Into the Maze of a Mind

Transcendence

2011-12-26T18:42:00.005-07:00

This past week has been adventurous. I lost my job (maybe), found a job, my car died and was revived, and I may start attending a new church (maybe). But it's interesting how your attitude can determine how things affect you. I have made it my goal to not be bothered and when things go wrong, I just roll with the punches. Sure, funds are tight and that is basically the cause of all of my worries, but things will work out. They have so far, and they always will.

Identity is such a strange thing. You think you know who you are, but you have no way of knowing if that's how others see you. In fact, it can be guaranteed that your view of yourself is very different than others' views. You can try to present yourself in a way that reflects how you feel, but your feelings often differ from day to day. And when you try something new, people always say "gee, that's not like you at all." But it IS like me, you say. This is how I feel today, and why should it matter that it's different than how I usually am? People expect you to be one thing, when sometimes you really want to be another. Like the line from "Weekend" (which has become one of my favourite films), "I keep trying to redraw myself, but everyone keeps hiding my pencils."

But I won't feel guilty because of who I am. I won't apologize because I don't fit into your description. Gay? Straight? Bisexual? Transgender? Queer? They're all just labels. They're all just words to put someone in a box. The problem (and the good thing, I suppose) with words is that they all mean something. When you want to describe something you have to use the words at your disposal. And maybe one word is closer than another, but how do you describe something you've never felt before? How do you describe something that is totally and utterly unique to you? You know that no one will ever truly understand it. You know that as soon as you say the words out loud, they will interpret them however they want. How do you communicate with someone? Pictures? Facial expressions? Look at how many languages there are in the world today and then look at how many non-verbal ways of communication include the same way of saying things. A smile. A furrowed brow. A picture of two people holding hands. A dog. A sun. Maybe we should just go back to drawing pictures. But even then I will look at your picture and not see the same thing you see. It's the blessing and curse of the individual. Don't presume to understand me, but know that when I'm looking at you I'm not presuming to understand you either.

Whisper of Winter
A red bird in a bare tree
Transcendence in Spring

Tis the Season

2011-12-24T13:03:00.004-07:00

Apparently I'm just going to be posting on holidays. However, there are many obscure holidays all throughout the year so hopefully that means I'll be posting more often. It will be a game to see which holidays we can celebrate with blog posts.

Happy Christmas! I was unable to send out individualized Christmas cards this year as I've been trying to do, so I'm writing a Christmas blog instead! I had one beautiful gift under the tree (thanks Dad and Mary!) and no plans for the rest of the day except to listen to the "Nightmare Before Christmas" soundtrack and eat lots of chocolate.
I went to the United Church of Christ this morning for services, but as I was driving there I realized there were NO cars outside any of the churches in town. Perhaps they had early morning services or something and were spending the rest of the day at home with their families. I got to the United church and there were cars there, so I went inside and they had already had their service and were just finishing up a potluck breakfast. I awkwardly joined them, but they were very kind and I enjoyed spending a bit of time with them. Maybe I'll go back sometime.

It really doesn't feel like Christmas. I'm not with family, though I did just get to see some of them this month, which was fantastic. This morning I was all mopey because I am not spending Christmas with family but now I feel better. I watched "The Nutcracker" designed by Maurice Sendak which was amazing and lifted my mood. My roommate Lorayne invited me to spend some time with her family today and I might later but probably not. It is very nice of her to think of me, but somehow I think it's worse to spend holidays with someone else's family, particularly if you don't know them very well. It would just remind me I'm not with my family. But at home I can just relax and be myself.

It's not snowing, which is actually fine by me. Today was positively warm. And although we have a tree and everything downtown is lighted up, I haven't done much of anything festive-y. I did go to a caroling/winter solstice potluck dinner thing in the mobile home park where I live now. It was actually a lot of fun. We sang carols and moved from house to house for the different courses of dinner. The community here in the park is really nice and they were really open and welcoming. Rayne called me a "party animal" afterwards, which is something I have never been called before and makes me feel odd. I have no idea what prompted it. I didn't drink with everyone. I did have a good time talking and caroling and joking, but I wasn't crazy. At least I didn't think so.

But the point is, I watched both "The Muppet Christmas Carol" and the John Denver and the Muppets Christmas Special yesterday, and they both had some wonderful messages. I was reminded that although I'm not with my family today, as Kermit the Frog says, "Christmas is the one time of year where everyone seems to be a part of everyone's family." So whomever I spend time with today is family. And while the giving of gifts is a wonderful tradition, it's also a good tradition to just spend time with one another and tell people you love them. And as the Ghost of Christmas Present sings, "wherever you find love it feels like Christmas" and "the message is to make it last all year." And so Christmas day, while it's nice to spend with family and friends, is just another day to be grateful for the love I feel from those people. So pity me not, dear ones! Have a very Merry Christmas, and know I'm thinking of you and I love you very much!

Middling

2011-11-24T16:28:00.003-07:00

It's Thanksgiving, and although I'm not with family or friends on this day, I am cuddled up in a blanket with three dogs snuggling close, the Punch Brothers playing softly, and a little fireplace space heater flickering in the corner. I am content.

This term has been absolutely insane, but I have had so many good experiences I would not change it in any way. I still have lots to do before finals (directing projects next week, groundplan and model for "The Tempest" design, Econ paper, play, and moving) but I think I can make it. I just have to actually sit down and do it.

I am particularly excited for my directing project, "Rope." I have a wonderful cast and crew who have worked tremendously hard in the very short time we had available to create what is a solid production. We still have work to do before tech (Monday!) but we're all taking a well-deserved break this weekend after some really wonderful rehearsals this past week. And the deeper we go into the script the more I love it. As it's a period piece written in 1929, part of the work we've been doing is to try and find ways to make it relevant to our world today. The play is, I believe, about apathy and disillusionment, and finding a sense of morality one character thought he had lost. We find this very prevalent today, as our generation has a tendency to worry about things like fashion and fame rather than the troubled state our world is in. We spoke about the Occupy Wall Street movement as an improv exercise before rehearsal on Tuesday and tried to connect it to our play, which with the recent violence and police abuse has become impossible to ignore. I have been reading a lot about the Occupy events recently and I am interested in doing theatre that deals with that issue and eminent revolution in the future, so I am trying to integrate my feelings into what we're doing right now (which is essentially a play about the 1% and how their situation and views on society lead to a motiveless murder). I wish we had a lot more time to work on this production, to explore and learn more, but as it is I am comfortable with where we are and I think it will be a good show.

After this term things will be slowing down considerably, which will allow me to read more, relax more, discover what I want more. The event of graduating and becoming a real adult is looming ever closer, and as exciting as that is, it's also terrifying. We'll see what happens. It will be exhilarating and intimidating.

How to be grown up
Always a Lost Boy inside
Grittiness of sand

Comforter

2011-10-11T12:06:00.002-06:00

I know it's been a while since I posted, and I apologize. School started and things have been pretty crazy for the past couple of weeks. And it's only going to get crazier.

It's rather bizarre being back in school. It's strange to always be surrounded by people. Fun, but strange. I'm not popular but I'm well-liked, and it's led to me occupying a fairly queer place in the theatre department. First of all, I'm the assistant director for our Black Box show "Dog Sees God: Confessions of a Teenage Blockhead." The play is vulgar and cruel and hilarious and heavy, but it ends with a measure of hope and is popular among the students. This assignment means I'm in a leadership position that people recognize and respect (Kyle, the director, has been very good about involving me in the actual rehearsal process, which I find refreshing). I'm also in the Intermediate Directing class, which consists of a 30-minute cut of a play presented at the end of the term. These projects are a big deal within the department, and we work with the Acting II class so we both gain valuable experience working with peers. This has the same effect as being an assistant director. That, and having been a den mom last year (with almost all my den babies still within the department), has created a role of "mom" within the department for me. At least, that's what it feels like. People stop me in the halls to get hugs, people pull me aside to talk about difficulties, people look to me for comfort and encouragement. I almost always have a positive outlook and am constantly telling everyone to calm down and let it work itself out. I don't mind, not at all. In fact, I rather enjoy it. However, it makes me terribly lonely. Who do I go to when I have problems? Who will put their arms around me and tell me it's going to be all right? Who will lift me when I'm down? I have friends in the department and out, but I want that one person who will always be there for me.

No worries. I'm just feeling a bit down today. I'm tired. I feel old.

A Study in Haiku

2011-09-17T00:09:00.001-06:00

Unrequited love
As sure as the waxing moon
Solace in chocolate

Swift

2011-09-14T20:14:00.004-06:00

She blinked
and a thousand words sifted through her eyelashes
The windows to her soul
were actually barred
Letting only the occasional sheet of feeling
slip between the rods in a shielded palm

Her lips remained locked
the current of emotion would go no further
than the dam of sticks made of her misgiving
Hers was a quiet love
the gentle swish of the washing machine
His a surge
devouring and uplifting

A cotton string was all
that tied her to another
Finding comfort in warm and tousled bedding
But inside
a chimney swift
tapped on the glass
of the window to her soul

9/11/11

2011-09-11T17:23:00.002-06:00

It’s hard to believe it has been a decade since the September 11th tragedy. The whole thing has always been a little bit unreal for me, even watching videos and hearing first-hand accounts. Since the events on 9/11/01 many many things have happened, but everyone still remembers. It’s interesting to read and hear about where everyone was during the 9/11 attacks ten years ago: how they heard about it, where they were, who they lost. I remember exactly where I was. I was at home, getting ready to go to another typical day of middle school. I walked into the hallway with my backpack on, all set to walk out the door and to the bus stop down the street. I stopped in the doorway of the living room, where the television was on and my family was sitting and watching videos of the Twin Towers burning. I joined them, barely comprehending the magnitude of the tragedy, kneeling on the carpet with my backpack on.

The next few days were similarly surreal. At school we always watched a college-run news show called Channel One, and one day they did a story about Fremont and the large Afghan population there. It crossed my mind the story was about hate crimes directed at Middle Eastern-born Americans, but all I really thought was, “Hey! That’s where I grew up!” They filmed an interview by the fruit stand right outside our old apartment complex.

It took me years to fully understand the depth of the events that occurred on September 11th, 2001, and they are still just beyond my grasp. It wasn’t until I stood staring down into the rubble of Ground Zero and listening to a woman tell a story about her son, known only as “the man with the red bandanna,” a volunteer fireman who saved lives before losing his own, that I felt the chasm of sorrow associated with that day. It wasn’t until I stood looking at the countless memorials on display in the St. Paul chapel that I truly understood how many people lost their lives, how many people were deeply and personally affected by the catastrophe. Living in relative safety on the other side of the country, I never knew what it meant to have the World Trade Center fall.

Sometimes I think in terms of before and after. I see a movie set in New York and there are the Twin Towers, blazing in the sunlight, and I think, “This was before 9/11.” I read a book about Middle Easterners getting held up at the airport and I think, “This is because of 9/11.” National security before and after. The wars in the Middle East before and after. Friendships before and after. Families before and after. I didn’t personally know anyone who lost her life or even who lost someone dear to them, and my life didn’t really change before to after. But every year I hold a silent personal vigil: in the dedicated moment of silence at the Embassy, in a white flower with whispered well-wishings dropped into the river, in communion with the full moon.

As magnificent as the scope of tragedy that day held and in the years of aftermath, I can only believe in the goodness and resistance of the human soul. I am amazed at the tributes of art, music, novels, architecture, and film dedicated to those who lost their lives. People will find hope and strength and rise above wretchedness. They will stand together, bound by links that withstand time and tribulation. As my mother taught me, all people are inherently good, and I will believe till the day I die that when the day ends, people will do the right thing. People will come together and help each other. People will lift each other’s heads and hands and help each other live. People will find quiet strength in the community of the human spirit. People don’t wish harm on others. Even in the wake of tragedy, even in the crisis of financial ruin, even on the brink of destruction, people just want to live. Even in the supposed triumph of the killing of Osama Bin Laden, it’s still just another death. All we want is a quiet place to be still and listen and learn and love. We must and will rise above death and sorrow to create a stronger, more beautiful world. A world that has the resilience and trust that has been shown by countless individuals in the past ten years.

In the clear morning air
Smoke and dust and human souls
Rose above the shining Towers into the sky
Pillars of strength and internationalism
Brought down by impact
Metal on metal

Years later
Foundations rise
Hands build
Differences unite
Hope where once lay terror
And tears

In the wake of tragedy
A new light
Strength from sorrow
Faith through fear
Courage from calamity
A reviving city
Not a broken one

O brave new world, that has such people in it

In Time

2011-08-29T18:52:00.002-06:00

Sorry it's been a while since I wrote last. After coming back from California I almost immediately started a house/dog-sitting job and I have been adjusting to the new schedule. I sleep at the house in Talent, get up, take care of the dog, go to work, come back, take care of the dog, hang around, take care of the dog, and then come back to Ashland for a bit to hang out with Stanley Copernicus before I go back to take care of the dog and go to bed. It's not very much work, but it's a pretty inflexible schedule and I'm still getting used to it. However, it's kind of fun and I've gotten used to showering outside and having dance parties to the music channels on cable. Only two more weeks and I'll be back to living at my own place (I've started to think of Talent as "home" now, which is kind of weird).

I had some strange dreams last night. There are two things I distinctly remember. One is Liz and I singing "Everyone's a Little Bit Racist" to Mom while we were all seated in an auditorium, and some woman telling us to be quiet (she said something specific but I can't remember what it is now). The other part involved a giant gorilla (not unlike King Kong) called The Front Runner, and he was kind of like John the Baptist except instead of preparing us for the coming of Jesus he was a representative of the party of vampires that was soon to take over the Earth. Go figure.

I've a mixed mind when I think about the coming school year. On the one hand I'm involved in a lot of projects that will prove both interesting and challenging. On the other hand I'm involved in a lot of projects that will prove both interesting and challenging. I'm afraid I won't be able to put my full attention to everything and that my work will suffer. I'm not a complete perfectionist but I like to do my best wherever I can. We'll see how it goes. I'm wondering if Scene Design is offered in the Winter then I can postpone that for a semester and only take three classes. That will definitely lighten the work load. And after Fall I only need a few more classes to graduate. Yippee! I'm still waiting to hear back from OSF about the dramaturgy internship. Cross your fingers!

I wish I could write more, but I'm off to read "Jurassic Park" to my friend Jenna!

Shalom!

Blackberry Picking

2011-08-02T21:10:00.003-06:00

There is something magical about the first blackberry picking expedition of the season. You step out of your front door into the rush of traffic and the flicker of lights and fifteen minutes later you are walking quietly along an abandoned railroad, feeling the caress of the late sun on your cheek. The season is early and only a few berries have begun to swell and gleam in the golden light. It is like a treasure hunt, your eyes darting back and forth to find the rare burst of blue-black amidst the sea of green and pink. You relish the simple sounds of the evening. The slither of water through the weeds and bamboo. The crackle of conversation between the crickets and the birds. The whisper and clatter of the trees as the wind turns their leaves into gentle castanets. Even the cars on the distant highway have a rhythm and melody of their own. You walk along the railroad track, keeping a keen eye on the bushes to the left. There are no ripe berries, and the ground is too steep. You turn around, focusing on the other side of the track. A berry here, a berry there, dropped into the plastic bag with a satisfying plop. And then, there it is. The first clump of ripe berries, clinging with plump self-satisfaction to the prickly branches. You step carefully but eagerly and thrust your hands into the bushes, heedless of waiting thorns or spiders, to pluck the fat berries from their perches. These are moments of joy: the rush of fulfillment when you have to tug a little too hard for the stubborn berry to come free, or the burst of childlike satisfaction when a too-ripe globe crumbles at the slightest touch and you have to greedily lick the burgundy juice from your fingers. And soon the bottom of your bag is covered as you break free every last ripe blackberry from the flowering plants, avoiding the temptation to eat as many as you pick. You step back, satisfied, knowing that in a few short weeks those berries left behind will swell and darken and be ready for your next expedition.

And then you walk home, crunching through the gravel and gripping your plastic bag, admiring the sinking sun and darkening sky as you slowly reenter civilization. The berries are washed in cool water, dried and re-bagged, and placed carefully, reverently, into the freezer. You shut the freezer door with a quiet pride, knowing that in no time at all you will be sharing your rich bounty with dear family, savoring the taste and smell of a town and state you have grown to love. As you eat every last bite and lick your spoon clean, you are reminded of the melodious evenings of blackberry picking that has brought this delight. And then once again, in a year or so, you will embark on the first blackberry picking expedition of the season, eager to share the lovely memories of an evening in the late sunlight.

Why I Don't Like to Exercise

2011-07-25T21:21:00.002-06:00

This is me when I'm exercising.

I don't like going to the gym, because at the gym I get all sweaty and self-conscious and feel judged that I can't even handle 40lb on any of the weight machines. So instead I choose to just walk around outside while wearing sneakers and running shorts. Sometimes I walk briskly. For much of the time I think about running but realize that while it is pretty outside, it's hard to appreciate the scenery when you're dying inside. But sometimes I do choose to jog for a bit, which always ends up being an unfortunate choice.

I think, "I'm going to start jogging when I reach that sign and keep jogging until I reach that other sign." I reach the sign, take a deep breath, and start jogging. After about 10 seconds, I'm like, "Yay! This is great! I could jog forever!!!" After about 20 seconds, my knees start going "Arrrgh! No! What? Why? Pressure!" And then my heart is like, "Dude, I was already going at a pretty good rate there, and now you want me to accelerate? Do you want to collapse on the side of the road?" And my lungs are just all, "....hhhrrreeegh.....hhhhrrrooooouuuuuu..." Plus, my legs are itchy. But I keep jogging until I reach the other sign because that's the goal I set for myself, and when I do I try and recuperate and convince my organs it was all for the best. I do this three to four times on my walk, even though it takes me a good five minutes to catch my breath. And while I'm gulping in air like a dying fish (because you can never get enough oxygen through your nostrils), bugs fly into my mouth.

And that's why I don't like to exercise.

P.S. This blog was inspired by the humour of Allie from Hyperbole and a Half and I wish we were friends so she could illustrate my story (especially my lungs).

Sunset swim in the lake.

2011-07-23T22:38:00.001-06:00

Enough said.

Somewhere between annoyed and exhausted...

2011-07-21T17:32:00.002-06:00

The past two days have been wonderful. Work was lame (a common occurrence) but because I get off so early in the morning by the end of the day sometimes it feels I was never at work in the first place. This week has flown by and yesterday and today have been particularly pleasant.

Yesterday after work I met up with my good friend Jenna and we had a picnic in the park together. We ate delicious Co-op food and talked about everything from graduation to becoming lazy lumps of lard (which we are now trying to avoid). We spoke about my lack of interesting tangles with the law and came up with the BEST band name ever: "Quietly Illegal" (which I claim and copyright as my creation, with Jenna as my witness). Then we wandered around downtown, eating Zoey's ice cream and wondering at the weather. After stopping by her place of employment, we finally decided it was warm enough to warrant going to the lake. We changed and gathered our belongings and headed up to Emigrant Lake, laughing and singing along to "The Pirates of Penzance." We drove to the far side of the lake and found a little deserted beach, where we lay in the sun and (very briefly) swam in the cool water. We discussed plans for downsizing and running away, and implored a passing eagle for some fish (or a pizza). We basked in the warm sun until clouds came and covered it and the breeze became just too chilly for comfort. We listened to and I explained the plot of "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" (can you believe Jenna has never seen it?) and then I dropped Jenna off at her home, promising to see her more often. That evening I discovered one of my favourite films (the original Japanese "Shall We Dance?") was finally available on Netflix Instant View, so I ate dinner, went on a quick and refreshing walk, then settled down to a pleasant and nostalgic evening.

Today was similarly enjoyable. After work I went home and cleaned (which always makes me feel better) then Blaine came over and we drove up to Mill Creek Falls for the afternoon. We had a long and interesting discussion about "Harry Potter" (the seventh film of which I still have yet to see) and other interesting books we have read recently. I gave him my copy of "Dandelion Wine" to read. We laughed and joked until we reached the falls, where we traversed huge boulders and fallen logs to eat apples by the thundering river. We threw our apple cores into the river and talked about "Choose Your Own Adventure," which Blaine has never read (these are staples of my childhood, people! Where were you growing up?). We followed tiny paths through the trees, parting branches and rubbing spider webs off our faces to reach the viewpoint, where we could admire the distant falls in the warm sun and cooling breeze. We stopped for Snickers Ice Cream Bars on the way back and licked the wrappers clean. Driving home we tried to think of as many songs as we could with the word "river" (which wasn't many) and tried to make up a song that included the word "Hudspeth" (the name of a street we passed, and we never thought of a song because we couldn't decide whether the word was a noun or an adjective). We finally listened to random songs on random cds in my car and ended with the drive with the soundtrack from "Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog." Then I left Blaine to drive away to a meeting at the Festival.

I was invited to the lake this evening, and though I may slightly regret it later, I am comfortably exhausted and choosing to write this blog instead. I hope more days end up like the past few. I feel comfortable and weary and calm and happy. Knowing I have people to spend time with, knowing I have ridiculous things to say and laugh at, knowing I have beautiful places to go. They won't always stay this way, but right now, things are going pretty well. Shalom

2 Review

2011-07-14T18:09:00.003-06:00

In the past three days I have read an incredible book and seen a wonderful play, and would like to share my thoughts on both.

I first heard about David Guterson's "Snow Falling on Cedars" through a Goodreads update sent to my email. Liz had reviewed and loved the book and I knew I had to read it as well. I picked it up at the library Tuesday afternoon and just an hour ago finished reading it in Lithia Park. I literally had a hard time putting it down. It is one of the best new books I've read in a long time (I've been rereading a lot of my favourites, though I did just read "Their Eyes Were Watching God" for the first time and also found that incredible). It was powerful, moving, thought-provoking, tense, beautiful. I'm not really into crime or trial novels so I don't have anything to compare it to, but while I would find it hard to maintain the level of tension and suspense a courtroom scene required to hold interest for readers Guterson never once allowed our minds to wander. By interspersing the trial with past and present events, the suspense holds and we draw our own conclusions and form our own opinions before the characters have a chance to react. Though I would make the case for Ishmael Chambers as the "main" character, every other player in this compelling world has depth and unique characteristics that make them equally real and important. I also appreciated the author's writing style. Although the novel contains its fair share of simile and metaphor, I never felt bogged down by inane comparisons. I never had to figure out what the author meant, and the style never felt overtly stylized or pretentious. Again, it felt like an objective (albeit intimate) observation of the events taking place within these people's lives.
I also appreciated the novel because of its themes. Set in 1954 on San Piedro Island, the book deals, among other things, with tensions between the American inhabitants and their Japanese neighbors. Having watched a lot of anime lately, I feel I have a basic, if not slightly skewed, understanding of Japanese culture and can relate to the tension Eastern and Western philosophical differences create. I also just recently watched "Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence," a film (with David Bowie!) about English and Australian soldiers in a Japanese POW camp during WWII, and the vast differences between English and Japanese social and cultural customs. There are times you don't know who to root for, because on the one hand, regardless of one's cultural, social, political, or ethnic background we are all just human beings. On the other hand, how can you reconcile your own social and personal beliefs when people are dying? It is an interesting thought, and I appreciate the openness with which Guterson explores the human heart. I thoroughly devoured and enjoyed this book, and would offer a strong recommendation to all.

Yesterday afternoon I saw the play "Ghost Light" at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival. (By the way, for the longest time I thought the person in the poster was a woman, but it's not. It's a boy). It's a play written by Tony Taccone, directed by Jonathan Moscone, and is about Jonathan's reaction to and how his life was changed by the assassination of his father, Mayor George Moscone of San Francisco, and includes strong references and parallels to "Hamlet." While the reception by the audience has been mixed, I greatly enjoyed this play (and I don't think it's just because I'm from the Bay Area). While the play draws on the experiences of Jonathan Moscone and the influence of his father's assassination (or lack of, given the simultaneous death of Harvey Milk), the play never felt egocentric or even personally cathartic. I can't imagine it wasn't, but that was not its sole purpose. Through the observation of one person's incredible and incredibly personal journey, we feel within ourselves a recognition of universal emotions and situations: the loss of a loved one, a need for love, a realization of loneliness. I laughed out loud at the straight-forward humour, and brushed away tears at the statement of truth. Regardless of whether or not we knew who George Moscone was, I think we were all tickled and touched by the story of one man undergoing a tremendously difficult journey of self-awareness and acceptance.
I also really appreciated the structure of the play itself. It's not at all linear or straight-forward, and although I am a great fan of Realism, I am becoming more and more appreciative of theatre that pushes the limits of theatrical convention, that explores and blurs the boundaries between presentational and representational theatre. I loved the dreamlike and surreal nature of the text, and the syntax itself was unique and poetic. Although there were times I questioned a particular scene and its placement within the play, I later realized how that particular event triggered the next step in Jonathan's emotional journey. And sometimes it's more fun to have to figure things out. As Jon says, "we should just trust the audience to make the connections for themselves." And while all the actors were wonderful, Christopher Liam Moore's performance as Jon was absolutely astonishing and heart-breaking. Throughout the play I found myself entirely invested in the story and the characters, interested in the outcome, and affirmed in many of my beliefs about life. As the director writes, "Theater is not so good at the real, but it's pretty good at trying to get to the truth."
"Ghost Light" closes at the Festival in November, and then it moves down to Berkeley Rep, where I strongly recommend anyone in the Bay Area to see it (hint, hint, Mom). It was a funny and poignant play, and I hope to see it again before the end of its run.

There you have it! Two reviews of two magnificent pieces of entertainment. Hope you get a chance to experience each for yourself. Shalom!

Poised on the Edge of a Springboard

2011-07-12T21:33:00.003-06:00

I feel a great anticipation, though over what I'm not sure. I feel something is going to happen. Do I have to do something about it? Will it happen to me naturally or do I have to do something, say something, to make it happen? And what is it anyway?

Maybe I'll find a better job. Maybe I'll write a great novel based on my limited experience and knowledge. Maybe I'll meet the girl of my dreams at "Ghost Light" tomorrow. "Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps."

The sky looks like it does in "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" when the aliens come to kidnap the little boy. Maybe that's what I'm anticipating. ; )

Today I missed Garfield Street. It holds fond memories of my first year at SOU, the hope chest of a new beginning. I miss the rare occasions we would all hang out, me and Will and Dai and Dylan, playing Rock Band or talking about politics and religion. Hanging out with a bunch of guys. That was fun.

I'll let you know when it happens. Whatever it is. Until then...

Shalom!

Bloggity Blog

2011-07-07T21:46:00.004-06:00

Note: This entry is best read in a strong Southern accent.

It has been weeks, nay, months, since I took the time to express myself through this medium. I have been distracted, immersed, engrossed, occupied, and preoccupied with all manner of academic and work force enterprises. I have been overcome with the pleasant laziness of summer afternoons and become indifferent to the needs of my eager readers. But now I arouse myself from the slumber of lackadaisical indolence and resolve to be more diligent with my writings.

I resolve to do a lot of things. I resolve to walk every evening when the sun is just setting and the hot summer day is just cooling down and lose myself in the high blue open ocean that is the twilight sky. I resolve to eat better, to choose the healthier food if I find the need to snack. I resolve to be more productive with my time, even if it's just to write a few thoughts here and a few thoughts there in this little forum. I resolve to reach out to those I love, to spend more time with them and to never hold back the quality of my affections. I resolve to be more alive.

So here's hoping this is the start of a new era in blogging.

