"A brass unicorn has been catapulted across a London street and impaled an eminent surgeon!" ~The Abominable Dr. Phibes

I looked up "bored" in the Google Image search and found this picture. How bizarre. But it makes me laugh. This is what I do when I'm bored. Dress up like an old man that's dressed up as a pirate. What else is there to do when you're bored? Eat Popsicles, I guess. But if you don't have any Popsicles, as I do not, you are forced to sit in the library and blog because there's freaking nothing else to do. Especially if you left your book at home. And did all your homework. And I'm not hungry. I brought a dollar today to pay Katelyn back, but since she's not here, I was going to use it to buy cookies with Mollie. I guess I could buy cookies for myself...But cookies are the sort of thing you share with people. Like rainbows and good books. Oh well.

I don't want to go home either, because there's nothing for me there but a twenty minute walk to and from school. And that's not something I want to do right now. I just want to go home and stay there. Sleep and sleep until I'm no longer sick and tired. It's just ridiculous how long I've been sick and I want it to be done. I want to be healthy again. I want to have fun at rehearsal instead of just sitting around being exhausted and annoyed. I want to be able to concentrate at school and learn instead of just sitting there in a stupor. I want to be able to sing! I miss it so much. Ok, I want to be able to sing well. I sang today but it sounded horrendous, and I don't like sounding horrendous.

Anna just pointed out to me that there are now 26 flyers for military recruitment in the library. 26. All in one place. And there are four of the exact same advertisements for summer jobs for the military in the school paper. Four! And we want to know why there are no alternate job listings or alternate career flyers available in plain sight. I guess we have a topic for SFT tomorrow. Ugh. I hate getting military junk. I've already expressed to them that I'm not interested in the army. I don't want to support an idea I don't believe in. But why can't they provide alternate careers and jobs? Because they want you to believe that the military is the only option. The only honorable career. Well, they can suck my big toe. Fighting is not the answer. Bring our troops home. Stop the killing for a cause that was either won or lost long ago. Who even knows what we're fighting for anymore? Grrr. This sort of thing gets me all worked up. And I just read a little article in our school paper about military recruitment, and how you can get your education payed for by joining the military. Too bad they fail to mention the fact that while on active duty, you might die.

Boredom sucks. I'm dying from ennui. I wish I could just run away from school, take a little while to get better, and then go live with Liz for a while. I wouldn't have to worry about school or homework or the musical or friends or anything else that might cause me stress. I just want to be able to be happy, and that ability is slipping away from me. Little things make me happy, like chocolate, and certain songs, and reading books, and word searches, and curly hair, but I'm just so tired, I don't even pay attention to those things anymore. Ho hum.

Well, in closing, I would like to share a traditional Abaratian song with you, one that's been stuck in my head for a while now, and it gives me some amount of joy in this dark existence of mine.

(to be sung to the familiar tune of "O Christmas Tree")
O woe is me!
O woe is me!
I used to have a hamster tree!
But it was eaten by a newt
And now I have no cuddly fruit!
O woe is me!
O woe is me!
I used to have a hamster tree!

"I wish more art was made with explosives." ~Buster Baxter from "Postcards from Buster"

I had forgotten that I had never posted these pictures. These are from Single Awareness Day, if you hadn't guessed, and Jill and I dressed up for the occasion. We're pretty hot, aren't we? And we're mourning the loss of our nation, so we had to have tear drops signifying our pain. We did not kill anyone. All I can say is I will never go totally goth, cause it takes way too long to get ready.

I really don't want to go to rehearsal tonight. My voice is starting to come back but it still sounds kind of funny. It just sounds like one big voice crack. However, there is something good about it, because the single most amazing thing happened to me today. Well, maybe not, but it's pretty up there. I will put it in blod type just to emphasize the wonder of the event. I sang bass in choir today. In the octave. Seriously. I was going to sing tenor, but I couldn't sing that high, so I decided to sing baritone. But I switched back and forth because some of the baritone notes were too high. How amazing is that. That's a fabulous reality right there. It was incredible. Seriously. I am so proud of myself that I get to say that now, that I have sung bass. Wow. I must chronicle this event because I know that it will never happen again, because I never hope to be sick like this again. But yeah. It was wicked sweet. Udo magnolia and snickers.

The other thing about being sick is it does wonders for your figure. I've lost a bit of weight from not really eating for the past two weeks, and my abs are really tight because the coughing has really been a good workout. Not that I really care, but it was kind of a nice discovery.

