Letter

To those who say that homo
sexuality and gay love is
an imitation
is
untrue
did not sit beside as I sat across
from you
when you
gazing out the window at the sky whose edges were leaking light
said quietly
I do love him
the words walking out from between your lips
Not proudly Not shamefully
but
Matter-of-Fact as the fingerprints on the glass
I do love him you said
and I believed you

Thoughts on "The Dark Knight Rises"

Note: This post contains spoilers. Please do not read until you've seen the film, which you should do anyway.

Also note: I wrote this blog about two weeks ago when I saw the film for the first time, but decided to wait to post it until I saw it again with some friends last night. I think I liked it better the second time, but the issues I had with it, that I discuss here, were solidified for me and I've just expanded what I wrote before. 
 
I recently watched "The Dark Knight Rises" and had an enjoyable time doing so. I had postponed going to see it for two reasons: one, although I knew I was going to see it and that I couldn't do anything about it, the tragic events in Colorado made me feel strange about going to see it. I felt weird about enjoying it when others who went to do the same thing lost their lives, or have to continue living with the memory of that horrific night. I found that, while the victims of the Colorado shooting were on my mind, I still enjoyed the film. The second reason I waited was because it had been a while since I had seen the first two "Batman" films, and I wanted to catch up. However, DJ's only had them in Standard (and come on, no movie should ever been seen in anything except Widescreen) and the Red Box near my house didn't even have them. So I decided that although it had been a while, I still had seen them several times and remembered the basic events in each. Though I do owe a big thank you to Jesse Thorson (I got to see the movie first with Jesse and Kathleen) for reminding me of major plot points.

Before I go any further, I want to say that I liked the film. I might even go so far as to say I really liked it, especially after the second time. I found it interesting, touching, and I certainly didn't see any plot points coming, which is always fun. I would recommend fans to go see it, and I enjoyed it more the second time. The violence was at times a bit much for me (it felt like an auditory and visual assault, but I may be more sensitive than others) though it wasn't overtly graphic. However, I discovered several unexpected problems I had with the structure of the film, which I will discuss here. Some of the issues are well-founded in what I believe are basic elements of story-telling, and some of them are just personal opinions. But I wanted to share them nonetheless. 

Plot Structure: I'm just going to come right out and say it. It felt too long and convoluted. There are some long movies that don't feel long, because they are interesting or beautiful. And there are some short movies that feel like they last forever. This is a long movie that felt long to me. There were moments in the middle of the film where I was, quite frankly, bored. Maybe it was the knowledge at the back of my mind that whatever the fate of Batman, the bomb could not go off, the city would not be destroyed, they couldn't all die. But the tension just wasn't there for me. It was a little too predictable. This may contradict my next point, which is that I felt the story was too complicated. I generally don't have a problem with a lot of information presented to me that I have to remember (I love psychological thrillers and mysteries), but I had a hard time remembering what I was apparently supposed to remember. I think part of the problem was focus. There was a LOT going on, with a lot of different people, and I had a hard time knowing whose story it was and even what the story was. If it was about Batman, a lot of the movie was not about Batman. My friend said she found there were too many people to pay attention to, and consequently, did not feel anything for anyone. I wouldn't go that far, because I think the best parts of the film were the moments of human connection: Bruce and Alfred, Blake and Bruce, Gordon and Blake. But there were so many people and so many little stories, it was very unfocused. Compared with "The Dark Knight" (which I think I liked better, and seemed to me a really interesting, albeit horrifying, study of human nature; it also was more unpredictable), this story was confusing, and I don't know what I was supposed to come away with. It was definitely more hopeful, which I liked, but again, too convoluted. I also felt they made a mistake in the timing of the revelation of Miranda, and not Bane, as Ra's al Ghul's child. I felt it came too soon after the telling of the whole Bane backstory. If the backstory had come sooner, we would have had time to forget about it, and then the revelation would have been more of a surprise. Instead, as soon as the whole wrong truck thing came up, it was pretty obvious. So I would have liked a better "reveal" structure.