All the Lonely People

2011-01-15T14:46:00.003-07:00

This is where the lonely people go
Into the woods
Where the bare branches
stand stark against the bleak sky
Where the tumbling of the river
The chattering of birds
The crackling of leaves
Make them feel they are a part of something
Where the only person they meet
Is an old man and his dog
Each of them limping along in their heartache

This is where the lonely people go
Into the world of words
Where isolated souls
become heroes in distant lands
Where they can share the horror
The joy
The sorrow
Without hurting their already hollow hearts

This is where the lonely people go
Where making people laugh
And knowing what they are talking about
Are their only noticeable features
With no particular beauty
And no extraordinary talent
They cannot be picked out from a crowd

So they slip into their sheets
Where their dreams are their only solace
And no one can hear them crying

I Have Written Your Name on the Inside of My Eyelids

2011-01-01T13:11:00.003-07:00

I close my eyes and
I see you
And try to pretend you're not more beautiful each time
Your bright, mocking eyes
Your laughing mouth with (what is it?) frowning at the corner of your lips
The dark stain of ink on your forearm
Your hands
Scratched and scarred from the care and keep of the menagerie

I don't know what it is
It may be so rare it's never been seen before
Like the first drop of dew on a summer's morning
Or it may be more common
than the splash of an ice cube into a drinking glass
Either way, it's tangible and tantalizing
The kiss of sunshine on a winter's day
The caress of clean sheets
A whisper from the seat behind you

It doesn't matter
I never see you anymore
Except when I close my eyes
and try to pretend I don't miss you

Manners

2010-12-22T19:36:00.003-07:00

Steam billowed from the engine as a young woman descended the steps onto the platform. Her navy traveling skirt billowed around her and she felt raindrops on her neck. She hurried across the platform to seek shelter under the railroad building roof. She stood watching people hurrying to and fro in the rain, hailing cabs and greeting friends. When the platform was nearly empty, she looked around and spotted the ticket booth. Walking toward it, she bent her head to rummage in her purse for a small white card. Clutching it firmly in her white-gloved hand, she looked up to see a man standing several feet from her, watching her. She stopped. The man was tall and wearing a grey bowler hat. He bowed and spoke in a quiet, calm voice.
‘Miss Delia?’
The young woman blinked and slowly nodded.
‘I have come to escort you to your hotel, Miss Delia,’ the man said, smiling politely. Miss Delia glanced down at the card in her hand, which had the words The Denton Hotel stamped in gold letters on its surface. The man seemed to notice her hesitation and smiled more gently.
‘Yes, the Denton, Miss Delia,’ he said. ‘I understand you’re expected.’
‘Yes, yes I am,’ the young woman said, regaining her composure.
‘Then if you would just step this way, please.’ The man bowed and turned to gesture toward a black carriage waiting outside the station building. Miss Delia looked around the empty platform but the man answered her questioning glance.
‘Your luggage has already been retrieved, Miss Delia, and is waiting for you in the cab.’ He again indicated the waiting carriage, but there was no hint of impatience in his voice. Indeed, he seemed pleased to wait until the young woman was quite ready. The young woman allowed a flicker of surprise to cross her features, but a moment later she smiled faintly and stepped forward. The man walked beside her to the end of the platform, where he kindly opened the cab door and held out his hand to her. Miss Delia took his hand in hers and allowed herself to be gently lead into the dark carriage. He alighted after her and shut the door firmly behind him. With no verbal command, the cab immediately started off with a jolt. The young woman grasped the seat to steady herself and smiled sheepishly at the man. He returned her smile with a kind one of his own, then proceeded to gaze out the window as they trundled through the cobbled streets.
The rain was pounding the cab roof and night had fallen when they pulled up in front of the Denton Hotel. Before the young woman could move, the man had emerged from the cab and was standing holding an umbrella above the open door. The young woman, pleased with the man’s impeccable manners, took his hand once more as he helped her to the sidewalk. She heard him say ‘Miss Delia’ under his breath and nod to her politely as she passed. He escorted her up the steps and into the bright and warm hotel, his hand lightly pressing her elbow. As they stepped beneath a brilliant crystal chandelier, Miss Delia opened her mouth to thank the man but was interrupted.
‘Miss Delia,’ the man said softly, looking down at his shoes, ‘I was hoping you would allow me the pleasure of your company at dinner.’
The young woman, again surprised but quickly hiding it, smiled at the shy invitation.
‘It would only be polite,’ she said as the man looked again into her face, ‘to repay you for the kindness you have shown me.’
The man smiled his quiet, polite smile and bowed once more, leading the young woman into the dining room. The numerous tables were illuminated by candles glittering softly in golden brackets on the walls. The room was filled with the sound of murmuring diners and tinkling silverware as patrons of the Denton Hotel supped. Miss Delia hovered at the edge of the room, but the man lead her to an empty table in the very center of the sea of tables. The man pulled out a cushioned chair for the young woman, who sat amazed. She had never before been treated with such courteous behavior. The man took a seat across from her and removed his hat, placing it on the table next to him. Before the young woman had time to remove her gloves, a waiter materialized at their side with a bottle of fine wine. The man nodded and the waiter proceeded to pour drinks for each of them. Miss Delia began to suspect the man was more than he appeared, so as the waiter flitted away to bring menus, she opened her mouth to speak.
‘I beg your pardon, sir,’ she began as politely as she could, ‘but you seem to be a man of influence here. May I ask what you do?’
The man smiled.
‘I’m in...’ He paused, and for a fraction of a moment, the young woman thought she saw a strange glint in the man’s eye.
‘Public relations,’ he concluded just as the waiter reappeared. The man took the liberty of ordering for the both of them, bowing politely to the young woman all the while. Dinner passed in a flurry of exotic dishes and fine wine, and the young woman spoke with more and more ease as the evening wore on. When the last dish had been whisked away and the last of the wine drunk, the man rose and stepped around the table to lift Miss Delia from her seat. She held his arm gratefully as they walked back into the bright lobby of the hotel. At the counter the man left her to secure a lift, and the young woman’s eyes followed him as she murmured her name to the clerk. He handed her the key to Room Six, watching her as she watched the man return.
‘A most polite man, miss,’ the clerk said as she took the key from his gloved hand.
‘Oh yes,’ she breathed and clutched the key close to her heart. ‘A more perfect gentleman I’ve never met.’
In the lift the two were silent, with the key held tightly in the fist of the young woman and the grey bowler hat dangling lightly from the man’s hand. When the lift shuddered to a halt, the man waited for the young woman to pass before he stepped out into the hall after her. She walked slowly down the hall before facing the door to Room Six, where she inserted the key into the lock with trembling hands. She turned to face the man as he was placing his hat gently on his head.
‘This is where we must part, Miss Delia,’ the man said regretfully, bowing slightly. The young woman nodded, clasping her hands together. The man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a small red rose bud, which he offered to the young woman. She stared at it for a moment, before reaching out and taking it in her warm hand.
‘A parting gift,’ he said softly. He raised his hand to touch the rim of his hat, then turned and walked down the hall to the lift. The young woman gazed after him for a moment, then she too turned away and turned the key in the lock. She stepped into the room, stared one more time down the glowing hall, then closed the door with a snap.
The following morning found the hotel staff congregated in a muttering, shuffling group outside the door of Room Six. A whisper through the huddle told that the young woman to whom the room was rented had vanished mysteriously in the night, leaving nothing behind. In fact, the room contained no trace of anyone having been there at all, save a tiny rose bud, just beginning to bloom, gently resting on the bedside table.

A young woman accepted the helping hand of a porter as she climbed onto the train. She wandered through the carriages, glancing in the compartments on either side to find an empty seat. Finally, at the end of the train, she found a compartment with only one other occupant. She entered and sat down, gathering her traveling skirts about her before glancing at the man seated across from her. He smiled and nodded politely before turning to gaze once more out the damp window. On the seat beside him was a grey bowler hat.

Sky Diving From the Ground Up

2010-08-13T15:48:00.003-06:00

When you go into a dark field in the middle of the night, and lie down and turn your face to the sky, you feel like you're sky diving from the ground up. Your soul leaps from your body and goes soaring into the stars, and all you can do is feel it glide from star to star as your eyes go searching for meteors. It's strange how lying alone staring up at the night sky can make you feel so tiny and yet so immense. You feel small and insignificant, for how can you compare to the millions of stars and galaxies spinning above you? And yet, if you look straight above you, you can see the whole sky in your vision and you feel you could lift your arms and encompass it all. You can't focus on anything, because you are constantly searching for something to hold on to and there is too much to see. Thoughts skip through your mind so quickly you can't grasp even one, so you give up trying and just allow them to wander quietly through your head and then up into the cosmos. The only thing, lying there alone watching lights streak across the sky, is that it gets lonely after a while. You wish you had someone special to hold your hand and keep you warm. Some things are fine alone, but they are better to share.

Reflections on Proposition 8

2010-08-07T12:13:00.005-06:00

Disclaimer: I know this issue may be a sensitive one for some people, but I feel moved to express my opinion on the matter. I have no wish to offend or persuade; I only wish to share my thoughts and feelings. And since I believe you all have your own opinions based on personal experiences and since you are entitled to express those opinions, thoughtful comments will be accepted and appreciated.

As of August 4, 2010, the California Supreme Court ruled Proposition 8 unconstitutional, and will soon enter into further conversations about equal rights for gay couples. And I have to say I am pleased. I'm an advocate for all human rights, and I believe any two consenting adults should be given the opportunity to get married. It's interesting to remember the US Supreme Court didn't end miscegenation laws until 1967, and still some states denied legal unions between blacks and whites. This prejudice was bred out of hate and ignorance, and the same issues are arising with regard to gay marriage. I honestly don't understand how allowing same-sex marriages changes anything for anyone else. Some want to promote the sanctity of marriage by preserving it for only heterosexual couples. And yet Las Vegas, Nevada has the second most weddings in the world, where most marriages are probably based on intoxication and lust and consequently don't last very long. And that promotes the sanctity of marriage? How does that make any sense?

Many people suggest civil unions and domestic partnerships as solutions to the gay marriage question. But a little research shows that these two solutions offer only a fraction of the state rights that married couples receive, and none of the federal rights. And to me, it's about more than just rights. I believe in human equality. I believe everyone should be given the same rights regardless of their race, ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation (rights can be lost based on action, but that's a different issue). We are singling out a group of people and persecuting them because of who they love. And that's not right.

I have heard people talk about how marriage (heterosexual marriage) doesn't seem to be important anymore. People are getting married later in life, divorce rates are up, and overall marriage has fallen on many people's priority lists. And yet there is an entire population of people fighting for the right to have their desire to commit be recognized and are being denied. That just doesn't make sense to me. For a community that has suffered from innumerable negative stereotypes regarding fidelity and sex, the fact that that community is fighting for commitment and loyalty should be recognized and celebrated.

While California's Supreme Court ruling is a step in (I believe) the right direction, there is still a ways to go. It's probably going to be a long and arduous journey, but I believe it will end with equal rights prevailing. That we would, in the future, continue to deny any rights to anyone based on sexual orientation is disheartening and unfortunate.

That said, I also think "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is ridiculous.

Changes

2010-08-02T13:48:00.002-06:00

I took a peek at Liz's blog this afternoon and found that she has made some changes. Thinking I would try it out, I too made some changes. However, this is probably about as much as I'm going to do. I don't care enough to change any little details or add more links or anything like that. So this is it.

I should probably write more often. The trouble is, much of what I want to write about is deeply personal and probably not very interesting to others. I have been thinking about writing posts as I finish books. That's a good idea. Maybe I'll start doing that.

Doing nothing sure exhausts the brain.

One Day Without Shoes

2010-04-08T18:33:00.004-06:00

One day I was exploring TOMS.com (an organization that gives one pair of shoes to a child in need for every pair someone purchases), looking at and admiring the shoes for sale, when I noticed a link to an event called One Day Without Shoes. Intrigued by the idea of going through a whole day without wearing shoes, I responded and pledged my support by promising to go shoeless today, April 8th. I often think about people without food or clean water, but I never think about people who have to go without shoes. Although the day is not over (I am still shoeless), I was thinking over my experience and what I learned from it.

First of all, I had no idea it was going to snow today. About two minutes after I left my house, pant legs rolled up and tender feet stinging, it began to rain. Then hail. Then snow. I came very close to giving up, turning around, and getting some shoes when I realized the point is to be uncomfortable. I managed to make it to the library and regain feeling in my toes (don't worry, I still have ten) before I headed out again to go to class. The rest of the day was spent in the Theatre building, so I didn't have to venture outside again until after class, during which the sky decided to clear up and the Sun had dried the pavement. Not many people asked about my bare feet, though I did get chastised by my Costume Fundamentals teacher for not wearing footwear in the shop. The dangers of fallen pins and needles appropriately worried her. Although I assured her it would not happen again, I thought to myself that again, the point is to have to worry about the danger. And I wasn't even walking through the hot desert or the treacherous jungle. I was walking on pavement. Every day I go throughout my life, heedless to the sharp stones, icy ground, and fallen needles because I'm wearing shoes. I don't have to think twice about it. But there are people all over the world who don't have shoes. There are children who can't go to school because they are not allowed to attend barefoot. There are people who suffer from disfiguring diseases that could have been completely prevented by wearing shoes. There are so many luxuries I enjoy simply because I have shoes.

I take far too much for granted. I worry about money, but I have everything I need. I have enough money for food, rent, clothing, and shoes. I have the academic standing and assistance to go to a great university. If I am desperately in need, I have a family to help. I have good books to read, a novel to write, and warm socks to keep my toes from falling off (which I'm not wearing now; I think that's cheating, but I do still have my toes). I have a wonderful family to love. I have incredible friends to help me through the hard times and laugh with me through the fun times. I have a cool watch. I have so much, and I realized it because I didn't wear shoes for one day.

I know in some places it's not possible to go a day without shoes (your toes really would fall off). I know your job might not allow it. I know there are limits. But it's the experience that counts. Because I went a day without shoes, I know what it's like to worry about how cold the ground is. I know what it's like to be scolded because I didn't have shoes. I walked more slowly because I had to test the ground for sharp rocks. My feet are still tender from the rough ground. But now I have a greater sense of compassion. I know food and water are not the only necessities. I know I have been blessed with great wealth and abundance. I know what it's like to have to step gingerly. I have so much, and there is so much I can give. I realized the potential I have for change. All because I walked for one day without shoes.

A Seasons for the Poem of Change

2009-11-21T16:03:00.006-07:00

The snows are mountainous
A chillness of brisk
Has aired the enter
And breathes it hard to make

It's the seasons of change
Hot chocolate for time
And quilting in snuggles
While booking a read

Hats, gloves, and scarves for time
Bundles in layers, clothing up tight
Hoods eying out from under peers
Peeks red from scarves above noses out

The best year of time is this
A pajama chance to never change out
An inside excuse to watch and stay
Movies to listen and music all day

It's the seasons of change
Thanks of a giving
Peopling the love you tell
It's timeful alive to be a wonder

Musings

2009-01-17T15:22:00.002-07:00

I am sitting in the office, wearing a long sleeve shirt and sweat pants, and drinking hot chocolate. It's 73 degrees. How pathetic. It is overcast, for the record.

So for the past month or so, we have been driving around and passing this huge tent set up the Casa Presidencial parking lot, and wondering what that was all about. And in the mall they have a big booth set up for Tihany Spectacular, and I vaguely wondered what that was all about as well. Finally I found out that the big tent was a circus, and that the sparkly booth in the mall was where you could buy tickets. Well, hearing about it from a few different people, I finally decided that I would go for two reasons. One, because I thought that it would be really fun (since what else is there to do in Teguc?) and two, because now I get to say that I say a circus in Honduras.

So we went to the circus on Wednesday. And I must say that Tihany Spectacular really lived up to its name. There was a lot of Vegas-y style dancing, with scantily clad women, most of whom didn't dance very well, but the rest was incredible. There was a lot of really really amazing acrobatics and a really funny clown that could play almost any brass instrument that exists. I should probably mention that this took place on a stage, with seats about 3/4 of the way around it, instead of in the round. There was a magician who wasn't that great, especially because he had a beautiful white tiger that looked terribly unhappy. But there were these two Mongolian guys who did these amazing acrobatics, and a small group of guys who did jumps and threw each other around and stuff. And this gymnast who was my favourite, where it was just her and a rope and her beautiful long straight blonde hair, and she climbed and fell and swung and it was amazing. I felt like a kid again, which may be in part because I ate about 80% of a gigantic stick of cotton candy. But it was wonderful, and if I had more money I would consider going again before it leaves town. I'll just have to wait for Cirque Du Soleil, I guess.

Drastic change of subject...

I was thinking the other day about how I don't know if we can ever really know anyone. I mean, everyone has secrets. In the language of Dr. House, everybody lies. No matter how well you think you know someone, there is always something that they will hide. Maybe I'm just being cynical. Maybe because I have so many secrets, I just assume that everyone else does as well. I'm pretending, so I think everyone else is. I don't know.

I wish there was more to say. My journal is filled with pages and pages of the same things. I have the same worries and the same thoughts. I am excited to go back to the States. To go back home. Where something will happen to me that I can write about. Where I can make friends and tell funny stories about work. I am most excited to see Liz and Jenny and Nelli and go to Vegas with Jillian and be with the people I love most.

Maybe someday I'll stop pretending. Maybe someday I will have no secrets. Maybe someday I'll stop worrying.

Today, however...

Selfish

2009-01-16T09:01:00.002-07:00

I wrote a poem that is not to be shared
For in the sharing I would be sharing
something that I cannot share
Someday I will share what I now cannot share
But for now I will be selfish
And so I will share what I can share
And in the sharing feel that I am sharing
The secrets that one day I will share
But for now I will be selfish

"We never hide from history. We make history." -Sen. John McCain

2008-11-05T10:39:00.006-07:00

Last night, Americans made history by electing the first African-American President, Barack Hussein Obama, the 44th President of the United States. Last night, Americans proved that they can do anything they set their minds to. And last night, Americans showed their intelligence and diligence by voting for change.

And I learned something last night. I have had my moments of cynicism and skepticism; I have doubted the faith of the American people and their ability to motivate themselves for good. But last night I learned that the people of the United States of America are ready for change. I learned that if they feel strongly enough, Americans will have their voices heard and their ballots counted. I learned that it doesn't matter if you're black or white, male or female, gay or straight; we can all come together and make something happen. And I learned that even though we made it this far, we know that the road ahead is long and treacherous. We know that our work isn't done. It's just beginning. We know that the change that we have longed for is still to come, and that we cannot just go home and sit idly by now that we have elected a new President. Our greatest work is yet to come.

I have not worked as long and as hard as many Americans in bringing this to pass, but I did my small part. I donated my small amount of money, I voted in my state, and I eagerly told anyone who would listen my reasons for supporting our President Elect. And I eagerly look forward to doing my small part in the weeks, months, and years to come. But I am glad to know, that even though the true test lies ahead, that we have taken the first step to making our world a little better.

If you didn't get a chance to see or hear it, I strongly suggest reading both John McCain's concession speech and Barack Obama's acceptance speech. Both moved and inspired me, and I have learned countless things from both of these men as they campaigned together these long months.

Our journey is far from over, and our tasks are piling before us. The worst and hardest days are yet to come, but I will stand with my fellow Americans to see that change is brought to pass. We cheered and cried last night, and today we will plan. I know that the iron-willed and strong-hearted people of the United States of America have voted into the White House change that we can believe in.

We will stand with our families and see our love strengthen. We will stand with our neighbors and see our cities grow. We will stand with our President Elect and see our nation flourish. We will stand with our country and see the world change.

Because we know that we have the power to change the world for good. We know that our future can only be brighter. We know, because Americans are the people who can bring change to our nation.

Yes, we can.

"When I came home from prison..."

2008-09-28T16:00:00.004-06:00

The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of the writer.

Sorry, Mr. McCain. I can't let that go. I laughed when you said that. I know it's not funny that you were a prisoner of war, but maybe you should have said that instead of seeming to elude to a stain in your past.

The debate was fun to watch. I watched the beginning and then had to stop to eat dinner, but then we went over to Nathan's and had a debate watching party. We enjoyed watching the little audience reaction graph at the bottom of the screen, mainly because we didn't really know how it worked and because we liked watching it spike when Obama spoke, and then curve down whenever McCain opened his mouth. Again, sorry. But I was a little disappointed in Obama, with the whole bracelet thing. Big deal. You're above that. But it was a lot of fun, and I'm excited to see more.

On that note, I received my absentee ballot last week and I voted today! I'm so excited about this election (though, unfortunately, I could care less who is going to be the new Director of Zone 4. I don't even know what that means), and I'm excited that I can vote and make a difference. Well, hopefully make a difference. We'll see who actually gets elected.

What I'm really excited for, is the Vice Presidential debate this next Thursday. Joe Biden is going to eat Sarah Palin alive and (unfortunately or not) it's probably going to be funny. Sorry again, McCain, but just because Sarah Palin is a woman, does not mean that I will vote for you. You insult me by assuming that any woman in the White House is the right woman. Frankly, I am terrified that he will get elected and then something will happen to him and Sarah Palin will be leading our nation. I'm all for women in leadership, but not women who deny knowledge of the charging of rape kits in their city, and women who refuse to speak with the media so that we actually have an idea of what they know (those are the same person, by the way).

Finally, I wish to extend a heart-felt thanks to Tina Fey, whose brilliant and somewhat uncanny representation of Sarah Palin on SNL brought joy to my heart and laughter to my lips. Thank you for returning to the show to give us an accurately ridiculous interpretation of the hockey mom who should not be a Vice Presidential candidate. I salute you, Tina Fey.

For all of you who wish to view this gem, here is the link (I can't figure out how to post the video on here, sorry). Tina Fey as Sarah Palin. SNL might just be funny again.

Thank you all for tuning in to the political views of Rebekah Jon Whittaker. Tune in next week for more somewhat biased and not-totally-researched opinions on the future of our government. Till then, shalom!

And don't forget: "I can see Russia from my house!"

One more week...

2008-09-18T20:54:00.004-06:00

...and a thousand more fingerprints. I'm very tired, and I hope that I find out if I'm hired again soon. That way I can plan my vacation, and I'll be getting paid more (which is a definite bonus).

I watched the Hours a couple of weeks ago. I just finished reading the book again, and although I liked the movie for itself, I really disliked it as a film of the novel. Everything was all wrong. I understand that it's very hard to make a film out of a book that is mostly thoughts and ideas with hardly any dialogue, but nothing was as it should be. The casting was wrong, the characters were wrong, even the whole theme was slightly off. It lacked...sincerity. Or reality. Something was missing, something that made it a genuine story of three women whose lives are intricately connected. I didn't like it. I was also suddenly struck with how much I do not think that Meryl Streep is pretty. Not at all. Her mouth is too small. How strange. But there were a few things that I liked about the movie. The music was phenomenal. I thought that it fit the film perfectly. And Nicole Kidman. She was absolutely brilliant. She was the only part of the movie that I thought fit right. I couldn't even really tell that it was her. Because it wasn't her. It was Virginia Wolff. She was absolutely incredible, and watching her was the best part of the movie. The rest of it was ok, but nothing like the book. And now I almost regret seeing it because I don't want to associate the two. Oh well. It is done, and I have my opinion.

I also just watched the Great Mouse Detective. Now there is a great movie. Not only is the casting phenomenal, but the style and the music (oh, the music!) is tremendous. Quite a nifty little film, though I can see how I was so scared of the Big Ben scene at the end. It is a little frightening.

I have been having such strange dreams lately. There was the one a couple of nights ago, where I dreamed that there was a man standing at the side of my bed, wearing a white lab coat, and for some reason I was really scared that he was there. I kept trying to turn on the light so that I could see better, but the electricity wasn't working (this was also the morning that my set alarm clock didn't go off), so I woke up really scared and I couldn't sleep for a long time. Then I had one another night where I was at a high school, visiting some old friends or teachers or something, and I was wearing this weird 80's outfit. The part I remember the most was we were standing in line in the cafeteria, and I climbed up on a railing and looked over a counter to where Sara (from La Grande) was sitting on the ground with an Asian-looking girl and they had somehow gotten cake on each other. I laughed and said that they should rub it on each other, and some small middle school boys said, "yeah, that would be hot." I climbed back down and turned around to the line again, a little annoyed, mostly because I had been thinking the same thing. Then last night I had a really weird dream, where I was trying on all of these different sun dresses (I liked the green one best, but it had long sleeves, so I got the white one) and hanging out by a pool with all of these weird popular people. Then there was an area of the house that used to be a kitchen (but was now separated) and it was filled with snow and there was a young boy huddling on the ground in there. I took his face in my hands and I asked him if he was homeless. He said yes, and so I had the kitchen rebuilt for him (it was kind of like those sped-up parts of movies) so he could live there. The last part I remember of the dream was that Liz and I were cleaning out a cave filled with trash that had belonged to Davey, that we were using for some reason, and there were a bunch of people with Horner Hornets sweatshirts and beanies. That's all I remember. Weird, huh? I wouldn't want it any other way.

Well, I guess I'd better be going. I'm trying to decide if I want to stay up and watch the final two episodes of the first season of House, but since tomorrow is Saturday, what the heck? Why not? So, till later, my friends! I'm off to O.D. on House, M.D.! Shalom!

9/11

2008-09-11T19:01:00.000-06:00

The world is unfair. Things like going to the dentist and shaving your legs are such ordinary things, so mundane, while there are people who woke up this morning crying because there is someone missing in the bed next to them, or in the next room, or down the street. There are people crying because two towers fell this morning, and I cried for one quiet moment before going back to taking fingerprints to allow people into the United States. There are people crying because they were there this morning, walking to work or buying breakfast, and they saw the smoke and the fire and the planes.

The world is cruel. I thought, how I hoped, that I would be one of those people who goes their entire life without seeing a dead body. And yet as we passed that bus that had crashed into the mountain and saw that car that no one could have survived in, I saw the man sprawled on the street and I cried. I cried because seven years ago today thousands of people lost their lives clinging to steel and concrete and hundreds of people gave their lives digging through the rubble to bring pieces of their loved ones home. For seven years people have been trying to forget and struggling to remember the last thing they said to their husband or their wife, their sister or brother, their mother, their father, their aunt, their uncle, their cousin, their next door neighbor, and the man they never invited to their parties. For seven years the rest of us have been living our lives, laughing just as loudly, cursing just as strongly, hating just as fiercely. Shouldn't we be speaking less, crying more? Why did we survive and they die? Why were our meaningless lives spared when, seven years ago today, innocent men and women had their lives stolen from them in a cruel and painful way? How can we live our insignificant lives while people are crying because seven years ago today, they stared in horror as the tower that held their loved one crumbled?

The world is distant. I wasn't there this morning, when the sky was filled with smoke and fire and the screams of dying souls. I wasn't there when the buildings fell and the streets jammed and the calls kept coming. I wasn't there when the flag was flown and the police and firemen and volunteers swarmed over the smoldering ruins to find those who survived and the bits of those who didn't. And I'm not there now, while the nation stops in silence for the men and women who died seven years ago, and for the men and women who have died fighting since.
But I was there when the museums and monuments was built. I was there when that woman told us about her son, the man with the red bandanna, who rescued countless people and never made it out. I was there when the other woman told us about how she used to work on the 93rd floor of that tower, and how her department had moved to a different building a week before the towers fell. I was there when there was a hole in the sky and the blue shone down where there should have been towers. I was there, and I cried.

Why do they call it Labour Day when you get the day off of work?

2008-09-04T15:34:00.018-06:00

I am sorry that it has been so long since my last post. Life has been very busy and very tiring, and I just haven't gotten around to posting. I am sorry that I didn't report on the Copan trip in detail, but there are pictures on my Facebook if you want to look at those (and more coming soon!). And there will be more pictures from this trip; one of the guides brought a camera and he's going to give us all of the pictures he took soon. And he took some very good ones. And also please ignore any typos or spelling errors. I'm tired and too lazy to read through this whole thing to check for errors or edit my sentences. Usually I like to do that (I generally don't like the first drafts of my work), but not today.

But now on to the last trip! Since last weekend was a three-day weekend, Mary and Dad and I were kind of discussing what we should do on Monday. We never really talked about it, though I suggested going up to La Tigra to go hiking, because Melissa didn't have the day off of school (she has half of the American holidays and half of the Honduran holidays; it's strange). So I was just planning on some sort of day trip. However, on Thursday or Friday Melissa and I were informed that we were going to Tela for the whole three-day weekend, and that we were leaving Saturday at 7:00 am. I had been receiving emails all week (as did everyone else in the Embassy) from the Spanish Instructor about this Spanish Immersion tour that was going to Tela for the weekend. Tela is on the north coast of Honduras, about a 5 1/2 hour very bumpy bus ride from Teguc. I didn't think we were going, because it was very expensive and the schedule was very full, and I don't really enjoy vacations where you can't sleep in or have much free time. When I found out that we were going (by telling the parents that I wanted to talk about the weekend and being informed that we had already paid for it), it wasn't going on the trip that was upsetting. It was the fact that we never discussed it as a family. I know Melissa is not technically an adult yet, but I feel that we deserve to be treated as adults and as responsible members of the family when it comes to making those sort of decisions. I was just upset that we never sat down, as a family, and said, "hey, here are our options. If we don't want to go on this trip, what else can we do?" We never had that discussion, and that (plus the fact that I had to get up earlier to go on vacation than I normally do to go to work) made us all a little grumpy come Saturday morning. (*The trip turned out all right; nothing like what I wanted, but there were some good elements.)

We were on a tour bus sort of thing, but it was kind of older, so though it did have televisions, it didn't have a bathroom and the air conditioning stopped working a couple of hours into the trip. I slept most of the way, and we stopped at a rest stop/restaurant called Bongo's for breakfast. They had a buffet style and it was actually pretty good. Their pinapple was better than it is here in Teguc. There was also a lot of cheap crap for sale, including some very ugly and very tacky t-shirts, which none of us bought. After we had satisfied our hunger, it was back on the bus to Tela! They did show a couple of movies. I didn't watch them because I was sleeping, but I think it was Evan Almighty and The Devil Wears Prada (*which is interesting, and you'll know why later).
When we finally got to Tela, we checked into the hotel, put our things in our little room (which was one of four in a sort of house; they were all next to each other and they were actually quite nice), and went to lunch. The hotel is very nice, which is probably why it was so expensive, but we were in the older part. They are remodeling and were working on some newer buildings on the other side (we never heard anything). The first thing we noticed when we got there is that it is very humid and warm. It wasn't too much of a problem, except that I was wearing jeans, one of the only two pairs of pants I had brought (which proved to be a problem) and I was anxious to get into the water. However, we had a trip planned soon after lunch.

We all got back on the bus and drove a little way out of town to a botanical park called Lancetilla. I have no idea what that means, so don't ask. We sat in the bus for almost half an hour outside of the entrance, because the guy at the front decided that there was no one in the park so it was ok to close it, and we had to argue with him to let us in. I think because of that, our visit wasn't very long. We saw this crazy tree coming in (second picture) that had all of these weird hanging bird's nests in it. The tree was standing alone in a kind of field, and we have no idea what type of birds they were or why they decided to only roost in that tree. The world sure is full of mysteries. Also, strangely, there was a lot of bamboo in this park, but it was very beautiful, and there was one section of the park where you had to walk through a tunnel of it. There was also this crazy weird spiky plant. All in all, it wasn't that exciting, but it was pretty, and it was nice to walk around after being in a car all day. When we got back, we ate dinner (all of the meals were in one restaurant, and they were all buffet, which was kind of nice) and then Melissa and I decided to go swimming. No, wait. I think we went swimming before dinner. I suppose it doesn't really matter. Anyway, it was already dark, and so we went swimming in the pool (of which there were two) and this pool was freakin' awesome. There was a little kid end, with a platform with slides, and then a middle, with bridges and a little islands with palm trees that were like showers and a slide, and then the far end, that had a volley ball net and a bar. There was also a section of the side that had fountains coming out of the ground, like the thing outside of the Crate in Medford. Melissa and I enjoyed ourselves, mostly sliding down the slide, which we discovered was really fun to do on your stomach (though it was also painful; I still have bruises on my hips). After that, we were so exhausted that we just went to bed.

The next day was very interesting, and a lot of fun. After breakfast, we took a van (*not recommended; we were sitting on benches on the side of the back of this van, and there were no seatbelts. We also took this van to "Miami.") to a place in town, right up next to a delta, where we all got life jackets and got into a boat to visit Punta Sal. However, soon after, we had to push this boat across a sand bar so that we could get into the ocean. This was actually one of my favourite parts of the trip. We had to push the boat into the waves, and I helped everyone get on, and as the waves came higher and higher, I gave my cell phone to Melissa (after realizing that it was in my pocket, which was getting covered with waves. Oops), and then when everyone was in, I jumped up into the boat. Then we drove on the open sea for about 35 minutes to get to Punta Sal. This was awesome. I have never traveled on the open sea, especially in so little of a boat (see picture below; above is Punta Sal), and it was wonderful to ride the boat and look out into the ocean and see nothing but sky and sea. I loved watching the swell bob up and down, and I realized how wonderful and loving the ocean is, and how kind of a mother she is, housing so many millions of creatures. It also made me realize that I never want to be shipwrecked on the open ocean.

This is everyone on the boat. The people in the row behind Melissa were not part of our group. They were actually engineers from Wyoming on vacation and happened to be on the same tour as us. We told them that we worked at the American Embassy, and to call us if they ever lost their passports. Punta Sal, when we got there, was very beautiful. We went right up to the shore (which was about two inches wide) and disembarked so that we could hike through the jungle. Unfortunately, nobody ever told us that were were going to be doing any hiking, and so most of us were in flip flops, and we had two broken flip flops within the first ten. I think everyone managed all right though. Our guide, Alberto, told us that generally it would be ok, but if he started running to run too, and not ask questions, because he had seen a jaguar and wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. We didn't see a jaguar. However, we did see howler monkeys, that we woke up and got yelled at by them because of it. I think one of my life goals has been fulfilled. I have seen a monkey in the wild. How cool. We did take one little detour, and went and stood in a little bay, where apparently Captain Morgan buried some treasure (which is why they really don't let anyone in there) and where the land curves around to form the bay. I was looking out of the entrance, and into the sea, and I realized that what I wanted more than anything was for a pirate ship to come around one of the sides of the bay just then. It didn't happen. When we were finished hiking, we got back in the boat and dropped the other tourists off on the other side of the island (at a house; don't worry, we didn't abandon them) and we were supposed to go snorkling there, but the water was too murky, so we ended up just going back. We helped push the boat across the bar again, but then we realized that our hotel was just down the beach, so most of us walked back.

