"Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with." ~Mark Twain

That statement, which I didn't really think about till just now, is very true. When I'm sad or depressed, I just want to be alone, and figure it all out by myself. I prefer to let my grief play itself out by crying alone or singing to Coheed and doodling or something like that. But joy. Joy you have to share with someone. When something happens that brings you such happiness, you have to tell someone. You just can't keep it to yourself. And if you share it with someone, that's even better, because you can talk about it for a long time afterwards.

I know I just blogged last night, but I'm just such a mix of emotions right now though. This picture (found under the title of So Many Emotions, So Little Time) fascinates me, and seems to entail what I'm feeling. So separate. And it has a bit of an Abaratian quality about it, which I really do like. There's just so much going on right now that I can't quite figure out, though I've spent quite a bit of time trying. I think I understand a little better, but what needs to happen now is the real question. I just don't know. We'll see, I guess.

I was just thinking about friendship and how lucky I am to know the people that associate with me. The bare fact that they hang out with me is incredible. They are all so wonderful, so loving, so fun, so forgiving. I've been quite a pest in the past, and still am occasionally (though I'm trying to be better) and they still like me. What great people. For instance, I had an amazing time yesterday. And I was just thinking about how Jill and I went through that time that we didn't really like each other and so really didn't hang out at all. But look at us now. After we swallowed our pride and admitted to each other that we were being stupid and that we missed each other (ok, ok, that's what I said), we're so much closer now because of it. I think about the times we've had together and I can't help but smile. There are so many memories there that we've shared, so many good times. So many deep conversations after snarfing chocolate and singing at the top of our lungs. I've had some of the best times of my life with Jill. And though I'm not going to go into them all, I can say the same about all my friends. There are so many memories that I am going to treasure when I leave. We have to have a mad time the week after graduation, because then I leave and the likelihood of my coming back soon is very slim. And that makes me sad, but not really. I mean, I was telling Jill yesterday, that I miss some of the old times that we had together, all the things we did. But then again, if I dwell too much on what we did then, then I wouldn't be paying attention to what I was doing now. And I was having an awesome time. So it's kind of the same thing. I'm going to miss everyone terribly, and I have tons of great memories and experiences to take with me. But I'm so excited to go out and start over, start over in a new town where no one knows me and I can rely on myself to meet people and just be myself. It's going to be crazy, but crazy cool. So as you can probably see, I am a mix of emotions and conflicting feelings. And some of them aren't going to be resolved anytime soon. But that's ok. As long as there is the sun in the sky (occasionally) and ice cream in the stores, I'm good. And I'm glad. I love you all, I hope you know. You're all amazing. Love to all. Shalom. Really.

"True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation." ~George Washington

"So if Nur is there, who's that kid?" "Older?" ~Jeffrey Jacket

I just wanted to put that quote up there to see how many people actually think it's funny, because, unfortunately, I don't. I also didn't get it for quite some time. For those of you who aren't acquainted with Raage's little brother, his name is pronounced like "newer." Hence the joke. Sorry, Jeff, I just don't see the hilarity. I'll give you credit for making Jillian laugh a lot. I am, however, having a tremendously happy day. I'm sitting here, no shoes, listening to Coheed and Cambria after having the time of my life. Let me tell you about my amazing day.

