Transcendence

This past week has been adventurous. I lost my job (maybe), found a job, my car died and was revived, and I may start attending a new church (maybe). But it's interesting how your attitude can determine how things affect you. I have made it my goal to not be bothered and when things go wrong, I just roll with the punches. Sure, funds are tight and that is basically the cause of all of my worries, but things will work out. They have so far, and they always will.

Identity is such a strange thing. You think you know who you are, but you have no way of knowing if that's how others see you. In fact, it can be guaranteed that your view of yourself is very different than others' views. You can try to present yourself in a way that reflects how you feel, but your feelings often differ from day to day. And when you try something new, people always say "gee, that's not like you at all." But it IS like me, you say. This is how I feel today, and why should it matter that it's different than how I usually am? People expect you to be one thing, when sometimes you really want to be another. Like the line from "Weekend" (which has become one of my favourite films), "I keep trying to redraw myself, but everyone keeps hiding my pencils."

But I won't feel guilty because of who I am. I won't apologize because I don't fit into your description. Gay? Straight? Bisexual? Transgender? Queer? They're all just labels. They're all just words to put someone in a box. The problem (and the good thing, I suppose) with words is that they all mean something. When you want to describe something you have to use the words at your disposal. And maybe one word is closer than another, but how do you describe something you've never felt before? How do you describe something that is totally and utterly unique to you? You know that no one will ever truly understand it. You know that as soon as you say the words out loud, they will interpret them however they want. How do you communicate with someone? Pictures? Facial expressions? Look at how many languages there are in the world today and then look at how many non-verbal ways of communication include the same way of saying things. A smile. A furrowed brow. A picture of two people holding hands. A dog. A sun. Maybe we should just go back to drawing pictures. But even then I will look at your picture and not see the same thing you see. It's the blessing and curse of the individual. Don't presume to understand me, but know that when I'm looking at you I'm not presuming to understand you either.

Whisper of Winter
A red bird in a bare tree
Transcendence in Spring