After eating lunch and taking a short nap, we all met up again to go visit this Garifuna community called Miami. Melissa didn't go because she wasn't feeling well, and it's a good thing she didn't, because we were in that crazy van again, but this time we were driving over really bumpy, sandy roads with a crazy crazy driver. Dad (who, by the way, has a cracked rib, from falling on it while playing Ultimate Frisbee) was in a lot of pain, so he rode back in the nice truck. That had seat belts. And air conditioning. But Miami was ok. It was really awkward, because there weren't a lot of people around, and we literally just walked through their living spaces. Each family would have a different building for cooking, for sleeping, for gathering, and we just kind of walked through it all. It was awkward. And there were lots of sand fleas and I got bitten up the wazoo, because although I did put bug spray on, I then rolled up my pants and took off my shoes. Silly me. Above is a picture of the little village.

After walking around for approximately fifteen minutes, we got into another boat, and this time toured a lagoon. It was rather pretty, but by that time I was really tired and a little sick of boats, but everyone was going so I didn't have much of a choice. We saw these cool tangle root trees in the water (above) and then we saw some cool birds (mostly egrets, pelicans, and cormorants, but we did see this cool pink bird, that had a flat beak). The best part about that trip was that the sun was setting behind the edge of the lagoon, so we got some good pictures of that (the first one, and then I like this one because of the pelican in it). So by the time we got back into the cars to leave, it was dark. Our van got stuck (of course), so we had to all help push it out, and then we got to drive back on that same bumpy road, only this time in the dark, which is a lot scarier in my opinion. However, we made it safely back to the hotel, with just enough time for dinner. When we got to the restaurant, however, we found that it was no longer buffet style, and we were the only ones there. I think it was because since it was an American holiday tomorrow, we were staying an extra day, but all of the Hondurans had to go back to work. But I had some Parmesan chicken and a virgin lime margarita and quite enjoyed myself. Melissa and I were going to go on a walk after dinner, but it was really dark on the beach and crabs kept pinching her (her, not me) and so we just went to bed.
But you see, a vacation at the beach is not a vacation at the beach until you go swimming in the ocean. We had no time to do that before, because we were always off doing other things, but I was determined to spend time in the Caribbean before I left.

And so, the next morning, even though I could have slept in, I got up early and went to breakfast so that I could play in the ocean before we left that morning at ten. I should have gotten up earlier, because breakfast took longer than I thought it would (pancakes with cinnamon sugar; I've never tried that before, and it's really good) and so we got a grand total of 45 minutes in the water. Pooh. But it was enjoyable while it lasted. We swam out to meet the waves, and toward the end, the tide was coming out and so we would be pushed toward the shore by the incoming waves and then (sometime simultaneously) we would be pushed back towards the ocean by the outgoing waves. The water wasn't really clear, but it was still refreshing and still fun.

After playing in the water, we went back to our rooms, showered and packed, and then got back on the bus to go home. Another long drive, and this time they only played one movie (Ratatouille, which is a really good movie) and we got home at about six in the evening. Long day, long trip, and even though it wasn't ideal, there were some elements that I enjoyed, and so it was all right. This is a picture of me and Dad swimming in the ocean. Go Melissa (she took the picture) for getting the big boat in the background. And now that I'm looking at this picture, I am realizing how strange and fake Dad and I look. We look like Legos. And our arms are at almost the exact same angle. Weird. So yeah. It wasn't the best trip and I wish we had discussed our options before diving into something like this, but it was kind of fun. And we got to practice our Spanish a little bit with people from the North Coast (who are hard to understand, for me) and with the Spanish instructor.
Well, I guess that's it for now. I was going to write about a couple more things, but this is long enough as it is, and it would be changing the subject, so I won't go into that. Stay tuned for now, and you can always go on Facebook to see more pictures. I love you all, and hope you enjoy reading about my adventures! Oh, and I'll get some pictures of the house up here soon. Love to all! Shalom.

"The sky is the daily bread of the eyes." Ralph Waldo Emerson

2008-07-16T09:57:00.008-06:00

"I thank you God for most this amazing day, for the leaping greenly spirits of trees, and for the blue dream of sky and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes." e.e. cummings

This is the view I have from my window. Beautiful, isn't it? At night I can see all of the lights glittering on the hills, and in the evening, right when I get home, the sky is filled with the last rays of sunlight as the sun disappears behind the hill that faces my window. I am very lucky.

Last weekend was rather fun. After we cleaned the house, I went and hung out with Lili, the girl that I met at Zamorano, who is here teaching someone's children Chinese. It took us about twenty minutes to find each other, because since I don't have a cell phone yet, we expected to just meet at a certain place. Well, our family got to that certain place (late, of course), and while we were driving up, we saw her standing outside waiting. And then, somehow, in the time that it took us to drive up there and drop me off, she disappeared. So I stood and waited for her (this was at the entrance to the mall, which is right across the street from the hotel) and then I wandered over to the hotel to look and then wandered back and then finally saw her coming out of the mall. Apparently she went to go walk around while waiting and we couldn't get in contact with each other. But after that, it was great. We went swimming at the Inter-Continental (we just walked in; no one seemed to notice. Or care) which was very pleasant, though slightly awkward because there was some sort of reception going on with lots of people dressed up nicely and lots of food that we wanted to eat. Then we went to the mall and walked around and talked. We thought about going and seeing a movie, but for some reason the lines at the ticket window were horrendously long (well, it's probably because there's nothing else to do on a Saturday around here) and so we decided against that. We walked around outside, over by PriceSmart and Payless and found a little bakery where we got a delicious dessert (we didn't know what it was called; we just pointed and said "uno"). It had layers of yummy, flaky pastry dough with caramel in between, and then white chocolate drizzled with milk chocolate on top. It was delectable. We ate outside on the little balcony (which was covered, luckily) and talked and watched the rain pour down. It was raining really really heavily, when all of a sudden we saw a bright flash, and then heard a loud boom as we watched a transformer, just down the street from us, explode. We had no idea what really happened; we thought it might have been struck by lightning, but I've never seen lightning in this country before, so I don't know. The lights went out in the stores (surprise, surprise) and we just kind of sat there in shock for a moment. It was kind of cool though, because it immediately bonded us with the people who were sitting at the table next to us. Even though we didn't speak each other's language, everyone recognizes the language of fear and surprise, and we all laughed together about the crazy experience we shared.

We split up soon after that. We walked around the mall again (oh, side note: The power goes off frequently here, and most large stores and houses have huge, car-sized generators to keep the electricity going. That's what it was like in the mall. Most of the stores didn't have lights, but the main lights were on because the generator was going. We could barely hear each other) and counted the number of Dunkin' Donuts inside. I was wrong. It was only five. We took Lili home after that. She lives really close to me, and so we hope that we can do a lot more before she leaves in a couple of months.

Speaking of which, we are doing something together this weekend. We are going to Copan. The family that Lili works for has time off this weekend, and so she was going to take a trip to see the Copan Ruins, and invited me to go with her. Those sort of trips are much more fun with another person, anyway. So I easily got Thursday and Friday off of work, and we're leaving tomorrow at like, 6:00 in the morning to take a bus to San Pedro Sula, and then get on another bus for another couple of hours to get to Copan. It's about a seven hour trip, but I'll sleep most of the way and then be awake for us to do fun things tomorrow afternoon. I'm very excited. It's very safe (since it's mostly back-packing and hiking tourists) and we can go walking around without worrying. It's going to be very nice. I'm taking to camera, so I'll be sure to take lots of pictures and post them soon after I get back! We can go horseback riding, and touch ruins, and look at birds and stuff. My weekend is going to ROCK!

I know that some of you already know this, but I'm currently in the process of enrolling at the Animal Behaviour College, where I will soon be certified as an official dog obedience trainer. I was just filling out the loan application and getting all my enrollment information in order so that I can start my classes here online! I'm very excited, and it's going to be a really great job once I get back to the States. I'm hoping that I'll be able to create a stable work schedule so that I can earn money for college, and then still work part-time once I'm in classes again. I am very happy, and I can't remember the last time I was this excited to be in school and learning about something. I hope to go back and live in Alameda once I'm ready to complete my volunteering and externship, and that I can have my own place and live comfortably and happily (because, hopefully, I'll have my own furniture and money to buy food).

I just finished reading three books (in a record amount of time, I must say) that I have to recommend. I borrowed them from Lisa, our neighbor, because as much as I love Sherlock Holmes, there is only so much of it you can read at one time. I read the Alchemist first, and it was simply amazing. It is an intellectual and spiritual journey that engages you right from the beginning, and I hope to own it someday. The next book, The House of the Spirits, was so good that I finished all 420+ pages in five days because I simply could not put it down. It is incredibly well-written, and the story is very...pressing. Yesterday (Liz will like this one) I just finished the Lovely Bones, which I'm sure she's been trying to get me to read for at least a year. I loved it. The ideas involved are so complex and yet so simple, and the whole concept is fascinating. I really enjoyed it, and so I am passing on the recommendation. Even though I did get my book club books in the mail this week, I'm going to read the last book that I borrowed from Lisa, Love in the Time of Cholera. I'm really catching up on my Latin and South American authors. I read quickly, so I'm sure I can read the book club book for August in time for the meeting (the Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, which I've already read, but quite some time ago).

I think that's all I have to say for now. I love you all, and I hope that you enjoy these little reports on how I'm doing and what I do in the few hours of free time I have. I hope that you are all doing well, and I hope that you find inspiration in your own lives, whether it comes from reading a good book, spending time with a friend, or simply gazing at a beautiful sky. Shalom!

"One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things." ~ Henry Miller

2008-07-08T13:36:00.000-06:00

Hello again, to all my fine friends and family! I seem to have received some positive feedback on the last post, so here we go again! I must apologize if I leave things out that you are curious about; feel free to ask questions, because even though it's only been a week, things move pretty quickly so it's easy to lose track.

Ok. In order for these pictures to make sense chronologically, I must backtrack a little. As I think I mentioned before, we arrived in Tegucigalpa on a Friday in the early afternoon. We unpacked, freshened up, and were immediately invited to a barbeque that our neighbors (Justin and Lisa) were having that night. We were able to meet a lot of nice people and learn about the area and what to do and it was really nice to feel like we have some people we can go to with questions and what not. Saturday we spent all day shopping. Chad, one of our sponsors, took us to the grocery store (La Colonia) and the PriceSmart, where we bought enough to last us a couple of weeks. The problem is, since we're living in temporary housing, we don't want to stock up on food and have to move it all, so we go grocery shopping pretty often. But it was a long and tiring day. Sunday another Embassy employee, Rachel, took us and her adorable little daughter Antonia to a village called Valle de Angeles. Valley of Angels. We ate at a little restaurant that I think has been there since the town was first built, and then wandered around for a bit before it was time for Antonia's nap. Valle is a beautiful little place with cobblestone roads and a pleasant little square to relax in. It's kind of a tourist stop, with mostly tourists and missionaries going through, but it's very pretty and you can buy all the souvenirs you like at quite inexpensive prices. I definitely want to go back someday. Here's a picture down one of the streets. It also poured that day, so we ate lunch first to wait till it let up, and just when we were getting ready to go, we lingered over a conversation, and it started again and we had to wait even longer. But it was very sunny and fresh after that.

Our next big adventure came on Monday, when Dad and I started work. We lingered just inside the Embassy for a while, waiting to see if we should just go and explore or wait for someone to find us, when someone came (I don't remember who now) and found us, and took me to the HR Office so I could check in, and Dad around to where he needed to go. I waited in the HR Office for a while for someone from AID to come get me, after filling out some more paperwork and getting my fingers printed (which is really complicated, though it seems so simple) and then I pretty much hung out all day in the Trade, Environment,and Agriculture office where I now work. I have my own office, and my own computer, where I write emails and surf the web all day because I haven't been given much to do. They try to help me out and give me files to organize and papers to copy, but there's a woman who used to work here who is really supposed to show me what to do. She works in another department now, and just hasn't found the time to come down and show me the ropes. I hope she will soon, otherwise I have to ask to switch to part-time or temporarily suspend my employment, because I don't feel comfortable being paid to use the Internet and read all day. So we'll see what happens in the next week or so. That's about all I'm going to say about work, because really, there's not much else to say. Except that Dad and I ate lunch in the cafeteria for the first few days as we were settling into the new house, and we soon heard of the ever famous tortilla soup day (which, incidentally, is Tuesday, but I brought my lunch today). So we dutifully got our tortilla soup and it was amazing. They fill the bowl with chicken, tortilla strips, cheese (which was really salty and squeeky), and cilantro before pouring the actual soup in, so it's packed with yummy things and not just broth. It was really good. Everything else we've had there has been ok. Not great, but not awful. Thursday we had our security and health briefings, so Mary and Melissa came in for that day. The guy giving the security seminar was really not totally there mentally, but it's the guy whose house we're going to live in and it was his last day, so we didn't really mind. We had heard most of it at the Security Seminar at F.S.I. anyway. The health briefing was ok, though by that time I was dead tired, but the lady who gave it was really nice. We talked about bugs and the lack of rabies vaccine and dengue and which hospitals are the best in this area. Quite informative.

Friday was no work day! Hurrah for the Fourth of July! The Ambassador was having a big reception at his house that day, but we weren't invited (probably because we haven't been around long enough) and so we went to the mall and saw a movie. I wore my College Democrats shirt to feel semi-patriotic, and we randomly met a guy in an ice-cream shop who served his mission here and is now stationed here for the...Navy? I don't remember. Something like that. But that was at the end of our trip. At the beginning, we wandered around the mall looking for shoes and slacks that I can wear to work (no luck so far), but the mall is huge. And there are at least six Dunkin' Donuts in there. Then we went to the movies, which is also in the mall. They had four movies playing: Wall-E, Kung Fu Panda, Hancock, and Get Smart (which goes in this country as Secret Agent 86). I wanted to watch Wall-E, but both the cartoons were dubbed, so we had to choose between Hancock and Get Smart, which were both in English with Spanish subtitles. None of us were too interested in Hancock (we've heard that although the effects are amazing, the plot kind of sucks) and I wasn't too interested in Get Smart, but we watched that and it was actually a lot funnier than I thought it would be. Some jokes were a little excessive, but I enjoyed it more than I thought I would. Not the original, but pretty good anyway.

Saturday we took a bus at 10:30 to this agricultural college called Zamorano for a Fourth (or really Fifth) of July celebration. It was a little different than we expected, but it was still a lot of fun. This is a picture of some of the scenery going up to the campus.

Here's another picture from the drive. This is on my side of the bus, but I don't remember this picture at all, so Dad must have taken it. I think it's pretty cool. Lots of pine trees.

At this celebration there were food tents, craft tents, chess tents, a paintball arena, a motorcycle and car exhibition, sports, and cool stuff for kids (like horseback riding, teeter-totters, and a big blow up jumpy house thing). We didn't have much time when we first got there, because Dad was manning the Absentee Ballot Registration table at noon, so we wandered around looking at food and stuff and then I went to help him for a while. We ate lunch when his hour was up, and were about to find the horse jumping exhibition (that had just been announced), when we found out that the helicopters that were on display were taking off soon because of the weather. So we went and watched that, and I must say that it was pretty amazing. Here's one of the helicopters they had. These are US Military vehicles, by the way.

Here's the other one. I must admit, I had a hard time looking at that thing and imagining it getting off the ground, let alone flying away. But it did just that, and they circled around us and waved and then flew off into the distance. It was pretty rad. And windy.

After that, we asked someone about the horse jumping exhibition, and that someone pointed in one direction though we really ended up going somewhere else, because the direction that person pointed evidently led to nowhere. We ran into Justin and Lisa coming from the way we were headed, and they pointed us to where the rest of the campus was and where the horses probably were, though they suspected it was a pretty far walk from there. Which was true. But we walked around the campus for a while when we saw that apparently everything had ended before we got there (including the soccer and softball games), but the area was so pleasant we didn't really mind. It is a beautiful campus. I would like to go there just to be in that environment. Everyone in the Embassy likes to go there because they can walk around and it's very pretty. It's got a hotel and a pool if you want to stay, and I hear you can go horseback riding for quite inexpensively. And not on a trail, either. Just riding where you want to go. I guess provided that you don't get lost. You probably have a guide anyway. I don't know. I need to check it out. So we walked around, saw that there was a soccer game going on (it looked like a community team) and so we tried watching for a while, but the sun was very very hot on our arms, so we left. We had sunscreen, but the Honduran sun is very strong sometimes. So we wandered back, making sure to stop by the chapel that Lisa had told us about earlier. And it was gorgeous. The stained glass windows are scenes from agriculture and the school, the sides are all open air, and the woodwork on the ceiling is simply amazing. There's a balcony with really old benches, and access to the bell rope for the bell tower. We didn't ring it. We just sat there for a while, admiring the handiwork and watching the kittens that were sleeping in the pews. There were three, and they looked quite unhealthy, but truthfully those are the first cats we've seen in this country. Though I'm going to try and adopt a cat from a woman who's leaving for another post pretty soon. Our new house has a big yard, and if I can't get a dog, maybe I can get a cat. But here's a quick (and unfortunately, small) view of the chapel. It's also non-denominational.

I wish all of Honduras looked like Zamorano, but I guess we can't have everything. After that, we headed back to the main Student Center where the booths were, and just hung around until the bus was ready to leave at 5. We found some ice cream, and bought some Zamorano products, like wheat bread, mango jam, and honey. We already buy Zamorano milk here in town. Here's a picture of the Absentee Ballot booth, and, from left to right, is a girl that I don't know filling out an application, Sarah, Chad (they're married, and they're our sponsors) and that's Justin actually looking at the camera. Oh, one detail about Justin and Lisa that I failed to mention before. Justin is tall. Like, really tall. Like, 6'7" tall. Our whole family feels very intimidated standing next to him. But Lisa, his wife, is probably 5'4" or so. It's quite strange, but they are very cute together, and we're glad they are our neighborinos.

One final picture of the Student Center where the celebration was held, and that's it for Zamorano. Oh! No, it's not. Rachel found us and told me about a girl who was my age who was here teaching some woman's child Chinese, and that she didn't really know anyone here. So it wasn't until about 4:30 that we found her and we introduced ourselves and started talking. Her name is Lili, and she's been here about two weeks now and starting to get bored with not being able to really go anywhere. So she gave me her email and we plan on doing something together at some point. And if we don't feel safe, we can always call the Marines to come do something with us. I should probably email her soon. But that was nice. She seems like a really cool girl.

Well, that's about it! We went to church on Sunday, though only sacrament meeting, and afterwards drove around familiarizing ourselves with the city. Wait. I think I said that in the last entry. Oh well, you can hear it again. I'm at work again now, filling the time by writing in my blog, which I hope you all enjoy. I know I'll have at least one picture the next time I post, because the sky was really pretty outside my window yesterday so I took a picture. But I'll keep you updated, and write in the next week or so! I love you all, and sincerely hope that you are doing well whatever you're doing and in whatever country you're in, and I wish you love and happiness! Shalom!

"This wasn't a strange place; it was a new one." ~ The Alchemist

2008-07-07T14:03:00.000-06:00

Hi-diddly-ho, good neighborinos! That's a phrase that our dear friends and neighbors Justin and Lisa use every time they see us (namely Justin). They have an adorable little 6-month-old named Jonas, who looks remarkably like Jack-Jack, and who really likes Dad. They have been kind enough to help us through our move here, including letting us use their phone and internet (and now their books) at our whim. They are very nice and live just a few houses down from us.
But, let's start from the beginning. I'll try to be as detailed as I can, but I have some pictures to help chronicle the adventure that was our move to Tegucigalpa, Honduras! Also, please excuse any typos, as it's hard to stare at a computer screen for so long without losing a little focus. But first of all, we spent two nights in Miami, Florida before flying out, and they were remarkably unexciting. We went swimming in the hotel's very small pool, saw the bay at Coconut Grove, and ate at a cool restaurant that was right next to the airport. Other than that, we mostly slept and made sure we had our passports and luggage all ready to go.

Here is a picture of all of our luggage waiting to go to the airport in Miami, ready to fly out to Honduras. Twelve suitcases in all. You can imagine how annoying it was to drag those around two airports for three days. Luckily we checked all of them except for our carry-on's. It was still a pain.

We got to the airport at about 11:30, and our flight was scheduled for about 1, but when we got there, the woman who checked our bags told us that the flight was boarding at noon! Ah! We still hadn't eaten, so we were planning to go through security, eat our lunch, and then be ready to board the plane. So we rushed through security as quickly as was humanly possible (which wasn't very quickly, as you can imagine) and when we got to the counter for our flight, we found out that the plane was delayed and wasn't even going to be there for another hour and a half! At least we had time for lunch. We didn't get on the plane till about two, sat on it for about an hour, and then we finally took off. Now this plane ride was far from pleasant. First of all, there were three very small boys sitting behind Mary, Melissa and I, and they were banging their tray tables around and kicking our seats until I was ready to burst. It really wasn't that bad, because once the plane got going and the movie started, they quited down soon enough. However, I would have taken the kids any day over what else we had to endure. As soon as we took off (literally, as soon as we took off), the man in front of Melissa (who was in the middle) began throwing up. And he threw up the entire way there. I felt sorry for him, and I felt sorry for us, and I especially felt sorry for the people sitting next to him. We got the sound, and the smell, and it was just awful. I can't stand that sound, so I had to plug my ears every time he threw up. It was extremely unpleasant. So I would have much preferred the kids kicking my chair the whole way rathar than have that guy in front of us. Luckily, it was only about a two hour flight. Which also means, that we left Miami at about 3:15, and arrived in San Pedro Sula at about 3:30! Honduras runs on Mountain Time, so don't get confused.

When our driver's came to pick us up, we flew threw customs, waiting about a decade for all of our suitcases, and promptly found out that because we had arrived so late, and because it was such a long drive to Tegucigalpa, we had to spend the night somewhere about half-way. Apparently they didn't want us driving at night, because it's extremely dangerous and there is barely any visibility.

We were told that we were going to spend the night at a hotel called Las Brisas del Lago, or the Breezes of the Lake. However, no one could seem to tell us where it was, so we drove back and forth (in the dark, literally and figuratively) for about an hour, asking at least three people where the hotel was, before we were directed down a dark and sinister side street, and thirty bumpy and nerve-wracking minutes later we finally found the hotel. It looked like it had once been a very nice place (in the 70's, probably), and there was no one there. I guess since it's rainy season there aren't many tourists around, but it was still a little disheartening. After a quiet and small dinner in the large dining room (with a huge window where you could see the lake, when it was light outside), we retired to our room, where I was delighted to find this clock hanging on our wall.

Unfortunately, the flash blocked out the words, and I can't remember what it said, but it was pretty cool. I definitely felt protected all night. There were also these two completely inexplicable paintings on the walls of the rooms. The rooms were connected, with a big entryway in between (no door) and above Melissa and my beds was a pastel painting of flowers that looked like it had been drawn by a five-year-old. However, the painting above the parents' bed is impossible to describe. It was pink, purple, and light green painted in a sort of hilly pattern with strange black dots periodically dotting the borders. We really couldn't figure out what it was supposed to be, even after throwing ideas around every time we happened to glance at it, so we just ended up trying to ignore it as best as we could.

There are a couple things that are vital to know about this country. First of all, in this (the rainy) season, it gets dark at about 6:30 in the evening and light at about 4:30 in the morning. The second thing to know is that there are many beautiful and interesting birds in this country, that make the most obnoxious noises known to man. For example, while staying at this hotel, we were all rudely awakened at about 4:00 in the morning by a bird whose melodious timbre was extrodinarily similar to that of an alarm clock. I, for one, could not imagine why anyone would set their alarm for so early, until I realized that it wasn't stopping and that it must be some ungodly creature from the natural world. I covered my ears and tried to go back to sleep. Here in Tegucigalpa, while not only finding it impossible to sleep at all, the birds begin their song at about 3:00 in the morning, and I can't close my windows because I don't have an air conditioner in my room. Ah well. Such is life.

On with the story. Despite being old and inhabited with obnoxious birds, the hotel offered a view of the lake (Lake Yojoa) that was very beautiful. This was the view from our hotel room.

While Melissa and I were getting ready for the second leg of our driving tour through Honduras, Dad and Mary took a walk and took these lovely pictures. This is a ginormous grasshopper that they found chillin' on the cement.

This is a gorgeous picture of the lake from the back of the hotel.

I love this picture. I especially love the horse in it.

Now, mind you, not all of Honduras looks like this. Zamorano does, but we'll get to that later. I wish it did, but there are many places where people just dump their garbage on the side of the road and create car dumps on the sides of mountains. At first I had the thought that most of Honduras looks alike (with the old, tin roof houses and the laundry hanging out in the rain) but I soon realized that even though it was all of the same nature, every little village and every little town we passed through was different. I never got tired of seeing the kids in uniform, the horses and donkeys tied to the side of the road, the chickens, pigs, and cows wandering loose, and the skinny dogs lying in the shade. I wish I could have taken more pictures, but sometimes it was raining so hard you couldn't see out of the windows, and sometimes we just drove by too fast.

That's another thing about this country. There are zero driving laws. Actually, I think that the only thing you can get a ticket for (let alone be pulled over for) is talking on your cell phone while driving. Which I really haven't seen any of here. Everything else is legit. Lanes are really guidelines, people are always honking (though it's really to let you know that they are there) and speed limits are non-existant. I've heard someone describe it this way. "In Honduras, it's not like people are angry drivers. It's not road rage. It's like a mathematical problem. They are just trying to see how many cars can fit into a given space." And that's pretty much it. It's really more confusing than dangerous, anyway. The city has no plan. Someone just built a house here and someone else built a business there, and it all just kind of sprang up wherever it wanted to. Our task of driving around isn't quite so bad, because we have a set area that contains everything we need, and we are strongly recommended to not drive around those other areas. Yesterday, we went on a driving expedition (it's not so bad Saturday mornings and all Sunday) and Mary made sure she could get to our primary destinations: the Embassy, La Colonia, Paiz (grocery stores), Larach (a huge hardware store that sells anything you could imagine), PriceSmart (which is like a big Costco), and the mall. That's pretty much the extent of where we go. Larach is on the very edge of where we're recommended not to go, so we have to make sure we don't get lost over that way. Oh, and there are no street names. There are four main roads that take us where we need to go: La Paz (where the Embassy is), Juan Paulo Segundo (John Paul II), Morazon, and Suyapa (affectionately known to us as Sula-Pula, because Mary couldn't remember what it was called). But we have a lot of landmarks to get us around, like Ruby Tuesday's, the Inter-Continental Hotel, and Texaco. And the Embassy families have made up names for the other important roads, like the American School road, which we live off of, and the McDonald's road, which has a McDonald's at either end of it. Bear in mind, however, that if you're ever going to be driving around Tegucigalpa, never use a Dunkin' Donuts as a landmark. There are at least six in the mall alone, and I've lost track of how many there are in the city. At least two on every block. It's like Starbucks in San Francisco. Literally.

But on to more exciting things. We continued our journey through the hills on the way to Teguz, and were surprised to see the sort of vegetation they have lining the hills. Namely, pine trees. I don't know if you've ever seen pine trees growing side by side with banana trees, but it's a pretty bizarre sight. The countryside is very pretty, but I heard that in the dry season everything turns brown, which is a shame. I don't know where that is or for how long, but I like it better like this.

This is the view from our descent into Teguz. It's quite a magnificent sight. We got into the city in the early afternoon (two or three, I can't remember) and our drivers took us around for a bit before taking us to our house, which is on a hill right by the American School, in a gated community called Loma Alta. Oh, and about twenty minutes from the city, in the hills where we came from, is a wicked looking water park. We have to go someday.

Before I go on, let me apologize for the length of this blog. I'm proud of you for reading this far, and just now I have decided that once I'm finished talking about the house, I'm going to save the rest for another entry. This is just getting ridiculous, and I don't want you to get bored and stop; not when there's still so much more to tell you about! So the house, and that's it for today. I promise.

This is our house, from the outside. It's really quite nice, well-furnished, and has lots of space. There aren't any carpets on the floors, and since we don't really have much in the way of decoration, it's quite echoy. It's fun to sing in there, but when the tv is on, it's really loud. Mainly because the parents are deaf and can't hear it. We still have cable from the last people who lived here, which includes a few English channels not dubbed in Spanish, some sort of Japanese or Korean channel (with equally unfathomable Japanese or Korean or something subtitles), a German channel, an Italian channel, soap operas filmed in Portugese and dubbed in Spanish, and about 90 other Spanish channels. I must admit, however, that they do have quite a few good American movies on, that are very nicely dubbed, with very good voice-over work. It's always an adventure to see what's on in English. The other day I watched the Fifth Element. Good movie.

This is my room. It's really big, with a high pointed ceiling, and no air conditioner. I have a fan, but I keep my windows open all day and I have to keep my curtains open during the night so I can catch the breeze. Which becomes a problem when the birds start going at 3:00 and the sun soon follows. But I manage. There are closets all along the left side of the room (when you walk in) and cupboards above them. It's quite a large room, so it's kind of awkward because there's only those two small dressers, but it's all right. This picture was taken before I had unpacked. The other awkward thing about it, is before our sponsors gave us pillows (they are very nice and were very, very helpful; the sponsors, that is, not the pillows), all we had were these awkward plastic pillows that came with the furniture. They were extremely uncomfortable. And the funny thing is, when they replaced the mattresses and bedding to get rid of the buggy ones, they took away the gross plastic pillow, and replaced it with another one. So I have a nice pillow that I use for my head, and a weird plastic pillow that I use for between my knees when I'm lying on my side. It's awkward.

