Heartbreak, incarnate, I'm nothing if not your memories
Heartbreak, please let me be your joy and your pain
Someday I will be...
I'll be those common words spoken uniquely
Because I may, will forever be floating as you feel.
Where all remaining failed.

Please let me haunt as scent on your pillow
Letters of past are tear stained and wrinkled
Please let me haunt as scent on your pillow
Letters of past are tear stained and wrinkled

(Just say) Say you will for me (for me)
Invite me to your memory
(Just sing) Sing again for me (for me)
That long forgotten song

"Synesthesia"~AFI

My life is a roller coaster. I wouldn't mind so much if I didn't get queasy. I don't mind change or anything like that, and I don't really mind the bad times. But sometimes it just happens too fast. Life was wonderful, things were moving along nicely, not too fast, not too slow. I was beginning to find myself again. Now I'm hurtling down a slope with no way to brake. Is it anybody's fault? Probably not. Maybe I just don't want to accept the mistakes I've made and it's causing me to slip. But I thought I was doing ok. I thought we had worked everything out. But once again, I can't be happy. There's too much at stake. Too many others depending on me. Too many people pulling from different sides. Where do I go? I lose myself in music, in the words of others, in the haunting melodies. But is it enough? Can I bring myself to step back from open arms when that's all I really want? Can I allow myself to give up something that I've come to look forward to? Whose happiness is really important here? Must I totally forget myself and give my all to others? Will that really make me happy? They say happiness comes from losing yourself in the service of others. But you mustn't kill yourself, even if it's only your heart that's breaking. I can't go on like this. I find strength in the Lord, and in music, and in the friendships that have formed recently, but now I'm losing it. It's all becoming grey. To keep from hurting others, I have to step back. I have to leave it all to them.

What do I do? My heart is being torn apart. There's so much to care for, but so much responsibility. I don't shy away from responsibility, but I can't choose. But I'm being forced to. So what do I choose?

what once did exist, now is meaningless
and doesn't it seem funny, how soon you did forget
all the words have now lost their weight
but i remember, i remember

desperation, devastation
all i truly know
is isolation
self damnation
all life that i'd own
was shed and worthless now

what i knew was wrong
one who lived is gone
guess it was just an echo
when you would sing my song
all the notes you'd forgotten now
you left abandoned, i remember

desperation, devastation
all i truly know
is isolation
self damnation
all life that i'd own
was shed and worthless now

i can
hate myself
more...
more than anyone

will you join me?

i know that you know that this tortures me!
have i created the suffering?
show me!

or do you happily cut, further in?
to sever what's left inside, that binds me

now all i feel is

desperation, devastation
all i truly know
is isolation
self damnation
all life that i'd own
was shed and worthless now

desperation, devastation
all i truly know
is isolation
self damnation
all life that i'd own
was shed and worthless, worthless now

"Rabbits Are Roadkill on Route 37"~AFI

"Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life." ~Bertolt Brecht

I had such an awesome time with the Tibetan monks yesterday. The performance Wednesday night was amazing, with the chants and the dances and the instruments, it was so incredible. Then yesterday I had lunch with them (they came to our school) and stayed for fourth period making butter sculptures, which was very fun and I was very proud of mine. But talking with them was so cool. And it is interesting, because there is so much that they know that I know to be truth. There are discrepancies in our beliefs, but there is so much the same. Basic principles, of being kind and not having worldy attachments and giving all you have. So much that is so true about life. And I was talking to this one guy, and he was talking about how much of our lives are spent doing completely pointless things, how much of our life is spent just trying to satisfy our "needs," and how much time we waste. Before you know it, half of your life is gone and you don't have much to show for it. It really made me think about what I'm doing in my life, and if it's all really worthwhile. And their devotion fascinates me. To spend all day studying, for most of your life. You must have such a desire to learn and grow. Which I do. A lot of the times I just want to run away from school and home and life and just go around learning about the gospel and sharing it with others and learning about life through experience and not from a textbook. The monk I was talking to the whole time, we asked him what he wanted to do when he was finished with his studies, and he said that he wanted to be a vagabond. He just wants to wander around, not worry about having a job or food or clothing, but just follow the paths that are set before him. I think that that is so cool. It really makes you think about what you're doing with your life and how selfish it tends to be. We always think about me or I, when really we're not isolated in this world. There are so many other people that need our help, and those that have more have an obligation to help those that don't have. It's a simple rule that a lot of people missed in the course of life. Instant gratification. That's all we care about. And I'm not saying I'm not guilty of this as well, I know I am. But sometimes someone comes along and shows you how much happier and more content you could be with your life if you devoted yourself to helping others. It's really nice when things like that happen. A real eye-opener.