I didn't have any homework to do 2nd period, which is unusual, so I just got to sit on the couch and read "Invisible Man," and then wander around the school wondering where Mollie is and why the random band kids from Mountain View were infiltrating our school. It was fun though. Choir wasn't as unbearable has it has been lately, we actually got something done and I'm rather pleased with our work. Lunch was fun, I carried a mirror with Anna that numerous people joked about breaking, and then I went home for some delicious peaches. When I got there, I heard Abish jiggling up to me, and when I saw her I just started laughing cause she had been given a bath, and her fur was sticking out everywhere. And she was looking at me so innocently. It was great. So after the delicious peaches, I had some cookies while walking back to school, and fourth period wasn't that bad either. We talked about Invisible Man and poetry the whole time, and I didn't even have to go to Calculus. I went to an assembly about men speaking out against domestic violence and the like, which was kind of depressing but also fun. I enjoyed it. After that I went to the middle school track meet, where the day got even better. I sat with Jeff at the top of a little hill watching Melissa totally kick butt (with her shin wrapped, she got first in all of her events) and hearing him tell funny stories about when he and his friends were in track. It was great fun. I rolled down the hill once after watching a little girl do it, and it was good until I got the only patch of gravel in the grass, which skinned my knee, but no biggy. It didn't dampen my mood. And then Jillian came up and offered the amazing invitation of going to Safeway and getting ice cream. How could I pass it up? So we went and got a half gallon of Bear Feet Brownie, which I must say was incredible, besides the fact that we ate it all. We felt a little sick after that, but whatever. The best part was when Isha came up to us and was like, "So is this like an extra-period-y day?" And Jill and I laughed cause that was exactly it. Jeff couldn't figure out how she could tell but girls just know this sort of thing. We hung around watching Melissa and Nur kick butt before we decided to...wow, I don't even remember what we went to do. Somehow we got to the center of the track field and got attacked by these three random children that I have never seen before in my life. They stole Jillian's Slinky, so we spent the better part of the next half hour fighting two little boys and caring for a third little boy. Ok, well, Jill took care of the little one while I got attacked and had to withstand the blows of two little blond boys who wanted the Slinky. Finally, we hid the Slinky and found the children's mother, who we introduced ourselves to, and then went over to the tennis courts and played on the chain link fence for a while. Then comes the best part. We went back to the car and chose to give Rachel a ride to the middle school while blasting Bohemian Rhapsody with the windows rolled down. After we dropped her off, we rode around till the song ended (because I accidentally switched it again while trying to turn up the volume) and so we just kept driving around, blaring music and waving to everyone. We would seek people out and wave till they waved back. We went to Safeway to wave at the people coming out and we saw the two buses with the middle school track kids so we drove in between the buses and waved on either side. It was tremendous. Then we saw Tamson so said hi to him and various others, until one kid flipped us off. Jerk. We were just trying to make people happy. So after that we were driving home and saw Raage's car in the school parking lot, found a window marker in Jill's van, and drew all over his windows before finally coming home. It was a glorious day. Seriously. And to end it all, I found this picture which makes me tremendously giddy. This is dedicated to Mollie. Love ya, Pants! Ah, the memories. Hope that your day has been as wonderful as mine, and if it hasn't, I hope that others will be! Love to all! Shalom

I finished a blog today that I started before, so it's actually below this one, dated March 27th. It's a good one. You should read it. Shalom

Splendor Sine Occasu

I had a most glorious time in Canada. I'm sure that you can't go to Canada and have a terrible time, but still, it was amazing. A lot of wonderful things happened, I grew closer to friends, and my respect for some people grew. It really was an incredible experience.

The driving time was definitely worth it. It didn't really feel all that long once we got there, and even the bus ride back wasn't too bad. But let me be more specific about the time I had there. (I'll include inside jokes and funny stories later, this is more informational and spiritual.)

Thursday:We left the school at a little after five. Nothing significant happened on the bus ride, but once we got to Victoria things picked up a little. We actually stayed in a rental house in Sooke (13 bedrooms, 22 bathrooms, 16000 sq. ft., 90 acres right on the bay, but no hot water). That was really fun. When we got there everyone started running around and looking at rooms and stuff, and exploring the many secret passageways we found. Then a small group of us sang under the dome in the Columbus room, which wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. It sounded cool, but picked up every flaw, which is useful, but it didn't sound that good. We discovered later that down in the basement where the sopranos held their sectional the sound was much better, so that was where we rehearsed that one day. After that we pretty much hung around and explored while some people went shopping for dinner. There was a lot of mischief and fun going on in different places. There were some disappointments, the house was so big that everyone sort of spread out and we didn't hang out as a group very much. And some people disappeared and we didn't get to really hang out with them at all, but oh well. No regrets.

Friday:We got to sleep in a bit, that was nice, and then we split up for sectionals. After about an hour of rehearsal, we met again and sang through some songs before heading out for a day in Victoria. This was by far the highlight of the trip. So much happened on this day, that it was kind of hard for me emotionally, and I had to go off by myself for a while afterwards. Anyway. We wandered around downtown for a while, shopping or finding somewhere to eat. Jacobson, Mollie, Jeff and I all went to a Greek restaurant that was very good, and then headed out to find gelato. After that, we all met at Parliament, where the tour was very boring, but what happened after makes up for all the ill in my life.

