Gordon and Blake. But there were so many people and so many little stories, it was very unfocused. Compared with "The Dark Knight" (which I think I liked better, and seemed to me a really interesting, albeit horrifying, study of human nature; it also was more unpredictable), this story was confusing, and I don't know what I was supposed to come away with. It was definitely more hopeful, which I liked, but again, too convoluted. I also felt they made a mistake in the timing of the revelation of Miranda, and not Bane, as Ra's al Ghul's child. I felt it came too soon after the telling of the whole Bane backstory. If the backstory had come sooner, we would have had time to forget about it, and then the revelation would have been more of a surprise. Instead, as soon as the whole wrong truck thing came up, it was pretty obvious. So I would have liked a better "reveal" structure.

Anne Hathaway as Catwoman: I am biased on this one, because I've never really been a fan of Anne Hathaway, and I honestly couldn't tell you why. Perhaps she seems too self-assured on camera, or I always see her in whatever role she's playing (as opposed to being completely one's character, like, in my opinion, Ewan McGregor). Whatever it is, I could not take her seriously as Catwoman. Part of it is I just don't find her sexy enough (I'm a Michelle Pfeiffer fan myself, but I just like that movie), and maybe part of it was that it felt too cliche: the sexy, catty, outside-of-the-law, witty comeback girl who then becomes vulnerable and wastes precious bomb-about-to-go-off seconds kissing. A huge part of it was the role didn't at all feel important. I understand her role in the plot and what purpose she served, but I didn't think it was necessary. Next to Marion Cotillard (who, let's face it, is way sexier), I would have been fine without her there at all.

Everyone in Gotham City is an Idiot: How can no-one know that Bruce Wayne is Batman? Batman and Bruce Wayne haven't been seen in Gotham for eight years, and the very night after Bruce Wayne comes out of hermitude (I made that word up, but it seemed appropriate), Batman returns. And no one makes the connection? I kind of get it, but Catwoman? Really? You didn't get it until Bane said it? You crazy, girl.

"Strong" Female Characters/The Guy Always Gets the Girl: This was actually the strongest issue I had with the movie, and it comes entirely from my feminist perspective. Just once I would like to see a "strong" female character whose strength is not judged by her ability to beat up men. I think strength comes from mercy, from compassion, and from true courage, not from a lack of emotion or from insensitivity to death. Too often a "strong" woman is characterized by "masculine" definitions (which I also think are pretty messed up; I mean, did you see the trailer for "The Expendables 2?"), and it's getting on my nerves. Also, the idea that the hero is always rewarded with a sexy girl (two, in this case) makes me uncomfortable. It is the norm for the comic book and action hero to "win" love from the "strong" woman at the end, and it's even more normal for Batman and Catwoman to hook up, but it's a norm I reject. One of the reasons I like the movie "Hidalgo" is that it's simply a movie about a man and his horse. Yes, he meets a woman, but he doesn't "get" her in the end. Too often a male character goes through some emotional change and at the end gets the girl who didn't have any sort of emotional say in the matter, or whose emotional shift made no sense whatsoever (like in this film). It's a pattern that needs examining. We have few enough mainstream female role models in the real world, so it would be nice to have some fictional ones worthy of emulation.

Movie Actors Have Got to Stop Mumbling: Enough said. (Ok, Bane, I get it, there's a big thing on your face, but it's not just you, mister.)

Editing: I've been told one of my strengths as a director is my attention to detail. Since I had seen this film before and was at times bored, I noticed a lot of little editing mistakes that bugged me. Right hand switching to left hand, visor up versus down, etc. The biggest editing flub that confused me was this: after Batman re-emerges and gets the wireless device thing from the robbery at the stock exchange, he escapes by flying away in "The Bat." He stops by to pick up Catwoman (speaking of which, how did he know where she was? Was he just flying by and happen to notice her? Wouldn't they have heard him?) and then lands on the roof of a random building. Catwoman leaves, and Batman flies home where he talks to Alfred about getting the device thing to Fox so he can decode it, blah, blah, blah. But then, halfway through the film, Fox says Batman needs to get "The Bat," and asks if he remembered where he parked it. Home, right? No, somehow the flier magically reappears on the roof where he "left" it. Anyone? Anyone? Please tell me someone else noticed this. But even the little things got to me after a while. How could no one pay attention to those things?