I am kind of mad at myself too, having that amazing experience and then just going back to my normal life like nothing happened. But I have a few reminders now, and I think about what I'm doing more often. I put my butter sculpture on my shelf where I can see it, and I bought a set of prayer beads that are hanging on my wall to remind me what I should be praying about. So it changed me a little, at least. I hope permanently.

On a different note, we had so much fun last night. Darcy, Jeff and Sam came over to watch Corpse Bride, even though we only ended up watching about an hour of the movie. We watched a half hour or so, and then decided to make brownies, so we ended up standing around the kitchen talking for a long time. Almost an hour, I'd say. Talking about dreams and licking batter off spoons....ah, good memories. We even have pictures, so I'll post one once Darcy develops the film. Then when we found out that everyone had to leave by 10:30, we watched twenty more minutes of the movie, ate brownies and then everyone left. Not exactly what we came to do, but a heck of a lot of fun nonetheless. I would love to do it again. And what was said and done in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.

Dance rehearsal tonight, whoo hoo! I'm so not excited. Well, dance rehearsals are better than regular rehearsals, cause I'm actually doing stuff the whole time, instead of sitting around doing nothing. We actually work on stuff. I just get frustrated that we can't go faster, but I can live with that. I'm just going to have to take a nap before, because the only thing that got me through rehearsal on Wednesday was my nap in the library. That was nice. But I can't do that again for fear of getting in trouble. Oh well. Sleep is good.

I hope that everyone is doing hunky-dorey, I miss Liz but I'm going to see her very soon, yay! I hope that she is doing wonderfully, I hope that Jeff has fun in Ashland for the short time he'll be there (seeing his friend too), I hope that Mollie has a better day, I hope that everyone has a splendiforous and amazingly glorious day, and that life is going good for them. I may not show it all the time (in the correct manner), but I love you all and wish you all the very best in life. Shalom!

I'm not a Haynes....I'm a Fruit of the Loom

Isn't this a cool pciture? I love zebras. And camels. They hold a certain fascination for me, camels. I had a dream that I got a camel for Christmas once. Her name was Rosie. She was a good camel. I lost her Food 4 Less, though. It was very sad. But zebras are just as cool.

I started working out with Jill and Jessi today. I didn't want to overexert myself, so that I wouldn't die the first day, but I felt kind of stupid because I'm so out of shape. It's ridiculous. Oh well. I'll get better with time. And maybe we actually will find some guys for a pre-work-out-make-out session. Ha ha Jill. Everything's funny at six o'clock in the morning. And it kind of sucked cause my cd player ran out of batteries right when I started so I kind of just had to space out. That's ok though, it was nice. With school and rehearsal and home life and everything, you don't have a lot of time just to think. It was a nice change. I just like background music cause I tend to work out to the rhythm of it.

Oh my heck. Yesterday when I almost died in choir was one of the scariest experiences of my life. I was trying to get past Ben, and I was walking behind him, but he didn't know that so he stepped back and crushed me. But see, I was in the crook of the piano and so I couldn't escape or go anywhere, and it was just like, Ben butt all of a sudden and it was really scary. And of course everyone in choir was watching and they all started laughing at the look on my face, because apparently I looked terrified. Well, you know what? It was terrifying. Having someone that big compared to you crushing you in a little space. Not fun. Not an experience I would like to repeat any time soon. Be glad it's never happened to you. Unless it has. Then I pity you.

You know, sometimes it's nice to do something different for a change. I think that's why I'm working out in the morning. It's not something I particularily want to do, but it's a change from my normal schedule, something I don't usually do, and therefore a welcome difference in my boring life. I mean, life is long, and you have a lot of time to try many different things. And that's the beauty of it. If you try something and you don't like it, then you can stop and try something else. Life isn't limited to mastering skills you don't want to master. Unless that's your passion, to master skills. Whatever. But you have your entire life to try different things and find where your passion lies. Except I hate it when people have the philosophy that life is too short, so you have to try everything. You should limit yourself to the things that are within reason. You can't go around trying stupid things, like sex or drugs or sky diving. You have to know the limits of exploration. If you try something stupid, you'll either get into lots of trouble, become addicted, or ruin your life and feel crappy all the time. Or all three. Which I can't even imagine, so why would you even want to try that sort of thing? I had this all worked out in my head last night, sorry I'm not so eloquent today.

Well, there's a class coming in here right now, so I'd better get off the computer. I love you all! Shalom

"He let the contents of the bottle do the thinking, can't shake the devil's hand and say you're only kidding." ~They Might Be Giants

Life is treating me pretty good right now. My new schedule is fine so far, rehearsal isn't as awful as I pretend it is, I'm not really sick anymore, and our Tim Burton fest was about the sweetest thing ever! I'm glad we ended with Edward Scissorhands. It's such an emotional deal for both of us, and we were able to talk a lot afterwards. (Oh, if you didn't know, "us" would be me and Jeff. Jeff and I. Whatever.) Sure, I got in trouble for it, but it was worth it. I would do it again any day. I would just call my parents first.