Hmmm, what else to talk about? I'm reading Abarat right now, which is a really good book and I recommend it to everyone. I don't have any Calculus because I finished the assignment in class today, which was also cool because it was easy and I actually understood what I was doing. And it was actually Calculus. That's remarkable. I'm going to try and sleep all day tomorrow (besides doing chores and going to the basketball game) so that I can get better. I'm also going to ask Dad for a blessing because I really need to get well and stay well, because the show's coming up, and then there's choir districts, and I really need to rehearse the songs cause I haven't been singing lately. My own part. Ha. Anyway, there really isn't anything else to report, so I think that I'm going to go take a bubble bath with Incredibles bubbles before rehearsal and relax for a little while. Love to all!

Oh yes, and good luck to everyone who is participating in Solo and Ensemble tomorrow. I hope that you all do well! While I'm sleeping! Ha ha! Sorry. Had to throw that in there. I love you all. Shalom!

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." ~Groucho Marx

Ah, I haven't seen a Marx Brothers movie in so long. I miss them. They have become family to me. I grew up with them, and they will always be a part of Liz and I. Such fun.

I feel like crap. That pretty much sums it up. I'm not going to go into detail to avoid grossing anybody out, but it is not fun, and I can't taste anything. I'm also kind of worried, because I'm not really hungry (which usually happens when you're sick) but I should probably eat something anyway. Oh well. I'm sitting here in the library blogging because I don't have a lunch and Mollie's not here and so I have nothing to do. Donnelly said that I can drop AP Lit but I need half of an English credit, so I might switch into 2nd period American Lit with Katelyn, so that I can have fourth free. Max is trying to convince me to stay because I'm almost half way through, but I've thought about this a lot, and I'm pretty sure that I don't want to stay in a class that is taking up so much time and energy and I'm not learning a thing. Sure, I can get college credit for it, but I didn't get credit for AP Comp and I learned so much more in that class. We'll see. I told Donnelly that I'd think about it and get back to her tomorrow so I have the evening to think about it. Though my plans were to go home and sleep until rehearsal. Oh well. I'll have rehearsal. But I have a shotgun in AP Lit today (though what it's on beats me, considering we're supposed to be working on individual projects and we haven't learned anything recently, not to mention I haven't been here for the past two days) and I have a test in Calculus, which I'm not taking because I haven't been here. Life is crazy. And with the musical and being sick, I don't know if I can handle it all. So I'll think about it.

I listened to the Edward Scissorhands soundtrack last night, and man oh man, is it amazing. It just gives me goosebumps to listen to it. That movie is so emotional for me. But it's a good emotional. It's not all depressing and dumb, it's very enlightening. I think a lot after that movie, and that's what good movies should do. Make you think. Unless you're sick and just want to shut your brain off for a while, then you watch a cartoon or something. But most of the time I don't like to waste my time with those sort of movies. I like movies that make you think. Or laugh. Or both. Those are the best kinds.

I'm sorry that this is so sporadic. I tried to give a little thought in early morning seminary today and I guarantee that I didn't get my point across. It made sense to me, but then again, I'm on drugs to make me feel better, so I don't know what it sounded like to the others. Probably completely pointless. Oh well. You do what you can. I really want to feel better too. I'm tired of being sick. I'm doing all I can to get better but I just want to know that I don't have to care and feel wonderful and not lose sleep because it feels like I swallowed a stick that is now lodged in my throat the wrong way. But what would I do fourth period? Go home, for sure, cause I'd have an extra long lunch, and probably do my Calculus. My mouth tastes like Throat Coat and cough drops. Kind of a weird combination. See? This all makes sense and is connected in my mind, but you're probably all thinking that I'm absolutely crazy and probably should be taken away by the men in the white coats. With beady red eyes. In the form of mice. But that's Hitch-hiker's, and that's a different story. A very interesting and well-written story, I might add. Wow, I think I'll stop now.

I wish you all a fond farewell, I'm going to go sit on the couch and read a book, or go sit on the couch and look like I'm reading a book but actually I'll just be staring at the words on the page with my mouth hanging open looking like an idiot, so love to all! Shalom

"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers, and me."

Being sick gives you lots of time to think and dream. I'm not even going to begin to describe the weirdness of my dreams lately (probably because they were drug-induced), but I mean, today I was on a plane or sitting in an airport since 6:30 so I had lots of time to think about my life and where I am. There have been ups and downs, sure, but there has been a lot that has worked out. But can you really appreciate what you have when you see others suffering? I mean, you can look at them and say "wow, I'm really glad that I'm not going through that," but it's hard to do when you can see how much pain they're going through. I don't want that pain, and luckily I don't have it, but you wish you could do something to help others. You wish you could reach out and help someone through their troubles, but there are some things that you can't help with, and you just have to stand helplessly by, whether because of something you did or because there is no outside help that will suffice.

