Unless

Have you looked outside your window at night lately? The moonlight is so lovely. So pure. It reflects off the frost on the step and glistens like tears.

I've been quite melancholy of late. I can't really explain it. Everything is just strangely sad to me. I can't say that I feel sad. Just...separate. Everything is like a movie to me. I'm distant and just watching everything happen around me. It's a strange feeling, but I kind of like it. I don't have to do anything. Just watch.

This Thanksgiving was good. I have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful, crazy family that is very well off who gets to move away across the country. And then across the world. I have a great dad who is awesome and likes the same geeky things I do. I have have an incredible mother who loves me and is always there for me. I have a stupendous sister who I can tell anything to, and won't judge me. I have lots of loving friends who care for me and don't mind listening to me rant about stupid things. I have a warm bed at night and warm clothing during the day. I have food to eat, though sometimes it's not much. I have books to read and songs to sing, with eyes to read them and lips to sing them. I have feet to dance and hands to hold and ears to listen. I have a porch to sit on and feel the wind across my cheek. I have a good education and a better one at my fingertips. I know what astigmatism is. I will never run out of things to learn. I will always have weird dreams. I will always have the gospel to rely on. I will always have the Savior to be my friend, and to support me in times of trial. I will always wait for my best friend.

I wish I could say more, but my heart is telling me to keep it all inside. I just feel like hearing everything and saying nothing. There is so much beauty in the world, so much love. There is so much ugliness and so much hate. There is so much hope. Tell someone you care today. Laugh with a child. Walk underneath trees. Dance in the moonlight. Sing. Love life for the glorious gift that it is. I love you all.

Shalom.

"Knowing how we can treat each other-that's not something I'll miss from this world." -Anwatan from Widdershins

Reading this book Widdershins, I am reminded of the world we live in. How we cansenselessly kill each other without batting an eye. Joseph Crazy Dog says that every death diminishes us. We shouldn't take personal issues to innocents. It's too complicated to explain it all, but in the book the cerva (the buffalo) are going to battle against the fairy because the fairy have been taking over the cousins' land after we stripped them of their hides and left them to rot in the grass. Minisino, the leader of the cerva, makes the point that no one is innocent, and maybe that's true. But I like Joe's attitude better.

"It's just this theory that I have that there's not enough goodness in the world. And we need more of it. Well, see, if you do someone a favour, expecting something in return, it's not as pure as just doing it with no expectation. Doing it just for the sake of doing it, because it's the right thing. It's a funny wheel we're on these days. Sometimes I feel it's wobbling so much I get worried it's going to go right off track, and then where the hell would we be? The best way I know to keep it running smooth is make sure the acts of kindness outweigh the bad. I can't do it for the whole world, but I can do it in my own life, and I figure every little bit helps."

Terrible things happen. Massacres happen at universities. Millions of men and women and children die because of unsettled governments. We automatically hate those we don't know or understand. We all have shadows inside of us, hiding in the light that fills our hearts. If we can just reach inside of ourselves and erase that shadow, rid our minds with the dark memories and experiences that keep us from progressing. Sometimes I wish that I had a pocket world in the otherworld, that I could step into whenever I wanted to, to get away from people and the tragedies that happen in the world. But I know that that can't happen. I have to deal with life and move on. I have to find that shadow within myself and deal with it, get it out so that I can continue on. Stop brooding and just do good things for other people.

I think that Joe Crazy Dog is right. All we can do is try and make sure that the good outweighs the bad in the world. Terrible things happen. But there are so many good people out there, doing good things for other people. Random anonymous acts of kindness. Sincere acts of love. We don't have to change the world to change someone's life. Look around. There is someone who needs your help. Make yourself available. And when someone asks you for something, don't expect them to owe you a favor.

Widdershins. This whole book is about helping people, standing up against an army with a handful of others because you want to help save a race that you've never met before. It's about making bonds with each other, making each other family. It's about choice. It's about feeling such love for people, no matter who they are, that death doesn't stop you from helping them.

"People can be so horrible, can't they?"
"But they have the potential inside them for great good, too, Rabedy Collins. It's true we can't make them turn from doing wrong. But we can set an example by how we live our own lives."
"Do you think it makes a difference?"
"Everything we do makes a difference," she told him. "The onus is upon us as to whether the difference we make is for good or evil." She paused a beat, then added, "I will go find my father. Wait for me here."
And then she was gone.