Anne Hathaway as Catwoman: I am biased on this one, because I've never really been a fan of Anne Hathaway, and I honestly couldn't tell you why. Perhaps she seems too self-assured on camera, or I always see her in whatever role she's playing (as opposed to being completely one's character, like, in my opinion, Ewan McGregor). Whatever it is, I could not take her seriously as Catwoman. Part of it is I just don't find her sexy enough (I'm a Michelle Pfeiffer fan myself, but I just like that movie), and maybe part of it was that it felt too cliche: the sexy, catty, outside-of-the-law, witty comeback girl who then becomes vulnerable and wastes precious bomb-about-to-go-off seconds kissing. A huge part of it was the role didn't at all feel important. I understand her role in the plot and what purpose she served, but I didn't think it was necessary. Next to Marion Cotillard (who, let's face it, is way sexier), I would have been fine without her there at all.

Everyone in Gotham City is an Idiot: How can no-one know that Bruce Wayne is Batman? Batman and Bruce Wayne haven't been seen in Gotham for eight years, and the very night after Bruce Wayne comes out of hermitude (I made that word up, but it seemed appropriate), Batman returns. And no one makes the connection? I kind of get it, but Catwoman? Really? You didn't get it until Bane said it? You crazy, girl.

"Strong" Female Characters/The Guy Always Gets the Girl: This was actually the strongest issue I had with the movie, and it comes entirely from my feminist perspective. Just once I would like to see a "strong" female character whose strength is not judged by her ability to beat up men. I think strength comes from mercy, from compassion, and from true courage, not from a lack of emotion or from insensitivity to death. Too often a "strong" woman is characterized by "masculine" definitions (which I also think are pretty messed up; I mean, did you see the trailer for "The Expendables 2?"), and it's getting on my nerves. Also, the idea that the hero is always rewarded with a sexy girl (two, in this case) makes me uncomfortable. It is the norm for the comic book and action hero to "win" love from the "strong" woman at the end, and it's even more normal for Batman and Catwoman to hook up, but it's a norm I reject. One of the reasons I like the movie "Hidalgo" is that it's simply a movie about a man and his horse. Yes, he meets a woman, but he doesn't "get" her in the end. Too often a male character goes through some emotional change and at the end gets the girl who didn't have any sort of emotional say in the matter, or whose emotional shift made no sense whatsoever (like in this film). It's a pattern that needs examining. We have few enough mainstream female role models in the real world, so it would be nice to have some fictional ones worthy of emulation.

Movie Actors Have Got to Stop Mumbling: Enough said. (Ok, Bane, I get it, there's a big thing on your face, but it's not just you, mister.)

Editing: I've been told one of my strengths as a director is my attention to detail. Since I had seen this film before and was at times bored, I noticed a lot of little editing mistakes that bugged me. Right hand switching to left hand, visor up versus down, etc. The biggest editing flub that confused me was this: after Batman re-emerges and gets the wireless device thing from the robbery at the stock exchange, he escapes by flying away in "The Bat." He stops by to pick up Catwoman (speaking of which, how did he know where she was? Was he just flying by and happen to notice her? Wouldn't they have heard him?) and then lands on the roof of a random building. Catwoman leaves, and Batman flies home where he talks to Alfred about getting the device thing to Fox so he can decode it, blah, blah, blah. But then, halfway through the film, Fox says Batman needs to get "The Bat," and asks if he remembered where he parked it. Home, right? No, somehow the flier magically reappears on the roof where he "left" it. Anyone? Anyone? Please tell me someone else noticed this. But even the little things got to me after a while. How could no one pay attention to those things?