This is my bathroom. Notice the lack of counter space. Melissa kindly offered this room to me so that I wouldn't have to have the pink bathroom (which has ample counter space) but I'm glad I have this room, a reason which I'll get into in a moment.
There's me holding the camera while it flashes in the mirror. The shower is to the right, a large, square thing that didn't have a shower curtain at first, but luckily we got one the day we arrived. It's really quite nice, and I keep all of my toiletries on a shelf in the closet closest to the bathroom. Ha ha. Closet closest. That's hard to type. Anyway, we are fairly happy with the layout and location of the house, but there was only one small problem when we moved in. BUGS. A phenomenon that was totally inexplicable to everyone who we spoke with (mainly Lisa), the house was obviously not cleaned very well before we moved in. (We arrived on Friday, the people had moved out on Sunday; these people apparently had two live-in housekeepers and a stay-at-home mom and no one seemed to know about the bug problem). The Embassy hires some people to come in and clean the house, but it wasn't done very well, because the appliances were filthy, it wasn't really swept or dusted, and there were ants everywhere! I was lucky, and I only had ants in my bathroom; my room was clean but for some spiders hanging out on the ceiling. Melissa's room, on the other hand, was infested, not only with these teeny-tiny Honduran ants, but also with centipedes and spiders. The parents' room had all of these, plus big red ants. So we scrubbed everything down with a high concentration of bleach to cover their trail, but those ants are stubborn, and came back to the exact same spots. Since last week, we've used Raid (which killed them all in my bathroom; in fact, they're all still dead on the walls. I should probably clean that up), bleach, and had exterminators come spray outside the house. They sprayed a little bit inside, and placed ant traps, and there haven't been nearly as many ants as there have been. There are still some here and there, and we really need to tear off the baseboards, because that's where they're nesting, but at least it isn't what it was before. We also have had very few encounters with mosquitos, which is good, because dengue is becoming quite common in this area. We've had some other small problems, that no one else seems to have, like running out of water (just once, since the city is supposed to be pumping it into our cistern periodically) and people forgetting to pick us up for motor pool, but other than that we've been quite lucky. We have a car that we bought from someone who left last week, our UAB is here going through customs, so we should have that soon, and we should be getting our telephone and internet installed this week. So we really are doing all right. We'll probably be in this house for about three more weeks (keep your fingers crossed!) while the other family moves out of the house we're going to get and while they do repairs before we can move in. I have a full-time job, even if it's not very interesting, and I'm trying to learn more Spanish every day! One final picture, and I'll let you get on with your lives.

This is the view from my bedroom. Through the bars and over the razor wire, it's really a very beautiful view at night, since I can see all of the lights on the hillside. I hope that the next house has an equally pleasant view.

Well, I suppose that's it for today. I'm getting tired of typing, so I'll leave you to your various activities, and hope that this has helped you gain insight to life in a foreign country! Tomorrow I'll be sure to add more, with lots of pictures, and I wish you all happiness and success in your lives, wherever you may be! Shalom!

Unless

2007-11-23T21:54:00.000-07:00

Have you looked outside your window at night lately? The moonlight is so lovely. So pure. It reflects off the frost on the step and glistens like tears.

I've been quite melancholy of late. I can't really explain it. Everything is just strangely sad to me. I can't say that I feel sad. Just...separate. Everything is like a movie to me. I'm distant and just watching everything happen around me. It's a strange feeling, but I kind of like it. I don't have to do anything. Just watch.

This Thanksgiving was good. I have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful, crazy family that is very well off who gets to move away across the country. And then across the world. I have a great dad who is awesome and likes the same geeky things I do. I have have an incredible mother who loves me and is always there for me. I have a stupendous sister who I can tell anything to, and won't judge me. I have lots of loving friends who care for me and don't mind listening to me rant about stupid things. I have a warm bed at night and warm clothing during the day. I have food to eat, though sometimes it's not much. I have books to read and songs to sing, with eyes to read them and lips to sing them. I have feet to dance and hands to hold and ears to listen. I have a porch to sit on and feel the wind across my cheek. I have a good education and a better one at my fingertips. I know what astigmatism is. I will never run out of things to learn. I will always have weird dreams. I will always have the gospel to rely on. I will always have the Savior to be my friend, and to support me in times of trial. I will always wait for my best friend.

I wish I could say more, but my heart is telling me to keep it all inside. I just feel like hearing everything and saying nothing. There is so much beauty in the world, so much love. There is so much ugliness and so much hate. There is so much hope. Tell someone you care today. Laugh with a child. Walk underneath trees. Dance in the moonlight. Sing. Love life for the glorious gift that it is. I love you all.

Shalom.

"Knowing how we can treat each other-that's not something I'll miss from this world." -Anwatan from Widdershins

2007-04-17T22:41:00.000-06:00

Reading this book Widdershins, I am reminded of the world we live in. How we cansenselessly kill each other without batting an eye. Joseph Crazy Dog says that every death diminishes us. We shouldn't take personal issues to innocents. It's too complicated to explain it all, but in the book the cerva (the buffalo) are going to battle against the fairy because the fairy have been taking over the cousins' land after we stripped them of their hides and left them to rot in the grass. Minisino, the leader of the cerva, makes the point that no one is innocent, and maybe that's true. But I like Joe's attitude better.

"It's just this theory that I have that there's not enough goodness in the world. And we need more of it. Well, see, if you do someone a favour, expecting something in return, it's not as pure as just doing it with no expectation. Doing it just for the sake of doing it, because it's the right thing. It's a funny wheel we're on these days. Sometimes I feel it's wobbling so much I get worried it's going to go right off track, and then where the hell would we be? The best way I know to keep it running smooth is make sure the acts of kindness outweigh the bad. I can't do it for the whole world, but I can do it in my own life, and I figure every little bit helps."

Terrible things happen. Massacres happen at universities. Millions of men and women and children die because of unsettled governments. We automatically hate those we don't know or understand. We all have shadows inside of us, hiding in the light that fills our hearts. If we can just reach inside of ourselves and erase that shadow, rid our minds with the dark memories and experiences that keep us from progressing. Sometimes I wish that I had a pocket world in the otherworld, that I could step into whenever I wanted to, to get away from people and the tragedies that happen in the world. But I know that that can't happen. I have to deal with life and move on. I have to find that shadow within myself and deal with it, get it out so that I can continue on. Stop brooding and just do good things for other people.

I think that Joe Crazy Dog is right. All we can do is try and make sure that the good outweighs the bad in the world. Terrible things happen. But there are so many good people out there, doing good things for other people. Random anonymous acts of kindness. Sincere acts of love. We don't have to change the world to change someone's life. Look around. There is someone who needs your help. Make yourself available. And when someone asks you for something, don't expect them to owe you a favor.

Widdershins. This whole book is about helping people, standing up against an army with a handful of others because you want to help save a race that you've never met before. It's about making bonds with each other, making each other family. It's about choice. It's about feeling such love for people, no matter who they are, that death doesn't stop you from helping them.

"People can be so horrible, can't they?"
"But they have the potential inside them for great good, too, Rabedy Collins. It's true we can't make them turn from doing wrong. But we can set an example by how we live our own lives."
"Do you think it makes a difference?"
"Everything we do makes a difference," she told him. "The onus is upon us as to whether the difference we make is for good or evil." She paused a beat, then added, "I will go find my father. Wait for me here."
And then she was gone.

"The reality of perfection is much different than its perception." -The Fact of Twilight

2007-02-18T19:47:00.000-07:00

I would like to share a little something that Steve Holiday, author/director of the Fact of Twilight, included on the back of the program during production.

Each of the characters in our story is a lost soul, searching for validation, love, or acceptance; and much like each of us, they are each given the opportunity to help another on the journey toward redemption. Sometimes we discover that our greatest purpose is that opportunity; and often, we find that that person is the least convenient of souls.

Have you ever had someone turn their back on you only to find that you need each other? Have you ever met someone with vastly different values or standards than you, and written them off, only to find that your growth depends on them?

Why is it that there are some topics that we refuse to talk about as a society? If we do talk about them, it is only in indecent corners and immoral stairwells. Those who champion these topics are an extreme minority of the left, and, unfortunately, see sexuality and religious liberalism as topics to force on the majority through entertainment and locker rooms. When these topics are pushed on us by this small demograpic, we bury them deeper and talk about them less. And, when our children are old enough to need to know about such topics, they end up learning them by the only available means-that extreme minority that we tried so hard to shun in the first place. Is it any wonder that our youth falter? Does it come as a surprise that they eventually come pleadingly to us for guidance? Does it disgust you that there are many who refuse to embrace and help those who need us the most?

I believe that it is our responsibility to educate. I believe that there is a time and a place for everything, and that sacred things must not be taken lightly. But I also believe that we have a sacred responsibility to "lift the hands that hand," as the late Neal Maxwell said. And if we do not, we may just be given another "opportunity" to get things right before we receive our exaltation. This is the theme of our story this evening. Max Tivoli said, "we are each the love of someone's life," and the scriptures teach that "we are assigned angels in Heaven." Perhaps by utilizing both of these tools we can make sense of this life.

I find that so very inspiring. I got to read the play while it was in the process going through the department. I got to read as Gwen, the main character who finally finds herself home after a "lifetime" of searching. I want a copy of the script, as a literary reference. It was so well-written and so profound and universal. Gwen isn't religious, but the show is filled with little references to our doctrine and the show takes place in a limbo, if you will, a kind of spiritual prison that she is kept in until she fully accepts her death and understands what she has to learn before she can go home. What joy when she steps through the door and finds all she is looking for! What pain to not understand! I try so hard to be open-minded and understanding, because I don't fully know who I am yet. I don't know what it is I want to do in life. I admire so much the people who do one thing for so long, and then realize what else is out there in the world. And they realize that theatre or music or writing is not actually their passion. They want to help people. They want to be instruments in the Lord's hands and be His tools to save the lives of other people. They want their life to be so filled with God's love that they no longer think about themselves. They are the Lord's. Their nature is changed.

I had a hard time grasping the idea of the Atonement. In our Mormon pop culture, we talk about certain ideas and themes that just don't really make a lot of sense to me. I mean, I think I understand them, but it wasn't until a couple weeks ago that I really realized that Christ atoned for my sins. I don't have to repent of my sins. (Just wait for it, please don't freak out) My sins are forgiven and I am clean. "No unclean thing can dwell in the presence of God." I am going to be in the presence of God at the end of my life so that I can be judged of Him. And the only way that I can be in His presence is if my sins are already washed clean. I will be clean. Everyone will be clean. It's not the sins that matter. It's the nature. Christ is going to look in my heart and see that I am still fallen, that I am still carnal, sensual and devilish. He is going to see that I cannot no longer dwell in His presence and I will be resurrected to a telestial state. But if I can change my nature now, if through the process of repentance I am no longer enticed by the things of the world, but by the things of the Lord, I can be exalted and remain in His presence. I never realized that before. I was sitting in class the other day and all of a sudden it hit me. I am fallen. There is nothing I can do about it. I am utterly wretched. But that's why the Atonement and the mercy and grace of God are so wonderful. I walked away that day feeling happier than I have in a long time, all because I realized that with the help of Christ, I can change my nature and become like Him. I used to think that I could fix all my problems myself. I'm too prideful to ask for help. I wanted to be perfect before I came to Christ. But I have to come to Christ to be perfected in Him. I cannot do it on my own. There is no way. But with His help, I can change. What joy and rapture I feel when I ponder the immensity of His grace! It is possible for me to shake off the natural man and come to stand before God.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

-Max Ehrmann, DESIDERATA

"And so we dream, yet our dreams turn to vapour and sift through our fingers in frightening beauty."

2006-12-03T20:04:00.000-07:00

Life certainly has been interesting of late. A lot of strange things have transpired, and I am so ready for vacation. Classes aren't that bad, but I'm working my butt off doing the show and finding some minimal time to study. I really should be doing that right now, or at least going to bed, but I need to take a break and talk, and I was doing my Old Testament homework and thinking about how life has been lately which made me think about a few things. For example:

I have come to realize thoroughly that this life is not about me. It's about being a tool in the Lord's hands to allow Him to finish His work on this earth. Sometimes I think about how weird my life is and I get all depressed about it, but then things like this week happen and my whole perspective is changed. Monday I think it was, Liz got a call from Kathleen saying that Jesse was at the Student Health Services with an IV and he was really sick. That of course was stressful enough, but then Tuesday night Kathleen gets a call while she's preparing for the show that Jesse is now in the hospital and not able to make the show. He had pneumonia and was out for a couple days. It was scary because we got Paul to be Fred about ten minutes before the show opened and he did a marvelous job. He actually brought things to the show that Jesse didn't. Not that he did a better job of course, but it made us all realize something different in the show and we were able to make it all the more meaningful. I missed Jesse terribly and he came back tonight so I gave him a hug and told him I was glad he was back, but it's strange how it all works out. We, though we would like to think we're all "special," are all replaceable. If we don't fulfill the role (temporally and spiritually) that we were chosen to fulfill, the show will go on with someone else in your place. We are here to be the Lord's instruments in performing His work, and if we don't do it, He will find someone else who can and will. Of course we have to be careful about getting in the Lord's way ("mourn with those who mourn, comfort those that stand in need of comfort"), but like Jesse, if we can't be there, the Lord will find someone who can. How interesting. JD talked about that today during talk-back after the show, when someone asked him how he made the final Cratchit scene so powerful and moving. He said that for a long time he thought about how terrible it must have been for the Cratchit's to lose their son, and how lost they were without him, when one day he accidentally looked at Scrooge during the scene, and realized that it's not about the Cratchit's at all. It's about Scrooge and the change that comes over him. So he changed his thoughts to what he was supposed to teach Scrooge, and how to do it. How like life that is. If only we were put on this earth to turn people to Christ, how soon would I that everyone remember that and act accordingly! Of course, I am guilty of forgetfulness myself, but there are times when I find myself pondering the very subject, and isn't that the point? I, though I try not to be, am a very judgmental person. All I can do is not talk about it, but silently I watch and judge people, mostly their personality and find things that I don't like. Even though I know this isn't good, at least God has given me the good sense to recognize that what I see in others that I don't like is what I don't like in myself, and the desire to change that in myself. And studying the Old Testament and the children of Israel helps me realize my true purpose in life and the idols that I place beside God. It's a truly amazing feeling when you can learn about yourself and become a better person and grow closer to God because you make yourself available to the revelations that He sends you.

Dreams can be very frightening things. I had a dream just last Tuesday that everything that really happened that night did happen in my dream (which is always disorienting). So Jesse was at the hospital and Ben got sent to the hospital after the show for passing out, but then I was on stage and saying lines, but there was no audience, and there was a cat walk that went right above the stage. I heard a thump and a crack and when I turned around, Bro. Clifford was lying on his back and all these people were around him because he had fallen off the catwalk and broken his neck. It was so scary. I saw him the next day and told him about it and told him that I was glad that he didn't really die. But still, it really shook me. But a few nights before that, I had the scariest dream I've had in a long time. I have had dreams periodically where I see people die, and it's one of the freakiest things imaginable. But in this dream, there was a flock of crows in this old deserted town that were all fighting each other. It focused on two of these crows who flew into a building and were fighting. The room was very small, a tiny entryway really, with the door at the top of three or four steps, a glass ceiling, and one doorway in the far left hand corner of the room (if you were standing on the steps). One of the crows was completely beating the other one, slamming him into the glass ceiling and cracking it and all and he fell to the ground. Then they turned into people, and it's hard to describe, because they looked completely humanoid, but there was something still distinctly crow-like about them. But then the one who was on the floor stood up and the other one was on the steps with his back to the one. And he turned on the steps and lifted his arm and he had a semiautomatic in his hand, and he shot the other one. And he shot him again. And again. And again. And again. Until the one finally staggered against the wall, and slid to a sitting position, and his eyes were open but dead, and there was blood everywhere, all over the walls and his body, and his mouth was open and his tongue was hanging out, and blood just flowed and dripped from his tongue. Oh, it was so vivid and so frightening. What do you do when you wake up in the dark with those images so clearly imprinted in your head? I still shudder to think of it, it was so gruesome and so terrible but it cannot be forgotten. My dreams, though still as weird as ever, have been increasingly scary, and sometimes I don't like going to bed for fear of what I may see in dreams.

This morning was so interesting and the only way I can describe it is through narrative, so I'll do the best I can.
I stepped out into the early morning air and looked out into the fog-filled air. The sky was overcast, the air misty but no rain was falling. I began my walk up to class, clutching my books to my chest to keep my arms warm. The going was easy and the cold not so biting that I couldn't enjoy the vapor on my cheeks. I crossed the street, headlights on either side framing my body in the dim light. I started up the hill when it changed. Suddenly the air was hard to breathe, thick, heavy. Not oppressive. But sluggish. Then the wind. It came abruptly from the hill and whipped my hair into my eyes, masking my view. It pulled against my legs like an unseen current. There were very few people out, and those who were were silent. No friendly greetings or pleasant talks on cell phones sliced the tangible air. If they looked at each other, it was for but a moment. A cursory glance, nothing more. I fought these separating forces until I made it into my building. But looking back, it was surreal, like it never happened, or happened in someone else's dream. Mornings like this make you wonder about the reality and importance of your own life.

I know that there is more I want to say, but it is eluding me. I have two finals to take tomorrow and I need sleep, so I will leave you now, hopefully with questions or discoveries in your own mind. I hope that health and happiness prevails in your life and that you find yourself growing in the gospel and learning of the Savior every day. May the Lord make His face to smile upon you. Shalom.

"In a phrase to cut these lips, I love you." Coheed and Cambria

2006-11-20T17:32:00.000-07:00

There's something about you that I'm drawn to. You have a kind of melancholy understanding about you. Like a lost boy from Neverland. Like Tootles.

It's your eyes. There's a remarkably beautiful sadness in them. Like you're separated from life. The world is passing you by, and no matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to reach it. Your fingertips brush the surface, and no one seems to notice the distance. I did.

I don't want to go to our ward thing tonight. Or I do, but I don't want to go play football, so I won't. I'll sing to the Sptifire Grill and then change and go up and eat some food. Whoo hoo. I'm reading Watership Down right now, hence the picture of the Black Rabbit of Inle.

I had a really really cool experience visiting teaching yesterday. I was alone, because Jenny's in Florida, but it turned out amazing. It's so cool that you can get revelation and give people what they need most of all. I had the coolest time with Jackie and we talked for more than an hour, and it was what we both needed. It was so cool. I'm singing in the Messiah choir too, and so rehearsals for that are always fun. It's really great music, and I feel so blessed that I get to sing it again. The first time I did so wasn't as fun. Last week I went to the Jazz Combos concert because Jenny sings in a jazz combo, and she was really good, besides the fact that the microphone wasn't working. So what we could hear of her was really good. And all of the combos were so good. It was so nice to be able to just sit back and not think about anything but the amazing talent that I was listening to and let the music move me. It was wonderful. I'm excited for Christmas Carol to open, and for everyone to come see it. It's going to be so cool. We're just waiting for the set to be done, so we can actually rehearse with it all. The whole show is just amazing, we have a great cast, the costumes are beautiful, the set is going to be spectacular. It's going to be great. I also can't wait for next semester, to get Crazy For You all together. The tapping is hard, but I'm learning and having so much fun doing so. Next semester's schedule is a little disappointing, but I'm not going to regret it. I finally get to take an English class, I'm taking second semester Russian, Book of Mormon, and Reader's Theatre, where we put on children's productions. But because of the way my schedule works out, I can't fit in any more GE, major, or theatre classes, so I'm taking two dance classes: beginning jazz, and beginning tap. I'll have a head start on that, but I'm excited. I haven't taken a dance class in about three years and I miss it. I want to take ballroom, but they all fill really fast, and I'm not so excited about the attitude that a lot of people have when they sign up that class, that you never know who you'll meet. Ugh. Oh well. It's a good schedule, not too hard but academically satisfying. I can't wait to start writing again. I've been thinking lately, and I think I want to go into editing. It's something I'm really good at, and I enjoy it. Like work for a publishing company or something. That would be great fun. I don't know if I'd like the reporting deal. We'll see. I have a little while. I'm going to audition for the House of Bernarda Alba next semester, and I'm thinking of auditioning for Comic Frenzy, and seeing how that might turn out. I don't know if I could handle all the load that I had this semester though. I'm so ready for Thanksgiving, you don't even know.

Eileen is going to curl my hair for my class tomorrow, because I have a scene for Song Interp that I'm going to be a cheerleader for. Isn't that exciting? I'm in two scenes, and one I'm a cheerleader, and the next I'm in I'm a white pregnant rapper. It's going to be amazing. I'm really excited. I like that class, except for the fact that Hyrum is getting really frustrated because we don't really know what to focus on, because we have to do our scenes, and it gets in the way of our learning the actual music for the show. I'm so excited for the show though, it's going to be so much fun. Yay for Follies. I really should go and get ready, everyone's in a rush to get the food ready and I'm sitting here doing nothing. So love to all, and I'll see you guys over Christmas break. All remember to thank your Heavenly Father for all that He has given you, and for the situations and blessings and challenges that He has the faith in you to give you. Shalom!

"Just so there's no confusion, in spirit prison there probably won't be pineapples." -Jeremy, Sunday School Instructor

2006-10-19T16:45:00.000-06:00

Hello to the world! These images didn't upload in the order that I wanted them to, but I'm too tired and lazy to fix it. Aren't we so cute pregnant? I just woke up from a two and a half hour nap, and I'm regaining my strength so that I can go help set up for the banquet tonight. Banquet and ghost stories from this cool story telling guy! Whoo hoo! And I get in free because I'm in theatre council. Good deal. So the guy I just quoted just walked into our house. How strange. He's Jenny and Eileen's home teacher apparently, and I really like his sense of humor. It's very very dry and sarcastic, so you can't really tell if he's being serious or not. I think it's raining.

This is currently my profile picture on Facebook. I know, I started a Facebook. But I deleted my myspace account because I hated it. Facebook is a little better. This was the crazy hair night, but it settled down a little. I like wearing the little poncho. I have the most amazing story to tell you! This is a ransom note that we got last night from our dear friend Brett. I'll include the scriptural references.
As you may have noticed, a certain prized possession of yours has gone missing. This is a mere retaliation. You have been mercilessly holding a certain valued piece of china hostage for nearly 2 months. Our people will no longer stand by actionless. We demand a prisoner trade, but that will not be enough. We simply demand an increase to make up for the time that we have spent lacking. The dishware must needs be returned in a similar state in which it arrived, full. You must realize that we bear you no malice. Our intent is only that justice be served. Your possession will be returned only AFTER receipt of the china plus a full restitution for emotional damages. Alma 60:6, 35 and 36 (but not the first sentence)
"And now behold, we desire to know the cause of this exceedingly great neglect; yea, we desire to know the cause of your thoughtless state."
"And behold, if you will not do this I come unto you speedily; for behold, God will not suffer that we should perish with hunger; therefore he will give unto us of your food, even if it must needs be by the sword. Now see that ye fulfill the word of God.
I seek not for power, but to pull it down. I seek not for honor of the world, but for the glory of my God, and the freedom and welfare of my country."

This is us in our sexy pose. Vaughn pointed out to me that I look like a Japanese anime character, and I find that I cannot disagree. But is that not BRILLIANT? It was the most amazing ransom note I've ever received. Liz is working hard on a very good response, which we will give with the desired dishware with a tower of rice krispies on it. Along with an invitation to join me and Jenny and Brad on a double date. What fun.

This is Garett being extremely attractive in The Jacket. I tell you, it does something to you. But I just realized that I have to go help with the banquet now, and since I have to walk all the way up to the Hinckley (I was going to describe it as "freakin," but that just seems wrong right next to the word Hinckely), I should probably go. I hope you enjoy these pictures and I hope your lives are going well, as mine generally is. Love to all! Shalom

Oh yeah, and this is us being the Hawmps Hookers. Well, mainly me, showing a bit of leg there. You know you'd pick us up.

"I was going to go to bed early tonight until we decided to get pregnant." -Shanelle Baxter

2006-10-06T12:16:00.000-06:00

That statement is not to be taken literally. So this is what we did one Monday night when we were quite bored. Jenny put the squishy in her shirt and she looked absolutely amazing! We walked over to Davey and Brad's to see if Davey was home but only Garret and Brad and this random girl (it was a little awkward) were over. It was funny though because we all walked in holding hands and leading Jenny along. But then we took pictures (which was hard because we were laughing so hard) and then we all decided to get pregnant! So Nelli and I put stars in our shirts (which was also difficult because we had to tie down the little star arms) and started wandering around looking for someone to show our tummies to. Of course, the night that we do something totally crazy is the one night that no one came over. So we tried to think of people that we could go visit and got the amazing idea to go over to Curtis', because he's the sort of person who would totally go along with it. So we waddled over to his apartment and on the way we had a strange encounter with a young man walking down the street. He asked us when we were due and we said around the end of October, about Halloween. He laughed and said "Oh, I'm a little flustered," crossed the street, and started playing the harmonica. How delightful. Upon reaching Curtis' apartment, we found that the only person was home was a roommate that we didn't know. The following conversation ensued.

Us: Hey, is Curtis home?
Roommate: Um, no.
Us: Because he scheduled a yoga session with us at ten tonight.
Roommate (nervous laughter): Curtis doesn't teach yoga!
Us: Well, I mean, since it's with pregnant women, he might be a little embarrassed about it and not like to talk about it.
Roommate (completely didn't believe that we even knew Curtis): Sure. How do you guys know Curtis?
Us: He's our yoga instructor! And he did make up on Jenny for his class.
Roommate: Well, I know he is in a makeup class. Here, I'll call his cell.
awkward silence where Roommate leaves a message on Curtis' phone
Roommate: He's not answering his phone.
Us: Oh wait, he's at rehearsal! How could he schedule a yoga session when he has rehearsal! How inconsiderate! We should go talk to him about it!
So we left, leaving Roommate to doubt our pregnancy. How rude. But really funny. So we went and found Curtis and he came out of rehearsal and died laughing, but as we expected, he went along with it and apologized profusely for missing our appointment. Liz came out too and we made her night, fortunately. She thought it was incredible.
After leaving the Kirkham, we wandered around campus for a while, talking loudly about weird cravings and how many children we've had. Oh, and side note: during our adventures we made sure to get weddings rings and display them wherever we went. We managed to get together with Tim and Curt (different Curt) and Garret, and revealed that they were Curt's children. All of them. As we were all Curt's wives. He was a little weirded out by that, but soon went along with it. What fun guys we have across the street. We ended up going back to Curtis' to schedule another appointment, and he was actually there that time. But Roommate (bless his gullible heart) said to us, "Hey, I'm really sorry for not thinking that you guys were actually pregnant." We did nothing to enlighten him, but I think they got it after us girls and Curtis talked for a while. But then right before we left, Curtis calls out, "So call my secretary, we'll reschedule. I think we'll start with some basics, like breathing exercises and basic postions," and Roommate (same one!) says "Wait, you really do yoga?" I think he got it when we just laughed at him. Poor guy. But I think that was pretty much our evening, except that we all sat around being pregnant for quite some time, just because we could.

So I just had an amazing fabulous reality. I also have many other stories to tell, including the one where we had the amazing lightsaber war that lasted more than an hour, which included blood and many bruises, but that will have to be for another time when I can get the pictures from Jenny. But back to the fabulous reality. Liz and Kyra and I were all sitting on the couch on the porch when Kyra realized that it was curfew so she went to leave. As she was walking down the sidewalk a random guy comes up to her and says, "Hey, where are you going?" She replied that she was going home, and he answered with, "Well, what am I supposed to do then?" She said that he could go make out/cuddle with us on the porch, and he said OK, and walked up the steps and wrapped his arms around us. After asking our names, he continued to embrace us and informed us that his name was Tad and he was from Arizona. Then when our RA came and told him that it was curfew and that he would have to go home, he adopted this weird accent and talked about "where he was from" and how the rules were different there. Then he just walked away. How strange and amazing. I also bounced for Comic Frenzy tonight and that was so much fun. There are a lot of new people but it's still hilarious. What fun.

I was just going to tell one more story, but I completely blanked and forgot what it was. Oh yeah! Last night Liz, Nelli, Jenny and I stayed up till 3 in the morning reading balderdash cards and laughing at what they said. We found the HAWMPS! one and the one with dunkle (orginal HAWMPS! jokes) and so we placed them up on our shrine, which currently consists of: three railroad spikes, one small collection of little BMW bugs, one Santa Barbara candle, one Mr. Potato Head, one stuffed bunny, one broken (alas! but that's another story) Sting, and one Garret's lightsaber. What fun. But we discovered fun words like "whisterpoop" and I finally found out what a hodad really is. It was amazing. And now before I repeat the same thing, I think I'll leave you all to your fun and games and head for bed. I love and miss you all and I hope that your lives are going well. Love to all! Shalom!

Alas, the legend of "Crikey! Look at the size o' that one!" is no more.

2006-09-05T12:29:00.001-06:00

I want to dedicate this blog to Steve Irwin, the ever-famous Crocodile Hunter, who died yesterday at the barb of a sting ray. His khaki, risk-ready form will forever be in our hearts.

How sad. But at least he didn't die in a car accident or something. At least he gave his life to the wild...or something like that.
Well, I'm here in beautiful Rexburg, I just got back from my two classes of Tuesday, ready to eat lunch, go to the Devotional and take a nap! I stayed up till one last night, talking with roomies and eating ice cream. It was good times. But I had geology (Natural Disasters) and Russian today, and when I found out that I needed textbooks for Russian, I went to the Bookstore and spent another $127! What fun. I will sure be glad when I can return that one book and get money back for it on Thursday. Liz and I are going to the Rockapella concert on Friday, that's pretty cool. Um, I think some of the bishopric is coming over tonight. Maybe we should make cookies or something.

I'm in a bit of a dilemma. I tried out for Vocal Union yesterday, and my audition went pretty well. The song that she had to read rhythm from is one that I knew, and was singing just that morning. I told her that. The song went well, but she didn't check my range or anything so I don't know if I'm going to be called back. Which wouldn't really be bad, because here's the thing. If I don't make call-backs, that's all fine and dandy, I'll just concentrate on my Spitfire audition and do that. If I DO get called back, then I have to go tomorrow from 3-5 and then my Spitfire audition at 7. If I do well on Spitfire auditions AND Vocal Union call-backs, then I would much rather do that, because if I stayed in Vocal Union, it completely conflicts with all of the theatre plans I had, and I would much rather be involved in theatre than this choir. So we'll see how it goes.

I'm actually going to go because I am quite hungry, but I love you all and I'll try to post more often so you know what's going on in my life. Love to all! Shalom

"You would not call a man humane for ceasing to set mousetraps if he did so because he believed there were no mice in the house."

2006-08-15T13:14:00.000-06:00

I have no real commentary on my life right now. I just wanted to share some excerpts from one of my favorites books. These passages are so insightful and so interesting that I wanted others to know about them. Please enjoy!

Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
Note from "What Lies Behind the Law"
One reason why many people find Creative Evolution so attractive is that it gives one much of the emotional comfort of believing in God and none of the less pleasant consequences. When you are feeling fit and the sun is shining and you do not want to believe that the whole universe is a mere mechanical dance of atoms, it is nice to be able to think of this great mysterious Force rolling on through the centuries and carrying you on its crest. If, on the other hand, you want to do something rather shabby, the Life-Force, being only a blind force, with no morals and no mind, will never interfere with you like that troublesome God we learned about when we were children. The Life-Force is a sort of tame God. You can switch it on when you want, but it will not bother you. All the thrills of religion and none of the cost. Is the Life-Force the greatest achievement of wishful thinking the world has yet seen?