With all that said, I did like the movie. I've always like Joseph Gordon-Levitt (that is a man I would go straight for) and the story did go through some interesting variations. I loved the Cillian Murphey cameo, with the Scarecrow references, and Gary Oldman is always a pleasure to watch. The problems that arose for me didn't go away the second time (and were, in fact, solidified) but I urge everyone to see it and make their own judgement. You don't have to take my word for it. *wink*

An Anomalous Affinity

I have recently developed a strange and unexpected love for something I never imagined I would be interested in: The A-Team. What started as harmless curiosity suddenly turned into intrepid enthusiasm for a group of fugitive war veterans living as well-meaning mercenaries. Despite its apparent flaws, and my usual indifference to the action genre, the television series has established in me a level of fandom I usually reserve for science fiction.

It's rather difficult to explain. I started watching the show because, after watching the original series "Battlestar Galactica," I developed a man crush on Dirk Benedict. By which I mean I don't want to have his babies, but I think he's really cool and I want to be his friend. (Did you know he survived prostrate cancer in his twenties by isolating himself in a remote cottage and living on a macrobiotic diet he picked up in Sweden? Yeah. Seriously.) He wasn't even in the pilot. He replaced Tim Dunigan, who apparently was "too tall and too young." But by then I was hooked.

The show is by no means perfect, believability being the main issue. With all the explosions, gunfire, and excessive (albeit impressive) car crashes, not a single person has died. Although in my mind I prefer to put this down not to the miraculous constitutions of friend and foe alike, but rather the A-Team's dislike of killing since coming back from the war. They just rough people up a bit to fulfill their contracts. And they always seem to be one step ahead of Lynch or Decker or whichever MP happens to be on their tail. No one seems to think B.A.'s interest in children is creepy (even me, Mr. T being one of the most magnificent men on the planet), or questions the motives of the ordinary men who burn and beat up and break for the bad guy. And no one at the VA psychiatric hospital seems to remember Face whenever he comes to spring Murdock.



But there is something about it that I have hooked onto, something I have fallen a little bit in love with. Maybe it's the delightful dynamic of the group, the way they joke with each other in a spirit of lightheartedness contrary to the nature of their position. Maybe it's the way they don't always get along and are sometimes tested to their limits, yet never leave a man behind. Or the way they can always be trusted. Maybe it's even the cheesy MacGyver-like sequences where they build tanks and armored cars and bomb shelters out of whatever is lying around to the theme song that then always gets stuck in my head. It could be the reassurance of a group of people who have stayed together through years of hardship, and are always there for each other. Or maybe there's just something awesome about driving a car off the road in a helicopter. Whatever it is, I have developed a fondness for the A-Team I would never have expected from myself.

And now I spend my days in anxious anticipation of when I can watch the next episode. I merrily await to discover what disguise we'll next find Hannibal in, what con Face will pull and what girl he'll get doing it, what crazy antics Murdock has in store (oh, wonderful, ridiculous, lovable Murdock), and how angry it will all make B.A. Even Amy doesn't get on my nerves as much as I thought she would (though I have yet to meet her replacement in later episodes).


All in all, somehow and for some reason, a connection to this world has helped me through my final term. I have stayed optimistic. I have remembered how important friends are. And I have stuck to my guns and worked hard to get to where I am now.

I love it when a plan comes together.

Update: Ok, so I have met Amy's replacement, Tawnia. And I gotta say, she is really annoying, mostly because I don't think she's a very good actress. My consolation comes from the fact it appears the A-Team feels the same way about her as I do. I never thought I'd say this, but I miss Amy.

Transcendence

This past week has been adventurous. I lost my job (maybe), found a job, my car died and was revived, and I may start attending a new church (maybe). But it's interesting how your attitude can determine how things affect you. I have made it my goal to not be bothered and when things go wrong, I just roll with the punches. Sure, funds are tight and that is basically the cause of all of my worries, but things will work out. They have so far, and they always will.