With all that said, I did like the movie. I've always like Joseph Gordon-Levitt (that is a man I would go straight for) and the story did go through some interesting variations. I loved the Cillian Murphey cameo, with the Scarecrow references, and Gary Oldman is always a pleasure to watch. The problems that arose for me didn't go away the second time (and were, in fact, solidified) but I urge everyone to see it and make their own judgement. You don't have to take my word for it. *wink*

An Anomalous Affinity

I have recently developed a strange and unexpected love for something I never imagined I would be interested in: The A-Team. What started as harmless curiosity suddenly turned into intrepid enthusiasm for a group of fugitive war veterans living as well-meaning mercenaries. Despite its apparent flaws, and my usual indifference to the action genre, the television series has established in me a level of fandom I usually reserve for science fiction.

It's rather difficult to explain. I started watching the show because, after watching the original series "Battlestar Galactica," I developed a man crush on Dirk Benedict. By which I mean I don't want to have his babies, but I think he's really cool and I want to be his friend. (Did you know he survived prostrate cancer in his twenties by isolating himself in a remote cottage and living on a macrobiotic diet he picked up in Sweden? Yeah. Seriously.) He wasn't even in the pilot. He replaced Tim Dunigan, who apparently was "too tall and too young." But by then I was hooked.

The show is by no means perfect, believability being the main issue. With all the explosions, gunfire, and excessive (albeit impressive) car crashes, not a single person has died. Although in my mind I prefer to put this down not to the miraculous constitutions of friend and foe alike, but rather the A-Team's dislike of killing since coming back from the war. They just rough people up a bit to fulfill their contracts. And they always seem to be one step ahead of Lynch or Decker or whichever MP happens to be on their tail. No one seems to think B.A.'s interest in children is creepy (even me, Mr. T being one of the most magnificent men on the planet), or questions the motives of the ordinary men who burn and beat up and break for the bad guy. And no one at the VA psychiatric hospital seems to remember Face whenever he comes to spring Murdock.



But there is something about it that I have hooked onto, something I have fallen a little bit in love with. Maybe it's the delightful dynamic of the group, the way they joke with each other in a spirit of lightheartedness contrary to the nature of their position. Maybe it's the way they don't always get along and are sometimes tested to their limits, yet never leave a man behind. Or the way they can always be trusted. Maybe it's even the cheesy MacGyver-like sequences where they build tanks and armored cars and bomb shelters out of whatever is lying around to the theme song that then always gets stuck in my head. It could be the reassurance of a group of people who have stayed together through years of hardship, and are always there for each other. Or maybe there's just something awesome about driving a car off the road in a helicopter. Whatever it is, I have developed a fondness for the A-Team I would never have expected from myself.

And now I spend my days in anxious anticipation of when I can watch the next episode. I merrily await to discover what disguise we'll next find Hannibal in, what con Face will pull and what girl he'll get doing it, what crazy antics Murdock has in store (oh, wonderful, ridiculous, lovable Murdock), and how angry it will all make B.A. Even Amy doesn't get on my nerves as much as I thought she would (though I have yet to meet her replacement in later episodes).


All in all, somehow and for some reason, a connection to this world has helped me through my final term. I have stayed optimistic. I have remembered how important friends are. And I have stuck to my guns and worked hard to get to where I am now.

I love it when a plan comes together.

Update: Ok, so I have met Amy's replacement, Tawnia. And I gotta say, she is really annoying, mostly because I don't think she's a very good actress. My consolation comes from the fact it appears the A-Team feels the same way about her as I do. I never thought I'd say this, but I miss Amy.

Transcendence

This past week has been adventurous. I lost my job (maybe), found a job, my car died and was revived, and I may start attending a new church (maybe). But it's interesting how your attitude can determine how things affect you. I have made it my goal to not be bothered and when things go wrong, I just roll with the punches. Sure, funds are tight and that is basically the cause of all of my worries, but things will work out. They have so far, and they always will.