From "We Have Cause to be Uneasy"
All I am doing is to ask people to face the facts-to understand the questions which Christianity claims to answer. And they are very terrifying facts. I wish it were possible to say something more agreeable. But I must say what I think true. Of course, I quite agree that the Christian religion is, in the long run, a thing of unspeakable comfort. But it does not begin in comfort; it begins in the dismay I have been describing, and it is no use at all trying to go on to that comfort without first going through that dismay. In religion, as in war and everything else, comfort is the one thing you cannot get by looking for it. If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end: if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth-only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with, and, in the end, despair. Most of us have got over the pre-war wishful thinking about international politics. It is time we did the same about religion.

My favorite analogy, actually found in the Preface
I hope no reader will suppose that "mere" Christianity is here put forward as an alternative to the creeds of the existing communions-as if a man could adopt it in preference to Congregationalism or Greek Orthodoxy or anything else. It is more like a hall out of which doors open into several rooms. If I can bring anyone into that hall I shall have done what I attempted. But it is in the rooms, not in the hall, that there are fires and chairs and meals. The hall is a place to wait in, a place from which to try the various doors, not a place to live in. For that purpose the worst of the rooms (whichever that may be)is, I think, preferable. It is true that some people may find they have to wait in the hall for a considerable time, while others feel certain almost at once which door they must knock at. I do not know why there is this difference, but I am sure God keeps no one waiting unless He sees that it is good for him to wait. When you do get into your room you will find that the long wait has done you some kind of good which you would not have had otherwise. But you must regard it as waiting, not as camping. You must keep on praying for light: and, of course, even in the hall, you must begin trying to obey the rules which are common to the whole house. And above all you must be asking which door is the true one; not which pleases you best by its paint and paneling. In plain language, the question should never be: "Do I like that kind of service" but "Are these doctrines true: Is holiness here? Does my conscience move me towards this? Is my reluctance to knock at this door due to my pride, or my mere taste, or my personal dislike of this particular door-keeper?"
When you have reached your own room, be kind to those who have chosen different doors and to those who are still in the hall. If they are wrong they need your prayers all the more; and if they are your enemies, then you are under orders to pray for them. That is one of the rules common to the whole house.

I hope I gave you a bit of a thought-provoking moment, and I hope that we can all be kind to one another, even if we don't believe the same thing. Shalom to all the world.

"Something is a-happening behind my face." ~Chico Marx, The Big Store

2006-07-18T18:11:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to share the glorious stories that we have created using that wonderful and hilarious game, Mad Libs. Here are our favorites. You can guess which works were substituted.

We decided that if you go to hell, this is what you're going to have to be doing for eternity. You can try it if you want.
How to do that new dance, the Monstrosity
Here's how you do the Monstrosity. Stand with your feet together. Now stamp your right foot 206 times and put your hands on your partner's pinkies. Next, you both skip slowly to the right and bend your clavicles backward. For the next eight counts, both of you meander harshly to the left. Next, you and your partner stand back to back and wiggle your chimney stacks and slap your whips together. Don't forget to keep stamping your right foot. Now, face your partner again, put your fudgesicles together and shout, "spork!" Now, leap backward and repeat the whole thing 3 billion times. If you feel that you can't learn this dance, you can always secrete the next one out.

Everyone should try this. Who needs sheep? I was trying to read it aloud and after "breathe knowingly" I could barely control myself. I think this is my favorite. I could barely breathe from laughing.
How to go to Sleep
If you have trouble falling asleep, you probably have a naked mind. You must learn to relax so that you will have a perturbed mind instead. First, drink a cup of hot shampoo and stretch out on a wispy bed in a harmful position. Then, breathe knowingly and think about something beautiful, such as stubby noodles. Do not think of your frumpy enemies or entertain any other sparkly thoughts. Concentrate on something restful, such as snorkels, which will make your castanet more relaxed, or count imaginary clams jumping over a lugie. Follow these overbearing rules and you will fall into a hoity-toity sleep the minute your bicuspid hits the pillow.

And last but not least, it's eerie how some of these work out. Just picturing some of those weapons made us lose it entirely.
Army Information
If you plan on joining the army, here are some hilarious hints that will help you became a crystal soldier. The army is made up of officers, non-coms, and hedgehogs. You can recognize an officer by the nuclear weapons on his shoulders and the crankshaft on his cap. When you address an officer, always say "quilting bee" and salute grouchily. If you get a putrid haircut, keep your everlasting gobstoppers shined, and see that your doe is clean at all times, you will be a credit to the slogan, "the Army builds scabs." And at roll call, when the fuscia sergeant calls your name, shout "Phooey!" loud and clear. Also, become familiar with basic weapons such as the thirty-calibre rotting meat and the automatic udder. Follow this advice and in no time you'll win the Indulgent Conduct Buoy.

I hope I at least helped crack a smile. Love to all! Shalom

Enjoy each day to the fullest, because in the grand scheme of things, most of the time you're dead.

2006-07-12T16:13:00.000-06:00

2006-06-30T21:29:00.000-06:00

"Hold on to [life] as if you are holding on to the love of your very truest friend." ~Summerland, Michael Chabon

Look at me (I'm a winner)!

2006-06-26T22:07:00.000-06:00

I'm bored, so I'm going to add pictures from EFY. Yay for Effie!

We begin with the lovely counselors of my company, Suzy and Ashley. Suzy was really sweet and fun and had feety (feetie?) pajamas. She would always escort me everywhere because there weren't enough guys in our group and was my greatest friend in my company. Ashley was so nice to me (even though she was the other girls' counselor) and listened to all my problems. They were both awesome. Oh yeah, Suzy's the one on the right, Ashley's on the left.

And we come to my dear friends Cooper and Steven. Steven manages to look exactly the same in every single picture I took of him this week, except for one, that you'll get to see later. Apparently you can only upload 5 pictures at a time, so it will come. In all the pictures I took at the dances, everyone is all glowy and I can't explain why. Coop is awesome as usual, and Steven will be happy to know that his nose does not look ginormous.

Here are the awesome kids that I hung out with during the dance. Steven, Cooper (who looks amazing in this picture), Landon, and Soren. I'm sorry if I spelled any names wrong. Please correct me if I did. They are all so sweet and we had tons of fun at the dances. Aren't they all so cute?

Ah, the vibe. What more can I say? I was doing the vibe and Chad (the one in green, he was the guys' counselor) knew what it was! So he and Brett demonstrated the correct technique of the vibe. Spanky is the back is just doing his thing. Living up to his name, I guess. I never did learn his real name.

And finally, Chad. Chad who knew Brian Regan. He was really funny and could dance. Really. This was one of my attempts to catch people off guard and it turned out pretty well. All the others failed. But I like this one.

Well, I hope I made your day a little bit better. My day was ok. My excursion to Berkeley wasn't a complete disaster. I did go to Hot Topic but didn't buy anything because they were stupid and didn't have anything that appealed to me. Not even cool socks. But my trip did pay off because I came back with the Aquabats CD Charge! (from which my title comes from) and Benny and Joon. I also got a new pair of Chuck Taylors, navy and cream pinstripe. Hi Top. Of course. They are a thing of beauty. Or things of beauty, since there are two of them. Two things. Of beauty.

Anyway! I'm off to look for a job again tomorrow. The one that I had hoped for, that looked pretty promising, called today and said that they wanted a permanent employee. Well, fine. So we'll see what happens. Wish me luck everyone, and I'm still open to phone calls. ; ) Love to all! Shalom

"I wonder if he rides a scooter.....I wonder if he looks like a scooter." ~Mom talking about Scooter Libby

2006-06-24T21:21:00.000-06:00

Isn't Logan adorable? I just love him. I'm going to miss his hugs. He gives good, yummy smelling hugs. Wait, hold up, I'm going to get some music. K, I'm back. I got Mates of State to listen to. I like them. They make me happy.

I went and saw 1776 today. Ray is John Hancock in it, and he did very well. Last time he was Richard Henry Lee, which I thought he did better than this guy, but I liked this production better. It was more professional and overall the cast was better suited to their roles. I really like the Rutledge and the Dickinson. I thought that they did very well in their roles, very superior and noble. Dickinson had a good voice too. And the courier was very cute, I must say. Especially when he missed his entrance and came on with his glasses on. Adorable. I tell you, glasses does something to me. I love a nerdy guy. Ah well. Overall, it was very good and I enjoyed it a lot. I really liked Abigail Adams too. She was good. Not so much with Martha Jefferson. I didn't like her voice very much, not to mention I don't like that "He Plays the Violin" song. The subject matter is fine, but the song isn't very well-written. Oh well. That was about the only complaint I had. I enjoyed myself.

Afterwards we went to Fresh Choice for an early lunch before Ray's night show, and I kept looking out the window and seeing interesting things. First, there were these cylindrical poster displayer thingies. Apparently one of them broke, because I looked out to see two janitor people brushing the glass off of the edges, and it was all shattered on the ground. They swept it up and the next time I looked there was a police officer there. Cool. The other side, though, had a poster for a new show called "Kyle XY" or something like that. But he was holding his shirt up and had a confused look on his face and we were trying to figure out why. We had a few speculations. One was that the photographer told him to lift his shirt up, and so he was like "you want me to do what?" as he was lifting his shirt and that explained the confused look. Another was that it seemed that he didn't have a belly button, and so that could also explain the confusion as he showed the world his dilemma. However, we just wanted to go up and write "constipated" or "bloated" on his tummy like those commercials. I guess we'll never know.

Can I tell you, when I first saw this picture, I could not stop staring at it. Isn't Liz hot? Seriously. I was looking at some other pictures and we look a lot more alike now than we did when we were younger, and I am glad for that. If I look even remotely like Liz, that would make me happy. She's so beautiful, in body and in spirit. I am so glad to have a sister like her. She's so lovely and talented and bright and funny and the best friend I could ever ask for. I remember calling her when I was freaking out and crying so much and she was just there for me, talking to me and helping me forget. And I can never hesitate to call her whenever I need her and she'll always listen. I can tell her everything and she won't laugh. She'll give me advice about anything I ask about and she's so understanding. Man, am I lucky. I'm glad we found each other in the pre-existence and said, "Hey. Let's be sisters." I am so grateful to be related to someone as wonderful as she is. I am so proud of her for working at Playmill this summer, for getting in and being a trooper even when she's sick. And she never has too much to do that she can't talk to me for a few minutes. She's a terribly incredible person, and I love her.

I'm going to Singles Ward tomorrow, and I must admit that I'm a bit nervous about that. I won't know anybody as a safeguard to hang out with. Oh well, I'm sure I'll make friends soon enough. I hope that Benjamin and I become friends fairly soon, considering he's probably going to be my ride from now on. Mom's taking me tomorrow so that she can work for a few hours, but she can't take me every week. Well, we'll see what happens, and I'll keep you posted.

You know, I should probably go, because Mom's asleep on the couch and has been for almost an hour, and she won't sleep tonight unless I wake her up. I wonder what we'll do tonight. I'll probably eat more ice cream. Maybe that's what's causing me to have such strange dreams. Oh! I had the freakiest dream last night. I don't even remember all of it, but what I do remember is creepy enough. I had a dream that some guy was stalking me, and I don't mean like "ha ha, you had better give me that book or I'll stalk you." I don't mean that. I mean seriously and horribly stalking. The part I remember was I was in a hotel room with another girl and it was night and the lights were off and he had called and was talking to me on the phone, in a deep and rough voice. I don't remember what he was talking about, but it was enough it instill a deep horror in me. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and so I hung up the phone. I crawled into the other bed with the girl and was talking to her about how scared I was and if it was smart to hang up on him like that and the phone rang again. And then I woke up. I just laid there for a second, so thankful that I had woken up. That's one of those dreams that you are so glad that you wake up from and don't have to endure it anymore. But all's well.

Mom woke up actually, and is going to go on a walk, and I think I'll join her, so talk to you all later! Love to all! Shalom

I think this one is better, don't you? We're kind of glowy, like angels. Cool. It's the EFY spirit, man. CTRock on

"Have you ever interdigitated?"

2006-06-23T22:49:00.000-06:00

I found this old picture of San Francisco, and decided that it was appropriate to use because this blog will be about that very place. Well, it's a bit different now, but it's still the same lovely place.

Today was a Spare the Air day and so BART and the buses and even the ferry was free, but I didn't take the ferry. I thought about it, but then decided against it. I was too lazy to find out when it left and stuff. But yeah, because of the freedom (and free-dom, ha ha), I took the bus to the Fruitvale BART and then BARTed to the Embarcadero Station, which takes me to San Francisco, right by the pier. So I spent the day wandering around San Fran. Nothing really significant happened. I bought the Incredibles at Rasputin music, and three cards from a little card shop for Mollie, Steven, and Liz. Liz's is the best, I'll post a picture of it on here soon. I did have an awesome experience, because I brought my camera with me, and as I was wandering around I saw a myriad of posters about iPods. There was a picture of a sheep that said "iSheep say bah." And a guy hanging from strings with the token "Have you become an iPuppet?" And my favorite, a robot with the slogan, "iDroid. Programmed to comply." Well, I thought it was very interesting, so I went to take a picture of it, and just as I was doing so, two guys with iPods walked by. I took the picture and I think that I just got the second guy in the shot, but it was amazing. It was a fabulous reality, I might even say. It was awesome. I don't necessarily agree with it, but it is interesting. If you want to check out the poster, go to idont.com and click on materials. I think that they're rather clever.

I also took a picture of a beautiful brick building with trees all lined in front and the sunlight filtering through to create patterns on the wall. Who knows if it will turn out, but it was very pretty. I also walked some of the more shady streets in the city, including where all the "men's houses" were. Actually, one of them caught my eye and made me laugh, because the advertisement on the building said "continuous live nude girls on stage!" As opposed to "continuous dead nude girls on stage!" I thought it was funny. But I guess that's not for everyone. However, I did see an ad for RENT live at the...oh, the something theatre. Dang, now I can't remember. Oh well, I doubt I would have been able to go anyway. Oh yeah, the Golden Gate Theatre. But yeah. That was kind of cool. That was about it though. It seemed strange that I walked around for about two and a half hours and didn't really do much, but I saw so much, and that's what I really love to do, just watch people. When I first got there, I got a sourdough bagel (which was amazing) and an apple juice at Noah's Bagels and just sat outside and watched the people go by. I love doing that. But then I came home and had some pizza and watched the Incredibles (which just gets better every time I see it) and now I'm content. Tomorrow I'm going with my mom and JoRene to see 1776, which Ray is in, and then we're all going out to dinner afterwards. I'm going to Singles Ward on Sunday (freaky!) and then going to Carla's to hang out with Gwen and Lenna. So I should have a pretty good weekend before I have to go back to pounding the pavement to look for a job. Oh, and congrats to Jill and Jeff, who now work at Bear Mountain Pizza. Hope that I can get a job soon too.

I had the weirdest dream last night. Well, I had quite a succession of dreams. You know how you wake up, and then say, oh I'm going to shut my eyes for a few more minutes and then you wake up an hour later? I did that all morning, and some weird dreams came out of it. I'm not going to go into detail, but Melissa and I tried to sneak into the choir room at the BYU campus at night but got caught, Jill let a 13 year old boy drive the White Knight while she and I spent the entire drive trying to find the Sons of Provo soundtrack, and Kelly Clarkson was at an EFY event. Talk about weird. I don't remember what I ate before I went to bed. Maybe it was the mint ice cream. And crap, I had some more tonight. Well, we'll see if I have weird dreams tonight. Anyway, I think that's about it in my life for right now, I'm still lonely so don't hesitate to call, and love to all! Shalom

P.S. I forgot to add something. I had lost my wallet at the airport here in Oakland, or on the plane somewhere or something, but nothing really important was in it, my Safeway Club card, my Albertson's Preferred card, my frequent buyer card from Hot Topic. The only thing important that was in there was my check card. Whoops. So I called and cancelled it and got a new one and that was all hunky dorey. So I got a package in the mail today from Southwest Airlines and you know what was in it? My wallet! Yay! Now I can save money at Safeway again! Thank you Bettie, Margaret and Woody! You're my heroes of the day!

"Look at that guy! He's got a beard and he's riding a scooter!" ~Steven Baxter

2006-06-20T20:33:00.000-06:00

This is the house that I was talking about in my last blog. I took a picture of it the day I got back from EFY. Quite a good picture, too, if I do say so myself. I'll add more pictures from EFY as I progress, I don't want to add them all now. But isn't this a gorgeous house? I get to bike past it any time I want. Sometimes I just stop and look at it because it's so beautiful. This really is an amazing place. On Saturday night Mom and I went down to the beach and walked up and down until the sun set. Just standing there with the city just to the left of the setting sun, with the breeze in your face and the waves gently rolling beside you. It was so amazing. I wish everyone I loved could have been there then. But then again, it was nice to just have Mom and I enjoy a quiet moment together. Either way, it was perfect the way it was. It was incredible.

EFY, by the way, was also incredible. I learned so much about the Lord Jesus Christ, and so much about the love that Heavenly Father has for me, and for all of His children. One thing that really hit me, was I was in a class about how much Heavenly Father loves you no matter what you're going through. And we were watching a clip from a conference talk, and I don't even remember who was speaking, but he said "Heavenly Father loves us so much more than our happiness." And that really got to me, because as the class went on and as I pondered on that, it is so true. Heavenly Father knows when he needs to send trials to us, and He knows when we need hardships in our lives, because He knows the outcome. He knows that it will be better for us in the end. On of the analogies that our teacher, Bro. Martin, gave to us, is taking his daughter in for her shots. He said that what if he had given in to her crying and pleading and not had her have to get a shot and then years later, she had developed polio because she didn't get that shot. When she came to him and asked him why she had polio, could he look at her and say, "it's because I love you. It's because I love you so much that I wouldn't let them give you that shot." A few moments of pain is infinitely better than a lifetime of suffering. We need to realize that the trials we have now are given to us because Heavenly Father loves us. He loves us so much, that He has to let us have that shot, because He knows that
that shot will prevent us from so much more pain. And He won't let us suffer any more than we need to suffer. Heavenly Father will only give us the trials that we need. He doesn't just hand out trials randomly. He knows us, each and every one of us, and He knows what we individually need. I guess that's what I really really got this last week. It was emphasized over and over, and that was what I needed to hear the most. It was truly awesome.

K, this has been going on for three days now, I keep trying to add more pictures and it won't let me, so forget about that.

Silly how I was talking about trials and then yesterday was one of the worst days I've had while I have lived here. I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad, in fact, I don't want anyone to feel bad, but I just need to get it off my chest. I just started crying and crying and I couldn't stop. I seriously haven't cried that much in a long long time. I just sat on the couch and hugged my legs and cried. Finally, I called Liz and talked to her for a while and it really helped. I just get so lonely, knowing that I can't call anyone up to go hang out, or that no one will stop by to say hi. And I can't keep calling people because I'm sure the phone bill is extremely expensive because of me. So finally after talking to Liz I cried some more, put in a Sherlock Holmes movie to distract me, and took a little nap. It was bad. That's how Mom found me when she got home. But luckily she's an amazing mother and made me a fruit shake and took me out. We went to Blockbuster and got the Matrix and then we went down to the beach for another walk. I should have brought my camera with me, but don't worry, we'll go again. Because it was so beautiful. The sun had already set but the horizon was fiery as the stars were coming out. I walked along the beach with my feet in the warm waves (yes, warm). We saw a fish once, all flashing silver in the shallow water. The ocean was the color of filtered moonlight and it was amazing. I need to have moments like this more often.

I had a really nice dream last night, that involved me going to prom with a very attractive young man who looked like the doctor from A Flea In Her Ear. Those who saw the show (and are female) know what I'm talking about. And he liked me. That was a plus. That dream also included me walking on water with the guy from King of Queens. Talk about weird. Don't worry, I wrote it all down in my dream journal. I also had a half dream yesterday morning after signing up for classes (which includes Russian, if I do say so) that was about me meeting my guardian angel. Pretty cool.

Ok, I am dying of heat, so I think I'm going to get some ice cream and watch Ordinary People, which is an amazing movie and I recommend it to everyone. I bought it today on sale, along with Edward Scissorhands. Oh, how my DVD collection is growing. I actually went to buy the Incredibles, but they only had it in fullscreen. Oh please. Anyway, I love you all, and miss you tons, so don't hesitate to ring me up! Love to all and to all a good day. Shalom

Be bold hence

2006-06-08T20:23:00.000-06:00

I want to include some poetry in this entry. I'm going to start with two that Darcy wrote with the magnets in the Jacobson's house, that I really enjoyed so I copied them down.

"shadow and storm beneath the moon
black rain was near beauty
frantically fall then soar in life
true loves stare like mist"

and

"his vision whispers music
I dream of symphonies
we sing for eternity"

Yay for Darcy. You're my hero.
You know, I'm going to rant for a minute about the Planet of the Apes, the new one. I did not enjoy it at all. Ok, the music was good, what I could remember of it. Which would be, like, the overture. But the rest of the movie was ridiculous. Sure, the makeup was amazing, but the acting wasn't, and the story? My goodness. There was no story. Fifteen minutes into the movie I was completely bored but somehow felt obligated (but what force I'm not sure) to finish watching it. There was no plot. No story line. The humans could talk? What was that all about? When it got to the end I wasn't surprised or even entertained at all. When they found out how the apes became intelligent I was just like, "oh. That was stupid." I didn't care about the characters at all. What about the old ones? I mean, come on, I cried when Cornelius and Zira died. I cheered when the apes took over the city. I felt something. Those movies are amazing. Pure genius. I kind of want to watch them again. Well, not really. But they are incredible.

And oh, the glories of public transportation. I took the bus to the BART station, and then took BART to Hayward, and then another bus up to the university so that I could watch a little musical theatre dealio with my mother. It was fun. And relatively easy. But at the moment, I'm bored, so someone call me. I can't think of anything else to say, nothing deep or spiritual or enlightening. So I'd like to close with a poem that I just wrote with the refridgerator magnet words. Love to all! Shalom

"to her he was but an angel
she sings his joy and screams his pain
morose as she observed his form and hers
fingers copulated
together they create a wax dream
a silhouette of music though she loves him
I am their lachrymose sleep"

"The notes are only seven." ~Andrea Bocelli

2006-06-05T23:50:00.000-06:00

You know, as I was bike riding around today, I realized just how beautiful it is here. Most of the streets that I was riding along looked like this. The houses are all old and Victorian, there is one that is simply gorgeous. It's big and white and has this awesome porch and there are vines and trees and plants all around it and it's amazing. I'll take a picture someday. But as I was riding along, I just thought of how happy I was to be back here. The streets are beautiful and all I can hear are the birds, the sunlight is filtering through the trees, and the breeze blowing in my face smells of the ocean. Hopefully I get a job down at the Alameda Towne Square because I would love to have to do that ride every day. And I must be in better shape than I thought because I rode everywhere and I'm not sore at all. Well, my butt is, but I think that was just the seat.

I cut my hair and it's amazing. It's so much lighter and cooler. It feels so comfortable to get all that weight off my head. Oh, several things. One, I got that quote because Andrea Bocelli was on KQED when we wanted to watch Antiques Roadshow, and he said "The notes are only seven." ? We think it means that he only knows seven notes. Maybe that's why we can't stand him. We also discussed the implications of Andrea Bocelli, Kenny G, and Yanni all doing a concert together, and the rift in the universe it would create, destroying all forms of life as we know it. I also learned how to play the didgeridoo that night. And I can tell you that you can't play the didgeridoo while laughing, but it is impossible not to laugh while playing the didgeridoo. It tickles. Anyway, I'm listening to Decemberunderground and loving what I'm hearing. I love Jade's voice, that's all I'll say. Oh, and Jeffrey? Guess who's picture I got? Adam! Ha ha! I'm very happy. With everything.

I actually was gone for about four hours getting applications and getting my hair cut and stuff. It really didn't feel that long. I left at about 11:30 and got back at a quarter to four. So I watched another Planet of the Apes movie. I only have one left to go. My goal was to watch them all before the end of the week, but that seems kind of stupid now. Pantherius is completely crazy, and we think that he has OCD now too. He licks constantly. Oh well. It's kind of hot in here. I miss you all and are thinking of you. I can't wait to go to EFY though, and hang out with Steven and Logan and Coop and Conklin. It's going to be beautiful. I can't really think of anything else to say. I guess I could go fill out applications now. But that's not fun. Maybe I'll watch the last Planet of the Apes movie while I do that. Wow, what a pointless existence I have. Mom won't be home till 7:30. Maybe I'll go on a walk. You know, actually, that sounds like a good idea. Maybe I'll bike down to the beach and hang there for a while. Yeah...Love to all. Shalom!

The Happiness Machine

2006-05-24T11:03:00.000-06:00

I forgot to add something last night. I love Ray Bradbury. His writing is so eloquent and so astonishing. He seems to understand human nature so well, he captures the very essence of our personality and tendency. I wanted to share this passage from Dandelion Wine, one of my favorite novels. This always strikes me, and I have to read it several times to let the full effect sink in. I hope that we can all recognize this.

And then inside the Happiness Machine, Lena Auffmann began to weep.
The inventor's smile faded.
"She's crying," said Naomi.
"She can't be!"
"She is," said Saul.
"She simply can't be crying!" Leo Auffmann, blinking, pressed his ear to the machine. "But...yes...like a baby..."
He could only open the door.
"Wait." There his wife sat, tears rolling down her cheeks. "Let me finish." She cried some more.
Leo Auffmann turned off the machine, stunned.
"Oh, it's the saddest thing in the world!" she wailed. "I feel awful, terrible." She climbed through the door. "First, there was Paris..."
"What's wrong with Paris?"
"I never even THOUGHT of being in Paris in my life. But now you got me thinking: Paris! So suddenly I want to be in Paris and I know I'm not!"
"It's almost as good, this machine."
"No. Sitting in there, I knew. I thought, it's not real!"
"Stop crying, Mama."
She looked at him with great dark wet eyes. "You had me dancing. We haven't danced in twenty years."
"I'll take you dancing tomorrow night!"
"No, no! It's not important, it SHOULDN'T be important. But your machine says it's important! So I believe! It'll be all right, Leo, after I cry some more."
"What else?"
"What else? The machine says, 'You're young.' I'm not. It lies, that Sadness Machine!"
"Sad in what way?"
His wife was quieter now. "Leo, the mistake you made is you forgot some hour, some day, we all got to climb out of that thing and go back to dirty dishes and the beds not made. While you're in that thing, sure, a sunset lasts forever almost, the air smells good, the temperature is fine. All the things you want to last, last. But outside, the children wait on lunch, the clothes need buttons. And then let's be frank, Leo, how long can you LOOK at a sunset? Who WANTS a sunset to last? Who wants perfect temperature? Who wants air smelling good always? So after awhile, who would notice? Better, for a minute or two, a sunset. After that, let's have something else. How could you forget?"
"Did I?"
"Sunsets we always liked because they only happen once and go away."
"But Lena, that's sad."
"No, if the sunset stayed and we got bored, that would be a real sadness. So two things you did you should never have. You made quick things go slow and stay around. You brought things faraway to our backyard where they don't belong, where they just tell you, 'No, you'll never travel, Lena Auffmann, Paris you'll never see! Rome you'll NEVER visit.' But I ALWAYS knew that, so why tell me? Better to forget and make do, Leo, make do, eh?"

Leo tries out the machine and while he's in it, it catches on fire.

Grandpa Spaulding studied the smoke ball in the sky and said, quietly, "Leo, was that it? Your Happiness Machine?"
"Some year," said Leo Auffmann, "I'll figure it and tell you."
Lena Auffmann, standing in the dark now, watched as the fireman ran in and out of the yard; the garage, roaring, settled upon itself.
"Leo," she said, "it won't take a year to figure. Look around. Think. Keep quiet a little bit. Then come and tell me. I'll be in the house, putting books back on shelves, and clothes back in closets, fixing supper, supper's late, look how dark. Come, children, help Mama."

When the firemen and the neighbors were gone, Leo Auffmann was left with Grandfather Spaulding and Douglas and Tom, brooding over the smoldering ruin. He stirred his foot in the wet ashes and slowly said what he had to say.
"The first thing you learn in life is you're a fool. The last thing you learn in life is you're the same fool. In one hour, I've done a lot of thinking. I thought...Leo Auffmann is blind!...You want to see the REAL Happiness Machine? The one they patented a couple thousand years ago, it still runs, not good all the time, no! but it runs. It's been here all along."
"But the fire-" said Douglas.
"Sure, the fire, the garage! But Lena said, it don't take a year to figure; what burned in the garage don't count!"
They followed him up the front-porch steps.
"Here," whispered Leo Auffmann, "the front window. Quiet, and you'll see it."
Hesitantly, Grandfather, Douglas, and Tom peered through the large windowpane.
And there, in small warm pools of lamplight, you could see what Leo Auffmann wanted you to see. There sat Saul and Marshall, playing chess at the coffee table. In the dining room Rebecca was laying out the silver. Naomi was cutting paper-doll dresses. Ruth was painting water colors. Joseph was running his electric train. Through the kitchen door, Lena Auffmann was sliding a pot roast from the steaming oven. Every hand, every head, every mouth made a big or little motion. You could hear their faraway voices under glass. You could hear someone singing in a high sweet voice. You could smell bread baking, too, and you knew it was real bread that would soon be covered with real butter. Everything was there and it was working.
Grandfather, Douglas, and Tom turned to look at Leo Auffmann, who gazed serenely through the window, the pink light on his cheeks.
"Sure," he murmured. "There it is." And he watched with now-gentle sorrow and now-quick delight, and at last quiet acceptance as all the bits and pieces of this house mixed, stirred, settled, poised, and ran steadily again. "The Happiness Machine," he said. "The Happiness Machine."

It really is amazing, isn't it. I don't want to ruin it with too many words of my own, but I wish we would all appreciate what we have and not go searching for that which we can't have. Love to all. Shalom

Talking about "Purple Stew," Lakin Rigby: "But you never get tired of it! You can sing it again and again...like Tupperware!"

2006-05-23T23:31:00.000-06:00

I was just reading past blogs, and it was very enjoyable. Reading about what I used to do, and just thinking out loud (gee, I thought my life was complicated then), writing directly to Steven. I miss that. Honestly, I miss a lot of things that we used to do. I read the entry where I almost lost Abish, and when I came home and was just really stressed out over it, Steven came over and we went to Riverside and walked around for like, three hours. That was awesome. And entries where I just thank him publicly for being so cool. I guess I can say that again. Thanks for being such a good friend, Steven. Thanks for being patient and for waiting. I've missed you.

Wow. I can think of nothing else to say. I don't want to be all sentimental (I guess it's too late for that), but I don't want to think about leaving or anything yet. So this is all you get. Love to all. Shalom and godspeed.

2006-05-18T22:51:00.000-06:00

I guess others are better at saying things than I am.