But then there are the little things that happen every day that help when you're down, like listening to Water Night or reading your scriptures, even if only for a few minutes. I haven't read my scriptures in so long, because I've been doing other things or being sick (not that it justifies it), but when I started reading again there where an evident difference in my life. I slept better at night, going to seminary adds a measure of brightness to the day, I have scriptures going through my head instead of stupid things I might have heard. There's comfort there. At my Oma and Opa's 50th wedding anniversary (which was tremendously fun) they talked about Roxanne, and how she's always been a part of the family even though Eric is passed away. We threw a rose out into the bay for him, and even though I don't really remember him, there was that spirit there. I almost started crying several times, but was it because of the missed opportunities on my part, how I never got to know him? I don't even know. I just know that it was touching, and that I'm so grateful to have the family that I have, even though none of that side of the family share the same beliefs as I do. We're still a family, even if some have passed on. Or was I crying because it's not eternal as it should be? I don't know. It's hard to discern emotions sometimes in the moment.

I'm feeling terrible, so I think I'll go to bed, but I guess the point of this is that there's joy in the little things in life. Being sick has really brought me down and made my emotions go crazy and made everything dreary, but there's little moments of happiness that creep up on you and before you know it, you're enjoying yourself. I don't know about the trials in other people's lives, but I wish you all the best, and pray that the Lord will be with you always. I love you all, you're all wonderful people, so I bid you a good night.

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."~Albert Einstein

Shalom

"I don't love her! She kicked me in the face! I hate her!" ~Madmartigan from Willow

I was just thinking about Willow and what a great movie it is. I mean, like this chick, Sorsha? Holy crap. She is the baddest movie-girl ever. Like, Xena Warrior Princess looks like a Barbie compared to this girl. She just goes around kicking people in the face and killing people with her freaky serrated sword. Anyway, that was my girl power moment of the day...

I'm stuck between having Battle of Jericho and Silver and Cold stuck in my head. A very bizarre combination. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it. Probably nothing.

I'm leaving again today, and I finally got caught up in all of my classes. But I'm so stressed with everything that's going on, I just have to relax this weekend, and have fun in the nice warm sun, and not worry about it. I'll get caught up again on Tuesday, and luckily I won't be missing rehearsal, unlike today, which will be the second dance rehearsal in a row I've missed. Ha, dance captain. But we had a dance rehearsal on Wednesday as well, so I actually don't know what tonight's is going to be. Oh well. I'm too lazy to find out, and I don't care enough to...care. I'm really tired and everything is kind of weird right now, but I had a muffin and I can't say orgy. Life is moving too fast and I wish I could just run away from it all. I wish some moments wouldn't end and I didn't have to be home at a certain time and I want to go horseback riding. I want lots of chocolate and to sleep in late and then read a book sitting by the window all wrapped up in a quilt while it's raining. Wow. I don't know where all of that came from. But my head hurts so I'll think I'll leave you all now.

Life is good, I'm doing ok, getting better (yay!). Love to all! And this is most definitely the coolest character in Labyrinth. Sir Didymus. "Was that my stomach or yours, Ambrosius?" Ha!

Heartbreak, incarnate, I'm nothing if not your memories
Heartbreak, please let me be your joy and your pain
Someday I will be...
I'll be those common words spoken uniquely
Because I may, will forever be floating as you feel.
Where all remaining failed.

Please let me haunt as scent on your pillow
Letters of past are tear stained and wrinkled
Please let me haunt as scent on your pillow
Letters of past are tear stained and wrinkled

(Just say) Say you will for me (for me)
Invite me to your memory
(Just sing) Sing again for me (for me)
That long forgotten song

"Synesthesia"~AFI

My life is a roller coaster. I wouldn't mind so much if I didn't get queasy. I don't mind change or anything like that, and I don't really mind the bad times. But sometimes it just happens too fast. Life was wonderful, things were moving along nicely, not too fast, not too slow. I was beginning to find myself again. Now I'm hurtling down a slope with no way to brake. Is it anybody's fault? Probably not. Maybe I just don't want to accept the mistakes I've made and it's causing me to slip. But I thought I was doing ok. I thought we had worked everything out. But once again, I can't be happy. There's too much at stake. Too many others depending on me. Too many people pulling from different sides. Where do I go? I lose myself in music, in the words of others, in the haunting melodies. But is it enough? Can I bring myself to step back from open arms when that's all I really want? Can I allow myself to give up something that I've come to look forward to? Whose happiness is really important here? Must I totally forget myself and give my all to others? Will that really make me happy? They say happiness comes from losing yourself in the service of others. But you mustn't kill yourself, even if it's only your heart that's breaking. I can't go on like this. I find strength in the Lord, and in music, and in the friendships that have formed recently, but now I'm losing it. It's all becoming grey. To keep from hurting others, I have to step back. I have to leave it all to them.