Identity is such a strange thing. You think you know who you are, but you have no way of knowing if that's how others see you. In fact, it can be guaranteed that your view of yourself is very different than others' views. You can try to present yourself in a way that reflects how you feel, but your feelings often differ from day to day. And when you try something new, people always say "gee, that's not like you at all." But it IS like me, you say. This is how I feel today, and why should it matter that it's different than how I usually am? People expect you to be one thing, when sometimes you really want to be another. Like the line from "Weekend" (which has become one of my favourite films), "I keep trying to redraw myself, but everyone keeps hiding my pencils."

But I won't feel guilty because of who I am. I won't apologize because I don't fit into your description. Gay? Straight? Bisexual? Transgender? Queer? They're all just labels. They're all just words to put someone in a box. The problem (and the good thing, I suppose) with words is that they all mean something. When you want to describe something you have to use the words at your disposal. And maybe one word is closer than another, but how do you describe something you've never felt before? How do you describe something that is totally and utterly unique to you? You know that no one will ever truly understand it. You know that as soon as you say the words out loud, they will interpret them however they want. How do you communicate with someone? Pictures? Facial expressions? Look at how many languages there are in the world today and then look at how many non-verbal ways of communication include the same way of saying things. A smile. A furrowed brow. A picture of two people holding hands. A dog. A sun. Maybe we should just go back to drawing pictures. But even then I will look at your picture and not see the same thing you see. It's the blessing and curse of the individual. Don't presume to understand me, but know that when I'm looking at you I'm not presuming to understand you either.

Whisper of Winter
A red bird in a bare tree
Transcendence in Spring

Tis the Season

Apparently I'm just going to be posting on holidays. However, there are many obscure holidays all throughout the year so hopefully that means I'll be posting more often. It will be a game to see which holidays we can celebrate with blog posts.

Happy Christmas! I was unable to send out individualized Christmas cards this year as I've been trying to do, so I'm writing a Christmas blog instead! I had one beautiful gift under the tree (thanks Dad and Mary!) and no plans for the rest of the day except to listen to the "Nightmare Before Christmas" soundtrack and eat lots of chocolate.
I went to the United Church of Christ this morning for services, but as I was driving there I realized there were NO cars outside any of the churches in town. Perhaps they had early morning services or something and were spending the rest of the day at home with their families. I got to the United church and there were cars there, so I went inside and they had already had their service and were just finishing up a potluck breakfast. I awkwardly joined them, but they were very kind and I enjoyed spending a bit of time with them. Maybe I'll go back sometime.

It really doesn't feel like Christmas. I'm not with family, though I did just get to see some of them this month, which was fantastic. This morning I was all mopey because I am not spending Christmas with family but now I feel better. I watched "The Nutcracker" designed by Maurice Sendak which was amazing and lifted my mood. My roommate Lorayne invited me to spend some time with her family today and I might later but probably not. It is very nice of her to think of me, but somehow I think it's worse to spend holidays with someone else's family, particularly if you don't know them very well. It would just remind me I'm not with my family. But at home I can just relax and be myself.

It's not snowing, which is actually fine by me. Today was positively warm. And although we have a tree and everything downtown is lighted up, I haven't done much of anything festive-y. I did go to a caroling/winter solstice potluck dinner thing in the mobile home park where I live now. It was actually a lot of fun. We sang carols and moved from house to house for the different courses of dinner. The community here in the park is really nice and they were really open and welcoming. Rayne called me a "party animal" afterwards, which is something I have never been called before and makes me feel odd. I have no idea what prompted it. I didn't drink with everyone. I did have a good time talking and caroling and joking, but I wasn't crazy. At least I didn't think so.