Here's something to think about
When things go wrong all the time
That luck can change like that high tide
Bad things can soon turn out alright

Misfortune, a tragedy
I can't seem to mind
Soon good will happen
If you look you just might find

So when you think this is the end
Good things are just around the bend
Again, bad things are just a sign
Good things will happen in due time

And with each passing day
So goes another life
Everybody wants to live
Some people want to die
So close your eyes
'Cause it's alright to say
Hello, Goodnight

Goodnight

So if this is to be our time
Just think of what we left behind
Will they say good of you to last
Or lose the memory of you fast?

Forever and ever
A wonderful thing
Will someone be grateful
For what we tried to bring?

It's late....
But just remember then
This day will never come again

Everybody wants to live
Some people wait to die
So close your eyes
'Cause it's alright to say
Hello, Goodnight

Goodnight
Goodnight
Hello, Goodnight. . . . .

~The Aquabats~

Strangely enough, one of the more mellow Aquabats songs. Actually, the only slow one I've ever heard. And I like it a lot. But yeah, there's too much to say and no courage to say it. Too much to say and not enough will. I can't write what I feel like some people can. Oh well.

"I would love to go somewhere else and pick peachy fruits in the early morning from the back of an elefunt." ~The BFG

2006-05-16T17:46:00.000-06:00

I've been much more contemplative lately. Sure, I've also had some wildly fun times, like jumping off the stage and lying in the middle of the hallway, but it seems like I have to put my life into perspective. I don't like to think about it, and it's kind of hard to, but I'm leaving very very soon. And it seems weird, because school hasn't lightened up, I haven't even begun to pack yet, but then sometimes I look over at my friends and just smile because I remember something that we did together. And it's sad that I'm leaving soon and probably won't see them for quite some time. I don't want to be all sentimental about it, or make a list, because for some reason, they really bother me, but I just want to say that even though I've had some crappy times, so far I've led a pretty good life. I think Jill said it best. Go read her blog.

I can't tell you how much it hurts to see the ones you love suffer. I remember in Medford, I had a friend named Brandon Manley, who I speak of with much fondness. He was an amazing person, highly intelligent, very talented, extremely funny and caring. But he had such problems with drugs and that sort of thing, that it hurt to know what he was doing when he wasn't at rehearsal or hanging out with you. You wished that he could just be with you all the time so that he knew that someone loved him and that he didn't need to be doing those sort of things. And what hurts the most was that it got worse after I moved. I'm not saying that I could have kept him from doing drugs or helped him become a better person, but I wish I had more time to tell him how much I cared for him, and how much I loved him for who he was. I do wish that I'll get to see him again someday, and tell him. Sometimes I think about all the wonderful times I've had and wish that I could have told the people I left behind how much I appreciated them and all that they did for me. It's something I'm trying to work on. I don't think you can ever tell someone that you love them too much. It just isn't possible. And as I go throughout my life, I think about how much more I could be doing for others, how much of a better example I could be, how much more Christ-like I could be every day. And I hope it's something I'm improving on, because goodness knows I'm working on it. Who knows. Maybe I should ask him.

Anyway, I went to my Dad's office and stayed there for a long time, waiting for a ride home and getting sheet music for Cabaret. He watched Big Fish with me tonight, something we've been wanting to do for a really long time. It was nice, the whole family joined in, minus Melissa.

I just want to say that though I've been going through some hard times lately, I really am grateful for the people in my life. Melissa was around for me this weekend when I was having a really tough time, and Monday morning wasn't much better. But seeing Mollie playing catch with herself and a tennis ball made me laugh and made me so much happier. Did I ever tell her that? I hope so. It's things like that that make me realize how lucky I am to have known these people and to have had them helped shape my character. So thank you all for being the best people I know. Let's make the last weeks I'm here the craziest and most fun a group of people could possibly have. Love to all. Shalom

"How frail the human heart must be-a mirrored pool of thought." ~Sylvia Plath

2006-05-11T10:53:00.000-06:00

This is one of my favorite songs. I was listening to it this morning, and decided that I wanted to share it with you. Isn't it strange how the songs of someone you have never known can describe your life perfectly?

Well I guess this is where I left my life
And all its operations
And I know that I will never get this twice
With all negotiations

This feels like the place between what is and might have been
So I guess this is where we both find out
If this is meant to be

And I'll tell myself, I don't need you
I'll tell myself enough to get me through
But I'll finally show you how I should have been being with you every day
If you can take a little more

Now it takes me back to times on Lincoln Avenue
When you said you'd never get tired of the boy
That seemed to be so far from growing up
But we were different then

This feels like the place between being ready and being in the way

And I'll tell myself, I don't need you
I'll tell myself enough to get me through
But I'll finally show you how I should have been being with you every day
If you can wait a little more

This feels like the time that I'm ready for you
Are you ready for me

'Cause I'll tell myself I'll make it through
I'll tell myself anything to get over you
And I won't blame you but I'm finally ready to show you
That I'm ready to show you, I'm ready to show you
I'll tell myself that I never needed anybody anyway, but anyway
I need you
I need you now
I need you now
I'm ready now

~Lincoln Avenue, Train

Life sure is weird. I only have a week and a half left of school and there seems to be so much that I have to do. So much. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because I'm worrying over everything that has to be done, not to mention I'm not doing so well emotionally right now. I'm so confused and worried. So much to be done, there's no time for emotions. Ugh.

Wow, it's only 10:10, and I am bored out of my mind. I guess I could sing with the treble choir. I think I might in a minute, because I don't have any homework to do and don't have much else to say. I don't know. Anyway, I wish you all the best of luck. I'm leaving in three weeks. How strange. So love to all. Shalom

"I'm dressed up as a ninja. I think I'll start fighting her once she stops talking." ~KC Harris in his dream

2006-05-01T18:19:00.000-06:00

I don't know, I've just been in a bad mood lately. I don't know what's wrong. It's not hormones, I know, because I've already been through that. I guess I'm just ready to get out of here and start a new life but I'm stuck here for another month. It sucks both ways, too. Cause I'm going to miss people and everything, but I'm just so ready to be done with high school. It didn't help that I probably failed a Calculus test today, mainly because I couldn't remember that the derivative of ln(x) is 1/x. How silly of me. I just skipped that problem. It was a Quotient Rule problem, so I probably would have gotten it wrong anyway. But there goes 4 points down the drain. Oh well. And I have the second half of the test to look forward to tomorrow. At least I'm finally getting my hair trimmed on Wednesday. I've been needing it for quite some time now.

I'm really excited for State Choir though. I have absolutely no idea how well we'll do, and so I won't offer an opinion on it, but just the prospect of performing in front of all those people gives me pleasant goose chillies. I'm so glad we're going to go last. It's going to be sweet. I really hope that I have a good experience outside the competition as well. We're right by the temple again, which is so cool so I'm definitely planning on going up there as often as I possibly can. Maybe Darcy and I will go up there at five in the morning again ; ). That was fun. Especially cause it was raining and we found a secret path behind the temple. And we got lost in the land of rich people homes. There was a Suburban and a basketball hoop in every driveway, I swear. But yeah, I hope I have a cool experience like that again.

Oh, I had the coolest experience on Sunday night but I don't really feel like relating it. So too bad for you. Though I will tell you it involved fright and horses. You can figure out the rest.

I've discovered that I'm becoming less and less tolerant of immaturity. There are some times when I just want to smack people and tell them to grow up. Or to stop acting stupid. I like having fun and being spontaneous, but I don't like being annoying or constantly crazy. More and more lately I've just wanted to slow down and observe the world around me instead of running through life only concerned about myself. I like silence. Sometimes the talking and laughing just gets too much. I mean, I love laughing, but sometimes I just want to listen. You can learn a lot by listening. Wow. That was meant in a good way, not a weird gossipy way or anything. Sorry.

Remind me to never go hang out at Max's when his parents aren't there ever again. It wasn't pleasant. Now don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed the movie, and I think I enjoyed it more because it was just me, Jeff, KC, Max and Cale actually watching the movie, but people kept coming in and out and apparently any plans that people have over the weekend involve going over to Max's house without his knowledge. So it was a little weird. But I did make Cale laugh twice. Which means my life is fulfilled. The first time was only because I fell off the bed, but I count it, and the second time was I actually said something funny and he laughed. Huzzah! I can die happy. But next time, someone come up with something that we had planned. So that I don't have to be mean to Max or them.

I'm reading the Da Vinci Code right now, and I haven't gotten very far, but so far I'm enjoying it. I hadn't read it before, and I bought it for six bucks at Albertson's, because, come on, how can you pass that up. K, I'm going to stop, because I don't sound like myself.

"I'm small and insignificant. Please don't squish me." Shalom

"Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of joy you must have somebody to divide it with." ~Mark Twain

2006-04-21T10:51:00.000-06:00

That statement, which I didn't really think about till just now, is very true. When I'm sad or depressed, I just want to be alone, and figure it all out by myself. I prefer to let my grief play itself out by crying alone or singing to Coheed and doodling or something like that. But joy. Joy you have to share with someone. When something happens that brings you such happiness, you have to tell someone. You just can't keep it to yourself. And if you share it with someone, that's even better, because you can talk about it for a long time afterwards.

I know I just blogged last night, but I'm just such a mix of emotions right now though. This picture (found under the title of So Many Emotions, So Little Time) fascinates me, and seems to entail what I'm feeling. So separate. And it has a bit of an Abaratian quality about it, which I really do like. There's just so much going on right now that I can't quite figure out, though I've spent quite a bit of time trying. I think I understand a little better, but what needs to happen now is the real question. I just don't know. We'll see, I guess.

I was just thinking about friendship and how lucky I am to know the people that associate with me. The bare fact that they hang out with me is incredible. They are all so wonderful, so loving, so fun, so forgiving. I've been quite a pest in the past, and still am occasionally (though I'm trying to be better) and they still like me. What great people. For instance, I had an amazing time yesterday. And I was just thinking about how Jill and I went through that time that we didn't really like each other and so really didn't hang out at all. But look at us now. After we swallowed our pride and admitted to each other that we were being stupid and that we missed each other (ok, ok, that's what I said), we're so much closer now because of it. I think about the times we've had together and I can't help but smile. There are so many memories there that we've shared, so many good times. So many deep conversations after snarfing chocolate and singing at the top of our lungs. I've had some of the best times of my life with Jill. And though I'm not going to go into them all, I can say the same about all my friends. There are so many memories that I am going to treasure when I leave. We have to have a mad time the week after graduation, because then I leave and the likelihood of my coming back soon is very slim. And that makes me sad, but not really. I mean, I was telling Jill yesterday, that I miss some of the old times that we had together, all the things we did. But then again, if I dwell too much on what we did then, then I wouldn't be paying attention to what I was doing now. And I was having an awesome time. So it's kind of the same thing. I'm going to miss everyone terribly, and I have tons of great memories and experiences to take with me. But I'm so excited to go out and start over, start over in a new town where no one knows me and I can rely on myself to meet people and just be myself. It's going to be crazy, but crazy cool. So as you can probably see, I am a mix of emotions and conflicting feelings. And some of them aren't going to be resolved anytime soon. But that's ok. As long as there is the sun in the sky (occasionally) and ice cream in the stores, I'm good. And I'm glad. I love you all, I hope you know. You're all amazing. Love to all. Shalom. Really.

"True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation." ~George Washington

"So if Nur is there, who's that kid?" "Older?" ~Jeffrey Jacket

2006-04-20T20:00:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to put that quote up there to see how many people actually think it's funny, because, unfortunately, I don't. I also didn't get it for quite some time. For those of you who aren't acquainted with Raage's little brother, his name is pronounced like "newer." Hence the joke. Sorry, Jeff, I just don't see the hilarity. I'll give you credit for making Jillian laugh a lot. I am, however, having a tremendously happy day. I'm sitting here, no shoes, listening to Coheed and Cambria after having the time of my life. Let me tell you about my amazing day.

I didn't have any homework to do 2nd period, which is unusual, so I just got to sit on the couch and read "Invisible Man," and then wander around the school wondering where Mollie is and why the random band kids from Mountain View were infiltrating our school. It was fun though. Choir wasn't as unbearable has it has been lately, we actually got something done and I'm rather pleased with our work. Lunch was fun, I carried a mirror with Anna that numerous people joked about breaking, and then I went home for some delicious peaches. When I got there, I heard Abish jiggling up to me, and when I saw her I just started laughing cause she had been given a bath, and her fur was sticking out everywhere. And she was looking at me so innocently. It was great. So after the delicious peaches, I had some cookies while walking back to school, and fourth period wasn't that bad either. We talked about Invisible Man and poetry the whole time, and I didn't even have to go to Calculus. I went to an assembly about men speaking out against domestic violence and the like, which was kind of depressing but also fun. I enjoyed it. After that I went to the middle school track meet, where the day got even better. I sat with Jeff at the top of a little hill watching Melissa totally kick butt (with her shin wrapped, she got first in all of her events) and hearing him tell funny stories about when he and his friends were in track. It was great fun. I rolled down the hill once after watching a little girl do it, and it was good until I got the only patch of gravel in the grass, which skinned my knee, but no biggy. It didn't dampen my mood. And then Jillian came up and offered the amazing invitation of going to Safeway and getting ice cream. How could I pass it up? So we went and got a half gallon of Bear Feet Brownie, which I must say was incredible, besides the fact that we ate it all. We felt a little sick after that, but whatever. The best part was when Isha came up to us and was like, "So is this like an extra-period-y day?" And Jill and I laughed cause that was exactly it. Jeff couldn't figure out how she could tell but girls just know this sort of thing. We hung around watching Melissa and Nur kick butt before we decided to...wow, I don't even remember what we went to do. Somehow we got to the center of the track field and got attacked by these three random children that I have never seen before in my life. They stole Jillian's Slinky, so we spent the better part of the next half hour fighting two little boys and caring for a third little boy. Ok, well, Jill took care of the little one while I got attacked and had to withstand the blows of two little blond boys who wanted the Slinky. Finally, we hid the Slinky and found the children's mother, who we introduced ourselves to, and then went over to the tennis courts and played on the chain link fence for a while. Then comes the best part. We went back to the car and chose to give Rachel a ride to the middle school while blasting Bohemian Rhapsody with the windows rolled down. After we dropped her off, we rode around till the song ended (because I accidentally switched it again while trying to turn up the volume) and so we just kept driving around, blaring music and waving to everyone. We would seek people out and wave till they waved back. We went to Safeway to wave at the people coming out and we saw the two buses with the middle school track kids so we drove in between the buses and waved on either side. It was tremendous. Then we saw Tamson so said hi to him and various others, until one kid flipped us off. Jerk. We were just trying to make people happy. So after that we were driving home and saw Raage's car in the school parking lot, found a window marker in Jill's van, and drew all over his windows before finally coming home. It was a glorious day. Seriously. And to end it all, I found this picture which makes me tremendously giddy. This is dedicated to Mollie. Love ya, Pants! Ah, the memories. Hope that your day has been as wonderful as mine, and if it hasn't, I hope that others will be! Love to all! Shalom

2006-04-18T11:25:00.000-06:00

I finished a blog today that I started before, so it's actually below this one, dated March 27th. It's a good one. You should read it. Shalom

Splendor Sine Occasu

2006-04-10T17:21:00.000-06:00

I had a most glorious time in Canada. I'm sure that you can't go to Canada and have a terrible time, but still, it was amazing. A lot of wonderful things happened, I grew closer to friends, and my respect for some people grew. It really was an incredible experience.

The driving time was definitely worth it. It didn't really feel all that long once we got there, and even the bus ride back wasn't too bad. But let me be more specific about the time I had there. (I'll include inside jokes and funny stories later, this is more informational and spiritual.)

Thursday:We left the school at a little after five. Nothing significant happened on the bus ride, but once we got to Victoria things picked up a little. We actually stayed in a rental house in Sooke (13 bedrooms, 22 bathrooms, 16000 sq. ft., 90 acres right on the bay, but no hot water). That was really fun. When we got there everyone started running around and looking at rooms and stuff, and exploring the many secret passageways we found. Then a small group of us sang under the dome in the Columbus room, which wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. It sounded cool, but picked up every flaw, which is useful, but it didn't sound that good. We discovered later that down in the basement where the sopranos held their sectional the sound was much better, so that was where we rehearsed that one day. After that we pretty much hung around and explored while some people went shopping for dinner. There was a lot of mischief and fun going on in different places. There were some disappointments, the house was so big that everyone sort of spread out and we didn't hang out as a group very much. And some people disappeared and we didn't get to really hang out with them at all, but oh well. No regrets.

Friday:We got to sleep in a bit, that was nice, and then we split up for sectionals. After about an hour of rehearsal, we met again and sang through some songs before heading out for a day in Victoria. This was by far the highlight of the trip. So much happened on this day, that it was kind of hard for me emotionally, and I had to go off by myself for a while afterwards. Anyway. We wandered around downtown for a while, shopping or finding somewhere to eat. Jacobson, Mollie, Jeff and I all went to a Greek restaurant that was very good, and then headed out to find gelato. After that, we all met at Parliament, where the tour was very boring, but what happened after makes up for all the ill in my life.

We all stood in a circle in the middle of Parliament, in a room with a high dome ceiling and a circular balcony in the middle looking down to the floor below. We started singing and words cannot describe what happened there. We started by singing Water Night, and when we cut off beautiful chords would spin around our heads and echo off the walls. It was hard to look at people, feeling what I felt. People would stop what they were doing to see, security guards would walk by and stop to listen. And then we sang Os Justi. At one point during the song I looked over at KC Harris, and he was crying. I watched as he had trouble singing so he would stop and just listen. I had a hard time keeping it together after that so I would close my eyes and feel the spirit of the music wash over me. And when we finished with the song, and sang the chant, I felt that nothing else in the world was as strong as the feeling of peace in the room. We were praising the Lord. The alleluias proceeding from our lips were praises of love and gratitude for our Heavenly Father. Nothing else. It was the Lord that was with us that day, and it was He to whom we were singing. I was trembling afterwards. And for the rest of the day I couldn't think about much else than my love for the Savior. I would sit and stare out the window on the bus and talk to no one. Then, when my heart was so full that I could feel it in my throat, I was told that the Latin phrase cloaking the British Columbia coat of arms meant this: Beauty Without End. Tears came to my eyes, for what else is more significant and appropriate? Beauty Without End. The music of our voices will be echoing in that building forever.

When we got home, I slipped away and walked along the bay until I found a small rock that was raised from the rocky beach. I climbed up onto it and sat there for a very long time, thinking about my life and watching a gorgeous sunset. When the sun had finally slipped away, I climbed the hill and explored the woods for a time, before I headed back to the beach. But on my way I found a tree, whose trunk curved up and then a single branch curved off to the left sideways and then grew up, so that there was a perfect perch for me to sit on. This I did, and watched as the sky grew steadily darker and the lights came on across the bay. And as I was sitting on that tree, I noticed something on the branch just by my seat. A hand, outlined in reddish powder (not unlike the painting that Rafiki does of Simba in the Lion King) was there. A hand, that when I placed mine upon it, fit mine perfectly. It was almost as if it were signifying that I was in the right place, that the tree was meant for me. It was amazing.

I then headed back to the house and walked about and talked with Jeffrey, ate dinner, and read for while. We watched half of Rent before Jacobson sent us to bed. However, we did not go to sleep. The girls in our room (Darcy, Kristy, Meghan, Jillian, Mollie, Paige and I) all sat up in our bed (with the exception of Kristy who was sleeping) and talked. It was great fun. We got yelled at twice but ignored it. We finally went to bed at about 3:30.

Saturday:Almost as good as Friday. We went to Craigdarroch Castle in Victoria which was really cool and almost creepy. It kind of reminded me of the sorcerer's house in the BBC version of Chronicles of Narnia, with all the woodwork. We sang again in that house, in the ballroom, but nothing can rival our experience in Parliament. After that, we went back downtown to do more shopping and get lunch, where KC, Jeff, Isha and I ate at the Old Spaghetti Factory, which was very good. Then we headed to the Butchart Gardens. That were nice, but I found them rather boring. I really don't like well-manicured gardens, the ones where everything is perfect. I like it better almost overgrown, a little disheveled, almost haphazard. I really liked the Japanese Garden, because it was like that, but there was an overwhelming sense of peace about the whole place, an assurance of calm. I must say, however, that walking over the hill and looking down into the Sunken Garden was incredible. It kind of surprised me, but a wonderful surprise. We walked around the garden for some time, and it was barely drizzling, so it was quite enjoyable. After that, we pretty tired, so Paige, Mollie, and I tried to take a nap, which didn't work very well. Finally, Steven came and got us for dinner, but the second batch wasn't ready, so we went to his room and lay down on his bed and listened to Ben and him play guitar for a while. Then when we got dinner, Mollie and I decided to be anti-social (and I wanted to talk to her) so we went downstairs to eat and talk, until people followed us and bugged us, so we went and found a room that we could lock ourselves into and talk. It was actually really nice, we sorted some things out and got a lot closer. With everything being said, we went back to the room and jumped on the bed, and then started running around the house. We went to the Columbus room where I tried to slide across the floor on my pillow (with disastrous results) and then started a game of hide and seek pillow fight, where you hide and then once the person finds you, you start pillow fighting. It was a lot of fun, but really exhausting. We didn't have a curfew this night, and I didn't want to join the rave they were having downstairs (it was rather frightening, I went in for a couple seconds, then left) and so went and sat with Steven and Mollie and Jeff and we talked for a while, and then Paige joined us and started coloring. We had fun, because everyone started gathering in that little room. We ate fudgesicles and listened to KC's story of how he asked Ellyn to prom and I got asked to prom by Batman. Overall, it was a fun time, with everyone finally coming together for a while. Then we got sent to bed at about four, and we left at nine the next day. We traveled all day and got home around 11:45 and all crashed.

Overall, it was an amazing trip, with many good experiences and wonderful people. I couldn't have asked for anything better. And though some bad things happened, that's what happens. It makes you appreciate the good more when you can compare it to the bad. I won't forget this trip, any time soon, and I am so thankful that I was able to go on it, to learn more about myself and others, and to feel the Spirit that strongly in music and sunsets and tears. Just look around and you will truly see what is there for us. Beauty Without End.

"Sure, it's money runs the world, but it is music that holds down the friction." ~The Anthem Sprinters

"When you die, do you think you'll smell better because you're a vegetarian, as opposed to being a carnivore?" "You mean if they set me on fire?"

2006-03-28T00:09:00.000-07:00

I don't know, I just don't want to do my Calculus, so I think I'll write a little story. And I'll call it "The Pants of Mollie."

"Once upon a time there was a beautiful girl named Mollie Pants. Everyone just thought that she was an abnormally pretty girl in high school, but really she was a Princess from the faraway land of Tweed. She had a little brother named Toto Baggypants and a fish named Norman. She had come to high school to see if she could find someone to take back with her and forever play hide-and-seek pillow fight. But everyone loved her so much and she had so many friends that she couldn't choose who to take. So she decided to go to the wise man at the top of There's-a-Wise-Man-At-The-Top-of-This-Hill Mountain and ask for his advice. She began her journey on what looked like a beautiful day but really it was cold and windy. While she was walking toward the mountain she met her friend Jeffrey Jacket, who generously offered the use of his coat, which she gladly accepted. After having lunch at Pizza Hut together, Princess Pants went on her way. As she emerged from downtown, she met Jamie Jeans and little Ethan (the very ugly baby or very cute monkey), with whom she had a dance party before realizing that it was getting late. She said goodbye and went on her way. Pretty soon though, she discovered that it was too late to reach the mountain that day, so she dropped in on her friend Beckah Bucket, who gladly accepted her into her home. They invited their friend Jillian the Fillian, who came over for the slumber party. After eating many Swedish Fish and laughing at Sam on helium, they decided to watch The Emperor's New Groove. Little did they realize, however, that the Swedish Fish that Princess Pants and the Fillian ate were drugged with a sleeping potion by the fiendish Yosef, in a mad attempt to reveal the identity of Cletus and Cap'n Shadysheets aka Horkley. While they were sleeping, Beckah Bucket fought the evil cur and fatally wounded him with a plastic sword. All was well. The next day, Princess Pants bid farewell to her dear friends and continued her journey. Closer to the mountain now, she began to take courage, when her close friend Steven The Resonator waylaid her on her quest. He snatched her away and took her in a little plane (lovingly called 'The Star Prince Charlie') and flew her to the top of Mount There's-a-Wise-Man-At-The-Top-of-This-Hill. Once there, Princess Pants and the Resonator searched beneath the bushes together until they found a small brown rabbit with a black nose, who introduced himself to them as Reepacheep the Wise Man. He didn't say why he was a rabbit. The Princess Pants asked him who she should take with her to forever play hide-and-seek pillow fight in the land of Tweed. Reepacheep told her that whoever made her the happiest was the one who she should be with. Princess Pants thought about it, and realized that everyone that she had met along her journey had made her happy, and that there was no one person she could choose, because if she only took one, then she would sometimes miss the others and she didn't want them to be left out. So she gave Reepacheep a carrot, built a 747 out of cranberries and asphalt, and flew all of her friends to her house in the land of Tweed, for an all-night party with lots of cookies and Canadians. No Swedish Fish. Then she flew all of her friends home, promised to see them the next day, and played a game of hide-and-seek pillow fight with Toto and Norman. THE END

There. That was ridiculously satisfying. And I can't wait for Mollie to read it. I hope she laughs a lot. Anyway, prom was fun. Not amazingly exciting, but fun. I just wasn't really in the mood to go to a dance, I guess. And I've been a little out of sorts lately, though I don't really know why. I miss some of my old friends, I suppose. I never really adjusted to the life here, and I miss them all. I suppose that's also why I didn't enjoy the dance as much. I just wanted all my old friends to be there. And Jeff. Anyway, my story was my biggest contribution today, I had better go work on my Calculus, so I bid you all a fond farewell, and love to all! Shalom

Save an Iraqi. Eat a sniper.

2006-03-25T22:46:00.000-07:00

I absolutely love this painting, The Broken Pitcher. I saw it at the Legion of Honor in San Francisco, and fell in love with it. I'm pretty sure I stood there staring at it for at least ten minutes. It's much better up close and big, where you can see her eyes. It looks like she's staring right at you, so much sadness and guilt in her eyes. Oh, it's beautiful.

And I'm sorry if my title is a bit inappropriate, Dad said it last night, and I must say I liked it, even though it is a rather large slander. I found it funny. And it's true. I wish we had never gotten ourselves into this war in the first place. We were stupid to do so. And now we're all getting sucked into it, whether we like it or not. Oh, what a tangled web we weave. That's why I like those little reminders, in songs, or movies, or books, about where we're headed, and what we can do to stop it, or at least how to promote awareness. Ignorance is one of the biggest hindrances to action. People don't do anything simply because they don't know. And we could point fingers all night as to who's fault that is, but I'd rather not get into a large debate. I have my opinion, and others may come talk to me if they wish to throw ideas around. I try to avoid political debates, mostly because there's a lot I don't know. I try to avoid learning about the mistakes of our government, so I don't watch the news or keep up with current events. It's pretty much all the same now, anyway.

But enough of that. Today was fast Sunday. I like fast Sunday. Even though it means my stomach deciding to speak up at the most inconvenient times, it certainly is a good reminder. I don't think about the Lord as much as I ought to during the day, so it's nice to have a day set aside so that I can get into the habit. And I'm a coward and didn't get up and bear my testimony like I said I was going to. I just missed the opportunities and was stupid and never got up when I got the chance. I just don't like crying in front of everyone, it embarrasses me, and it's an inevitability that I'll cry. But yeah, I'm an idiot. Maybe next time. I'll have to have someone pinch me or something so that I'll be sure to get up. But other than that, it was a really nice Sunday. All my meetings were fun (Young Women's consisted of me, Melissa, Annalicia, Karen and Brooklyn) and we had waffles for dinner yay! Then we went singing, which wasn't very exciting until we decided to go to Safeway and sing in the entryway, which has really good acoustics. We sang a bunch of choir songs for about an hour, it was really cool. And I love the weird looks we get from people. Though that one guy that asked us if we all had a personal relationship with Jesus was a little creepy. And I froze my butt off sitting inside the little ice container thing. I really wanted someone to walk by though and see me, that would have been fun. I like creeping people out. But not seriously. Just for fun.

You know, I was just listening to a commercial about the Ten Commandments (I guess they made a remake), and I wonder why no one has ever made an accurate movie. I guess because it wouldn't sell, but I'm interested in seeing a movie where Moses really does have trouble speaking, where it shows that he's a man, and therefore has the obstacles that come with being a mortal. Does that make sense? I think it would be cool.

So life is going pretty good right now. I've got another fest planned, General Conference is coming up, house-sitting is fun (though that stubborn cat is sometimes a pain), and if the weather gets better I'm going to have a picnic in the park or something. It's so nice just to relax. I've been going and going for so long, not being able to get rest, that it's so nice just to slow down. Though I don't sleep well at nights. That's when the coughing comes back and it keeps me up. So then I end up sleeping late and wasting half the day. Bummer. We'll see though. Hopefully I'll get better before school starts again, because I hate being sick at school. It is no fun. I can't wait to get back to work in choir though. We've got some serious work cut out for us, and I hope that the people who don't care now will come to care, because this means a lot to a lot of us. A lot to a lot of us. Ha. What fun. Anyway, I think I'll split. Like a log. Shalom!

One smile away from death

2006-03-20T22:33:00.000-07:00

I don't want to seem negative or degrading to anyone or what anyone else believes or has said, but by nature I'm a rather cynical and sarcastic person, and so if you think that you'll get offended, please don't continue reading this post. I need to get some things off of my chest, and this is the easiest way to do so. This is just going to be the random thoughts that have been floating around lately.