I finally gave Steven his Christmas present, and he was so happy! It was so cute. He was like, five years old, all excited and everything. And with his new glasses, he's going to be the toast of the town now. Ladies everywhere. What fun. For me, I get to make fun of him.

This is just going to be a post (because I haven't posted in about a bazillion years, yes, that long) and so it's just going to be lots of random thoughts all in one paragraph. So hold your noses and blow your horses, here we go!

Abish started to eat my brownie last night while it was sitting on the floor. And yes, I'm still going to eat it. I've eaten things that babies have slobbered all over and the like, so I'm not really grossed out. I forgot my Safeway club card sign up thing again, but Jacobson will just have to deal with that. I need to learn the dance that I missed for rehearsal on Friday cause I was sick and threw up and fainted, which was a very bizarre experience. I was fine the rest of the weekend, and I feel a little faint today, but I think we're going to be good. Yes, we. I'm going to go home for lunch today because we have yummy lasagna that we can eat. And my calculator's there. And I start Calculus today. I also start AP Lit, which I have with dear Maegan, whom (ugh, whom?), who I miss a lot, we don't really hang out anymore, and we haven't had a real class together (no, choir doesn't count) since first semester last year. Starting at this school together, ending at this school together. Kind of cool, actually. I think it's going to be a pretty cool class, we have some neat people in it. My tummy kind of hurts too. Maybe not such a good sign. I don't want to stay at school, I'm already falling asleep but luckily I don't have rehearsal tonight, yay! I get to take a nap or watch a movie or something exciting like that. I need more sleep. I shouldn't have gone to bed so late last night, even though it was 10:45 or so. Not too late. But now I actually have to shower before I go to seminary because I have a first period now, whoo hoo! I shouldn't seem so happy, cause that wasn't sarcasm. I know how hard it is to tell on a computer screen. I had a dream about Jason Lewis and Casey Halling last night, it was a little weird. I think it was my birthday and they were being really nice to me, being all gentlemanly and stuff, complimenting me. It was nice. Liz was there too, now that I think about it. I might get to go to Medford! Ah! The parents said it was ok cause Jeff is going to Ashland to check out SOU and he said that I could hitch a ride and I just have to find a place to stay which I don't think will be a problem cause I know people but I want to help pay for gas and it really excites me cause I think it's coming up soon and I should probably take a breath now cause I haven't been because I'm so excited which doesn't really make sense because I'm typing. And you can't breathe while you're typing. Well, you can. But long sentences aren't a problem when you're typing because typing has nothing to do with breathing. Pickles?

I think I'm done. I can't really think of anything else to say, except that I love Tim Burton and I can't wait for Corpse Bride to come out and I want the Edward Scissorhands soundtrack. Yeah. The Earth is round. The Sun is large. I wonder where pencils come from?

Where did you get that plunger?

I really don't have anything to say, except that I invite you all to go see the AMAZING picture of Steven getting electrocuted on Liz's blog. It's quite incredible. I love that game. Man. What can I say, I like hurting myself.

I would also invite you to read the insightful and inspiring little story that my mom wrote in HER blog. I have the greatest mom. Anyway, back to school. Whoo hoo. See you all there. Well, some of you. peace out, yo.

"She wandered the earth, alone and rejected." ~Anchor Baby, Tim Burton

I found my theme song. I kept finding ones that I thought were good enough, but I have found the perfect song.

"Why Must I Be Sad?"
~They Might Be Giants~

No More Mister Nice Guy
I Love the Dead
I've been thinking about it
Now I understand what he said

Ask me now
I understand the words that Alice said
I kick the rocks beneath me
I squint at the sun
Sad, sad, sad, sad
Why must I be sad?
The rows of dandelions growing all around me
Why must I be sad? (sad, sad, sad)
(sad, sad, sad)

No one knows these things but me and him
So I'm writing everything down in a spiral notebook
In the hopes that one day
Other people will feel as low as this

Ask me now
I understand the words that Alice said
I kick the rocks beneath me
I squint at the sun
Sad, sad, sad, sad
Why must I be sad?
The rows of dandelions growing all around me
Why must I be sad? (sad, sad, sad)

No More Mister Nice Guy
I Love the Dead
I've been thinking about it
Now I understand what he said

Ask me now
I understand the words that Alice said
I kick the rocks beneath me
I squint at the sun
Sad, sad, sad, sad
Why must I be sad?
The rows of dandelions growing all around me
Why must I be sad? (Welcome to My Nightmare / Dead)
Why must I be sad? (Babies / Raped and Freezin' / You)
Why must I be sad? (Drive Me Nervous / Elected /)
Why must I be sad? (Generation Landslide / Un)
Why must I be sad? (der My Wheels / Muscle of Love /)
Why must I be sad? (School's Out / Only Women Bleed /)
Why must I be sad? (Billion Dollar Babies)
Why must I be sad? (sad, sad, sad)
(sad, sad, sad)
(sad, sad, sad)
(sad, sad)

I'm just tired of not being understood. I want to go back to a place where people know who I am and understand how life is for me. I'm tired of always trying to please everyone and then going home and crying till I fall asleep because I'm lonely. I wish people would talk to me instead of just accusing me of being a bad friend before I know what's going on. I wish that the most fun I have isn't walking alone at night, listening to the wind and feeling the rain on my face. I just wish I weren't so empty. Is that too much to ask?