But the point is, I watched both "The Muppet Christmas Carol" and the John Denver and the Muppets Christmas Special yesterday, and they both had some wonderful messages. I was reminded that although I'm not with my family today, as Kermit the Frog says, "Christmas is the one time of year where everyone seems to be a part of everyone's family." So whomever I spend time with today is family. And while the giving of gifts is a wonderful tradition, it's also a good tradition to just spend time with one another and tell people you love them. And as the Ghost of Christmas Present sings, "wherever you find love it feels like Christmas" and "the message is to make it last all year." And so Christmas day, while it's nice to spend with family and friends, is just another day to be grateful for the love I feel from those people. So pity me not, dear ones! Have a very Merry Christmas, and know I'm thinking of you and I love you very much!

Middling

It's Thanksgiving, and although I'm not with family or friends on this day, I am cuddled up in a blanket with three dogs snuggling close, the Punch Brothers playing softly, and a little fireplace space heater flickering in the corner. I am content.

This term has been absolutely insane, but I have had so many good experiences I would not change it in any way. I still have lots to do before finals (directing projects next week, groundplan and model for "The Tempest" design, Econ paper, play, and moving) but I think I can make it. I just have to actually sit down and do it.

I am particularly excited for my directing project, "Rope." I have a wonderful cast and crew who have worked tremendously hard in the very short time we had available to create what is a solid production. We still have work to do before tech (Monday!) but we're all taking a well-deserved break this weekend after some really wonderful rehearsals this past week. And the deeper we go into the script the more I love it. As it's a period piece written in 1929, part of the work we've been doing is to try and find ways to make it relevant to our world today. The play is, I believe, about apathy and disillusionment, and finding a sense of morality one character thought he had lost. We find this very prevalent today, as our generation has a tendency to worry about things like fashion and fame rather than the troubled state our world is in. We spoke about the Occupy Wall Street movement as an improv exercise before rehearsal on Tuesday and tried to connect it to our play, which with the recent violence and police abuse has become impossible to ignore. I have been reading a lot about the Occupy events recently and I am interested in doing theatre that deals with that issue and eminent revolution in the future, so I am trying to integrate my feelings into what we're doing right now (which is essentially a play about the 1% and how their situation and views on society lead to a motiveless murder). I wish we had a lot more time to work on this production, to explore and learn more, but as it is I am comfortable with where we are and I think it will be a good show.

After this term things will be slowing down considerably, which will allow me to read more, relax more, discover what I want more. The event of graduating and becoming a real adult is looming ever closer, and as exciting as that is, it's also terrifying. We'll see what happens. It will be exhilarating and intimidating.

How to be grown up
Always a Lost Boy inside
Grittiness of sand

Comforter

I know it's been a while since I posted, and I apologize. School started and things have been pretty crazy for the past couple of weeks. And it's only going to get crazier.

It's rather bizarre being back in school. It's strange to always be surrounded by people. Fun, but strange. I'm not popular but I'm well-liked, and it's led to me occupying a fairly queer place in the theatre department. First of all, I'm the assistant director for our Black Box show "Dog Sees God: Confessions of a Teenage Blockhead." The play is vulgar and cruel and hilarious and heavy, but it ends with a measure of hope and is popular among the students. This assignment means I'm in a leadership position that people recognize and respect (Kyle, the director, has been very good about involving me in the actual rehearsal process, which I find refreshing). I'm also in the Intermediate Directing class, which consists of a 30-minute cut of a play presented at the end of the term. These projects are a big deal within the department, and we work with the Acting II class so we both gain valuable experience working with peers. This has the same effect as being an assistant director. That, and having been a den mom last year (with almost all my den babies still within the department), has created a role of "mom" within the department for me. At least, that's what it feels like. People stop me in the halls to get hugs, people pull me aside to talk about difficulties, people look to me for comfort and encouragement. I almost always have a positive outlook and am constantly telling everyone to calm down and let it work itself out. I don't mind, not at all. In fact, I rather enjoy it. However, it makes me terribly lonely. Who do I go to when I have problems? Who will put their arms around me and tell me it's going to be all right? Who will lift me when I'm down? I have friends in the department and out, but I want that one person who will always be there for me.

No worries. I'm just feeling a bit down today. I'm tired. I feel old.