I wish people could understand that nothing is permanent. People always talk about how they never would have made it if it weren't for their friends and how they're so much a help in their lives, blah blah blah. I mean, that's very true. I'm very grateful for the people in my life, and they've taught me a lot, but I'm going to leave them. Or they're going to leave. In my life experience, you can't rely on the people to always be there for you. I just can't stand it when people talk about how their friends saved their life and how they couldn't live without them. The one time that I struggled with that the most was because of friends. I felt like no one really cared and that I didn't have any friends who could help me. I had a best friend, sure. But it was true. There was no one. So I turned to the one person who is always there, who will always be there, who will never let you down. Christ lifted me that day, when I came so close to giving up and throwing it all away. And that's where I discovered permanence. In the love of Jesus Christ. His arms are always open, and He is always willing to wrap His arms around us to comfort us in our darkest hours. I know that without the knowledge of His love, I would not have made it, so long ago when I left all that I knew. And I know how terrible it would be if I lost those people that I love the most, but with what I have, I think I could make it. I know that the Lord sometimes sends us people to help with our trials, and sometimes He doesn't. Sometimes (like when I moved here, and had only my family), we are alone. That's it. We don't have anyone, except our family, who sometimes aren't the best help. And yet, they truly are the only ones who know what we're going through. And soon they won't be there either. I'm going off to college, and I will be alone. I will not know anyone (except for a select few, who I probably won't see) and I won't have anyone to turn to. What do I do then if I have learned to rely so much on others? I would probably go crazy. That's why we have to learn to be independent. We don't have to completely separate ourselves from others, that's not what I'm saying. The people in our lives can be a huge help, but you can't completely rely on them to provide for your happiness. It's hard enough going through your own life without trying to completely support others as well. That's why I get so annoyed with the people who bear their testimony of their friends. I'm not perfect, of course. I'm very far off. But if your testimony and view of life isn't centered and focused on Christ, you're going to have major problems, even more so than the ones you signed up for before this life. Christ can help you through anything. He knows the true meaning of being alone. He didn't even have His family during His most terrible sufferings. He had nothing. He knows the true meaning of sorrow and pain. As in Alma, the first two things that Christ suffered for were not our sins, but our pains and our afflictions. He knows. And I know that He knows. I have laid in bed and cried and cried and talked to the Savior, thanking Him for His grace, and for suffering so that He could comfort me. He knows. I have imagined feeling the prints in His hands and feet, and looking into those eyes that have seen so much pain, so much sorrow. I have literally felt His arms around me in the cold isolation of night, when you're sitting in bed with your arms clasped around your knees, rocking back and forth. I know of the tears of pain that turn to tears of joy when you realize how much your Heavenly Father loves you. It's taken me quite a while to get to the point where I can think of my Father in Heaven as much as I do. I'm still trying, I still have trouble with it. But it's so much better than it was before. And to know that you are a child of God puts so much into perspective. Sometimes I just lay in bed and talk, talk to Him. He understands, and even though He knows it all anyway, I think that He appreciates me telling him nonetheless.

I guess the tone rather changed in this. There is hope. The Lord will always be there for you and me, and though your entire world crumbles around you, there is always the Savior to reach out and place His hand on your shoulder, to brush the tears off your face, to fill you with such love and peace that every inch of your body is filled with joy, till you could spread wings and fly. Lift your head, and see what Father and Brother is waiting for you, waiting for you to simply look up.

Please. Look up.

"Ah, there's nothing like a good didgeridoo." ~Becky Holt

2006-03-16T10:50:00.000-07:00

Guess what today is? It's Steven's birthday! Happy Birthday, Steven! Even though absolutely nothing significant happens on your 17th birthday, I'm sure it will be wonderful. See, even this guy is excited about it. But with the musical and all. Not really. Go make yourself a cake. Or I'll make you a cake. Do you want a cake? I'll bring you a cake. And don't share it with anybody.

It's also opening night, which is totally not as cool. And even less cool is the fact that tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day, which means Emily was wrong. Last year we opened on April Fool's, so we thought we were opening on St. Patrick's Day, which would mean that we open on a holiday twice in a row, but that's tomorrow and not today. Oh well.

This is a message to my dear friend Cap'n Shadysheets, AKA Horkley: I hate you! You make me so mad and frustrated! If you think for one minute that I'm going to let you treat me that way you did before, you're wrong! I will seek you out and destroy your pitiful existence! There is nothing you can do that will hurt me anymore! You suck! Eat my drugs, you worthless piece of crap.

Ok, I'm done. I just had to get that out there. I'm super tired and kind of sore, but I am excited and scared that it's opening night. Though we did do a lot better with the orchestra last night than the night before, so hopefully tonight will be even better. I can't wait to perform in front of an audience. Well, an audience that responds. Even though we only had a few people there and it was only final dress, I hate dead audiences. We should have put laughers out there. I remember once when we put Evan Birchfield out in the audience to be a laugher, and it was hard not to laugh yourself because you could hear his distinctive laughter pop out. It was great. Evan is the sort of person who when he thinks something is funny he freaks out. He'd lean forward and laugh loudly and then lean back and chortle. I can't quite describe it, but it was great. Quite amusing. And very contagious. I miss him, actually. I remember when I first went to school with him, he kind of scared me, but then I got to know him a little better by hanging out with him and Liz, and started to understand him better. Then his senior year we worked together on theatre stuff a lot, and we became good friends. He's the sort of person who you would hate and would be really offensive if you didn't know him, the way he explains things is really degrading. But he's very intelligent, and quite funny, and you just have to get over his quirks. We've had some very interesting conversations about politics and theories of time and stuff.

Ok, enough reminiscing. I'd probably better go read Hamlet, as we're supposed to have Act IV done today. So love to all, everyone who can come to the musical, and a very happy birthday to Steven! Shalom

Quietous Lumberful

2006-03-10T11:17:00.000-07:00

I'm tired. Tired of lack of sleep, tired of unexcused absences, tired of Calculus, tired of being yelled at, tired of not working, tired of being sad. I'm just tired. I get into these little bouts of happiness, where I have fun and make jokes and stuff, and then I go back to just sitting around and thinking about life and getting all depressed. There are some good things recently. I used to dread rehearsal, and I still complain about going, but once I get there it's not so bad. I'm fasting today and tomorrow for the Fast for Freedom, which is good, and I'll be inspired by that, especially because it will be so hard tomorrow during rehearsal. I have good books to read, I have someone near to talk to me, I have family that's coming to see the show. And the show of course. I was telling Katelyn how all the bad things that have happened during rehearsal all go away on opening night. When you get out there, and the audience is there feeding you energy, and so you give it back, and the lights are shining on you...that feeling...there's nothing that can compare. That's why I do this. I love to look out into the dark house and feel the eyes on me, expecting. So I step up for them. I give them my heart, and they give it back in full. I love it so much. There's nothing that comes even close to that feeling. It's hard to put it into words, but I think you understand what I mean.

Laura and I gave the lesson today in seminary. It was so much fun. I love teaching. Well, not teaching in general (I've already found out that I suck at teaching math, I can't explain anything) but I love to teach the gospel. Once I get older and get a calling, I really want to be a teacher. There's just something about teaching the principles of the gospel to others that does something for me. And I think I can do if proficiently, as in I think people understand what I'm trying to say.

Though I have to be careful what I say everyday. Katelyn and I had this conversation too (actually, it was a very good conversation that we had...good old Aviation) and I'm a very cynical person. It's hard for me to look at things innocently...does that make sense? I mean, I can't look at things as they are, I have to wait and investigate and figure things out before I can judge them. I can't just look at something and assume it's wonderful. And this, in turn, has made me very sarcastic. I have the witty sarcastic comebacks just waiting on the tip of my brain, and it's not such a good thing. I'm trying to work on it, because I've hurt people before, and I don't mean to. It's just what comes out first. And it's really hard to try and redeem yourself. After you say something, you can't just tell people you didn't really mean it that way. So I'm working on it. It's just hard.

I don't know. I've been a lot more contemplative lately. Life has just been a little weird lately. I have nothing really to complain about, some things are working out, but it just seems like I can't look at anything and really be happy. And it's hard, because I want to be happy, and make other people happy, but there's something about the way the days have been that just get me in a rut that I can't get out of. Sometimes I just wish I had wings so that I could fly off and not come back. Just be somewhere different. Experience different things, meet different people. Make a difference. Just be somewhere where it really matters.

I love you all, and have a wonderful day. Shalom

Let My Spirit Soar

"A brass unicorn has been catapulted across a London street and impaled an eminent surgeon!" ~The Abominable Dr. Phibes

2006-03-06T13:06:00.000-07:00

I looked up "bored" in the Google Image search and found this picture. How bizarre. But it makes me laugh. This is what I do when I'm bored. Dress up like an old man that's dressed up as a pirate. What else is there to do when you're bored? Eat Popsicles, I guess. But if you don't have any Popsicles, as I do not, you are forced to sit in the library and blog because there's freaking nothing else to do. Especially if you left your book at home. And did all your homework. And I'm not hungry. I brought a dollar today to pay Katelyn back, but since she's not here, I was going to use it to buy cookies with Mollie. I guess I could buy cookies for myself...But cookies are the sort of thing you share with people. Like rainbows and good books. Oh well.

I don't want to go home either, because there's nothing for me there but a twenty minute walk to and from school. And that's not something I want to do right now. I just want to go home and stay there. Sleep and sleep until I'm no longer sick and tired. It's just ridiculous how long I've been sick and I want it to be done. I want to be healthy again. I want to have fun at rehearsal instead of just sitting around being exhausted and annoyed. I want to be able to concentrate at school and learn instead of just sitting there in a stupor. I want to be able to sing! I miss it so much. Ok, I want to be able to sing well. I sang today but it sounded horrendous, and I don't like sounding horrendous.

Anna just pointed out to me that there are now 26 flyers for military recruitment in the library. 26. All in one place. And there are four of the exact same advertisements for summer jobs for the military in the school paper. Four! And we want to know why there are no alternate job listings or alternate career flyers available in plain sight. I guess we have a topic for SFT tomorrow. Ugh. I hate getting military junk. I've already expressed to them that I'm not interested in the army. I don't want to support an idea I don't believe in. But why can't they provide alternate careers and jobs? Because they want you to believe that the military is the only option. The only honorable career. Well, they can suck my big toe. Fighting is not the answer. Bring our troops home. Stop the killing for a cause that was either won or lost long ago. Who even knows what we're fighting for anymore? Grrr. This sort of thing gets me all worked up. And I just read a little article in our school paper about military recruitment, and how you can get your education payed for by joining the military. Too bad they fail to mention the fact that while on active duty, you might die.

Boredom sucks. I'm dying from ennui. I wish I could just run away from school, take a little while to get better, and then go live with Liz for a while. I wouldn't have to worry about school or homework or the musical or friends or anything else that might cause me stress. I just want to be able to be happy, and that ability is slipping away from me. Little things make me happy, like chocolate, and certain songs, and reading books, and word searches, and curly hair, but I'm just so tired, I don't even pay attention to those things anymore. Ho hum.

Well, in closing, I would like to share a traditional Abaratian song with you, one that's been stuck in my head for a while now, and it gives me some amount of joy in this dark existence of mine.

(to be sung to the familiar tune of "O Christmas Tree")
O woe is me!
O woe is me!
I used to have a hamster tree!
But it was eaten by a newt
And now I have no cuddly fruit!
O woe is me!
O woe is me!
I used to have a hamster tree!

"I wish more art was made with explosives." ~Buster Baxter from "Postcards from Buster"

2006-03-03T16:34:00.000-07:00

I had forgotten that I had never posted these pictures. These are from Single Awareness Day, if you hadn't guessed, and Jill and I dressed up for the occasion. We're pretty hot, aren't we? And we're mourning the loss of our nation, so we had to have tear drops signifying our pain. We did not kill anyone. All I can say is I will never go totally goth, cause it takes way too long to get ready.

I really don't want to go to rehearsal tonight. My voice is starting to come back but it still sounds kind of funny. It just sounds like one big voice crack. However, there is something good about it, because the single most amazing thing happened to me today. Well, maybe not, but it's pretty up there. I will put it in blod type just to emphasize the wonder of the event. I sang bass in choir today. In the octave. Seriously. I was going to sing tenor, but I couldn't sing that high, so I decided to sing baritone. But I switched back and forth because some of the baritone notes were too high. How amazing is that. That's a fabulous reality right there. It was incredible. Seriously. I am so proud of myself that I get to say that now, that I have sung bass. Wow. I must chronicle this event because I know that it will never happen again, because I never hope to be sick like this again. But yeah. It was wicked sweet. Udo magnolia and snickers.

The other thing about being sick is it does wonders for your figure. I've lost a bit of weight from not really eating for the past two weeks, and my abs are really tight because the coughing has really been a good workout. Not that I really care, but it was kind of a nice discovery.

Hmmm, what else to talk about? I'm reading Abarat right now, which is a really good book and I recommend it to everyone. I don't have any Calculus because I finished the assignment in class today, which was also cool because it was easy and I actually understood what I was doing. And it was actually Calculus. That's remarkable. I'm going to try and sleep all day tomorrow (besides doing chores and going to the basketball game) so that I can get better. I'm also going to ask Dad for a blessing because I really need to get well and stay well, because the show's coming up, and then there's choir districts, and I really need to rehearse the songs cause I haven't been singing lately. My own part. Ha. Anyway, there really isn't anything else to report, so I think that I'm going to go take a bubble bath with Incredibles bubbles before rehearsal and relax for a little while. Love to all!

Oh yes, and good luck to everyone who is participating in Solo and Ensemble tomorrow. I hope that you all do well! While I'm sleeping! Ha ha! Sorry. Had to throw that in there. I love you all. Shalom!

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." ~Groucho Marx

2006-03-01T12:39:00.000-07:00

Ah, I haven't seen a Marx Brothers movie in so long. I miss them. They have become family to me. I grew up with them, and they will always be a part of Liz and I. Such fun.

I feel like crap. That pretty much sums it up. I'm not going to go into detail to avoid grossing anybody out, but it is not fun, and I can't taste anything. I'm also kind of worried, because I'm not really hungry (which usually happens when you're sick) but I should probably eat something anyway. Oh well. I'm sitting here in the library blogging because I don't have a lunch and Mollie's not here and so I have nothing to do. Donnelly said that I can drop AP Lit but I need half of an English credit, so I might switch into 2nd period American Lit with Katelyn, so that I can have fourth free. Max is trying to convince me to stay because I'm almost half way through, but I've thought about this a lot, and I'm pretty sure that I don't want to stay in a class that is taking up so much time and energy and I'm not learning a thing. Sure, I can get college credit for it, but I didn't get credit for AP Comp and I learned so much more in that class. We'll see. I told Donnelly that I'd think about it and get back to her tomorrow so I have the evening to think about it. Though my plans were to go home and sleep until rehearsal. Oh well. I'll have rehearsal. But I have a shotgun in AP Lit today (though what it's on beats me, considering we're supposed to be working on individual projects and we haven't learned anything recently, not to mention I haven't been here for the past two days) and I have a test in Calculus, which I'm not taking because I haven't been here. Life is crazy. And with the musical and being sick, I don't know if I can handle it all. So I'll think about it.

I listened to the Edward Scissorhands soundtrack last night, and man oh man, is it amazing. It just gives me goosebumps to listen to it. That movie is so emotional for me. But it's a good emotional. It's not all depressing and dumb, it's very enlightening. I think a lot after that movie, and that's what good movies should do. Make you think. Unless you're sick and just want to shut your brain off for a while, then you watch a cartoon or something. But most of the time I don't like to waste my time with those sort of movies. I like movies that make you think. Or laugh. Or both. Those are the best kinds.

I'm sorry that this is so sporadic. I tried to give a little thought in early morning seminary today and I guarantee that I didn't get my point across. It made sense to me, but then again, I'm on drugs to make me feel better, so I don't know what it sounded like to the others. Probably completely pointless. Oh well. You do what you can. I really want to feel better too. I'm tired of being sick. I'm doing all I can to get better but I just want to know that I don't have to care and feel wonderful and not lose sleep because it feels like I swallowed a stick that is now lodged in my throat the wrong way. But what would I do fourth period? Go home, for sure, cause I'd have an extra long lunch, and probably do my Calculus. My mouth tastes like Throat Coat and cough drops. Kind of a weird combination. See? This all makes sense and is connected in my mind, but you're probably all thinking that I'm absolutely crazy and probably should be taken away by the men in the white coats. With beady red eyes. In the form of mice. But that's Hitch-hiker's, and that's a different story. A very interesting and well-written story, I might add. Wow, I think I'll stop now.

I wish you all a fond farewell, I'm going to go sit on the couch and read a book, or go sit on the couch and look like I'm reading a book but actually I'll just be staring at the words on the page with my mouth hanging open looking like an idiot, so love to all! Shalom

"Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers, and me."

2006-02-27T21:55:00.000-07:00

Being sick gives you lots of time to think and dream. I'm not even going to begin to describe the weirdness of my dreams lately (probably because they were drug-induced), but I mean, today I was on a plane or sitting in an airport since 6:30 so I had lots of time to think about my life and where I am. There have been ups and downs, sure, but there has been a lot that has worked out. But can you really appreciate what you have when you see others suffering? I mean, you can look at them and say "wow, I'm really glad that I'm not going through that," but it's hard to do when you can see how much pain they're going through. I don't want that pain, and luckily I don't have it, but you wish you could do something to help others. You wish you could reach out and help someone through their troubles, but there are some things that you can't help with, and you just have to stand helplessly by, whether because of something you did or because there is no outside help that will suffice.

But then there are the little things that happen every day that help when you're down, like listening to Water Night or reading your scriptures, even if only for a few minutes. I haven't read my scriptures in so long, because I've been doing other things or being sick (not that it justifies it), but when I started reading again there where an evident difference in my life. I slept better at night, going to seminary adds a measure of brightness to the day, I have scriptures going through my head instead of stupid things I might have heard. There's comfort there. At my Oma and Opa's 50th wedding anniversary (which was tremendously fun) they talked about Roxanne, and how she's always been a part of the family even though Eric is passed away. We threw a rose out into the bay for him, and even though I don't really remember him, there was that spirit there. I almost started crying several times, but was it because of the missed opportunities on my part, how I never got to know him? I don't even know. I just know that it was touching, and that I'm so grateful to have the family that I have, even though none of that side of the family share the same beliefs as I do. We're still a family, even if some have passed on. Or was I crying because it's not eternal as it should be? I don't know. It's hard to discern emotions sometimes in the moment.

I'm feeling terrible, so I think I'll go to bed, but I guess the point of this is that there's joy in the little things in life. Being sick has really brought me down and made my emotions go crazy and made everything dreary, but there's little moments of happiness that creep up on you and before you know it, you're enjoying yourself. I don't know about the trials in other people's lives, but I wish you all the best, and pray that the Lord will be with you always. I love you all, you're all wonderful people, so I bid you a good night.

"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."~Albert Einstein

Shalom

"I don't love her! She kicked me in the face! I hate her!" ~Madmartigan from Willow

2006-02-24T11:11:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking about Willow and what a great movie it is. I mean, like this chick, Sorsha? Holy crap. She is the baddest movie-girl ever. Like, Xena Warrior Princess looks like a Barbie compared to this girl. She just goes around kicking people in the face and killing people with her freaky serrated sword. Anyway, that was my girl power moment of the day...

I'm stuck between having Battle of Jericho and Silver and Cold stuck in my head. A very bizarre combination. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it. Probably nothing.

I'm leaving again today, and I finally got caught up in all of my classes. But I'm so stressed with everything that's going on, I just have to relax this weekend, and have fun in the nice warm sun, and not worry about it. I'll get caught up again on Tuesday, and luckily I won't be missing rehearsal, unlike today, which will be the second dance rehearsal in a row I've missed. Ha, dance captain. But we had a dance rehearsal on Wednesday as well, so I actually don't know what tonight's is going to be. Oh well. I'm too lazy to find out, and I don't care enough to...care. I'm really tired and everything is kind of weird right now, but I had a muffin and I can't say orgy. Life is moving too fast and I wish I could just run away from it all. I wish some moments wouldn't end and I didn't have to be home at a certain time and I want to go horseback riding. I want lots of chocolate and to sleep in late and then read a book sitting by the window all wrapped up in a quilt while it's raining. Wow. I don't know where all of that came from. But my head hurts so I'll think I'll leave you all now.

Life is good, I'm doing ok, getting better (yay!). Love to all! And this is most definitely the coolest character in Labyrinth. Sir Didymus. "Was that my stomach or yours, Ambrosius?" Ha!

2006-02-10T13:09:00.000-07:00

Heartbreak, incarnate, I'm nothing if not your memories
Heartbreak, please let me be your joy and your pain
Someday I will be...
I'll be those common words spoken uniquely
Because I may, will forever be floating as you feel.
Where all remaining failed.

Please let me haunt as scent on your pillow
Letters of past are tear stained and wrinkled
Please let me haunt as scent on your pillow
Letters of past are tear stained and wrinkled

(Just say) Say you will for me (for me)
Invite me to your memory
(Just sing) Sing again for me (for me)
That long forgotten song

"Synesthesia"~AFI

My life is a roller coaster. I wouldn't mind so much if I didn't get queasy. I don't mind change or anything like that, and I don't really mind the bad times. But sometimes it just happens too fast. Life was wonderful, things were moving along nicely, not too fast, not too slow. I was beginning to find myself again. Now I'm hurtling down a slope with no way to brake. Is it anybody's fault? Probably not. Maybe I just don't want to accept the mistakes I've made and it's causing me to slip. But I thought I was doing ok. I thought we had worked everything out. But once again, I can't be happy. There's too much at stake. Too many others depending on me. Too many people pulling from different sides. Where do I go? I lose myself in music, in the words of others, in the haunting melodies. But is it enough? Can I bring myself to step back from open arms when that's all I really want? Can I allow myself to give up something that I've come to look forward to? Whose happiness is really important here? Must I totally forget myself and give my all to others? Will that really make me happy? They say happiness comes from losing yourself in the service of others. But you mustn't kill yourself, even if it's only your heart that's breaking. I can't go on like this. I find strength in the Lord, and in music, and in the friendships that have formed recently, but now I'm losing it. It's all becoming grey. To keep from hurting others, I have to step back. I have to leave it all to them.

What do I do? My heart is being torn apart. There's so much to care for, but so much responsibility. I don't shy away from responsibility, but I can't choose. But I'm being forced to. So what do I choose?

what once did exist, now is meaningless
and doesn't it seem funny, how soon you did forget
all the words have now lost their weight
but i remember, i remember

desperation, devastation
all i truly know
is isolation
self damnation
all life that i'd own
was shed and worthless now

what i knew was wrong
one who lived is gone
guess it was just an echo
when you would sing my song
all the notes you'd forgotten now
you left abandoned, i remember

desperation, devastation
all i truly know
is isolation
self damnation
all life that i'd own
was shed and worthless now

i can
hate myself
more...
more than anyone

will you join me?

i know that you know that this tortures me!
have i created the suffering?
show me!

or do you happily cut, further in?
to sever what's left inside, that binds me

now all i feel is

desperation, devastation
all i truly know
is isolation
self damnation
all life that i'd own
was shed and worthless now

desperation, devastation
all i truly know
is isolation
self damnation
all life that i'd own
was shed and worthless, worthless now

"Rabbits Are Roadkill on Route 37"~AFI

"Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life." ~Bertolt Brecht

2006-02-03T10:46:00.000-07:00

I had such an awesome time with the Tibetan monks yesterday. The performance Wednesday night was amazing, with the chants and the dances and the instruments, it was so incredible. Then yesterday I had lunch with them (they came to our school) and stayed for fourth period making butter sculptures, which was very fun and I was very proud of mine. But talking with them was so cool. And it is interesting, because there is so much that they know that I know to be truth. There are discrepancies in our beliefs, but there is so much the same. Basic principles, of being kind and not having worldy attachments and giving all you have. So much that is so true about life. And I was talking to this one guy, and he was talking about how much of our lives are spent doing completely pointless things, how much of our life is spent just trying to satisfy our "needs," and how much time we waste. Before you know it, half of your life is gone and you don't have much to show for it. It really made me think about what I'm doing in my life, and if it's all really worthwhile. And their devotion fascinates me. To spend all day studying, for most of your life. You must have such a desire to learn and grow. Which I do. A lot of the times I just want to run away from school and home and life and just go around learning about the gospel and sharing it with others and learning about life through experience and not from a textbook. The monk I was talking to the whole time, we asked him what he wanted to do when he was finished with his studies, and he said that he wanted to be a vagabond. He just wants to wander around, not worry about having a job or food or clothing, but just follow the paths that are set before him. I think that that is so cool. It really makes you think about what you're doing with your life and how selfish it tends to be. We always think about me or I, when really we're not isolated in this world. There are so many other people that need our help, and those that have more have an obligation to help those that don't have. It's a simple rule that a lot of people missed in the course of life. Instant gratification. That's all we care about. And I'm not saying I'm not guilty of this as well, I know I am. But sometimes someone comes along and shows you how much happier and more content you could be with your life if you devoted yourself to helping others. It's really nice when things like that happen. A real eye-opener.

I am kind of mad at myself too, having that amazing experience and then just going back to my normal life like nothing happened. But I have a few reminders now, and I think about what I'm doing more often. I put my butter sculpture on my shelf where I can see it, and I bought a set of prayer beads that are hanging on my wall to remind me what I should be praying about. So it changed me a little, at least. I hope permanently.

On a different note, we had so much fun last night. Darcy, Jeff and Sam came over to watch Corpse Bride, even though we only ended up watching about an hour of the movie. We watched a half hour or so, and then decided to make brownies, so we ended up standing around the kitchen talking for a long time. Almost an hour, I'd say. Talking about dreams and licking batter off spoons....ah, good memories. We even have pictures, so I'll post one once Darcy develops the film. Then when we found out that everyone had to leave by 10:30, we watched twenty more minutes of the movie, ate brownies and then everyone left. Not exactly what we came to do, but a heck of a lot of fun nonetheless. I would love to do it again. And what was said and done in the kitchen, stays in the kitchen.

Dance rehearsal tonight, whoo hoo! I'm so not excited. Well, dance rehearsals are better than regular rehearsals, cause I'm actually doing stuff the whole time, instead of sitting around doing nothing. We actually work on stuff. I just get frustrated that we can't go faster, but I can live with that. I'm just going to have to take a nap before, because the only thing that got me through rehearsal on Wednesday was my nap in the library. That was nice. But I can't do that again for fear of getting in trouble. Oh well. Sleep is good.

I hope that everyone is doing hunky-dorey, I miss Liz but I'm going to see her very soon, yay! I hope that she is doing wonderfully, I hope that Jeff has fun in Ashland for the short time he'll be there (seeing his friend too), I hope that Mollie has a better day, I hope that everyone has a splendiforous and amazingly glorious day, and that life is going good for them. I may not show it all the time (in the correct manner), but I love you all and wish you all the very best in life. Shalom!

I'm not a Haynes....I'm a Fruit of the Loom

2006-01-31T10:44:00.000-07:00

Isn't this a cool pciture? I love zebras. And camels. They hold a certain fascination for me, camels. I had a dream that I got a camel for Christmas once. Her name was Rosie. She was a good camel. I lost her Food 4 Less, though. It was very sad. But zebras are just as cool.

I started working out with Jill and Jessi today. I didn't want to overexert myself, so that I wouldn't die the first day, but I felt kind of stupid because I'm so out of shape. It's ridiculous. Oh well. I'll get better with time. And maybe we actually will find some guys for a pre-work-out-make-out session. Ha ha Jill. Everything's funny at six o'clock in the morning. And it kind of sucked cause my cd player ran out of batteries right when I started so I kind of just had to space out. That's ok though, it was nice. With school and rehearsal and home life and everything, you don't have a lot of time just to think. It was a nice change. I just like background music cause I tend to work out to the rhythm of it.

Oh my heck. Yesterday when I almost died in choir was one of the scariest experiences of my life. I was trying to get past Ben, and I was walking behind him, but he didn't know that so he stepped back and crushed me. But see, I was in the crook of the piano and so I couldn't escape or go anywhere, and it was just like, Ben butt all of a sudden and it was really scary. And of course everyone in choir was watching and they all started laughing at the look on my face, because apparently I looked terrified. Well, you know what? It was terrifying. Having someone that big compared to you crushing you in a little space. Not fun. Not an experience I would like to repeat any time soon. Be glad it's never happened to you. Unless it has. Then I pity you.

You know, sometimes it's nice to do something different for a change. I think that's why I'm working out in the morning. It's not something I particularily want to do, but it's a change from my normal schedule, something I don't usually do, and therefore a welcome difference in my boring life. I mean, life is long, and you have a lot of time to try many different things. And that's the beauty of it. If you try something and you don't like it, then you can stop and try something else. Life isn't limited to mastering skills you don't want to master. Unless that's your passion, to master skills. Whatever. But you have your entire life to try different things and find where your passion lies. Except I hate it when people have the philosophy that life is too short, so you have to try everything. You should limit yourself to the things that are within reason. You can't go around trying stupid things, like sex or drugs or sky diving. You have to know the limits of exploration. If you try something stupid, you'll either get into lots of trouble, become addicted, or ruin your life and feel crappy all the time. Or all three. Which I can't even imagine, so why would you even want to try that sort of thing? I had this all worked out in my head last night, sorry I'm not so eloquent today.

Well, there's a class coming in here right now, so I'd better get off the computer. I love you all! Shalom

"He let the contents of the bottle do the thinking, can't shake the devil's hand and say you're only kidding." ~They Might Be Giants

2006-01-23T10:43:00.000-07:00

Life is treating me pretty good right now. My new schedule is fine so far, rehearsal isn't as awful as I pretend it is, I'm not really sick anymore, and our Tim Burton fest was about the sweetest thing ever! I'm glad we ended with Edward Scissorhands. It's such an emotional deal for both of us, and we were able to talk a lot afterwards. (Oh, if you didn't know, "us" would be me and Jeff. Jeff and I. Whatever.) Sure, I got in trouble for it, but it was worth it. I would do it again any day. I would just call my parents first.

I finally gave Steven his Christmas present, and he was so happy! It was so cute. He was like, five years old, all excited and everything. And with his new glasses, he's going to be the toast of the town now. Ladies everywhere. What fun. For me, I get to make fun of him.

This is just going to be a post (because I haven't posted in about a bazillion years, yes, that long) and so it's just going to be lots of random thoughts all in one paragraph. So hold your noses and blow your horses, here we go!

Abish started to eat my brownie last night while it was sitting on the floor. And yes, I'm still going to eat it. I've eaten things that babies have slobbered all over and the like, so I'm not really grossed out. I forgot my Safeway club card sign up thing again, but Jacobson will just have to deal with that. I need to learn the dance that I missed for rehearsal on Friday cause I was sick and threw up and fainted, which was a very bizarre experience. I was fine the rest of the weekend, and I feel a little faint today, but I think we're going to be good. Yes, we. I'm going to go home for lunch today because we have yummy lasagna that we can eat. And my calculator's there. And I start Calculus today. I also start AP Lit, which I have with dear Maegan, whom (ugh, whom?), who I miss a lot, we don't really hang out anymore, and we haven't had a real class together (no, choir doesn't count) since first semester last year. Starting at this school together, ending at this school together. Kind of cool, actually. I think it's going to be a pretty cool class, we have some neat people in it. My tummy kind of hurts too. Maybe not such a good sign. I don't want to stay at school, I'm already falling asleep but luckily I don't have rehearsal tonight, yay! I get to take a nap or watch a movie or something exciting like that. I need more sleep. I shouldn't have gone to bed so late last night, even though it was 10:45 or so. Not too late. But now I actually have to shower before I go to seminary because I have a first period now, whoo hoo! I shouldn't seem so happy, cause that wasn't sarcasm. I know how hard it is to tell on a computer screen. I had a dream about Jason Lewis and Casey Halling last night, it was a little weird. I think it was my birthday and they were being really nice to me, being all gentlemanly and stuff, complimenting me. It was nice. Liz was there too, now that I think about it. I might get to go to Medford! Ah! The parents said it was ok cause Jeff is going to Ashland to check out SOU and he said that I could hitch a ride and I just have to find a place to stay which I don't think will be a problem cause I know people but I want to help pay for gas and it really excites me cause I think it's coming up soon and I should probably take a breath now cause I haven't been because I'm so excited which doesn't really make sense because I'm typing. And you can't breathe while you're typing. Well, you can. But long sentences aren't a problem when you're typing because typing has nothing to do with breathing. Pickles?