"The reality of perfection is much different than its perception." -The Fact of Twilight

I would like to share a little something that Steve Holiday, author/director of the Fact of Twilight, included on the back of the program during production.

Each of the characters in our story is a lost soul, searching for validation, love, or acceptance; and much like each of us, they are each given the opportunity to help another on the journey toward redemption. Sometimes we discover that our greatest purpose is that opportunity; and often, we find that that person is the least convenient of souls.

Have you ever had someone turn their back on you only to find that you need each other? Have you ever met someone with vastly different values or standards than you, and written them off, only to find that your growth depends on them?

Why is it that there are some topics that we refuse to talk about as a society? If we do talk about them, it is only in indecent corners and immoral stairwells. Those who champion these topics are an extreme minority of the left, and, unfortunately, see sexuality and religious liberalism as topics to force on the majority through entertainment and locker rooms. When these topics are pushed on us by this small demograpic, we bury them deeper and talk about them less. And, when our children are old enough to need to know about such topics, they end up learning them by the only available means-that extreme minority that we tried so hard to shun in the first place. Is it any wonder that our youth falter? Does it come as a surprise that they eventually come pleadingly to us for guidance? Does it disgust you that there are many who refuse to embrace and help those who need us the most?

I believe that it is our responsibility to educate. I believe that there is a time and a place for everything, and that sacred things must not be taken lightly. But I also believe that we have a sacred responsibility to "lift the hands that hand," as the late Neal Maxwell said. And if we do not, we may just be given another "opportunity" to get things right before we receive our exaltation. This is the theme of our story this evening. Max Tivoli said, "we are each the love of someone's life," and the scriptures teach that "we are assigned angels in Heaven." Perhaps by utilizing both of these tools we can make sense of this life.

I find that so very inspiring. I got to read the play while it was in the process going through the department. I got to read as Gwen, the main character who finally finds herself home after a "lifetime" of searching. I want a copy of the script, as a literary reference. It was so well-written and so profound and universal. Gwen isn't religious, but the show is filled with little references to our doctrine and the show takes place in a limbo, if you will, a kind of spiritual prison that she is kept in until she fully accepts her death and understands what she has to learn before she can go home. What joy when she steps through the door and finds all she is looking for! What pain to not understand! I try so hard to be open-minded and understanding, because I don't fully know who I am yet. I don't know what it is I want to do in life. I admire so much the people who do one thing for so long, and then realize what else is out there in the world. And they realize that theatre or music or writing is not actually their passion. They want to help people. They want to be instruments in the Lord's hands and be His tools to save the lives of other people. They want their life to be so filled with God's love that they no longer think about themselves. They are the Lord's. Their nature is changed.

I had a hard time grasping the idea of the Atonement. In our Mormon pop culture, we talk about certain ideas and themes that just don't really make a lot of sense to me. I mean, I think I understand them, but it wasn't until a couple weeks ago that I really realized that Christ atoned for my sins. I don't have to repent of my sins. (Just wait for it, please don't freak out) My sins are forgiven and I am clean. "No unclean thing can dwell in the presence of God." I am going to be in the presence of God at the end of my life so that I can be judged of Him. And the only way that I can be in His presence is if my sins are already washed clean. I will be clean. Everyone will be clean. It's not the sins that matter. It's the nature. Christ is going to look in my heart and see that I am still fallen, that I am still carnal, sensual and devilish. He is going to see that I cannot no longer dwell in His presence and I will be resurrected to a telestial state. But if I can change my nature now, if through the process of repentance I am no longer enticed by the things of the world, but by the things of the Lord, I can be exalted and remain in His presence. I never realized that before. I was sitting in class the other day and all of a sudden it hit me. I am fallen. There is nothing I can do about it. I am utterly wretched. But that's why the Atonement and the mercy and grace of God are so wonderful. I walked away that day feeling happier than I have in a long time, all because I realized that with the help of Christ, I can change my nature and become like Him. I used to think that I could fix all my problems myself. I'm too prideful to ask for help. I wanted to be perfect before I came to Christ. But I have to come to Christ to be perfected in Him. I cannot do it on my own. There is no way. But with His help, I can change. What joy and rapture I feel when I ponder the immensity of His grace! It is possible for me to shake off the natural man and come to stand before God.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

-Max Ehrmann, DESIDERATA