What do I do? My heart is being torn apart. There's so much to care for, but so much responsibility. I don't shy away from responsibility, but I can't choose. But I'm being forced to. So what do I choose?

what once did exist, now is meaningless
and doesn't it seem funny, how soon you did forget
all the words have now lost their weight
but i remember, i remember

desperation, devastation
all i truly know
is isolation
self damnation
all life that i'd own
was shed and worthless now

what i knew was wrong
one who lived is gone
guess it was just an echo
when you would sing my song
all the notes you'd forgotten now
you left abandoned, i remember

desperation, devastation
all i truly know
is isolation
self damnation
all life that i'd own
was shed and worthless now

i can
hate myself
more...
more than anyone

will you join me?

i know that you know that this tortures me!
have i created the suffering?
show me!

or do you happily cut, further in?
to sever what's left inside, that binds me

now all i feel is

desperation, devastation
all i truly know
is isolation
self damnation
all life that i'd own
was shed and worthless now

desperation, devastation
all i truly know
is isolation
self damnation
all life that i'd own
was shed and worthless, worthless now

"Rabbits Are Roadkill on Route 37"~AFI

"Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life." ~Bertolt Brecht

I had such an awesome time with the Tibetan monks yesterday. The performance Wednesday night was amazing, with the chants and the dances and the instruments, it was so incredible. Then yesterday I had lunch with them (they came to our school) and stayed for fourth period making butter sculptures, which was very fun and I was very proud of mine. But talking with them was so cool. And it is interesting, because there is so much that they know that I know to be truth. There are discrepancies in our beliefs, but there is so much the same. Basic principles, of being kind and not having worldy attachments and giving all you have. So much that is so true about life. And I was talking to this one guy, and he was talking about how much of our lives are spent doing completely pointless things, how much of our life is spent just trying to satisfy our "needs," and how much time we waste. Before you know it, half of your life is gone and you don't have much to show for it. It really made me think about what I'm doing in my life, and if it's all really worthwhile. And their devotion fascinates me. To spend all day studying, for most of your life. You must have such a desire to learn and grow. Which I do. A lot of the times I just want to run away from school and home and life and just go around learning about the gospel and sharing it with others and learning about life through experience and not from a textbook. The monk I was talking to the whole time, we asked him what he wanted to do when he was finished with his studies, and he said that he wanted to be a vagabond. He just wants to wander around, not worry about having a job or food or clothing, but just follow the paths that are set before him. I think that that is so cool. It really makes you think about what you're doing with your life and how selfish it tends to be. We always think about me or I, when really we're not isolated in this world. There are so many other people that need our help, and those that have more have an obligation to help those that don't have. It's a simple rule that a lot of people missed in the course of life. Instant gratification. That's all we care about. And I'm not saying I'm not guilty of this as well, I know I am. But sometimes someone comes along and shows you how much happier and more content you could be with your life if you devoted yourself to helping others. It's really nice when things like that happen. A real eye-opener.

I am kind of mad at myself too, having that amazing experience and then just going back to my normal life like nothing happened. But I have a few reminders now, and I think about what I'm doing more often. I put my butter sculpture on my shelf where I can see it, and I bought a set of prayer beads that are hanging on my wall to remind me what I should be praying about. So it changed me a little, at least. I hope permanently.

On a different note, we had so much fun last night. Darcy, Jeff and Sam came over to watch Corpse Bride, even though we only ended up watching about an hour of the movie. We watched a half hour or so, and then decided to make brownies, so we ended up standing around the kitchen talking for a long time. Almost an hour, I'd say. Talking about dreams and licking batter off spoons....ah, good memories. We even have pictures, so I'll post one once Darcy develops the film. Then when we found out that everyone had to leave by 10:30, we watched twenty more minutes of the movie, ate brownies and then everyone left. Not exactly what we came to do, but a heck of a lot of fun nonetheless. I would love to do it again. And what was said and done in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.

Dance rehearsal tonight, whoo hoo! I'm so not excited. Well, dance rehearsals are better than regular rehearsals, cause I'm actually doing stuff the whole time, instead of sitting around doing nothing. We actually work on stuff. I just get frustrated that we can't go faster, but I can live with that. I'm just going to have to take a nap before, because the only thing that got me through rehearsal on Wednesday was my nap in the library. That was nice. But I can't do that again for fear of getting in trouble. Oh well. Sleep is good.

I hope that everyone is doing hunky-dorey, I miss Liz but I'm going to see her very soon, yay! I hope that she is doing wonderfully, I hope that Jeff has fun in Ashland for the short time he'll be there (seeing his friend too), I hope that Mollie has a better day, I hope that everyone has a splendiforous and amazingly glorious day, and that life is going good for them. I may not show it all the time (in the correct manner), but I love you all and wish you all the very best in life. Shalom!