We all stood in a circle in the middle of Parliament, in a room with a high dome ceiling and a circular balcony in the middle looking down to the floor below. We started singing and words cannot describe what happened there. We started by singing Water Night, and when we cut off beautiful chords would spin around our heads and echo off the walls. It was hard to look at people, feeling what I felt. People would stop what they were doing to see, security guards would walk by and stop to listen. And then we sang Os Justi. At one point during the song I looked over at KC Harris, and he was crying. I watched as he had trouble singing so he would stop and just listen. I had a hard time keeping it together after that so I would close my eyes and feel the spirit of the music wash over me. And when we finished with the song, and sang the chant, I felt that nothing else in the world was as strong as the feeling of peace in the room. We were praising the Lord. The alleluias proceeding from our lips were praises of love and gratitude for our Heavenly Father. Nothing else. It was the Lord that was with us that day, and it was He to whom we were singing. I was trembling afterwards. And for the rest of the day I couldn't think about much else than my love for the Savior. I would sit and stare out the window on the bus and talk to no one. Then, when my heart was so full that I could feel it in my throat, I was told that the Latin phrase cloaking the British Columbia coat of arms meant this: Beauty Without End. Tears came to my eyes, for what else is more significant and appropriate? Beauty Without End. The music of our voices will be echoing in that building forever.

When we got home, I slipped away and walked along the bay until I found a small rock that was raised from the rocky beach. I climbed up onto it and sat there for a very long time, thinking about my life and watching a gorgeous sunset. When the sun had finally slipped away, I climbed the hill and explored the woods for a time, before I headed back to the beach. But on my way I found a tree, whose trunk curved up and then a single branch curved off to the left sideways and then grew up, so that there was a perfect perch for me to sit on. This I did, and watched as the sky grew steadily darker and the lights came on across the bay. And as I was sitting on that tree, I noticed something on the branch just by my seat. A hand, outlined in reddish powder (not unlike the painting that Rafiki does of Simba in the Lion King) was there. A hand, that when I placed mine upon it, fit mine perfectly. It was almost as if it were signifying that I was in the right place, that the tree was meant for me. It was amazing.

I then headed back to the house and walked about and talked with Jeffrey, ate dinner, and read for while. We watched half of Rent before Jacobson sent us to bed. However, we did not go to sleep. The girls in our room (Darcy, Kristy, Meghan, Jillian, Mollie, Paige and I) all sat up in our bed (with the exception of Kristy who was sleeping) and talked. It was great fun. We got yelled at twice but ignored it. We finally went to bed at about 3:30.

Saturday:Almost as good as Friday. We went to Craigdarroch Castle in Victoria which was really cool and almost creepy. It kind of reminded me of the sorcerer's house in the BBC version of Chronicles of Narnia, with all the woodwork. We sang again in that house, in the ballroom, but nothing can rival our experience in Parliament. After that, we went back downtown to do more shopping and get lunch, where KC, Jeff, Isha and I ate at the Old Spaghetti Factory, which was very good. Then we headed to the Butchart Gardens. That were nice, but I found them rather boring. I really don't like well-manicured gardens, the ones where everything is perfect. I like it better almost overgrown, a little disheveled, almost haphazard. I really liked the Japanese Garden, because it was like that, but there was an overwhelming sense of peace about the whole place, an assurance of calm. I must say, however, that walking over the hill and looking down into the Sunken Garden was incredible. It kind of surprised me, but a wonderful surprise. We walked around the garden for some time, and it was barely drizzling, so it was quite enjoyable. After that, we pretty tired, so Paige, Mollie, and I tried to take a nap, which didn't work very well. Finally, Steven came and got us for dinner, but the second batch wasn't ready, so we went to his room and lay down on his bed and listened to Ben and him play guitar for a while. Then when we got dinner, Mollie and I decided to be anti-social (and I wanted to talk to her) so we went downstairs to eat and talk, until people followed us and bugged us, so we went and found a room that we could lock ourselves into and talk. It was actually really nice, we sorted some things out and got a lot closer. With everything being said, we went back to the room and jumped on the bed, and then started running around the house. We went to the Columbus room where I tried to slide across the floor on my pillow (with disastrous results) and then started a game of hide and seek pillow fight, where you hide and then once the person finds you, you start pillow fighting. It was a lot of fun, but really exhausting. We didn't have a curfew this night, and I didn't want to join the rave they were having downstairs (it was rather frightening, I went in for a couple seconds, then left) and so went and sat with Steven and Mollie and Jeff and we talked for a while, and then Paige joined us and started coloring. We had fun, because everyone started gathering in that little room. We ate fudgesicles and listened to KC's story of how he asked Ellyn to prom and I got asked to prom by Batman. Overall, it was a fun time, with everyone finally coming together for a while. Then we got sent to bed at about four, and we left at nine the next day. We traveled all day and got home around 11:45 and all crashed.