Every day I walk His way. I seek His light. Do you see it in my eyes?

I wanted to start off with this excerpt from A Series of Unfortunate Events #12:The Penultimate Peril.
"We can ask for a second helping of pound cake, even though someone has made it quite clear that we will not get any. We can ask for a new watercolor set, even though it will be pointed out that we never used the old one, and that all of the paints dried into a crumbly mess. We can ask for Japanese fighting fish, to keep us company in our bedroom, and we can ask for a special camera that will allow us to take photographs even in the dark, for obvious reasons, and we can ask for an extra sugar cube in our coffees in the morning and an extra pillow in our beds at night. We can ask for justice, and we can ask for a hankerchief, and we can ask for cupcakes, and we can ask for all the soldiers in the world to lay down their weapons and join us in a rousing chorus of 'Cry Me a River,' if that happens to be our favorite song. But we can also ask for something we are much more likely to get, and that is to find a person or two, somewhere in our travels, who will tell us that we are noble enough, whether it is true or not. We can ask for someone who will say, 'You are noble enough,' and remind us of our good qualities when we have forgotten them, or cast them into doubt."

As I was reading this the other day, I couldn't help but think about the tender mercies of the Lord, and how much He has done to show me that I am a daughter of God and that I matter to Him. This may come in the form of other people, people who compliment you or just enjoy your company when your self-confidence is low. I know that the Lord has blessed me with many many tender mercies, and everyday I see indications that we are a chosen generation, and that He esteems us in His eyes. I am so grateful that the Lord blesses me in tiny ways, to show me that I am loved by Him, and that He wants me to come live with Him again.

In sacrament meeting today (1st ward sacrament), just after I took the sacrament, I looked down at the program and it had a picture of Christ with the little children around Him, and He has this beautiful smile on His face. And as I was sitting there, I could almost picture Him, in that chapel, waiting for me. And I imagined myself running into His arms, and feeling His arms wrap around me, and whispering in my ears, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant." And I realized just how excited I was to see the Lord and to behold His face, and to feel His love while I look upon Him. Whether in this life or in the life to come, I can't wait to touch His hands and feet, and to have Him hug me with a love I've never known. I know I'll still make mistakes in my life, but I can't imagine Christ being disappointed in me, and so I'm doing all I can to serve Him and His children here on Earth. I want Him to be proud of me.

We watched a movie today in Sunday School about missionary work across the world (hence the picture) and I can't tell you how excited I am to go on a mission. I am willing to sacrifice all I need to be able to serve the Lord's children in a different land, or in this land if He so chooses to send me. But in the video, especially when they talked about the people from the Pacific Islands and the people from Eastern Europe, I felt an immense sense of gratitude for the missionaries who were brave enough to go to those countries to spread the gospel. I don't know why I love the Polynesian people so much, I've only been to Hawaii once and I know a family from Samoa, but I feel such an attachment to them. And also the people of Germany, because I've been there. I know what wonderful people are there, and I've seen where the Berlin wall once stood, and so I know how incredible it must have felt to be free from physical and spiritual bondage. I would love to serve a foreign mission, but I will go wherever the Lord sends me. And I will go, no matter what.

In this book I finished recently, The Silver Chalice, (which takes place in Rome soon after Christ's ministry), one of the characters is telling the main character (Basil) about the spirit Basil has felt while searching for the apostles. He tells Basil that he may believe in Jesus Christ, but he will someday reach the point where he simply wants to preach the gospel to everyone around him, and to tell the world of the joy he has felt through the gospel of Jesus Christ. What a true statement. There are times when I'm going about my life that I get so excited about the gospel that I simply can't hold it in, and I want to shout to the world how happy I am, and how they too can be happy by coming to the Lord. What an opportunity to be able to serve the Lord as a full-time missionary, to bring the truth to the children of God. What an amazing calling. I can't wait till that time comes.

To the many of you who will read this, you have been an immense blessing in my life, those that I have met here and those that I have left behind. Your influence in my life has helped me chose the better part, and for that I am eternally grateful. I love you all deeply. May joy fill your lives, even in times of trial. Shalom