Identity is such a strange thing. You think you know who you are, but you have no way of knowing if that's how others see you. In fact, it can be guaranteed that your view of yourself is very different than others' views. You can try to present yourself in a way that reflects how you feel, but your feelings often differ from day to day. And when you try something new, people always say "gee, that's not like you at all." But it IS like me, you say. This is how I feel today, and why should it matter that it's different than how I usually am? People expect you to be one thing, when sometimes you really want to be another. Like the line from "Weekend" (which has become one of my favourite films), "I keep trying to redraw myself, but everyone keeps hiding my pencils."

But I won't feel guilty because of who I am. I won't apologize because I don't fit into your description. Gay? Straight? Bisexual? Transgender? Queer? They're all just labels. They're all just words to put someone in a box. The problem (and the good thing, I suppose) with words is that they all mean something. When you want to describe something you have to use the words at your disposal. And maybe one word is closer than another, but how do you describe something you've never felt before? How do you describe something that is totally and utterly unique to you? You know that no one will ever truly understand it. You know that as soon as you say the words out loud, they will interpret them however they want. How do you communicate with someone? Pictures? Facial expressions? Look at how many languages there are in the world today and then look at how many non-verbal ways of communication include the same way of saying things. A smile. A furrowed brow. A picture of two people holding hands. A dog. A sun. Maybe we should just go back to drawing pictures. But even then I will look at your picture and not see the same thing you see. It's the blessing and curse of the individual. Don't presume to understand me, but know that when I'm looking at you I'm not presuming to understand you either.

Whisper of Winter
A red bird in a bare tree
Transcendence in Spring

Tis the Season

Apparently I'm just going to be posting on holidays. However, there are many obscure holidays all throughout the year so hopefully that means I'll be posting more often. It will be a game to see which holidays we can celebrate with blog posts.

Happy Christmas! I was unable to send out individualized Christmas cards this year as I've been trying to do, so I'm writing a Christmas blog instead! I had one beautiful gift under the tree (thanks Dad and Mary!) and no plans for the rest of the day except to listen to the "Nightmare Before Christmas" soundtrack and eat lots of chocolate.
I went to the United Church of Christ this morning for services, but as I was driving there I realized there were NO cars outside any of the churches in town. Perhaps they had early morning services or something and were spending the rest of the day at home with their families. I got to the United church and there were cars there, so I went inside and they had already had their service and were just finishing up a potluck breakfast. I awkwardly joined them, but they were very kind and I enjoyed spending a bit of time with them. Maybe I'll go back sometime.

It really doesn't feel like Christmas. I'm not with family, though I did just get to see some of them this month, which was fantastic. This morning I was all mopey because I am not spending Christmas with family but now I feel better. I watched "The Nutcracker" designed by Maurice Sendak which was amazing and lifted my mood. My roommate Lorayne invited me to spend some time with her family today and I might later but probably not. It is very nice of her to think of me, but somehow I think it's worse to spend holidays with someone else's family, particularly if you don't know them very well. It would just remind me I'm not with my family. But at home I can just relax and be myself.

It's not snowing, which is actually fine by me. Today was positively warm. And although we have a tree and everything downtown is lighted up, I haven't done much of anything festive-y. I did go to a caroling/winter solstice potluck dinner thing in the mobile home park where I live now. It was actually a lot of fun. We sang carols and moved from house to house for the different courses of dinner. The community here in the park is really nice and they were really open and welcoming. Rayne called me a "party animal" afterwards, which is something I have never been called before and makes me feel odd. I have no idea what prompted it. I didn't drink with everyone. I did have a good time talking and caroling and joking, but I wasn't crazy. At least I didn't think so.

But the point is, I watched both "The Muppet Christmas Carol" and the John Denver and the Muppets Christmas Special yesterday, and they both had some wonderful messages. I was reminded that although I'm not with my family today, as Kermit the Frog says, "Christmas is the one time of year where everyone seems to be a part of everyone's family." So whomever I spend time with today is family. And while the giving of gifts is a wonderful tradition, it's also a good tradition to just spend time with one another and tell people you love them. And as the Ghost of Christmas Present sings, "wherever you find love it feels like Christmas" and "the message is to make it last all year." And so Christmas day, while it's nice to spend with family and friends, is just another day to be grateful for the love I feel from those people. So pity me not, dear ones! Have a very Merry Christmas, and know I'm thinking of you and I love you very much!