Overall, it was an amazing trip, with many good experiences and wonderful people. I couldn't have asked for anything better. And though some bad things happened, that's what happens. It makes you appreciate the good more when you can compare it to the bad. I won't forget this trip, any time soon, and I am so thankful that I was able to go on it, to learn more about myself and others, and to feel the Spirit that strongly in music and sunsets and tears. Just look around and you will truly see what is there for us. Beauty Without End.


"Sure, it's money runs the world, but it is music that holds down the friction." ~The Anthem Sprinters

"When you die, do you think you'll smell better because you're a vegetarian, as opposed to being a carnivore?" "You mean if they set me on fire?"

I don't know, I just don't want to do my Calculus, so I think I'll write a little story. And I'll call it "The Pants of Mollie."

"Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl named Mollie Pants. Everyone just thought that she was an abnormally pretty girl in high school, but really she was a Princess from the faraway land of Tweed. She had a little brother named Toto Baggypants and a fish named Norman. She had come to high school to see if she could find someone to take back with her and forever play hide-and-seek pillow fight. But everyone loved her so much and she had so many friends that she couldn't choose who to take. So she decided to go to the wise man at the top of There's-a-Wise-Man-At-The-Top-of-This-Hill Mountain and ask for his advice. She began her journey on what looked like a beautiful day but really it was cold and windy. While she was walking toward the mountain she met her friend Jeffrey Jacket, who generously offered the use of his coat, which she gladly accepted. After having lunch at Pizza Hut together, Princess Pants went on her way. As she emerged from downtown, she met Jamie Jeans and little Ethan (the very ugly baby or very cute monkey), with whom she had a dance party before realizing that it was getting late. She said goodbye and went on her way. Pretty soon though, she discovered that it was too late to reach the mountain that day, so she dropped in on her friend Beckah Bucket, who gladly accepted her into her home. They invited their friend Jillian the Fillian, who came over for the slumber party. After eating many Swedish Fish and laughing at Sam on helium, they decided to watch The Emperor's New Groove. Little did they realize, however, that the Swedish Fish that Princess Pants and the Fillian ate were drugged with a sleeping potion by the fiendish Yosef, in a mad attempt to reveal the identity of Cletus and Cap'n Shadysheets aka Horkley. While they were sleeping, Beckah Bucket fought the evil cur and fatally wounded him with a plastic sword. All was well. The next day, Princess Pants bid farewell to her dear friends and continued her journey. Closer to the mountain now, she began to take courage, when her close friend Steven The Resonator waylaid her on her quest. He snatched her away and took her in a little plane (lovingly called 'The Star Prince Charlie') and flew her to the top of Mount There's-a-Wise-Man-At-The-Top-of-This-Hill. Once there, Princess Pants and the Resonator searched beneath the bushes together until they found a small brown rabbit with a black nose, who introduced himself to them as Reepacheep the Wise Man. He didn't say why he was a rabbit. The Princess Pants asked him who she should take with her to forever play hide-and-seek pillow fight in the land of Tweed. Reepacheep told her that whoever made her the happiest was the one who she should be with. Princess Pants thought about it, and realized that everyone that she had met along her journey had made her happy, and that there was no one person she could choose, because if she only took one, then she would sometimes miss the others and she didn't want them to be left out. So she gave Reepacheep a carrot, built a 747 out of cranberries and asphalt, and flew all of her friends to her house in the land of Tweed, for an all-night party with lots of cookies and Canadians. No Swedish Fish. Then she flew all of her friends home, promised to see them the next day, and played a game of hide-and-seek pillow fight with Toto and Norman. THE END