I think I'm done. I can't really think of anything else to say, except that I love Tim Burton and I can't wait for Corpse Bride to come out and I want the Edward Scissorhands soundtrack. Yeah. The Earth is round. The Sun is large. I wonder where pencils come from?

Where did you get that plunger?

2006-01-02T21:13:00.000-07:00

I really don't have anything to say, except that I invite you all to go see the AMAZING picture of Steven getting electrocuted on Liz's blog. It's quite incredible. I love that game. Man. What can I say, I like hurting myself.

I would also invite you to read the insightful and inspiring little story that my mom wrote in HER blog. I have the greatest mom. Anyway, back to school. Whoo hoo. See you all there. Well, some of you. peace out, yo.

"She wandered the earth, alone and rejected." ~Anchor Baby, Tim Burton

2005-12-31T12:30:00.000-07:00

I found my theme song. I kept finding ones that I thought were good enough, but I have found the perfect song.

"Why Must I Be Sad?"
~They Might Be Giants~

No More Mister Nice Guy
I Love the Dead
I've been thinking about it
Now I understand what he said

Ask me now
I understand the words that Alice said
I kick the rocks beneath me
I squint at the sun
Sad, sad, sad, sad
Why must I be sad?
The rows of dandelions growing all around me
Why must I be sad? (sad, sad, sad)
(sad, sad, sad)

No one knows these things but me and him
So I'm writing everything down in a spiral notebook
In the hopes that one day
Other people will feel as low as this

Ask me now
I understand the words that Alice said
I kick the rocks beneath me
I squint at the sun
Sad, sad, sad, sad
Why must I be sad?
The rows of dandelions growing all around me
Why must I be sad? (sad, sad, sad)

No More Mister Nice Guy
I Love the Dead
I've been thinking about it
Now I understand what he said

Ask me now
I understand the words that Alice said
I kick the rocks beneath me
I squint at the sun
Sad, sad, sad, sad
Why must I be sad?
The rows of dandelions growing all around me
Why must I be sad? (Welcome to My Nightmare / Dead)
Why must I be sad? (Babies / Raped and Freezin' / You)
Why must I be sad? (Drive Me Nervous / Elected /)
Why must I be sad? (Generation Landslide / Un)
Why must I be sad? (der My Wheels / Muscle of Love /)
Why must I be sad? (School's Out / Only Women Bleed /)
Why must I be sad? (Billion Dollar Babies)
Why must I be sad? (sad, sad, sad)
(sad, sad, sad)
(sad, sad, sad)
(sad, sad)

I'm just tired of not being understood. I want to go back to a place where people know who I am and understand how life is for me. I'm tired of always trying to please everyone and then going home and crying till I fall asleep because I'm lonely. I wish people would talk to me instead of just accusing me of being a bad friend before I know what's going on. I wish that the most fun I have isn't walking alone at night, listening to the wind and feeling the rain on my face. I just wish I weren't so empty. Is that too much to ask?

Every day I walk His way. I seek His light. Do you see it in my eyes?

2005-11-13T19:49:00.000-07:00

I wanted to start off with this excerpt from A Series of Unfortunate Events #12:The Penultimate Peril.
"We can ask for a second helping of pound cake, even though someone has made it quite clear that we will not get any. We can ask for a new watercolor set, even though it will be pointed out that we never used the old one, and that all of the paints dried into a crumbly mess. We can ask for Japanese fighting fish, to keep us company in our bedroom, and we can ask for a special camera that will allow us to take photographs even in the dark, for obvious reasons, and we can ask for an extra sugar cube in our coffees in the morning and an extra pillow in our beds at night. We can ask for justice, and we can ask for a hankerchief, and we can ask for cupcakes, and we can ask for all the soldiers in the world to lay down their weapons and join us in a rousing chorus of 'Cry Me a River,' if that happens to be our favorite song. But we can also ask for something we are much more likely to get, and that is to find a person or two, somewhere in our travels, who will tell us that we are noble enough, whether it is true or not. We can ask for someone who will say, 'You are noble enough,' and remind us of our good qualities when we have forgotten them, or cast them into doubt."

As I was reading this the other day, I couldn't help but think about the tender mercies of the Lord, and how much He has done to show me that I am a daughter of God and that I matter to Him. This may come in the form of other people, people who compliment you or just enjoy your company when your self-confidence is low. I know that the Lord has blessed me with many many tender mercies, and everyday I see indications that we are a chosen generation, and that He esteems us in His eyes. I am so grateful that the Lord blesses me in tiny ways, to show me that I am loved by Him, and that He wants me to come live with Him again.

In sacrament meeting today (1st ward sacrament), just after I took the sacrament, I looked down at the program and it had a picture of Christ with the little children around Him, and He has this beautiful smile on His face. And as I was sitting there, I could almost picture Him, in that chapel, waiting for me. And I imagined myself running into His arms, and feeling His arms wrap around me, and whispering in my ears, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant." And I realized just how excited I was to see the Lord and to behold His face, and to feel His love while I look upon Him. Whether in this life or in the life to come, I can't wait to touch His hands and feet, and to have Him hug me with a love I've never known. I know I'll still make mistakes in my life, but I can't imagine Christ being disappointed in me, and so I'm doing all I can to serve Him and His children here on Earth. I want Him to be proud of me.

We watched a movie today in Sunday School about missionary work across the world (hence the picture) and I can't tell you how excited I am to go on a mission. I am willing to sacrifice all I need to be able to serve the Lord's children in a different land, or in this land if He so chooses to send me. But in the video, especially when they talked about the people from the Pacific Islands and the people from Eastern Europe, I felt an immense sense of gratitude for the missionaries who were brave enough to go to those countries to spread the gospel. I don't know why I love the Polynesian people so much, I've only been to Hawaii once and I know a family from Samoa, but I feel such an attachment to them. And also the people of Germany, because I've been there. I know what wonderful people are there, and I've seen where the Berlin wall once stood, and so I know how incredible it must have felt to be free from physical and spiritual bondage. I would love to serve a foreign mission, but I will go wherever the Lord sends me. And I will go, no matter what.

In this book I finished recently, The Silver Chalice, (which takes place in Rome soon after Christ's ministry), one of the characters is telling the main character (Basil) about the spirit Basil has felt while searching for the apostles. He tells Basil that he may believe in Jesus Christ, but he will someday reach the point where he simply wants to preach the gospel to everyone around him, and to tell the world of the joy he has felt through the gospel of Jesus Christ. What a true statement. There are times when I'm going about my life that I get so excited about the gospel that I simply can't hold it in, and I want to shout to the world how happy I am, and how they too can be happy by coming to the Lord. What an opportunity to be able to serve the Lord as a full-time missionary, to bring the truth to the children of God. What an amazing calling. I can't wait till that time comes.

To the many of you who will read this, you have been an immense blessing in my life, those that I have met here and those that I have left behind. Your influence in my life has helped me chose the better part, and for that I am eternally grateful. I love you all deeply. May joy fill your lives, even in times of trial. Shalom

Is this part of your master plan to destroy all joy from the universe?

2005-10-31T16:57:00.000-07:00

Today is a dismal day in the life of Rebekah Jon Whittaker. I love Halloween, but I went to school as a Newsie, and all day I've been fighting to keep my hat, for what's a Newsie without his (or her) hat? But I can't contend with this many people, and I have surrendered. For the time being. I still want it back, but it's not in my power to get it right now. So my entire day has pretty much gone down the drain because I don't have my hat.

I don't even know if I want to go to this party tonight. Oh, I know I will, and I know I'll probably have fun, but I just don't want to be around people anymore. School is enough socializing for me, and then I'm ready to just go home and read a good book or watch a good movie or take a nap. Anything where I don't have to talk to people. I have fun for a while and then it just gets tedious, trying to make everyone happy and trying to keep up a cheerful act, when all I want to do is hide in my room and doodle and listen to music. Music has that amazing quality to calm me down. Or hype me up, depending on the music.

My head hurts, from people grabbing the hat off my head, but accidentally grabbing hair with it.

What I really want right now is a big bag of candy corn, a big cup of ice water, and to watch Newsies. Well, I can do the last one, I guess.

"Sometimes I just think-man, I could sure use a tuque right now!" ~Jen Lee

2005-10-28T23:53:00.000-06:00

Today's subject: Tuques!

Here's a lovely little entry from Wikipedia on tuques that I recently found. It's quite amusing, actually. My favorite phrases are in bold.

"Tuque: From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.

A tuque (Canadian French: tuque) is a knitted hat, originally usually of wool though now often of synthetic fibers, that is designed to provide warmth in winter. Sometimes considered Canada's national hat, all tuques are tapered and brimless, and they are often topped with pompons.
The word tuque is not etymologically related to the name of the chef's toque, although tuque is sometimes spelled "toque" (though still pronounced /tuk/) by assimilation. The word is also sometimes spelled "touque"; while this is technically a misspelling, it's a quite common one.
During the 1837 Patriotes Rebellion a red tuque became a symbol of French-Canadian nationalism, a symbol that was briefly revived by the Front de liberation du Quebec in the 1970s.
Today some consider tuques to be somewhat lacking in sophistication, though they are indispensable in cold climates. The most famous media characters to sport this kind of hat are the SCTV characters, Bob and Doug McKenzie. Michael Nesmith of the Monkees also wore this hat in his television series.
In the United States, this type of hat is usually referred to as a knit hat, knit cap, sock cap or stocking cap, and sometimes as a ski hat. In the U.S. southern states, it is sometimes called a toboggan.
There is also a town known as La Tuque, Quebec, named after a nearby hill that resembles a tuque.
A beanie is a similar type of hat."

Tuques are fun. I wore one to the football game, cause holy flippin Ice Age, it was cold. I had on a hoodie, and a jacket, and gloves, and my knee-high socks, and I was still cold. My toes were freezing. I left early to go buy milk and the heater was very welcome. But now it's really cold down here and I'm still all bundled up.

I really think that this tiredness thing is more than it seems. Take last night for example. I went to bed at nine, and got up at nine thirty, and I'm still exhausted. I'm taking vitamins, and they have iron, so who knows. I hope it's not anything serious. I doubt it, but I'm sick and tired of being...tired.

We bought this movie that I'm still contemplating if I want to watch it or not. It's about dance, so I think I'd like it, but from what I can see, it's pretty much like Center Stage, which I hated, cause it was all about this girl who danced who was trying to decide between the hot guy and the nice guy. Which is what this movie is supposed to be about. Big whoop. I'd like to see about a girl, or guy, who just has to work really hard to dance with no stupid romances cluttering the story.

Have you ever felt like there was something missing in your life? Like there could be something more? Not necessarily something spiritual, but something else to occupy your time. I don't know. But lately I haven't felt like socializing with anybody, even more than usual. The last two football games I've just sat by myself, but I wanted it that way. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to watch the game. I wouldn't really have minded if someone just came and sat with me, but most people seem to think that when you're with someone you have to talk, which isn't the cause. You can just be together without having to talk. It's rather nice actually.

I really can't think of anything else to say, so I'll leave you. Love to all, and an especially big hi to me mum and Liz, who happen to be in the same place. Shalom

"Dance is the hidden language of the soul." Martha Graham

2005-10-21T19:31:00.000-06:00

It's hard to be passionate about something you know you probably can't do your whole life. I've missed dance so much, and it's not the same when you're just dancing to yourself. You're not presenting to anyone, and they're not feeling what you're feeling. I can't wait to go off to college so that I can be in dance again and actually perform in front of an audience. I was telling someone the other day (I think it was Darcy's mom) that the reason I love stage acting (and the same goes for dance) is the interaction with the audience. When they feel your pain or joy or laughter and the feel that energy coming from you, which makes them radiate a sort of energy, and you perform better because of that energy. There's nothing worse than a dead audience, honestly. You can mess up, you can forget your lines, or move in the wrong way, but if the audience is still out there supporting you, you know it's going to be all right. I wish life were more like that. Everyone supporting each other, and everyone building each other up with a kind of electric energy. It would be amazing.

I am so tired. I don't even know why. All week I've been going to bed early and taking nap after nap and still the fatigue pulses against the back of my eyes. I think I'm going to go to the football game, though I've been debating with myself for some time about it, and just sit and watch, and then if I get too tired I can go home. I'm not even considering the dance. I never have, and I doubt ever will.

I miss Liz so much. I can't wait to see her at Thanksgiving AND at Christmas. It's going to be wonderful. Then we can stay up till the wee hours of the morning talking like we used to, and getting to know one another better. Though that would be difficult, because we know each other so well anyway that I doubt that there's much we need to learn. Speaking of which, I think I'll call her soon, just to hear her voice.

The sky has a very ominous look to it, like something is coming on a fell wind to tear at the souls of men. The house is quiet, and the only sound is the clicking of the keyboard. Except that Brooklyn just called and they were sitting in the driveway. Weird. The only other time that's happened was when I called Steven and he was right down the block and we ended up talking on either side of the wall of the house. Crazy. The chaotic life of a twelve-year-old is too hard and you never know what's coming next. But the same goes for "teenagehood." I liked Elly's analogy best, that it's like going the wrong way on an escalator. Like when you've worked really hard for something and nothing comes of it. I don't like that.

I have to write one more paragraph to make it an odd number, and then I'll start getting ready to go. I suppose I should put the dog out too. I feel sorry for her, being out in the cold all by herself. Though that's how I feel sometimes, figuratively, of course. When you're all alone in the cold, and there's no one to come give you a hug to warm you up or to hand you a cup of hot chocolate. It's a lonely feeling. I wrote a very nice little journal entry, if you will, but really it was part of a story. I hope I can continue. Well, I suppose I'll go, but love to all, and maybe I'll see a few of you at the football game. Shalom

Why are you looking at me like that? Haven't you ever seen a monkey before?

2005-10-07T23:09:00.000-06:00

Ha, do you remember that Liz? That was when we were on the tour bus in Germany and we were both sleeping and we both woke up at the same time to the tour guide saying, "Why are you looking at me like that? Haven't you ever seen a monkey before?" You can imagine the confusion.

Guess what happened today? I got a letter, from Peter! Huzzah! It was very happy. And it was doubly wicked, because yesterday, I got a letter from Liz which contained seven CD's! Oh the jubilation! Not only was it mail for me, that wasn't college-ness, but it had wonderful CD's that I am now addicted to! What fun! It was amazing. In fact, I'll go as far as to say that it was naked. I love mail. Please send more.

I don't really have much to say.....it seems like I already said it all before, which I probably did in my letter back to Peter, so I guess he'll know it all and you won't. Ha ha! Actually, it was mostly about friendship and jedi boots and homecoming, so I doubt that you would all be interested anyway.

So what else? I seem to have been writing quite philosophical messages of late, so this will be a...relief? A change? A breath of fresh air? Who knows? I'm cold but I want ice cream. My hands are warm but my head hurts. You obviously don't care about any of this, cause I can just picture Steven skimming over this trying to see if there's anything of worth. Well, you know what, my fine fair-haired friend? There's NOT! So ha! Write in your own blog once in a while and maybe I'll write something interesting in here.

I miss me mum. She's a wonderful person, and we have such fun. I wonder when she's coming next...

There's a stake dance tomorrow night, and I haven't been able to find anyone who can tell me what the theme is or whether it's casual or dressy. We have to practice our song for Sunday and we have to plan the November dance. I have to make a poster for Psych, mend pants, clean the house and try and get some sleep!

Oh! One last thing before I go and leave you to continue drooling all over your keyboards. Mr George Winston is coming here, to La Grande of all places, for a concert on Sunday! And guess who's going? Not me. Actually, that's a lie, I am going, with me papi, and it's going to be great fun and lovely and amazing. So yeah. Be jealous.

I will leave you now, I love you all, and hope to talk to you (*cough cough* Liz! *cough cough*) soon! Shalom!

I'll tell myself that I never needed anybody anyway

2005-09-28T18:13:00.000-06:00

The power of dance-Dance can fill you with such joy and comfort. When you become one with the music and it moves you, and you are no longer a part of the world. You become a spirit, a whisper of nature. The cares of the world are lifted off your body and you float, lifted by the passion that controls your movements. Your body has become a testament of your joys, your sorrows, your fears. All of your feeling has become movement. Dance can express what words cannot.
"We dance for laughter, we dance for tears
We dance for madness, we dance for fears
We dance for hopes, we dance for screams
We are the dancers, we create the dreams."
~Anonymous

The power of peace-I went to a peace rally this last weekend. It was quite interesting. There were many things said that I agreed with, and I was glad to be there as an advocate for peace. There was a wonderful band there called Trendy Indies, and they had some good, clean, peaceful songs that I quite enjoyed. But while I (and the other members of SFT present) was there to promote a peaceful attitude, there were many high school students there who were campaigning against the war. I agree, I don't wish the war to continue, I want to bring peace to our nation by bringing our soldiers home, but what they were doing was completely counter-productive to our message. They held obscene and offensive signs and were promoting anti-Bush attitudes. All that is accomplishing is making the community non-sympathetic to our cause. You cannot fight war with war. We are demonstrating for a peaceful attitude, which includes peaceful actions and the goal to unite as peacemakers to change the world. It is pointless to offend others.
"We cannot change the past, but we can change our attitude toward it. Uproot guilt and plant forgiveness. Tear out arrogance and seed humility. Exchange love for hate-thereby, making the present comfortable and the future promising."
~Maya Angelou

The power of friendship-Steven and I don't really get to see each other very much anymore, because we have such conflicting schedules. The times when we see each other and talk to each other most are those wonderful Sunday evenings when I go help him with the racks. I look forward to that time, when we actually get to talk and learn more about each other. This Sunday, for example, was probably one of the more enjoyable evenings we've had together. After completing the racks, we drove up a lonely dirt road and sat on the hood of the car and gazed at the stars while talking. We talked of many things, of our hopes and dreams, of fears and comforts. It was nice, just talking together after hardly seeing each other, being so busy with other things. What tremendous gifts little evenings like that are.
"What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies."
~Aristotle

The power of song-We went singing again this Sunday afternoon, 2 1/2 hours this time. It was so amazing. I griped a bit, it's true, but I was grateful for the opportunity afterward. We sang to many different people, some in need, and some just to brighten their day. It's so nice to know that you're helping someone feel better, just by doing something that you enjoy. I know I appreciate the beauty of music, and the calming peace it gives you. The simple pleasure of listening to a beautiful voice, a melodic piano, or a soothing guitar can change your mood and day within an instant. It's not a coincidence that the Lord gave us the gift of music on this earth, to share and to uplift others. Music can be harmful, of course, but the overall benefits of good music are astronomical.
"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~Berthold Auerbach

The power of life-We should live each day better than the last, constantly striving to do build our character and filling our minds and hearts with knowledge and experience. Life is a gift. Take it, enjoy it, use it. And show gratitude for the small and simple things that are given you.
"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
~Albert Einstein

Shalom

Hey howdy hey!

2005-09-22T15:43:00.000-06:00

Hello to all my wonderful friends, and an especially big hello to Raage! Please go to

www.littlewheemindmisfires.blogspot.com

for the next piece of the puzzle! Have a wonderful day! Love to all!

Hi to all those I love!

2005-09-22T14:27:00.000-06:00

Hey howdy hey and a great big hello to all my friends out there! I especially wanted to say hi to Raage! Hi Raage! What's up? Here's the next peice of the puzzle! Go to

www.littlewheemindmisfires.blogspot.com

Have a wonderful day and love to all!

Death kills 5 out of every 5 dead smokers.

2005-09-20T20:17:00.000-06:00

I offer no explanation. I leave you to speculate.

Life has been interesting, to say the very least, of late. As a warning, this is not a "oh, my life sucks and terrible things keep happening to me" kind of blog. I do not want your sympathy. This is merely a blurb of feelings and speculations. I also did not allow for new comments on this blog, because I don't want to know what you think. This is what I think, and I need to allow some integrity for my blog. Not that what you think isn't important, it's just...inappropriate for this entry.

Actually, I really want a glass of milk right now.

How typical. Society is so bent on filling its material needs that it can't even reflect on its individual's lives without fulfilling physical desires first. Why is that? Was Maslow correct when he established the idea of his hierarchy of needs? Do our bodily needs outweigh our spiritual ones so much that we can't fill our spiritual needs until everything else is taken care of? Of course not. We've gotten so used to instant gratification that the time we have spared is not used for meditation, but for fulfilling more needs. I just want to step back and let the flow carry on without me, so that I can observe it from the sidelines and figure out what I'm supposed to do before diving back in to be swept along with the tide of life. I wish I had time for that sort of pondering, time to just sit back and learn through observation, and not in a school setting. I want to change things. I want to change people's lives, influence them for good, help someone back on their way, make people think!

I've noticed a lot about myself lately. I used to think that I really depended on someone to help me through the hard times and to give me advice and to just be there for me, to hold me when I needed it. But people move, people change, and sometimes you can't even count on your best friend. I always knew I was solitary, but it was mostly at home, to avoid arguments or conversation. But lately, I've noticed that I'm not so sure about people's company. I like to be with people. No. I like to laugh. And people sometimes do that. But more and more I've curled deeper into my books and away from the blaring, blinding bedlam of life. I don't enjoy company like I used to. I don't want to talk to people. I want to watch. And listen. And learn. I don't want to interact. I want to be done with public education and travel. Travel to different states and learn about different dialects. Travel to different countries and learn and imitate their culture, their language, their politics, their games. I'm not content with what I have. I want more, and then I want a way to share that information to wrest ignorance and prejudice from the close-minded. I want to share the peace I have found from the scriptures and the gospel. I want freedom to do what I want when I want. I want to learn tennis. I want to dance. I want a lot of things. And that opportunity just isn't here. Where to go? It seems that all fantasy stories involve a journey of some kind, a quest to rescue a maiden, or an adventure to find your true identity. That's what I want. I want to pack a backpack and start walking up the hills, and keep walking and walking to see what I'll find. Mountains seem to call to me. It seems that whenever I'm around mountains, I feel a pull, beckoning me to climb, climb and climb to see what's on the other side. Maybe there is no other side. Maybe I'll just keep traveling over hills and vales until I find a nice quiet spot to finally lay down my pack and settle down. Maybe if I'm really lucky, I'll find a young man on the way, to accompany me and share stories and ideas. But not get in the way. Be a constant companion who knows when to be quiet. Like an imaginary friend, but one you can actually hold. Words can enhance and they can hinder, and I feel that this is one of those hindering times. I can't really say what I want to. I can't express it in words, or pictures, or even colors. Touch maybe. That sense is used so rarely, and it has become a controversial action. It is also not entirely truthful. It can be, if the intentions behind it are well. People distrust each other so much now, that nothing can be taken seriously anymore. The brushing of hands, a casual hug. Innocence is not naivete. It is purity of intent, excellence of character, honesty of heart. It is so easy to lie. But to have truth emanate from every fiber of your being, till people know that you are true and honest in your dealings, and that everything from you can be trusted. It's hard. Which is why it is so unpopular. Chivalry has lost its place in this world. But there's always something better. There's always that beautiful sunset, that moonlight on you face, that whisper of wind through your hair. Beauty is not lost, just the appreciation.

Remember, this is not fact, nor even opinion. Speculation, nothing more. My intent was not to offend, but to broaden. You may disagree, but you now have the glimmer of another idea, another mind. Shalom. Peace be unto you, my friend.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

2005-09-05T15:47:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry to Peter for stealing his picture, but this is so amazing. I love it so much! These are my good friends Evan, Gary, and Brad. I can only imagine what was going on at this moment.

Hey howdy hey and a hullabaloo to all my wonderful friends out there! I know I haven't written in a very long time, but to be frank, I am not sorry at all. I guess I just haven't really wanted to write down what I was thinking or doing for a while. Secret Jedi activity that cannot be mentioned. But yeah, school's ok. I don't really like it that much, but it's not too difficult so I'm living through it. I have early morning seminary, no first period (which is nice), Psychology (which is really fun, I have it with Raage and Mike and Jason and it's fun), Choir (which is sooo frickin good this year! We're going to kick butt. And we have 26 guys!), Health 2 (which is a stupid and boring class, but I have it with Mollie and Elly and Coop), and then AP Comp (which is hard but I'm learning a lot and we have a good intelligent group). But that makes three classes with Raage, and then I have three next semester as well! It's great. And I only have choir with Steven, but he's a loser, so why would I want classes with him anyway! ; ) But yeah, it's tolerable, I suppose. But I'm not auditioning for the play, which is the Foreigner, cause there really aren't any parts I'm interested in. Or approve of. But I have to get a job anyway, so maybe this is my opportunity to do so and not die of exhaustion or stress.

I know I mentioned this before, but I love the night! There's such an energy that flows and gives you life. "Night juices" is what Steve calls it, but I prefer something a little more sacred. In fact, I can't even really think of a word or even a phrase that adequately describes it. I wish I lived a life where I could be nocturnal and sleep all day and then be up and doing things at night. Too bad most of society does it the other way, so I would really be able to work with anyone. Maybe if I become a writer I'll be able to do it that way. I get most of my inspiration and energy from the night anyway. I don't know. Maybe I'll try it some day.

You know, I'm not one to openly express my political views and all, but I do wish that we didn't have to fight over everything. We had to fight to free people, yes, but what about all the civilians that were killed in the process? Those people aren't free. In fact, quite the opposite. It would be a lot more convenient if the two opposing leaders merely dueled, or had a fist fight, and (according to the codes of war) whoever lost would have to give up their power. Then they wouldn't be dragging other people's husbands or wives or children into the whole she-bang. It would merely be a contest between the people who actually want the power, and leave all the rest of us out of it. So in the epic words of Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes: "Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us." We certainly are a messed-up people.

Well, enough thinking for today. It's a holiday, not made for coherent sentences. But I'd better go anyway, since Melissa and I are going to try to pop down to the Baxter's and wish a wonderful birthday to a certain Mr. Mike Baxter, who is turning fifteen today. How weird. I just can't imagine that Mike and Dan are the same age. How weird. I guess because Dan's a year ahead in high school, and he's larger in stature, but it's just weird. So happy birthday Mike, even though you'll probably never read this. Hope to see you all at the dance! Love to all! Shalom

"A little nonsense now and then is cherished by the wisest man." ~Willy Wonka

2005-08-14T19:13:00.000-06:00

I love this picture. It's at Hoover Dam, and just the implication it presents is funny. I enjoy it.

I can't write very much, cause we have to pack, but today was a very nice day. All of the speakers in sacrament were very intelligent and I learned a lot. I really felt the spirit today. Sunday School was about getting married in the temple, which is one of my favorite topics. ; ) Well, I love the temple, and I can't imagine getting married anywhere else, so it was a very nice lesson. And in Young Women's we learned about agency from Amy, who I love dearly. She's really funny. But I felt the Spirit a lot and it was just very comfortable. And I got to walk home from church cause Isha and Melissa had BYC, and the weather was very nice. Warm, but with a pleasant breeze to keep things cool. It was just very enjoyable.

I really have to go pack/clean, but I just wanted to say farewell and godspeed to Steven. He's been such a great friend, and I don't know if I can claim likewise, but he's been so patient and kind and a wonderful example to me. I am so grateful that I was able to meet him and become such good friends with him. We've had so many great experiences together, spiritual or just fun, and it's really something I've been needing lately. When I don't have anyone to turn to, I get rather depressed, and I'm just so thankful that he's been there for me, to chastise me or advise me. So thanks, Steven, you're a really neat kid, and I'm so glad that we're friends. So have fun without me, and see you when I get back!

So since I'll be gone for two weeks, ciao to all my wonderful and spiffy friends here, I love you all, and I'll miss you! Have the time of your life before school starts, and I guess I'll see you when school starts! Love to everyone and everything! Shalom

Steven "Breakage Boy" Baxter

2005-08-12T15:31:00.000-06:00

K, are sloths not the weirdest animals on the face of the planet? Their fur looks like coconut fur, and they have weird claws and weird faces and they move slow and they're just all-around weird. I guess it would be fun to have a sloth for a pet though. If it was small you could cuddle with it, and it's really flexible so you could hold it in unnatural positions and you wouldn't really have to worry about losing it, cause it couldn't exactly run away. It would be fun.

But for the reasoning behind the title of this blog, if you didn't know, Steven broke something again, only this time it was his toe. I told Liz about this and she said he needed a new name like "the boy of glass" or "the boy of breakage" and I liked my version of the second one. So now his list of nicknames is up to three I believe. "Breakage Boy," "The Human Couch Cushion," and my personal favorite, "Magnet for Mockery." I wish I had that many cool nicknames. That would be a cool super hero name, Breakage Boy. That's almost as good as Work-Experience Boy.

Speaking of which, that boy is more elusive than the Scarlet Pimpernel. I haven't talked to him in forever, and I'm really starting to miss the kid. Dang soccer.

I wrote Liz a novel disguised as an e-mail today, and she sent me one back! Plus she called about a letter that we got sent, so I got to talk to her and read a really long e-mail from her! It was very nice. Plus I get to see her in ONLY THREE DAYS! How stoked am I. I cannot wait to see her and talk to her and laugh with her and do all the things we used to do when we were together. I love being her sister. She has been such a blessing to me, especially in our younger years when it was just us and our mom. Those were good days. I remember everything we used to do at the old apartment, swimming in the pool, racing each other up the steps, ridings bikes and going to the park with Rayana. Those were good times. And I'm so grateful for all the memories we made and can now share. We had a lot of fun together, and I'm glad that we can still have a lot of fun together, even if it's a different kind of fun. And I don't remember us ever having a really serious argument. We probably argued about who got to be which Barbie or something like that, but we never had a really big fight. And I guess I never really realized how blessed I am for that, even when hearing about how a lot of my friends always fight with their siblings. I guess I took for granted a little how close Liz and I were, and still are. It's harder now that she's gone, but I love her to pieces, and I couldn't have asked for a better sister on this earth. She's a really awesome girl, and I'm thankful for everything that she's done for me, and everything that we're able to do together. Yay for families!

I haven't done anything of worth today. I read HP, took a shower, ate, ate some more, watched William and Kyle play Super Smash Bro., watched David play Civilization, and now I'm on the compy. How boring. Someone come save me! And I guess it wouldn't be too bad if anyone decided to stop by. Cause then you could meet my cousins! They're pretty awesome kids. And it's going to kind of be a lazy day, since we're going to be so busy tomorrow. Oh well.

Well, I guess I really don't have anything else to say, so I hope that everyone is happy, and is having a wonderful day! Love to all! Shalom