There. That was ridiculously satisfying. And I can't wait for Mollie to read it. I hope she laughs a lot. Anyway, prom was fun. Not amazingly exciting, but fun. I just wasn't really in the mood to go to a dance, I guess. And I've been a little out of sorts lately, though I don't really know why. I miss some of my old friends, I suppose. I never really adjusted to the life here, and I miss them all. I suppose that's also why I didn't enjoy the dance as much. I just wanted all my old friends to be there. And Jeff. Anyway, my story was my biggest contribution today, I had better go work on my Calculus, so I bid you all a fond farewell, and love to all! Shalom

Save an Iraqi. Eat a sniper.

I absolutely love this painting, The Broken Pitcher. I saw it at the Legion of Honor in San Francisco, and fell in love with it. I'm pretty sure I stood there staring at it for at least ten minutes. It's much better up close and big, where you can see her eyes. It looks like she's staring right at you, so much sadness and guilt in her eyes. Oh, it's beautiful.

And I'm sorry if my title is a bit inappropriate, Dad said it last night, and I must say I liked it, even though it is a rather large slander. I found it funny. And it's true. I wish we had never gotten ourselves into this war in the first place. We were stupid to do so. And now we're all getting sucked into it, whether we like it or not. Oh, what a tangled web we weave. That's why I like those little reminders, in songs, or movies, or books, about where we're headed, and what we can do to stop it, or at least how to promote awareness. Ignorance is one of the biggest hindrances to action. People don't do anything simply because they don't know. And we could point fingers all night as to who's fault that is, but I'd rather not get into a large debate. I have my opinion, and others may come talk to me if they wish to throw ideas around. I try to avoid political debates, mostly because there's a lot I don't know. I try to avoid learning about the mistakes of our government, so I don't watch the news or keep up with current events. It's pretty much all the same now, anyway.

But enough of that. Today was fast Sunday. I like fast Sunday. Even though it means my stomach deciding to speak up at the most inconvenient times, it certainly is a good reminder. I don't think about the Lord as much as I ought to during the day, so it's nice to have a day set aside so that I can get into the habit. And I'm a coward and didn't get up and bear my testimony like I said I was going to. I just missed the opportunities and was stupid and never got up when I got the chance. I just don't like crying in front of everyone, it embarrasses me, and it's an inevitability that I'll cry. But yeah, I'm an idiot. Maybe next time. I'll have to have someone pinch me or something so that I'll be sure to get up. But other than that, it was a really nice Sunday. All my meetings were fun (Young Women's consisted of me, Melissa, Annalicia, Karen and Brooklyn) and we had waffles for dinner yay! Then we went singing, which wasn't very exciting until we decided to go to Safeway and sing in the entryway, which has really good acoustics. We sang a bunch of choir songs for about an hour, it was really cool. And I love the weird looks we get from people. Though that one guy that asked us if we all had a personal relationship with Jesus was a little creepy. And I froze my butt off sitting inside the little ice container thing. I really wanted someone to walk by though and see me, that would have been fun. I like creeping people out. But not seriously. Just for fun.

You know, I was just listening to a commercial about the Ten Commandments (I guess they made a remake), and I wonder why no one has ever made an accurate movie. I guess because it wouldn't sell, but I'm interested in seeing a movie where Moses really does have trouble speaking, where it shows that he's a man, and therefore has the obstacles that come with being a mortal. Does that make sense? I think it would be cool.

So life is going pretty good right now. I've got another fest planned, General Conference is coming up, house-sitting is fun (though that stubborn cat is sometimes a pain), and if the weather gets better I'm going to have a picnic in the park or something. It's so nice just to relax. I've been going and going for so long, not being able to get rest, that it's so nice just to slow down. Though I don't sleep well at nights. That's when the coughing comes back and it keeps me up. So then I end up sleeping late and wasting half the day. Bummer. We'll see though. Hopefully I'll get better before school starts again, because I hate being sick at school. It is no fun. I can't wait to get back to work in choir though. We've got some serious work cut out for us, and I hope that the people who don't care now will come to care, because this means a lot to a lot of us. A lot to a lot of us. Ha. What fun. Anyway, I think I'll split. Like a log. Shalom!

One smile away from death

I don't want to seem negative or degrading to anyone or what anyone else believes or has said, but by nature I'm a rather cynical and sarcastic person, and so if you think that you'll get offended, please don't continue reading this post. I need to get some things off of my chest, and this is the easiest way to do so. This is just going to be the random thoughts that have been floating around lately.

I wish people could understand that nothing is permanent. People always talk about how they never would have made it if it weren't for their friends and how they're so much a help in their lives, blah blah blah. I mean, that's very true. I'm very grateful for the people in my life, and they've taught me a lot, but I'm going to leave them. Or they're going to leave. In my life experience, you can't rely on the people to always be there for you. I just can't stand it when people talk about how their friends saved their life and how they couldn't live without them. The one time that I struggled with that the most was because of friends. I felt like no one really cared and that I didn't have any friends who could help me. I had a best friend, sure. But it was true. There was no one. So I turned to the one person who is always there, who will always be there, who will never let you down. Christ lifted me that day, when I came so close to giving up and throwing it all away. And that's where I discovered permanence. In the love of Jesus Christ. His arms are always open, and He is always willing to wrap His arms around us to comfort us in our darkest hours. I know that without the knowledge of His love, I would not have made it, so long ago when I left all that I knew. And I know how terrible it would be if I lost those people that I love the most, but with what I have, I think I could make it. I know that the Lord sometimes sends us people to help with our trials, and sometimes He doesn't. Sometimes (like when I moved here, and had only my family), we are alone. That's it. We don't have anyone, except our family, who sometimes aren't the best help. And yet, they truly are the only ones who know what we're going through. And soon they won't be there either. I'm going off to college, and I will be alone. I will not know anyone (except for a select few, who I probably won't see) and I won't have anyone to turn to. What do I do then if I have learned to rely so much on others? I would probably go crazy. That's why we have to learn to be independent. We don't have to completely separate ourselves from others, that's not what I'm saying. The people in our lives can be a huge help, but you can't completely rely on them to provide for your happiness. It's hard enough going through your own life without trying to completely support others as well. That's why I get so annoyed with the people who bear their testimony of their friends. I'm not perfect, of course. I'm very far off. But if your testimony and view of life isn't centered and focused on Christ, you're going to have major problems, even more so than the ones you signed up for before this life. Christ can help you through anything. He knows the true meaning of being alone. He didn't even have His family during His most terrible sufferings. He had nothing. He knows the true meaning of sorrow and pain. As in Alma, the first two things that Christ suffered for were not our sins, but our pains and our afflictions. He knows. And I know that He knows. I have laid in bed and cried and cried and talked to the Savior, thanking Him for His grace, and for suffering so that He could comfort me. He knows. I have imagined feeling the prints in His hands and feet, and looking into those eyes that have seen so much pain, so much sorrow. I have literally felt His arms around me in the cold isolation of night, when you're sitting in bed with your arms clasped around your knees, rocking back and forth. I know of the tears of pain that turn to tears of joy when you realize how much your Heavenly Father loves you. It's taken me quite a while to get to the point where I can think of my Father in Heaven as much as I do. I'm still trying, I still have trouble with it. But it's so much better than it was before. And to know that you are a child of God puts so much into perspective. Sometimes I just lay in bed and talk, talk to Him. He understands, and even though He knows it all anyway, I think that He appreciates me telling him nonetheless.

I guess the tone rather changed in this. There is hope. The Lord will always be there for you and me, and though your entire world crumbles around you, there is always the Savior to reach out and place His hand on your shoulder, to brush the tears off your face, to fill you with such love and peace that every inch of your body is filled with joy, till you could spread wings and fly. Lift your head, and see what Father and Brother is waiting for you, waiting for you to simply look up.


Please. Look up.